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HAPPINESS PATROL, episode 3
3.11 "InCWEJulous!The Essential Facts about the 7th Doctor's Last Companion (and then some)", by Stephen Groenewegen
C is for...
Chris Cwej appeared in 22 New Adventures (NAs) with the Seventh Doctor, and also one Missing Adventure. He returns as a recurring character in the Benny New Adventures series in October 1997 with Gary Russell's Deadfall.
Virgin's Writers Guidelines for 1995 introduced him as "an eager, trusting, brave but inexperienced police officer. Forrester [his partner] is his senior, a seasoned, cynical pro." (quoted in Broadsword fanzine # 4: 1). Andy Lane created Chris and Roz Forrester for "Original Sin" (released June 1995), and they were chosen as companions by Virgin editor Rebecca Levene over Lane's intended replacement for Ace (Companions: 119). When writing for Chris and Roz, Lane was inspired by Han Solo and Chewbacca from the Star Wars films, and characters from NYPD Blue (Companions: 119; New Companion Discussion Document, 1995).
Chris and Roz joined the TARDIS crew at the end of "Original Sin" because, in Chris's words, "we discovered a huge conspiracy among the Adjudicators. They'd have killed us if we hadn't gone" ("Room With No Doors": 22). He eventually ceases his travels at the end of "Lungbarrow" when President Romana gives him a time ring, so he can rejoin former TARDIS crew-mate Bernice Summerfield (LB: 302). Again in Chris's words: "I think we've [he and the Doctor] sort of needed each other. But now I'd like to strike out on my own. No ties." (LB: 302).
His full name is first cited as Christopher Rodonanté Cwej (OS: 34), or Chris Cwej for short (see also Continuity Blunders).
Date of Birth
5 September (RWND: 20) 2954 ("Head Games": 205; see also A History Of The Universe: 205).
"Maybe twenty" ("Sky Pirates!": 35) in his second story, he is subjectively "somewhere around" 26 in his second last, 20 novels later (RWND: 19). Still, he's had five birthday parties in the last two years (RWND: 20), suggesting he's really only about 23. That fits better with the description of being older than Nyssa ("Cold Fusion": 117) and Tegan (CF: 31) and the estimation of a Scientifica officer that he is not older than 21 (CF: 83). He graduated as an Adjudicator in 2975 (LB: 168) at the age of 21, and was a rookie in "Original Sin" when he was squired with Roz Forrester the following year (OS: 20), shortly before joining the TARDIS crew. Andy Lane leaves his age as "early 20s" in his 1995 New Companion Discussion Document.
30th Century Earth is organised into Overcities, Seacities and Undertowns (see OS, AHOTU: 204-5), rather than separate countries. When he comes across people from other times, Chris is generally assumed to be American ("Toy Soldiers": 32; "WarChild": 216; "Sleepy": 86, 211; "Christmas On a Rational Planet": 83) or, in Lance Parkin's books, Canadian ("Just War": 19; CF: 110).
A list of key words denoting Chris's character was provided by Andy Lane in his 1995 discussin document. Most of these were borne out in later novels. The key words are: naïve, willing, noble, inexperienced, gullible, fresh, strong, well-meaning, innocent, honourable, gentle and self-concious.
Chris is often thought of as naive (TS: 28; "Damaged Goods": 153 cf RWND: 251); partly because he hadn't really left Earth before he met the Doctor (OS: 108; see also Continuity Blunders). His optimism ("Also People": 22; RWND: 251)-even in the face of danger (SP: 75)-is always apparent, as is a curious streak (CORP: 5; CF: 79; "ShakeDown": 165) and love of novelty ("Happy Endings": 48). Deception is not something that Chris is good at (DG: 153) or comfortable with ("GodEngine": 53; "Death Of Art": 135)-he's easy to read ("Zamper": 123) and straight forward (RWND: 255). Occasionally, Chris seems gullible (TS: 162; CORP: 84; DG: 31).
In manner, as well as appearance (see Hung, below), Chris is "boyish" (Z: 94; "Bad Therapy": 38; AP: 12, 157; GE: 172; RWND: 65). This impression is reinforced by his energy and enthusiasm ("Death & Diplomacy": 17; "Eternity Weeps": 214; CF: 227)-he's always keen to learn (JW: 25) and quickly bored (CORP: 47). Chris is reckless (AP: 6) and will "try anything once" (LB: 189; see also Enjoys... Adventure). He's courageous (RWND: 255; GE: 220), heroic (see Career) and strives to be "smarter and braver and faster" (RWND: 153-4). Unlike Roz, Chris is distinctly lacking in caution and paranoia (DOA: 155).
Chris is rarely introspective (DOA: 270) or philosophical (LB: 74; RWND: 255), and this is to his benefit-his uncharacteristic introspection in "The Room With No Doors" leads to self-doubt (138). Along with his optimism (HE: 201), Chris is faithful and loyal (RWND: 251; HE: 201) and generally happy to follow the orders of someone he believes in (like the Doctor-RWND: 71; or Roz, to whom he was squired).
Slow to anger (EW: 105), Chris is calm in danger (RWND: 242)-a peacemaker (BT: 94) with a "familiar quiet expression" (EW: 167). He's well-adjusted (CORP: 263; CF: 80) and good at making friends (D&D: 278), and treats aliens no differently to humans, befriending the badly-treated Ogrons (SVAS: 75, 126). Chris can be tender (AP: 25; SVAS: 186) and sympathetic (EW: 100), but can also turn on the charm (AP: 173), be imploring (GE: 34) and display a strong desire to be liked (JW: 84).
In keeping with his love of adventure, Chris is not afraid of death (LB: 50), but had thought (RWND: 100) and worried about it for a time (eg RWND: 138) before being "de-angsted" (RWND: 255). After death, Chris does not believe in ghosts (LB: 51), but he prays to the Goddess (RWND: 102) and follows the Adjudicator concept of Justice being meted out to the dead (RWND: 27). Chris rejected organised religion after witnessing the arbitrary and vicious killings carried out in its name on Jallafillia (CORP: 254, 202).
