You know you're a goth if...
1. You have so much fetish gear in your room that your landlord nearly threw you out on suspicion of running a brothel.
2. You navigate across your town centre not by street names but by reference to fetish shops, tattoo artists and bizarre clothing shops.
3. Your cat has a pierced tongue.
4. You keep writing to the Ordnance Survey asking them to move the Meridian Line from Greenwich to Whitby.
5. You were recently surprised to discover that some people put their dog collar on a dog.
6. You have been experimenting with different food types in an attempt to discover a way to turn your urine black.
7. You berate fellow goths for not being goth enough because they once looked at something white.
8. You own far more Anne Rice novels than is absolutely necessary.
9. You once entered therapy in an attempt to become depressed.
10. You were once in a pantomime version of Treasure Island, and entertained the audience with a charming rendition of Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum (Cradle of Filth remix).
11. You are trying to develop a piece of technology that scientifically determines whether a particular item is or is not goth.
12. You own so many pairs of fishnet tights that Cornish trawlermen regularly raid your wardrobe for fresh supplies.
13. You once made a complaint to your local branch of Tescos for not selling black lace toilet paper.
14. You keep getting arrested at airports because your piercings set off all the metal detectors.
15. You own a pair of platform shoes with heels so high that you keep getting near-misses from low-flying aircraft.
16. Whenever you see a cemetery, you inwardly curse all the dead people for being inherently more goth than you.
17. Your credit card is often rejected by shops because you signed it �The Reverend Celator Majestyk.�
18. You tried to divorce your little brother/sister for liking S Club 7.
19. You have dyed your hair so many times that you�re no longer sure what your original hair colour was.
20. You are convinced that double glazing must be inherently goth because it contains PVC.
21. You can recite the entire script of The Crow off by heart, and tried to keep a real-life crow in your room until you got reported to the RSPB.
22. You have only just discovered that lipstick can be found in colours other than black.
23. You take the view that anyone who spends less than two hours doing makeup before leaving the house just isn�t trying.
24. You once took part in a satanic ritual, and nearly shat yourself when the window cleaner banged on the window during the Raising of Lucifer.
25. You use so many candles that the local airport uses your bedroom as a navigation beacon.
27. When you give birth, you try to get the obstetrician to give the baby a bellybutton ring as she severs the umbilical cord.
28. You wear black PVC pyjamas to bed.
29. Each morning you say a prayer to the sacred deity Marilyn Manson.
30. You keep getting thrown out of cinema screenings of old Hammer films for cheering on the vampire.
31. You got fired from your job as a casino croupier for dealing tarot cards to the blackjack players.
32. You dismiss almost every other goth you know as being "not a proper goth" while they in turn dismiss you and each other as "not a proper goth".
33. You live in Bristol. Why is every fucker in Bristol a goth?