Some fuckwits who are about to do the gene pool a favour by removing themselves from it
1. An example of a good scientific question is: "what kind of polymer material provides the most efficiency in this kind of agricultural machinery?"
2. An example of a bad scientific question is "what happens if I create a new breed of genetically modified, highly intelligent sharks and lock myself underwater with them?" (hint: the probable answer is - they eat you)
3. If a cackling old woman tells me not to interfere with the laws of space and time, I will pay attention. Cackling old women are generally worth listening to in these situations.
4. I will carry out my research in convenient facilities located at my university, and definitely not in a secret underground laboratory with only one exit.
5. I will not talk in a posh British accent. For some reason this always seems to get you killed.
6. If my experimental creature turns psychotic and runs amuck killing people, I will not shout "No! you cannot destroy my creation!" and attempt to stop the hero from killing it. I will write it off as a bad lot, allow the creature to be killed and get myself a good lawyer.
7. If a group of us are trapped by the beast, we will remain together at all times, looking out for one another's safety. No members of the group will be permitted to wander off alone one by one into a dark corner.
8. I will not allow myself to be in a position where an experimental machine has started running and when the hero shouts at me to shut it down, I am forced to grin inanely and say, "But that's the beauty of this machine. Once it's started running, nothing can stop it." All experimental machinery will be fitted with emergency cut-off switches as a matter of routine health and safety.
9. I will attempt to find a cure for Alzheimers by synthesising the materials out of organic compounds, and not by syphoning it out of the brains of giant, genetically modified sharks.
10. If forced to spend the night on an island research facility during a hurricane, I will not send all the staff on a boat to the mainland except for a skeleton team. I will retain the skeleton team plus a large team of heavily armed security staff.
11. I will not entrust the entire security network of my research facility to a single computer system.
12. If it is absolutely essential for the entire security network of my research facility to be run from a single computer system, I will not allow it to be maintained by a disgruntled employee with a debt problem.
13. And the most important rule of being a mad scientist and surviving: if the beast gets loose, I will hide behind a thick wall shooting at it with a rocket launcher. I will NOT wander alone into a dark room and try to entice it into a specimen jar.
Run away cackling behind some laboratory specimens