ＣＯＧＩＴＯ, ＥＲＧＯ ＳＵＭ ㋡
ＥＴ 𖧹 ＥＰＳＩ𖧹 ＭＥＣＵＭ
I've never quite gotten the hang of talking about myself. Especially in situations like these. I think I've written & rewritten my profile numerous times & they never seemed to fit me. Maybe it's just because I can never find that comfortable spot to actually write from. It always makes me somewhat uneasy to express too much of myself. I'm not sure why really. Then I guess if you didn't want to read it, you wouldn't, right?
I'm a 150 year old Alphamale that dwells in the depths of the Outerworld (just kidding). I'm loner by nature, silent by choice & a recluse by circumstance. I would rather be silent than just talk to hear the silence be filled up with words. It waste too much energy trying to fill silence that needs not be filled. I'm sure some do it out of fear or maybe other reasons unknown. Being a loner has also played a part in my preference of silence. When you distant yourself from people within the world for various reasons you tend to become more comfortable & accustomed to the silence that comes with it.
I'm a walking contradictions at times. Or maybe it's just a personal imbalance.
While I value the friends that I have, I don't have any issues with just walking away. This is one of those personal imbalances that I have. If I feel that a person is toxicated, then I don't want to include them & have them drag me into a place I need not be. I focus on the positivity, it makes me a better person & in the end that's all I wanted to be a better person. I find it easier for my comfort level being that way. I've never been the one that could balance out numerous things in all sorts. Maybe it's because I mostly live within my own mind. I blame it on always isolating myself.
I knew we all have struggles in our life. It's a given fact & it will happen. They are part of it, something that we learn & grow from. I can barely remember some form of times where there wasn't a struggle in my life. Between my own personal battles it seems that all I know is some forms of it & over the years it's gotten harder. Maybe it's just because as I grow older my heart is more on my sleeve, I'm not sure. Things affect me differently now than they did years ago. At one time I was able to express feelings, to be able to feel comfortable & being around to those that do so. While it is hard for me to feel comfortable in doing so. I'm learning to grow & express myself with those that care about me. Maybe over the years I have closed myself off. But with the love & support of the few close people I have in my life. I've learned & grow. I'm able to do things better now. I understand & take what they say to heart. Without them I wouldn't been able to come as far as I have.
I'm a deep thinker. My mind always wandering around to what if's and what was. I'm not sure why. I think it is a trait that I've inherited from my father. I've noticed he does the same thing. The joys of family traits! How wonderful.
While I dread coming to this part I suppose I will discuss my recluse by circumstances statement. I'll not bore you with all the horrible details as they are tedious & not something you're probably interested in. It is not something I shout from the roof tops. I don't like to be coddled, over indulged in peoples sympathy or be a charity case of it. It's part of life, I'm coping & dealing with things the best as I can. The best I can reflects on the outside, while the absolute crumbling I have is always inside.
I'm pretty sure I have probably wrote you into an absolute boredom. Ofcourse as I read this through, I realize that yet again I have managed to talk, talk, talk & not quite reveal a lot of things about me. I have a bad habit of doing that. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's a defense mechanism or maybe I'm broken in that aspect as well. I guess we'll find out as some point in time, won't we?
The things we choose to dislike & turn away from. I'm not going to dwell a lot on this topic. I will share some of the peeves that are most important to me. The ones that I cannot let go of. I choose not to define myself by the negativity. But they are something you just can't avoid.
I think lying is inevitable. It's going to happen regardless. What I can't stand is lying or the constant lying after you've given someone a chance to redeem themselves by telling you the truth. That is something I cannot tolerate. We all make mistakes. It takes courage to own up to what you have done & say the words I am "SORRY". Lying to me is the quickest way to severe a friendship. I have done it before & I will not hesitate to do it again. Once I am finish, I am finished there is no more.
Those that take trust for granted; specifically mine. I don't trust a lot of people. So most the time I'm very reserved in what I say. I take the trust that people put into me very seriously. I will not spread things around that have been said to me in confidence for personal gain or for vengeance. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me.So I choose not to do it to them no matter how volatile the situation becomes.
I'm horrible at idle chit chat. I think it has to do with the fact I do not like to fill the silence. It's just something I have never quite gotten the hang of. While I do idle chit chat every once in a while. I find it very difficult to enjoy unless it's with the right people. Most the time I find it awkward. One on one conversation can be awkward to me as well. I think it's because I'm quiet, I do better in group situations since I can flutter back & forth & my attention span isn't stretched to its limit.
Some assumptions grind my sensibilities. While I'm quiet & reserved, I'm far from stuck up. I don't think I'm better than everyone, some yes but not everyone. I realize that some people aren't going to like me. I'm fine with that. I'm 100% comfortable in realizing that I can't please everyone & everyone can't please me aswell. It's life, it's going to happen. We move on to different aspects & things.
I would say I'm not fond of dramatic antics, but actually I'm rather fond of entertainment as long as it's not in malice. Actually let me elaborate. By dramatic antics, I mean those that choose to vent their frustrations & dislikes in an enjoyable manner. What I do /n't like however, is that there are some people who are mean... just to be mean. There's no sense in it or reason for it. If you feel the need to bully, belittle people or inflate your own ego by being hurtful to others. Then I guess you need to work on your own inner turmoil.
Also the people who bandwagon jumps into arguments that has nothing to do with them. This is one of the most irksome things I have ever seen. And in pretty much most of the situations they are people who thrive on conflict & don't care to get the whole story. But choose to act a fool & then look asinine when they are proven wrong. There's a time & a place to do this. Most of this that I have seen is neither the time nor the place. But then again, what do I know?
This is really more of an "I don't understand things" rather than something "I don't like things". I can't understand how people can be overly pessimistic about everything. Granted there are going to be things that we are pessimistic about, but when everything you say is negative it becomes a real bore. I personally don't want to surround myself with someone like that. A person's mood can influence my own. I've lived enough of my time down in that hole on my own doing. I don't wish to venture down that hole with someone else's doing.
Okay, I think I've ventured down that path long enough. It's time to move on.
So now, the time has come to bid the big farewell. I hope I did not bore you too much with my ramblings. And I do hope it made sense. There are times when my mind is jumbled with so many things. It's hard to have them all to make sense though.
Anyways, may you enjoy your journey through life & live each day as it were your last. :) God bless.🙂 🙏