Generations of Cwej men prior to Chris were Adjudicators (see Inheritances and Continuity Blunders) and, from an early age, Chris decided to be an Adjudicator. Although an occasional truant at school (OS: 97), he attended his lectures at the Adjudicator Academy (OS: 100). After graduating at the age of 21, his first assignment was traffic detail (OS: 12; RWND: 66) before being squired to Roz the following year (OS: 20, 29). He did some offworld training at the Academy (see CORP: 202 and Continuity blunders), "raided the odd brothel" (AP: 75) and performed security surveillance at the Overcity Adjudicator Intendant's annual dinner (LB: 57). Chris trained as a pilot (OS: 8), but only ever fought in simulated combat missions (JW: 165).
During his travels, Chris has frequently demonstrated skills he probably acquired at the Academy (see Enjoys... for his affinity with machines). He has forensics training (EW: 156) and medical skills (TS: 121, 167; D&D: 205; EW: 145; "Return Of the Living Dad": 201); an excellent memory (DOA: 64; EW: 235; JW: 23); good reflexes (JW: 107; S: 34; RWND: 18); artificially enhanced night vision (DOA: 161); proficiency in computer hardware (EW: 111) and locks (DOA: 51); is an excellent shot (SP: 183; AP: 73; DOA: 66) and extremely fit (JW: 107; DOA: 65; see Hung and Enjoys... for more on his physique and sporting prowess). Like the other Adjudicators in his family (DOA: 147; Inheritances), Chris is a trained observer and able to read body language (SD: 232; DG: 54-5). He's been known to make some clever deductions (Z: 50; S: 27, 187) but physics and scientific technobabble are not his strong point (SD: 115; GE: 95). Chris can also count amongst his attributes: heroism (GE: 68; RWND: 113, 247; BT: 64; S: 80), resourcefulness (CF: 212, 228) and dedication (studying in the TARDIS library-GE: 51; DOA: 185; JW: 23).
As a trained police officer, Chris predictably respects authority (TS: 139) and law and order (HG: 85). He believes in Justice (RWND: 27) and takes the motto of the Adjudicators seriously (JW: 145; SVAS: 127). When faced with 20th Century police, Chris isn't sure whether to threaten violence or offer a bribe (ROLD: 104)-perhaps techniques he picked up at a 1996 Australian seminar on law enforcement! (ROLD: 18). He shows a mixture of awe and fascination at fusion bombs (CF: 180) and is interested in guns (SVAS: 305; CORP: 220) and subversive warfare (GE: 187).
Despite being a gung-ho (DOA: 250) police officer, Chris has a strong sense of social justice (HG: 114, 231; DG: 79; D&D: 71). He took his civil rights exam seriously (RWND: 175) and shows guilt at unsavoury police practices (AP: 258). As well as disliking barbarism (DOA: 161) and unnecessary violence (RWND: 99, 189; see also Continuity blunders), Chris doesn't slavishly endorse everything he learnt at the Academy (CORP: 134), but prizes the valuable lessons, like learning local customs (RWND: 38). Although he initially resented his assignment to traffic duty, Chris considered it worthwhile once he realised he was saving lives (RWND: 66).
H is for Hung
Hung like a horse, that is.
"Chris Cwej stood there... a blond and golden-skinned and friendly faced man of maybe twenty, his teeth and fingernails strangely sharp, heavily muscled shoulders and chest devolving to a washboard stomach and a-Roslyn Forrester... suddenly didn't know where to look.
'Blimey', Benny said with an evil grin, looking him up and down as he tried ineffectually to cover his embarrassment. 'Bet you don't get many of them to the kilo...' A furiously blushing Chris Cwej tried to put his hands over his face and realized he'd completely run out of hands." (SP: 35)
She "found herself automatically smiling at one of the little man's friends. He was blond and cute and packed his Levis." (DG: 29)
Ben Aaronovitch once said he tried to describe Chris without resorting to "grin", "blond" or "handsome" (Sonic Screwdriver fanzine # 98: 10). Terrance Dicks manages two out of three in his stock Cwej description: a handsome, blond-haired, blue-eyed giant (SD: 18).
Here's a more thorough physical description:
Chris is large (DG: 52; CORP: 83) and tall (JW: 156)-over six foot (CORP: 83; CF: 31; RWND: 12 cf SD: 165)-about six foot, three inches (GE: 20; New Companion Discussion Document).
When he isn't bald (WC: 207), Chris has blond hair that is variously close-cropped (CORP: 83; DOA: 37, 62), thick (EW: 113) or long (RWND: 32; ROLD: 16; SVAS: 69). Unsurprisingly, he has blond eyebrows (CORP: 116) and golden chest hair (ROLD: 165 cf CF: 226-"hairless"). In "Just War" Chris grows a moustache (21); in "Room With No Doors", he has stubble (60, 106) and in "Zamper", he shaves (109).
His eyes are blue (GE: 20; CF: 109; HG: 216; SD: 18; "piercing" JW: 156). Another observer thought him wide-eyed (CORP: 83). Chris has always had to live down being "fresh-faced" (DOA: 157). He has fair skin (SD: 18), a narrow face (CORP: 83), a "well-defined" (DG: 66) square jaw (CF: 31) and a charming boyish smile (GE: 20). When we first meet Chris, he has undergone a form of fashion accessory genetic manipulation called "body bepple" and resembles a man-sized teddy bear. During the novel the majority of the bepple is burnt off, but he retains unnusually sharp teeth and fingernails from the experience (ege ROLD: 129; SP: 35). Chris has a wide, muscly chest ("hard ridges of abdominals"-AP: 22; BT: 115), bulky muscles (DOA: 16; CF: 79), broad shoulders (BT: 78; CF: 106), a muscular frame (RWND: 16) and is described variously as stocky (HG: 194), beefy (D&D: 15) and impressively built (GE: 20). He is strong and fit (EW: 104) and athletic (CORP: 83; JW: 157), with tanned arms (CF: 110) and bony (!) knees (WC: 261).
