Lana's Laboratory of Lost Loves

Welcome!

Welcome to Lana's lab. She is very excited to meet you. She took a lot of time and energy to complete a website exhausting the entire repertoire of her ostensibly deep well of knowledge. She hopes you will appreciate these gems of insight into the minds of men. If you experience the soul-shattering epiphany this site was specially designed to induce, please email Lana and let her know. After all, she provided everything she knows, free of charge, for your express enjoyment, perusal and warning. 

Do not take this treasure trove of intellectual trinkets for granted or you will be sorry.

Who is Lana?

Lana is a tall, Nordic beauty of the female persuasion. She was blessed by the ancient gods with gossamer brown tresses interlaced with delicate blond highlights. Her eyes are captivatingly green with teasing hints of hazel. She has a voluptuous figure and a wide, inviting smile. Her breasts are so perky they wink at you. When she isn't saving the world from itself, she dispenses invaluable 14K gold nuggets of advice to the lovelorn. Due to her complete and utter selflessness and devotion to the altar of love, she has very little time to dither in what dull, sublunary lovers would call "hobbies." Her spare morsels of private, introspective time are spent sprawled out on a heart-shaped bed in designer peak-a-boo lingerie, contemplating solutions to the world's most pressing social, political, economic and environmental problems. She sustains herself only by a simple diet, the staples of which are bonbons and sparkling pink champagne judiciously imported from France. The only benefit of her demanding life's work is being fanned and fawned over by a select group of men who have come up in the ranks of mere mortals to wait on her eternal self. Such doting on the behalf of a forever grateful world cannot even begin to repay the enormous debt owed to the majesty of Lana, but these men are willing to give it the old college try. Lana is, naturally, pleasantly humbled at their thrilling worship of her.

Who are Lana's Lost Loves?

These are pitiable men, dropped from the roster of would-be greats. They are fallen angels, destined to toil in misery within the very bowels of Hell. Worst of all, they are men who Lana no longer cares for.

R-Lo This man is a poor soul who adored Lana, but Lana, in her infinite wisdom of the heart and soul, did not adore him. He has been banished to the state of Texas.
Kenny This scoundrel  is the genetically doomed fur-ball who had the astronomically bad judgment to shamelessly flirt with innocent Lana's heart, who knew not that he was engaged!
David This jerk broke Lana's heart over and over again, but she kept taking him back, because he was good in bed, mostly, but she assumed that sexual competency meant competency across the board. She was wrong.
Uday This prick led Lana on, convincing her that he loved her, wanted to be with her, thought she was beautiful and worth every inconvenience a relationship indelibly creates. His follow-through was abysmal and Lana never fully recovered from the ensuing heartache.
Ben/Tom Aa$#*()$Y(%$*@(*FSFHSDLFIJ#@$)(@#&$*_)(*@!#$_)*!_ ASSHOLE!

Lovers' Do's and Don'ts

Do... Don't...
  • Learn the deeply mysterious but intensely profound nuances of flirtation. Men will dig you. Note: you'll know you're on the right track if the chicks in any given establishment want to tear you limb from limb. If this occurs, simply repeat Lana's mantra: they're just jealous.
  • Date men who are in any way connected with the Anderson, Indiana Hoosier Park. They are losers, losers, losers! When they're not overcompensating for their lowly life's position with ridiculously needless lies, they're jabbering on and on about horses. Like you care, right?
  • Accept drinks from strangers: it's the courteous thing to do. To decline an offer of spirits is tantamount to the height of rudeness. Besides, you wouldn't want to risk bruising a man's fragile pride and ego, now would you?
  • Assume a man's bought you by doing so! Remind him that he didn't have to buy you a drink/meal/luxury automobile; your willingness to accept the token of affection is merely the execution of polite, social obligation.
  • Give any potential lover who requests to see you again your phone number. This puts the ball squarely in his court to show any firm, definite interest.
  • Take a man's phone number, which leaves you in the awful position of deciding whether or not to call a man who probably doesn't remember you.

Lana bids you a fond farewell

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