A cave, deepest Ireland. We hear laughter within, but not the friendly sort; this is the cackling of toil and trouble, the death-rasp of somebody looking back on their life and seeing nothing but acts of pure evil. The screeching is male, and behind the ungodly crowing is another, multitudinous sound � that of children, bickering, fighting. The cave: extends deep into blackness. Towards one side, a crude fire about which feral Irish children are performing some crazed ritual, clad in leather and fur and dancing with abandon. Amongst them run wolf-cubs: at times the two species are indistinguishable. On the other side of the cave, a computer screen emits a sickly glow, demonically illuminating the wizened face of an enormous man-beast. The howling laughter that knows no god is emitting from the fungal guts of this abomination of nature: Maniac Extremist.
Maniac�s laughter is thanks to one thing: the Internet. Before his betrothed she-wolf had returned from her hunt with the computer dangling from her dear maw, Maniac�s life was devoid of cheer. But now he sits magnificently priapic, his enormous member glistening with chicken-grease and decaying wolf shit. The screen before him displays images from his favourite web-site: Nazi Lolita Scat Porn. Maniac hoots again, and lifts one leg: he farts an arc of fetid black shitwater across the cave floor. The feral children immediately rush to the stinking pools and begin to lap the floor eagerly, fighting against the wolf-cubs for space. Maniac reaches beneath the chair and grabs a heavy-duty mortar that he keeps separate from the rest of the IRA arms cache in the cave. He aims it meaningfully at the children and wolves and they scatter � he is a harsh but fair master and does not like to see unruliness and bad behavior in his cave.
�GETARRRRRTOOVVVVIITTT!� Maniac advised, tapping the end of the mortar against his palm. The bestial youth dealt with, Maniac returned to the task in hand: wanking. Drawing a huge bowie knife from his rectum, Maniac begins frantically whittling at his huge cock as he absorbs every pixel of Third Reich sex-horror. The children back towards the edge of the cave in wonder and horror, amazed at their father�s manhood. The sounds of classic rock emanate from Maniac�s computer speakers � in this instance it is Led Zeppelin�s �Immigrant Song�.
�HITLERSCATRAPEUNNNGGGGHHHHH!� Maniac ejaculates torrentially, and huge gobs of sizzling green DNA-flob splatter the faces of his beloved children as Robert Plant sings something about Vikings. The children begin playing. Maniac emits a world-weary sigh and thinks to himself how lucky he is. As he does every morning, he closes down his favourite website and types in the URL of his SECOND-favourite website into Internet Explorer: uk.sonymusic.co.uk/manics/community/forum. He knows the address off by heart. Maniac grins to himself and belches a plume of fetid air that archaeologist Howard Carter first experienced when opening the doorway to the unholy tomb of Tutenkahmun in 1923.
Cut-shot. Vaseline-focus: a beautiful Irish maiden is combing her long black hair in front of an intricately-gilded oval mirror. The scent of rose petals drifts about her in the hazy, honey morning air. She looks like the long-lost fourth Corrs sister. In fact, she is. A bluebird arrives on her windowsill and begins to sing its ancient and unknowable story as the chatter of a modem announces that the divine maiden is logging on to the Internet. The girl sits at her computer and the plush velvet folds of her chair mold themselves gently to the delicate curve of her buttocks. She is looking at the Official Manics Forum. She enters her adopted name; elegant, slender fingers push against each key in turn. �P� � rugged men on mountaintops momentarily pass out and find themselves falling into space; �R� � legions of woodland creatures look up expectantly; �U� � blue whales shower fountains of holy water over laughing dolphins - �F� � gardens explode unexpectedly into kaleidoscope bloom and the air fills with blossom � �R� � suburban housewives spontaneously experience their first ever orgasms � �O� � an innocent child, laughing � �C� � murderers and thieves have a change of heart and engage in random acts of kindness � K� � the Sun looks upon its Earth and smiles benevolently, rays of everlasting love and warmth.
Prufrock has arrived. Maniac Extremist stiffens. Shit-brown cloudbursts of anal sex juices obscure his consciousness, and his knackersack begins to tighten around his evil eggs.