Andy Lane's discussion document on Chris suggests as reference "any clean-cut American college boy with the build of an American football player". He is a "typical hero in the Flash Gordon mould". Authors have compared Chris to: Buster Crabbe (JW: 220), Miles Colby (DG: 66), a recruitment poster boy (GE: 20; DG: 46; SVAS: 70), trained athlete (CORP: 83; CF: 106), bodybuilder (CF: 31; BT: 40), pilot (CF: 31), gravball player (CF: 167), clean-cut sim hero or movie star (SVAS: 70; CF: 31, 106), farmer, groundsman (DOA: 62), boxer and labourer (BT: 40). He's described in "Original Sin" as being "so good-looking that he was almost a caricature" (160). That's Chris on the covers of: "Original Sin", "Sleepy", "Happy Endings", "Bad Therapy" and "The Room With No Doors" (there's also a good picture at OS: 6).
Finally, Chris snores (SVAS: 216; LB: 233) and dislikes smoking (BT: 51).
'Christopher? ... Oh he's a friend of the Doctor's. From the future.'
The future? 'Blimey! Do you think all men in the future look like that?' (BT: 239)
R is for Roz
The Doctor had booked them into a hotel... [and] only looked awkward for a second as he asked whether Roz and Chris wanted single rooms, or one double, but Chris had laughed and said, 'Two singles. Just like the TARDIS.' (DG: 32-3)
Roz is initially annoyed at being squired to someone with such a different a personality, but she soon forges a close relationship with Chris. Being thrust into varied and strange environments with the Doctor naturally brings them together and they are rarely apart in the early books (SP, Z, TS, SD, D&D). They have a strong camaraderie (SVAS: 127) and Chris plays "good cop" to Roz's "bad" during interrogations (SD: 25). Although Chris stands up to her occasionally (Z: 124), they are best friends (HG: 245; BT: 9) and he feels incomplete without her (Z: 155). Professionally, Roz thinks highly enough of Chris to envisage him as Lord High Sheriff (SVAS: 246), even if she sometimes considers him a lost boy (SVAS: 58) and mothers him (AP: 30, 59). Even when their friendship deepened and became "complicated" (DG: 55), Chris and Roz remained consummate professionals-focusing on their work rather than each other in dangerous situations (ROLD: 275).
Nevertheless, there are early signs (even if they're subconscious for Chris-HG: 35) that their feelings about each other run deeper. Roz makes Chris's heart beat faster (S: 253), and he's extraordinarily tender to her (AP: 16, 17). Roz admits to being "extremely fond" of him (GE: 188) and almost has a heart attack when he endangers himself (S: 80). Roz features regularly in Chris's dreams (CORP: 47; ROLD: 72) and he's thought about holding her hand in public (ROLD: 17). His body language gives it away (ROLD: 65)-Chris is in love with her (ROLD: 74, 209, 235; DOA: 276). After kissing her while he's delirious (ROLD: 138), she evens the score (ROLD: 166), but largely treats it as a crush (ROLD: 217; DOA: 199). They eventually settle for "two good friends who fancy one another" (ROLD: 234), and keep up the kissing (ROLD: 235; DOA: 267; SVAS: 265). Roz is definitely attracted to him (ROLD: 234; perving on him naked-SVAS: 178, 179), but they never sleep together (HE: 48; SVAS: 209).
Chris is devastated by Roz's death (SVAS: 3, 4, 298, 300-1, 304, 305; EW: 165, 167, 188, 215) and misses her (LB: 37, 75). He finds the empathic Patsy Monette so attractive in "Bad Therapy" because she reflects his innermost fantasies and reminds him of Roz (BT: 242).
I is for Inter-relationships and Inheritances
Chris trusts the Doctor (EW: 105; SVAS: 127; RWND: 6; CORP: 257), follows his advice (DG: 155; ROLD: 16; GE: 149), looks to him for answers and solutions (CF: 183; RWND: 197), respects him and aspires to be like him (HG: 170; RWND: 30 cf 176). The Doctor views Chris as resilient (RWND: 91), and has manipulated him to further his own ends (RWND: 196-7, 211). When Chris is aware of being manipulated, he tolerates it (RWND: 219) because the Doctor's ends (CF: 227) usually justify the means (cf BT: 243).
Chris's trust in the Doctor is shaken fundamentally only twice. First, when the Doctor's reluctance to save Kat'lanna reveals the insignificance of human lives in his plans (HG: 211, 253; CORP: 258); and second, when Chris feels the Doctor may have tricked him into rejecting the Carnival Queen's irrational universe in favour of rationality (CORP: 271, 261).
Changing circumstances, and the passage of time, have seen the relationship between them evolve. After travelling in the TARDIS for a while Chris says that being a companion is "Good fun... Most of the time" (ROLD: 56). He'd previously thought the Doctor and Roz-who concealed nothing from each other-regarded him as "mostly harmless", but had not resented their opinion (and occasionally used it to his advantage; see DG: 55). The late-blossoming intimacy between Chris and Roz forced the Doctor to notice Chris more, and he no longer felt like the outsider (DG: 55). After Roz died, the Doctor and Chris did not talk about it (BT: 10, 84). The catalyst for the renewal of their friendship (BT: 292) is Chris's exceptional outburst of anger (BT: 242-4) after he realises, among other things, that the Doctor cannot comprehend his grief.
In between their adventures together, the Doctor instructs Chris in cookery and archery and they have long talks (RWND: 20)-about history, books, and places and times that the Doctor has visited (RWND: 39). Chris now thinks of himself as the Doctor's squire (RWND: 23, 30). When Liz dies in his place (EW), Chris no longer feels capable of being a hero (RWND: 175-6). The Doctor's attempts to mould Chris after his own image (RWND: 30), to outlive his imminent regeneration (RWND: 139, 176), backfire. His actions only exacerbate Chris's feelings of inadequacy (RWND: 176). The Doctor ultimately helps Chris restore his self esteem and realises that he mistook Chris's faith and optimism for naivete (RWND: 251; see also SVAS: 52 and the Doctor's cold statement that Chris's life has fewer possibilities than Roz's). Their affection is restored (RWND: 239, 259), enabling Chris to branch out on his own (LB: 302).
