Subject: Hospital funnies


  > A Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients
  >
  > Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort
  > Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable
  > scientific objectivity.
  >
  > Be cheerful at all times
  > Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness
  and
  > reassurance he can get.
  >
  > Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated
  > Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
  >
  > Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief
  > You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the
  true
  > nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you
  > may have experienced.
  >
  > Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it
  > It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained
  in
  > terms that you would understand.
  >
  > Submit to novel experimental treatment readily
  > Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research
  paper
  > will surely be of widespread interest.
  >
  > Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly
  > You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the
  > well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
  >
  > Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford
  > It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
  >
  > Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course
  of
  > treatment by your doctor
  > The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred
  > duty to protect him from exposure.
  >
  > Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care
  > This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
  >
  >
  >
  > The Laws of the House of Trauma
  >
  > Survivability is inversely proportional to societal worth
  > If you have more than two tattoos, you'll never die, especially if one is
  a
  > homemade  cross or swastika
  > A blood alcohol level greater than 0.30 confers temporary immortality
  > In you were shot or stabbed, you probably deserved it
  > Never give an ER doc anything sharper than a tongue blade
  > The closeness in relationship to a doctor or lawyer is directly
  proportional
  > to the  chance of surviving a major complication
  > The number of unsurvivable injuries a patient survives is approximately
  equal
  > to the  number of felonies committed while incurring the trauma
  > The percent of burn is proportional to the number of deviant answers on
  the
  > patient's  MMPI
  > The number of drug convictions equals the number of central venous
  catheters
  > necessary to resuscitate a patient
  > Remember, the life you save may take your own
  >
  >
  >
  >
  > You Might be in the Medical Field if;
  >
  >
  > Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to
  you.
  >
  > Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
  >
  > You find humor in other people's stupidity.
  >
  > You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
  >
  > Your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint.
  >
  > You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis.
  >
  > You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
  >
  > You believe that chocolate is a food group.
  >
  > You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says,"Boy, it
  > sure is quiet around here."
  >
  > When you're out in public and you compliment a complete stranger on their
  > great veins.
  >
  > You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal
  Care
  > Center."
  >
  > You hate working on nights with a full moon.
  >
  > You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate for this
  > patient.
  >
  > You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "SUICIDE...Getting it
  Right
  > the First Time!"
  >
  > You have had to leave a patient's room before you began laughing
  > uncontrollably.
  >
  > You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
  >
  > You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
  >
  > The most commonly uttered phrase after midnight is "What changed tonight
  at
  > 0200 hours that makes it an emergency after 6 months?"
  >
  > You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.
  >
  > You have ever referred to the ER as a "shit magnet."
  >
  > You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a Valium salt
  lick.
  >
  > You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab.
  >
  > When ordering labs, the doctor wants to order a "dumb shit profile."
  >
  > When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.
  >
  > You are totally astounded when someone from the lab speaks English.
  >
  > You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you say,"No, I don't worry
  about
  > birth control...I've been irradiated."
  >
  > Your patient states, "I have no idea how that got stuck up there."
  >
  > You can identify the "positive teeth vs. tattoo" ratio.
  >
  > You have your weekends off, marked and planned for a year.
  >
  > You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA just so you don't have
  to
  > deal with them anymore.
  >
  > You use your status to get out of speeding tickets.
  >
  > You use the word GOMER in a sentence more than once a night.
  >
  > You have ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.
  >
  > You threaten to use "the hose" if your patient won't give you a urine
  > specimen.
  >
  > After someone tells you how many drinks the've had, your question
  is"...and
  > how big were those drinks?"
  >
  >

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