Irma Splugg, 15
Recently attempted to show her devotion by carving the words, "Richey was 4 real, I mean, yes honestly he was, I mean definitely" into her forearm with a razor blade, but passed out due to loss of blood halfway through. She later presented herself at the local casualty department requesting that they suture closed only part of the wound as she had made a spelling mistake. Irma has opened the veins on her wrists so frequently that she no longer has to slit them, but has had a special zip surgically implanted into her wrist.
Clare Muldrew, 17
Clare has lately achieved the distinction of having had restraining orders placed on her by all three Manics separately, and currently has court appearances pending with Richey's parents, James Dean Bradfield's local newsagent and the vet who looks after Nicky Wire's dog. This latter court appearance derives from an incident in which she stole one of the Wire's dog's worming tablets, a tablet that she later had mounted and now has pride of place on her mantelpiece. "It gives me a feeling of pride to know that I own a piece of the material used to ensure that the pet dog of one of rock's greatest icons remains free from intestinal parasites," she later told journalists. Other prize mementos owned by Clare include a tissue that Sean blew his nose on, an empty snickers wrapper discarded by Nicky Wire in a Newport cafe and a floater that James Dean Bradfield left in a West London toilet.
Nicola Wire, 16
Having recently changed her name from Sarah Lumley, Nicola Wire owns so many feather boas that a West Indies religious cult that worships the chicken as sacred has recently declared a sacred jihad against her. She replaced her cat's flea collar with a special anti-flea feather boa of her own design that she intends to market. Attempts by Nicola to have Nicky Wire's calf muscles recognised by the government as a national monument have, so far, fallen upon deaf ears.
Theresa Plugmore, 19
Theresa may well be the world's most persistence Richey obsessive. She currently has a giant tattoo of Richey's face on her stomach, as well as another tattoo of Richey's arse on her arse. She is currently promoting the controversial theory that Richey has successfully remained in hiding by assuming a new identity as a petrol-driven lawn mower. Her attempts to prove her theory have led to her being banned from several branches of B&Q.
Sarah Scunthorpe, 17
Sarah is currently running a campaign to have James Dean Bradfield undertake massive plastic surgery to transform him from the fat old bloater he looks like today back to being the skinny sex god he was in the Motorcycle Emptiness video. "Your donations can make a difference," she says, "We're raising money to fly out one of the world's top liposuction teams from LA, and hiring another team of elite plastic surgeons to work on getting those cheekbones back. You know it's a worthy cause." Sarah's campaign was recently given a boost after a large donation from a mystery benefactor, although the cheque appeared to be signed "J. Bradfield."
Simon Price, 94
A mysterious, rather dodgy looking middle-aged man who has been spotted backstage at numerous Manics gigs attempting to cop off with teenage girls. Upon being approached he said, "I'm great mates with the Manics, me. Look, I've written this book about them. Nicky Wire's a big chum of mine. Erm, you look like a rather nice young thing. Why don't you come over here and sit on my lap? I can be very helpful to those who are nice to me. I could even introduce you to the Manics. Perhaps a little kiss...?" At this point our correspondent's courage failed her and she ran away.