Chris and Benny spent comparatively little time together during the NAs. They were generally kept apart, either because Chris was paired with Roz (OS, SP, Z, TS, SD, JW, S, D&D), they were separated by the exigencies of the plot (HG, WC) or by their intimate relationships with other characters (AP, HE, ROLD). In his companion discussion document, Andy Lane notes that Chris and Benny are opposites. Where she is cynical, sarcastic an suspicious, he is gentle, friendly and trusting.
Although Benny recognises that Chris is physically attractive, he is not her type (Z: 214; AP: 22). They are good friends, and very relaxed around each other: they hug when reunited (ROLD: 22), Chris and the Doctor stay with Benny and Jason after Roz's death (SVAS: 301) and Chris plans to find Benny after leaving the Doctor (LB: 302). Chris was best man for Benny (HE: 201) and gave a speech at her wedding (HE: 242). His simple eulogy at Roz's funeral (SVAS: 300-1) reduces Benny to tears (SVAS: 302), and she has often been moved by his innocence (HG: 216) and optimism (AP: 22).
When Chris stayed with Benny after Roz's death, Jason took Chris to the pub (SVAS: 301). They do little but antagonise each other in "Eternity Weeps".
In virtually their only interaction in the NAs, Wolsey the cat shares a quiet moment with Chris in "Christmas On A Rational Planet" (276).
Nyssa and Tegan
Chris poses as the husband of both Tegan (Bruce Jovanka-CF: 55) and Nyssa (CF: 168). For Nyssa, he prepares a romantic breakfast (CF: 147, 157) and receives a kiss (CF: 167).
Dorothée regards Chris as the "lovable innocent" (LB: 222).
Chris's anguish about Liz's death (EW: 152-3, 161) prompts him to consider leaving the Doctor (RWND: 4, 27, 51).
Inheritances and Family
To contrast him with Roz's privileged background, Chris was supposed to come from a poor (SVAS: 203 cf CORP: 236), but very large and happy, family (Companions: 119). His family lives on one of the lower levels of the Overcity (OS: 8; level 53-CORP: 236) and his parents are both friendly and generous (OS: 159-61; see also AP: 131; RWND: 34 and Continuity Blunders).
The Cwej family has produced seven consecutive (AP: 67) generations of (male) Adjudicators (OS: 161). There was one on the founding panel of Adjudicators (OS: 161), and Nathaniel "Nate" Cwej was a member of Adjudicator Intelligence in the 22nd Century (GE: 35, 36). Chris's father, Volsted Kornbluth Cwej (CORP: 144), was born on 7 May (GE: 28), graduated from the Acadamy in 2905 (OS: 160; AHOTU: 204), served as an Adjudicator until approximately 2971 (OS: 161; AHOTU: 204) and had a partner in common with Roz (Fenn Martle-OS: 161). A "memory" of Volsted Cwej using his young son's robo-frisbee to thwart a bank robbery (CORP: 144-5) influences Chris's choice of the rational over irrational universes in "Christmas On A Rational Planet". While Chris is proud of his heritage, he occasionally doubts his dedication to duty, in comparison to his forebears (DOA: 50). The other downside of coming from a family with generations of trained observers is that they ruin the magician's act at your fifth birthday party (DOA: 147).
Of Chris's mother we know little except that she likes the "Royals" (the Empress and her family-SVAS: 179), watched docudramas (SVAS: 253) and holo-soaps (DG: 55) while Chris was growing up, and planted him in front of holovids (rather than read him nursery rhymes) when he was a child (LB: 44).
Chris has latent psi ability, or at least recessive psi genes (see S; SVAS: 253, 255). The male members of his family also have a genetic predisposition to colour blindness, late onset diabetes and paranoid schizophrenia (AP: 195; RWND: 34). Madness, being an Adjudicator and nose shape and size also run in the family (RWND: 139; CORP: 259). The Adjudicators were apparently suspicious of the Cwej bloodline because of the interbreeding that produced such a long line of Adjudicators (CORP: 236).
It's clear that Chris loves kids and gets on with them (AP: 48; EW: 113; DG: 46; BT: 149). Dep is so smitten by him that she tries to give birth to a boy (as The People can) that will grow into a virtually identical copy of Chris (AP: 195). She keeps it a secret from him (AP: 196), but makes a mistake during conception and ends up with a girl-iKrissi (HE: 249, still an "exact copy"). Ishtar is well aware that she'll have a child that will do a lot of good in the Reconstruction (HE: 284) and chooses Chris to be the father (HE: 275, 283-4), without-of course-telling him (HE: 275; see also Sex). Chris consciously becomes a father for the first time when he gives birth to some gynoids (like woman, or woman-like-CORP: 10, 11; CORP: 227, 236).
S is for SEX!!!
'You like girls, blonde ones particularly.'
Chris raised an eyebrow. 'Oh yes?' ...
'I've seen you giving a few of the women here the once over. You're less accustomed but not necessarily uninterested in the attention of men-mind you, you completely missed Saeed's attempt to chat you up.' (BT: 40)
As well as blondes, Chris is fascinated by Kat'lanna's baldness (HG: 84) and ponders sleeping with her (HG: 91). He fancies "pretty little waitresses" (Z: 123) like Christie (Z: 116) and the busty, topless waitress in Shakedown (19, 20); and in turn, is fancied by her and another waitress in "Damaged Goods" (29). Chris is romantic (OS: 7) and loves playing the dashing war hero to "pretty" Monique in "Just War" (JW: 92, 121). He's also a regular blusher (eg OS: 251; AP: 157; D&D: 279). He's transfixed by an over-endowed exotic dancer in a nightclub (SD: 78), falls "in love" with a Japanese nun (RWND: 23, 24), is flirted with by Roz's niece (SVAS: 212), hops into bed with Joel Mintz when drunk (RWND: 56), fancied by a scientific team (GE: 20) and attracted to one of its members (Felice-GE: 52), but only finds Marielle Duquesne "almost cute" when she looks irritated (CORP: 126, 146). After telling various Dakhaari, Saloi and Czhans about human sex, he inadvertently inspires a small cult notorious for lewd and obscene practices (D&D: 279).
