A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
'To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.'
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:
'To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to state for the record that you too are 54 years old. As you may recall, I am a maths teacher at our district school. So while you're at the Comfort Inn, and as I now have the evening free, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, with one of my students, who is also captain of the tennis squad. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, you will recognise that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime late tomorrow.'
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his manhood covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure . We're going to have to amputate your manhood".
The man screams! In horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his manhood and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my manhood?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money."
Archie and Fergus, are sitting in the pub discussing Archie's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all going grand," says Archie. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..."
Fergie nods approvingly.
"Heavens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Archie.
"A kilt?" exclaims Fergus, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?"
"Och," says Archie, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ... " I don't weally fink my pet pyfon will give a phuk."
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?
Tower:"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!
Ground Traffic Control:"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!
Unknown aircraft:"I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare's Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,one o'clock, three miles, eastbound.
United 329:"Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights, and return to the airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa pilot (in German): �Ground, what is our start clearance time?
Ground (in English):"If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?
BR Continental 635:"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call-sign Speedbird 206 .
Speedbird 206:"Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.
Ground:"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?
Speedbird 206:"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
While taxiing at London�s airport, the crew of a USAir flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, USAir 2771?
"Yes, ma'am,"the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
Anyway the fella who was driving got out... And he was a dwarf!
He said, "I'm not happy"...
I said, "Well which one are you then?"