Queen Ponce's Ug, apparently oblivious to the dangers of wearing sunglasses in the dark
(The following story is completely fictitious. Any references or similarity to King Adora, Rachel Stamp, Antiproduct, etc etc are purely coincidental. Maybe)
SCENE: Backstage at a Queen Ponce gig. UG, SPUG, PLUG and DUG are milling around checking their make-up.
UG: This is it boys, we�ve hit the big time. We�re playing the�(checks notes) Dog and Fishbone Inn, Port Talbot.
SPUG: Woohoo! Maybe this time we could attract a crowd of five, six, maybe even seven people! Things are looking up.
DUG: Here Plug, have you lost weight? You look so much thinner.
PLUG: Yeah, I�ve been on a diet. I�m down to 18 stone now. I can�t believe it. I can fit through doors now.
UG: Well, I don�t have that problem. I�m anorexic you know. I�m starving myself away. I want to be so skinny that I rot from view. I want to walk in the snow and�.(spots rider)�oooh, sausage rolls! (leaps on top of the rider and disappears in a cloud of flying pastry)
PLUG: Come on Ug, there�s no time for that now. We�re on.
(The band take the stage. In front of the stage is a small group of MANICS FANS)
MANICS FAN#1: Hey Rhiannon, what do you think of my new feather boa? Took me ages to find one like it.
MANICS FAN#2: It�s great. Do you like my new leopardskin coat? You wouldn�t believe how many leopards I had to kill to make it�.
UG: Good evening Port Talbot! We are Queen Ponce, and we are gonna rock you with ninety minutes of music and sex!
PLUG: How are we gonna do that Ug? We�ve only got three songs.
UG: Shut up Plug.
(the band launch into a cacophony of tuneless guitar noises)
MANICS FAN#3: Is my skirt looking good? I spent hours putting all the glitter down the side.
MANICS FAN#1: I love it. By the way, I wish those guys up there would stop making that racket. I�m trying to do my mascara. Who are they anyway?
MANICS FAN#2: No idea. Oooh, there�s a sexy ladyboy over by the bar. Let�s try to cop off with him.
(The band�s song grinds to a halt, to a deafening round of non-applause)
UG: Thank you Port Talbot! This next one is our political song. It�s called Wearing Tinsel for an Increase in the National Minimum Wage�
DUG: Give em your sultry pout Spug.
SPUG: Okay.
(Spug twists his face into his �sultry pout.� Several small children run out of the room screaming)
MANICSFAN#1: That�s a journalist over there. Is he from the NME?
MANICSFAN#2: No, the Llantwit Major Gazette.
JOURNALIST: I don�t know why I�m bothering. The gig review will probably be pushed out to make room for the big new story about Hywel Ifans� new prize sheep.
PLUG: Do your sexy dance, Ug.
UG: I can�t, I�m not ready. Just a sec. (inserts curtain rod up his own bottom) Okay, I�m ready now.
(UG begins to dance, while the band launch into a song that doesn�t sound exactly like the intro to a Pixies song, honest guv)
MANICSFAN#3: I think we ought to call an ambulance. That guy seems to be having an epileptic fit.
MANICSFAN#4: Oi, you lot! What�s this I hear about you sleeping with 15 year old girls?
UG: We have to! Nobody over the age of 15 likes us!
MANICSFAN#1: This is bollocks. Let�s go shopping for eye shadow and razor blades.
UG: Hey, where are you going? Come back!
The MANICS FANS troop out. UG runs after them, but accidentally opens a cupboard door thinking it�s the exit, and is promptly buried under a huge pile of unsold Queen Ponce CDs.
to be continued