Chris had not led a sheltered life. He'd read his fair share of texts, seen the holovids, done his homework in biology. There had been after-curfew bull sessions in the novice barracks when he was training and he'd raided the odd brothel while on duty... The talk was all of big bazongas and the calibre of a man's torpedo, of positions and teases, not of the way your lover's skin seems to merge into your own until you cannot differentiate where you finish and they begin. (AP: 75)
The obvious implication is that Chris is a virgin until he meets Dep (AP: 41, 75, 194). The next woman Chris sleeps with describes him as "a good night out" (HE: 26) and, like Dep, secretly uses him to father a child (see Inheritances, above). Ishtar of course turns out to be the Timewyrm... (HE: 238). Perhaps Dep and Ishtar don't tell Chris of their plans for children because they know he won't stick around-his panic when Benny ponders marriage (D&D: 12) suggests he's not ready for commitment. Chris next has sex with David Daniels, in a car during "Damaged Goods" (155, 166), after Chris comments that sexuality is rarely an issue where he comes from (154). Chris later looks back fondly on the experience (SVAS: 79). He also has a sexual relationship with Patsy Monette in "Bad Therapy" (233), which he puts down to missing Roz (242), with whom he never slept.
R is for Restraint
...slim female hands began to untie Chris's bounds. He heard giggling as the hands untwined the ropes from around his thighs, pressed on his hard muscles. Embarrassingly, he felt a reaction... He thought about wet fish and the Carnival Queen. That did it. (DOA: 152)
Doctor Who was always full of Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. The NAs are no exception. As companion, Chris has been tied up before facing execution by gallows (HG: 235) and guillotine (CORP: 174, 176-8); handcuffed (TS: 139; BT: 64), manacled (HG: 172) and strapped by his arms, legs and torso to a metal chair (HG: 81); locked in a cage (SP: 207) and police cell (BT: 67); tied up (RWND: 7, 15) and beaten (DOA: 147; HG: 80) and held in a headlock (ROLD: 122). On the bizarre side, he's been concussed and restrained upside down and naked in a dentist chair before an attempted dissection (ROLD: 129, 134) and kicked and cut in preparation for cooking (LB: 182).
C is for Continuity Blunders
"Continuity blunders" is probably too strong a description for a surprisingly cohesive series of books. But the occasional oddity does slip through...
They Can't Even Get His Name Right! # 1
We first learn Chris's middle name from an INITEC 'bot ident' (Rodonanté-OS: 34; repeated at OS: 297; SP: 38; D&D: 15; CORP: 258). Later on, it appears as plain old "Rodonante" (RWND: 3) but then Chris announces himself as "Adjudicator Christopher Rodamonte Cwej" (GE: 114). The mistake is repeated in Lance Parkin's A History of the Universe (205), which suggests that its probable origin was a discussion document about Chris and Roz prepared by Andy Lane and cited by Parkin (206).
They Can't Even Get His Name Right! # 2
Here's the joke. Cwej is really pronounced "Shvey", but too many people have difficulty with that so he calls himself "Kwedge" (OS: 20). Still, Roz has heard of him and knows it's "Shvey" (OS: 12). Andy Lane's discussion document notes Cwej is "pronounced 'Shvey' by some people, but not by Chris himself." Chris tells Penelope Gates first that it's "Kwedge" (RWND: 49), but then later says it's "Shvay" (RWND: 250). It's Kwedge in "Bad Therapy" (43), but Chris has a t-shirt in "Dying Days" with "It's pronounced 'Cwej'!" on it (23). He just can't seem to make up his mind...
Chris appears to get on very well with his parents-he misses them and gets homesick (RWND: 88). He must also have visited them between adventures after OS because it is established (RWND: 20) that he's been travelling with the Doctor for at least two years, subjectively, and he hasn't seen them for slightly more than a year (RWND: 88). So it comes as a surprise in "Lungbarrow" to hear Chris compare his family to the Doctor's (66) and comment that he misses his family because he could "do with a good argument now and then" (91).
The Generation Game
Roz is aware that seven consecutive generations of Cwejs produced adjudicators (AP: 67). But it's implied that the Cwej line of adjudicators stretches back to at least the 22nd Century (GE: 35; OS: 161). Even allowing for future extended life-spans, that's a bit longer than seven generations...
Appearances are Deceptive
Check out the different cover likenesses-though "Original Sin" and "Happy Endings" are pretty consistent. The defining feature of Chris in "Eternity Weeps" is his (sudden increase in) size and strength (cf the descriptions in Hung, above): his hand completely covers Jason's shoulder (101) and both his fists (104); a gentle tug sends Jason flying ten feet (104); he has "fists as big as footballs" (118) etc. Yet Jason is taller on the cover of "Happy Endings"!
Chris Cwej as Plot Device # 1: Cold Killer?
In "Just War", Lance Parkin uses Chris to spell out his anti-war message: murder is murder, whether the victims are soldiers or civilians, Nazis or Allies; whether it's war or peacetime. Secret Agent Cwej becomes fervently patriotic to the Allied Cause-justifying the cold-blooded murder of Nazis because they are "evil" (see JW: 120, 171). The Doctor lectures him-"this isn't a video game" (144)-a lesson he takes to heart (JW: 216; RWND: 139).
But Chris, despite his police training, has never been a cold killer (see HE: 48), and his sudden violent stupidity is inconsistent with his previous character. Prior to "Just War", he vomits at the sight of corpses (OS: 135, 137; see also DOA: 165 cf 86; LB: 133; RWND: 217); refuses to shoot, even in self-defence (TS: 167) and when given the chance to retaliate against one of the guerillas that has attacked him, and savagely raped and killed those around him, says "I should kill him... But I'm not like him" (SP: 168, 169). Chris usually stops Roz from killing (D&D: 47), becomes upset at war (D&D: 205; RWND: 99, 119) and, if he has to kill, goes "into trauma over it for days" (D&D: 116; see also RWND: 40, 63).
