Subject: Dictionary for mothers


  > Mom's Dictionary
  >
  >  AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
  >
  >  ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a
  > child-sized  creature cleaning up after itself.
  >
  >  APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for
  cupcakes.
  >
  >  BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's
  42.
  >
  >  BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom)
  to
  > be self-cleaning.
  >
  >  "BECAUSE": Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be
  explained
  > logically.
  >
  >  BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
  >
  >  CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off
  > shoes.
  >
  >  CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up
  > going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most
  > sugar.
  >
  >  CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love
  leftover
  > vegetables.
  >
  >  COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.
  >
  >  COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat
  > dinner.
  >
  >  DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the
  > kids in a different setting.
  >
  >  DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
  >
  >  DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a
  battle
  > zone.
  >
  >  DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
  >
  >  EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
  >
  >  EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
  >
  >  EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
  >
  >  ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked
  to
  > do something.
  >
  >  "EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times
  by
  > children.
  >
  >  EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be
  "put
  > out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter
  knife.
  >
  >  FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
  >
  >  FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's
  for
  > dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
  >
  >  FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter
  > date an older guy with a motorcycle.
  >
  >  GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom
  assigns
  > to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
  >
  >  GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
  >
  >  GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
  >
  >  HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not
  > containing, dirty clothing.
  >
  >  HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.
  >
  >  HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and
  > sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the
  evening
  > meal.
  >
  >  HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
  >
  >  HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the
  > Golden Fleece.
  >
  >  ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if
  > kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back
  in
  > the freezer empty.
  >
  >  INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom
  has
  > spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
  >
  >  "I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.
  >
  >  JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.
  >
  >  JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any
  > occasion, including church and funerals.
  >
  >  JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
  >
  >  JUNK: Dad's stuff.
  >
  >  KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom
  > spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
  >
  >  KISS: Mom medicine.
  >
  >  LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends
  do
  > so.
  >
  >  LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix,
  > sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and
  ice
  > for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15
  cents.
  >
  >  LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache
  > volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a
  full-ride
  > scholarship to Harvard.
  >
  >  LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"
  >
  >  MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look
  > better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
  >
  >  MAYBE: No.
  >
  >  MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned
  > into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
  >
  >  "MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
  >
  >  MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2) Main element
  of
  > Mom's favorite movies.
  >
  >  NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have
  a
  > full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn
  modeling
  > clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll
  clothing.
  >
  >  PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
  >
  >  OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
  > assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats,
  > cars and animals.
  >
  >  OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of
  company.
  >
  >  OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
  >
  >  PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean
  their
  > rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
  >
  >  PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have
  someone
  > else to clean up after.
  >
  >  PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of
  > dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to
  > play in front of company.
  >
  >  PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can
  never
  > find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic
  container
  > full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a
  football,
  > wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
  >
  >  QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the
  > first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
  >
  >  RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm,
  > rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a
  book
  > bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."
  >
  >  REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the
  kitchen.
  >
  >  ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a
  Mom
  > who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting. SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in
  which
  > adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse
  > reenactments of famous historic events.
  >
  >  SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
  >
  >  SHOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and
  > snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the
  cold
  > and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
  >
  >  SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her
  > kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
  >
  >  SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.
  >
  >  SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with
  > grandma.
  >
  >  SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds,
  flu
  > and even pneumonia.
  >
  >  SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric
  > which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
  >
  >  TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to
  > understand her child's "special needs."
  >
  >  TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
  >
  >  "THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for
  > them.  Also applies to how they talk.
  >
  >  TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"
  >
  >  TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
  >
  >  TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
  >
  >  UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must
  > instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
  >
  >  UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the
  >  wearer will never have an accident.
  >
  >  UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH"
  >
  >  VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find
  it
  > there, too.
  >
  >  VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each
  > morning as par t of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like
  > Daddy."
  >
  >  WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
  >
  >  WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent
  ink
  > markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
  >
  >  "WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime
  and
  > punishment.
  >
  >  XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note
  in
  > a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
  >
  >  XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children
  who
  > show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and
  > over, all day long! See also "DRUMS"
  >
  >  YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell
  kid's
  > outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are
  treasured
  > mementos she can't bear to part with.
  >
  >  "YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was
  changed
  > to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"
  >
  >  ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already
  this
  > week.
  >
  >  ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before
  kids
  > refuse to eat it.
  >
  >