The rock band Primal Scream are under increasing scrutiny from security sources following allegations of links between frontman Bobby Gillespie and Islamic terrorism.
Following the September 11 attacks, Primal Scream were forced to change the title and lyrics of their comeback song, Bomb the Pentagon, due to ominous similarities between the song title and the attacks on Washington and New York. However, events have taken a new twist when, in scenes reminiscent of Primal Scream�s previous hit single, Kill All Hippies, all hippies were killed in a surprise wave of coordinated attacks by al Qaeda terrorists, targeting ethnic d�cor shops, 60s revivalist bands, wigwam communities and folk festivals. Scenes of carnage erupted across the world as reports flooded in. At a self-sufficient commune in Llatikcuf valley, mid-Wales, eyewitness Dancer Angel-Bear (real name Eric Pratchett) told reporters �they infiltrated the community with a suicide bomber hiding the explosives under a Mongolian birthing shawl. A really cool one too, with zigzag horizontal patterns. When the bomb went off there were just screams followed by a shower of flying Indian dream-catchers and hair braids. I haven�t seen anything so far out since Stonehenge in 78.� To maximise casualties, bombs were packed with homemade shrapnel made from crystals and shards of broken incense burners. Other attacks were foiled by vigilant security forces or sheer luck. In Cornwall, an al Qaeda cell attempted to destroy the Ecosphere 2000 bio-dome by hijacking the 86 bus from St Austell to Penzance and crashing it into the dome. However the terrorists� plan failed because they only had enough change for a ticket as far as Bodmin.
The attacks have created shockwaves around the world, with billions being wiped off the value of shares in kaftan and tie-dye. Tensions have also been fuelled between India and Pakistan, with the Pakistan military threatening to invade certain border regions of India in an attempt to capture areas rich in valuable reserves of backpacker resorts and New Age communes. Pakistani defence minister General Muhammed al-Jabbalallallalayayayayajubjub said at a press conference, �Our two countries are scant in natural resources, and one of the few resources we do have is stupid white people coming here to be fleeced of their money in exchange for pronunciations of cod-mystical bollocks by dodgy-looking blokes in turbans. Given the sudden reductions in the availability of these reserves, the Indian government should not be seeking to monopolise what is left.�
Al Qaeda sources denied that their actions have any link to Primal Scream. A statement attributed to Osama bin Laden reads, �Our jihad against hippies is essential for the triumph of Islam, for does it not say in the Holy Quran �It displeaseth Allah to see old men bang on about Woodstock and what a prophet Timothy Leary was. Verily, this be really fucking annoying.� This campaign is merely the latest stage in our quest to xtrmnt, I mean exterminate the Satanic forces of American Imperialism.�
Primal Scream�s next single, Death to All Infidels (Praise Be to Allah), is to be released early next month.
Infiltrate the Satanic Infidel