Chris Cwej as Plot Device # 2: Warp'd Child
The weirdest use of Chris in a NA has to be "Warchild"-disguised as a Buddhist monk, teaching Comparative Anthropology (WC: 134, 264) in America at Scopes High School (WC: 130). For most of the book, only the canniest of readers will recognise him-not because of the rad. get-up and the fact that he's not named, but because his sagely dialogue is so unlikely (WC: 207, 208). This blunder's neatly resolved later: "I had to impersonate a monk a while back... But it was mostly for appearances. I don't think I understand Zen at all" (RWND: 48).
Chris On An Irrational Plane
In their partnership, Roz is the xenophobe-Chris has always been interested in, and accepting of, aliens (and alien cuisine! eg-SD: 19, 39, 87; ROLD: 61; SVAS: 153). In "Death of Art", "for the first time he felt something of Roz's automatic dislike for aliens" (DOA: 270). Why oh why therefore does he come over so uncharacteristically paranoid about aliens two books earlier? (CORP: 48, 64).
Hung Up On Hangovers
Benny's wedding party is the site of Chris's first hangover-according to Roz, anyway (HE: 281). In the very next book, we learn she's probably wrong (GE: 114), and Chris certainly knows what it feels like to be drunk (S: 189). However his views on alcohol change regularly: he's not used to it (BT: 68; preferring orange juice-BT: 51-to champagne-BT: 85) and disdainful of heavy drinkers (BT: 46) in one book; wanting to get smashed soon after (LB: 38; RWND: 50, 60). See also Enjoys... Food and Drink.
Chris's most frequent exclamations are "cruk" (eg ROLD: 220; BT: 242; LB: 4; "crukk"-DOA: 178), "shit" (eg DG: 183; GE: 94; RWND: 40) and "goddess" (eg LB: 174; EW: 148). Plus of course the occasional "neat" (eg HE: 196), "cool" (eg CORP: 126) and "er" (eg ROLD: 18). Alas, some of these less catchy catch-cries made only one appearance: "Finagle's nostrils!" (S: 40), "Freeze, scumsuckers!" (OS: 280), "born ready" (SD: 213), "Lady Justice's brastrap" (RWND: 156).
Police Academy Flaws
#1: Chris's naïvete as a police rookie stemmed mainly from never having left Earth (OS: 108). Though this doesn't account for his off-world tour of duty on Jallafillia... (CORP: 202).
#2: Chris implies that Roz "had always done the talking" in court, instead of him (LB: 289). When? We witness their first meeting in "Original Sin" (29, 20) and they certainly get no chance to make standard court appearances, or develop a routine for them, at any stage in that book, or afterwards!
W is for Wardrobe
When Chris and Roz first joined the TARDIS crew, it seemed as if they would never get out of their Adjudicator armour. In time though, Chris managed to swap it for a variety of uniforms, spacesuits and armour (including five-count 'em!-different uniforms in "So Vile A Sin" alone!)...
Uniforms and Armour
Adjudicators' armour (AP: 9; S: 36, 122; ROLD: 261); Adjudicators' uniform (SVAS: 3); uniform befitting Canadian secret agent in World War II (JW: 19); Nazi uniform (JW: 156); combat-active soldiers' uniform (D&D: 71); uniform with braided jacket (D&D: 18); servo-powered body-armour suit (D&D: 116); gendarmarie uniform (DOA: 21); blue biocustoms uniform (SVAS: 69); Hopper pilot's uniform (SVAS: 71); Navy uniform (SVAS: 126); House of Forrester uniform-black suit with red emblem (SVAS: 250); Pontifex Saecularis uniform (SVAS: 258); medieval armour (ROLD: 72); dressed as samurai-black kimono, blue and gold loose jacket and trousers over it, hair in samurai topknot, sandals (RWND: 12, 16, 18); wanted to add ferocious face mask to "neat" (light and flexible) samurai armour (RWND: 26); inexpensive green space coveralls for solar yacht racing (SD: 230); flying gear-fur-lined leather jacket and gloves (AP: 95); leather face mask for flying (JW: 208); plastic coveralls (EW: 154); space suit (SVAS: 91; CF: 222); flying helmet (CF: 197).
We've also been told-surprisingly frequently-what Chris wears at bedtime...
White t-shirt and Calvin Klein briefs (Z: 43, 44); robe (AP: 5); garish blue bathrobe (AP: 16); slept in old Jets T-shirt and tracksuit pants (S: 40); bathrobe (HE: 198); Daffy Duck boxer shorts (ROLD: 73; RWND: 3); stripey pyjamas (ROLD: 142, 219); yellow pyjamas (CF: 78); boxer shorts (CF: 226; SVAS: 178); threadbare dressing gown (RWND: 3); dressed in towel (LB: 41).
Then there's the rest of his outfits (when authors deign to tell us what he's wearing of course)...
Miscellaneous Clothes and Accessories
Body bepple to resemble teddybear-ie golden fur, round black eyes etc (OS: 7); jungle-shorts and vest (SP: 37); bloodstained furs (SP: 168); formal morning suit (TS: 37; HE: 201); dark blue trousers, padded black silk jacket (AP: 156); baseball cap (WC: 309); functional tight black shirt and trousers (S: 122); dark green suit with Nehru collar (S: 252); black jeans, padded silver survival jacket (GE: 20); sunglasses (CORP: 10); dressed in silky silver-tinged material (CORP: 83); Japanese slippers (RWND: 99); T-shirt, jeans, black overcoat (ROLD: 42); Levis, white T-shirt, leather jacket (DG: 135, 113); neatly tailored collarless grey suit (CF: 31); nondescript blue suit (SVAS: 178); soft blue suit-tailored at House of Forrester (SVAS: 211); three business suits in wardrobe (CF: 78); tuxedo (CF: 233); trilby (BT: 38); T-shirts, sandshoe (RWND: 3); his Allen Road bedroom has in wardrobe: smart grey suit and cotton shirt, t-shirts-"My friend went to San Francisco and all he got me was this lousy t-shirt", "It's pronounced 'Cwej'"-(Dying Days: 23); jeans, no shirt, when facing Kadiatu (SVAS: 307); confronts Capper only after discarding torn t-shirt (DG: 194). Plus of course there's all the times Chris wandered around naked-eg BT: 232; SP: 35.
