Love Affairs

An Affair to Remember

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged
daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine
months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the
nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be 
the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked,
"Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said,
"Not this time."

The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered the
longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr.Schwartz," said themortician,
"But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part
like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a  briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe,"
 he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum
powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us
 too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to
sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchenand returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the
Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

The Fifth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent.
"Becky," he said in his tired voice,
"I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best
 friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly.
"That's why I poisoned you."

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