Occasionally Chris's clobber warrants a fuller description...
Some Notable Cwej Ensembles
1. The kinkiest of his uniforms, that of Pontifex Saecularis: "tight black trousers, black shirt with a high collar, tall black boots with four wraparound buckles. His big jacket was hanging over the back of the chair..." (SVAS 258).
2. His Buddhist monk day-wear (sans underpants): flowing silk saffron robes, flip-flop sandals, shaved scalp... "In the front row of the classroom one of the girls passed the other girl a note... 'I don't think he's wearing any'" (WC: 133, 207, 208).
3. Standard party wear: "he was dressed in a ridiculous furry loin cloth, his naked torso painted with spiral patterns of blue and silver. He was carrying a large double-bladed axe which he waved enthusiastically..." (AP: 59).
4. For "undercover" work, a navy pin-striped 1940s "Zoot" suit: "the jacket boasted padded shoulders and a fitted waist; the trousers were baggy, but narrowed at the ankles. A knee-length navy coat and felt hat completed the ensemble" (BT: 84, 93).
5. And finally, some examples of Chris's taste in "loud" casual wear: "monkey boots and denims and a scintillating, multicoloured Tyrannosaurus Rex-skin jacket" (SP: 74); "floral shorts and bright orange shirt" (HE: 28); a shirt featuring "big orange and lemon slices on a dark-blue background, with a pair of white shorts" and boots (LB: 47, 92).
Not only did Chris have "lovingly painted" (AP: 10) model spaceships in his bedroom at home on Earth (OS: 250, 169; CORP: 10; ROLD: 55), but also at the Doctor's house in Allen Road (DD: 22), and perhaps even in the TARDIS (AP: 10 cf RWND: 3).
Chris has a love of, and fascination for, machinery (see generally-D&D: 116; CORP: 220; BT: 47; RWND: 124). A trained Adjudicator pilot (see Career), he's always shown a special interest in space craft (Models, above, and HE: 86; he reads space ship magazines-SVAS 181 and 186; SVAS: 270, 307; RWND: 4). Travelling with the Doctor has introduced him to a greater variety of mechanical and other transport. Although he hadn't even heard of an aeroplane (TS: 182) he quickly finds flying them "fantastic!" (TS: 196; JW: 210-"yahoo!"), and the planes themselves (especially biplanes-AP: 101; SVAS: 205) "beautiful" (JW: 228; AP: 96). Chris also flies a buggy (Z: 224), rides a motor cycle (JW: 121), drives various cars (ROLD: 18, 104, 105, 255; DG: 151-2; also a Bentley-JW: 59-60; and a hovercar-CF: 135), flies a helicopter (EW: 103, 144), hopper (SVAS: 71) and spaceship (CF: 197), admires a train engine (BT: 84), visits a transport museum (BT: 10), does a spot of welding (SVAS: 78), steers a horse and carriage (RWND: 134) and even gets behind the wheel of a bulldozer (DG: 243)!
Chris gunned the [car] engine... thinking how much he loved these old transmission drives. They felt solid and meaty in his hands, with no autosystems to guide and compensate. Proper cars for proper drivers. (DG: 151-2)
Food and Drink
We've seen Chris drink coffee (JW: 80; SVAS: 182; Z: 113; GE: 27; DG: 38; ROLD: 15; OS: 61), coke (TS: 162), cocktails (SD: 78), beer (SD: 78; ROLD: 22), wine (HE: 276); Martian ale (GE: 92), root beer (SVAS: 188; LB: 47), warm milk (RWND: 4), melon wine (DG: 31), orange juice (HE: 48, 61), sake (RWND: 50, 254), red wine (BT: 38), champagne (BT: 85; CF: 157) and a chocolate milk shake (SVAS: 203). Among the foods he's sampled in the NAs are: croissants (JW: 80), donuts (ROLD: 44), fried eggs (ROLD: 80), popcorn (SVAS: 179; AP: 22), oysters (CF: 157); bagels (peanut butter and banana?-SVAS: 182), cheeseburger and fries (SVAS: 203), cakes (SD: 37), rice gruel and pickled vegetables (RWND: 28) and shrimp (RWND: 153). Not surprisingly with his physique, Chris tends to eat a lot (ROLD: 80; AP: 22; SD: 167; SVAS: 244). He does not consider himself much of a chef (SVAS: 75), but happily helps with cooking (AP: 263; ROLD: 18; RWND: 47) and is receiving cookery lessons from the Doctor (RWND: 20). In distinct contrast to Roz, Chris loves alien food (even if it's "gross" or wriggly-SVAS: 153; SD: 19).
Chris lives for the adrenaline rush that excitement brings (AP: 6, 103)-whether it's flying an aeroplane (AP: 103), challenging a storm (AP: 5), attending a 1980s American gay rights demonstration (DG: 31) or steering a helicopter through the TARDIS doors (EW: 172). He knows the price of freedom is always danger (AP: 97), so he remains a cautious pilot (SVAS: 78) despite his love of speed (OS: 33; CORP: 220; DOA: 82; RWND: 134). He later recognises that "after all these adventures, I need a rest" (SVAS: 250; LB: 242).
Sports and Games
In the NAs, Chris has gone swimming (AP: 17), surfing (AP: 276), solar yacht racing (SD: 230), jogging (JW: 107; SVAS: 89), played poker (SD: 192) and eight-ball (BT: 292), performed martial arts (WC: 235), played mini golf (HE: 28), challenged the Doctor during a game of pucks (AP: 117), tried chess in Hyde Park (ROLD: 17) and sepulchasm on Gallifrey (LB: 145), gone bungee jumping (ROLD: 17), indulged in a snowfight (RWND: 257), enthused about various games rooms (Z: 94; AP: 17), played video games (SVAS: 89), learnt Zen archery (ROLD: 16; RWND: 6, 20) and easily accomplished 200 press-ups (DOA: 65). As a kid, he played basketball (RWND: 100), threw frisbees (CORP: 70, 145) and watched a lot of sport (DG: 55). We also know that he enjoys (sub-quantum-para) football (CORP: 201) and remodelled the TARDIS gym with Roz (S: 131), but his enthusiasm does not extend to fishing (AP: 176) or cricket (DOA: 157; he doesn't play in HE: 149). He moves like a trained athlete (CORP: 83; JW: 157) and is built like a gravball player (CF: 167; see also Hung).
As a kid, Chris enjoyed science fiction holo-vids (SP: 38) and FreakWarrior vidmags (LB: 173), and wasn't scared at a sci-fi/horror themepark because the monsters were unconvincing (CORP: 93). He loves a good trashvid (LB: 242) and reads comics (RWND: 3). During his leisure time while travelling with the Doctor, he's gone to movies (ROLD: 15, 17; LB: 141), watched 3D sims (SVAS: 307) and indulged himself heavily during a stopover on Navarro (ROLD: 161). His idea of relaxation involves floating on a raft in a swimming pool (SVAS: 243), or visiting a tropical leisure planet and sipping a cool drink whilst reclining in a hammock (LB: 74).
Chris loves unspoilt countryside (BT: 86) and-when he's not entranced by machines-has indulged in mountain-climbing and bushwalking (ROLD: 17), enjoyed watching an electrical storm (AP: 23), ridden horses (RWND: 36) and joined a Greenpeace mission (ROLD: 17)!
Although he can whistle (RWND: 256) and is an enthusiastic dancer (HE: 47), Chris has no sense of rhythm (HE: 48). His fling with David Daniels in 1987 (DG; see Sex!) left him with a taste for 1980s pop music and a cassette featuring: the Communards ("Don't Leave Me This Way"), Prince, Sting, Kim Wilde, Frankie Goes to Hollywood ("Two Tribes" and "Relax (Psycho Buffer Remix)") and Bananarama ("I Heard A Rumour") (SVAS: 78, 79, 83, 84, 178). In New York, the Doctor took Chris and Roz to a performance of Gorecki's Sostenuto Tranquillo Ma Cantabile in Central Park and a late-night café show-tune sing-song (DG: 31).
During moments of leisure while travelling with the Doctor, Chris has also visited art shows and museums (ROLD: 15), SoHo markets (DG: 31) and collected souvenirs from various planets (RWND: 3). His favourite structure is the Chrysler Building in New York (DG: 31, with its "silver art-deco curves") and he appreciates art generally (JW: 22). Chris's bedroom walls at home "were plastered with GALAXY'S MOST WANTED simcords mixed with a smattering of sim-stars and even a couple of semi-naked viy music singers in erotic poses" (OS: 168). Chris finds fluffy animals "cute" (OS: 240), nibbles the end of his pens (DOA: 208), and is arguably not much of a song-writer (or poet):
Wake up in the morning.
Baked beans for breakfast.
So that everyone can beef-head
Ooh, ooh, my ears are alight. (AP: 27)
J is for Judgement: Lad, Fag, Dag or SNAG?
Well, how can we best characterise the last companion of the seventh Doctor? Is he perhaps a...
Chris has turned the heads of plenty of gay men (DG: 65; BT: 40, 192, 239) and has no qualms rescuing them from danger (BT: 63; DG: 252). He's been called a "fairy" (WC: 216) and assumed to be gay (SD: 21 cf BT: 79), got his right ear pierced after joining a gay demonstration (DG: 31, 67) and is more comfortable with the idea of homosexuality (DG: 154; BT: 40) than Roz (DOA: 198). Oh, and he's even had sex with a man (see Sex). Nevertheless, Chris is generally oblivious to gay slang (HG: 164; DG: 74-5, 150) and more interested in women (BT: 40). David Daniels ultimately concludes "Chris wasn't gay, not yet" (DG: 153).
Although Chris has been called a "fashion victim" (JW: 231) and labelled a "bit sci-fi" (HE: 191), he's never had trouble making friends (D&D: 278). Nothing in his character (see "C is for..." above) suggests he's particularly prone to dagginess.
What the hell is a Sensitive New Age Guy anyway? Presumably, a man in touch with his "feminine side", who's not afraid to show emotion or cry-and Chris has demonstrated that (S: 4, 69-70, 245; ROLD: 137). Chris is also very aware of his own body (CF: 226) and-judging by the amount of washing he does-fastidious about cleanliness (CF: 79; Z: 51; SVAS: 78, 126, 154, 178, 207 ie five showers/baths in one book!; BT: 83, 201). Generally the polite gentleman (JW: 225), Chris looks guilty at reading Heavy Cruiser Weekly (SVAS: 186) and is disconcerted by "universal" male suffrage (DOA: 34). Another SNAG characteristic is his perceptive understanding of gender relations (CORP: 10).
Chris can also play the "laddish bloke"-punching out Jason (HE: 70), organising a bucks night (HE: 202), getting drunk (see Continuity Blunders), swilling beer (see Food and Drink), swearing (eg BT: 141; JW: 225; RWND: 144), indulging in a bit of biffo (CF: 182; SD: 22-3), showing off to impress a woman (AP: 74), being a "regular guy" to Ogrons (SVAS: 90) and getting off on a car ("solid and meaty in his hands"-DG: 151-2).
The greater attention to detail that characterises original Doctor Who novels has made possible the development of a complex character like Chris Cwej. A true science-fiction hero-combining bravery and sensitivity-he suffers no major alienating flaws (bar everyday human problems) and is a genuinely likeable addition to the gallery of original characters produced by the series.
No attempt is made to supersede the copyrights of Virgin Publishing Ltd (1995-97) or any of the authors quoted within.