*****Episode 9***** of: _______ _ ____ |~~~~~~~||:| / ~~~\ |:| |:|____ |:|_|:| |:| |:~~~~~| |:~~~/ |:| |:| |:| |:|___ |:| |:| |:| \~~~~| _____ __ __ _____ _______ _____ _____ |~~~~~| /~~\ /~~\ |~~~~~\ |~~~~~~~| |~~~~~\ |~~~~~| |:|__ /:/\:\ /:/\:\ |:|__|:| |:| |:|__|:| |:|__ |:~~~| /:/ \:\ /:/ \:\ |:~~~~/ |:| |:~~~~/ |:~~~| |:| /:/ \:\_/:/ \:\ |:| |:| |:| \:\ |:| |:|___ /:/ \~~~/ \:\ |:| __|:|__ |:| \:\ |:|___ |~~~~~| /:/ \:\ |:| |~~~~~~~| |:| \:\ |~~~~~| THE FOLLOWING IS A SHORT STORY WRITTEN BY UM, IMPERIAL COMMANDO: It was a clear day, as it always is in space, and I was just preparing the eighth issue for my e-mailing list...or was it ninth? Anyhoo, I was busy typing away, when suddenly I feel a VERY strong wind, like... A hurricane. Well, suddenly, all these leaves, and papers blew past me that I didn't even know I HAD in my office, and after a few seconds it stopped. I turned around and saw some old geezer, with a funny looking alien, a younger dude with a little hair braid, and a little boy. I immediately recognized the little boy as a young Darth Vader...Anakin I believe he was called. The funny looking alien was the first to speak. "Oooh, whewas dis? Hoo are yoo? Mesa Jar Jar Binks sa'." "What?" I said annoyed. "Just ignore him... Where are we, and who are you? I'm Quigon Jin" Said the geezer. "I'm Imperial Comm..er..Bob Frankson," I started, "I recognize Darth-Anakin...Skywalker is it? Anakin looked up at the old guy, and with a curious voice said, "How does he know my name?" "Your just a younger Darth Vader. Here, why don't I show you how you'll look in 50 years, ok." I answered. "ok." I walked down the hall, towards Darth Vader's office, with many things flooding my mind, such as, 'how did a little Anakin Skywalker get into this time period', and 'who is this Jar Jar Binks', and 'why wasn't he just written out of this episode?' I finally arrived at Darth Vader's office, and pushed the door open. "No time to talk," I said the instant I saw him, "Just follow me." I waited to see if he heard me, then turned around, and started speedwalking. After all, it's not everyday you see your best friend pop into your office as a little boy. It was a long walk down that short hallway. I was waiting to see if Darth Vader knew anything about this. When we got to the room, I quickly opened the door, and the two Anikans looked at eachother. "THAT is what I'm going to look like in about 50 years? A jedi rebel in a freaky black helmet. Sheesh. "I've got bad news kid. You didn't learn very well on the jedi thing, and you turned to the dark side. "NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" ____ (xXXXX|xx======---(- / | / XX| /xxx XXX| /xxx X | / ________| __ ____/_|_|_______\_ ###|=||________|_________|_ ~~ |==| __ _ __ /|~~~~~~~~~-------------_______ |==| ||(( ||()| | |XXXXXXXX| > __ |==| ~~__~__~~__ \|_________-------------~~~~~~~ ###|=||~~~~~~~~|_______ |" ~~ ~~~~\~|~| /~ \ ~~~~~~~~~ \xxx X | \xxx XXX| \ XX| Incom's T-65B X-wing Space \ | Superiority Starfighter (4) (xXXXX|xx======---(- ~~~~ Phil Powell "Um, be quiet Jar Jar. Now, you say that I will fail the training for being a jedi, and I will turn to the dark side?" Said the little Anakin. "No, I didn't say you failed, I just said that Obi-Wan won't train you very well." "HEY!" Oh, that was the younger guy, I'm guessing that's a young Obi-Wan. "Who says that I'M going to teach him, and even if I were, then I would NOT teach him poorly." I guess it was about that time the emperor walked in, in a James Bond style. "The name's Tine...Palpa Tine" "So THAT'S your first name." Muttered Darth Vader. "Whatever. Anyway, I was called in here on account of a bunch of people from 50 years ago suddnely appearing in here, I believe that would be you, and you." Points to Darth Vader, and me. "Um, close, but not quite. It's those four over THERE." I reply, pointing to young Obi-wan, Quigon, The funny talking alien, and young Anikan. "Say, that one kid looks a bit like Anikan doesn't it?" Said the emperor. "Um, yeah, but that's what he looked like before you met him. And I know you haven't seen pictures of him when he was that old, and you couldn't imagine what he looked like when he was that old, bescause you've never seen him with his helmet off, and...WOAH, YAAAAaaaa...." Said Darth Vader, right before he fell in a large hole. "What was THAT? I may not be very smart but I know that hole wasn't there before." Said the emperor, a bit stunned. "Oh, that happens a lot when I do the writing," I started, "He fell through a plot hole. Specifically, the one of you knowing what Anakin looked like 50 years ago. However falling through a plot hole doesn't always close it up. It might, let me see, yo Palpatine do you still remember what Anakin looked like when he was nine?" I finished. "Nope." He replied. Good, it's closed I thought, but boy was I about to be proven wrong. "WOAH!! AAAAHHHHHHhhhhhh...." The Emperor dissappeared into a plot hole. "Now where did THAT plot hole come from?" I wondered out loud. If I thought strange things were happening five minutes ago, then this was just plain unreal. "I think I know," said the geez..er(ha ha) Quigon, "how did you know that Anakin was nine?" "because that's how he looked fifty years ago, isn't it, and fifty years ago, he would have been nine, right? Oh...Wait...How did I know it was fifty years ago. "Well, there's the plot hole then. Anyway, you never answered my question, where are we." "Well, we're on the Executer, about fifty years ahead of your time, I have no idea how you got here, and we just passed by a wormhole." I replied. Well, it was also about that time when Darth Vader suddenly re-appeared. __________ _.-'| \,._ .-' | | ~'=-. .-' | | | | ___ [] | _______ | [] |___.-----. ||___| || || |___|__(*=/ |_..._____||_______||.._____| \##*----= [__ \__|||__," _/ ((-))______--_____((-)) | I | | I | | | | | || || || || || || || || ____ ((-)) ((-)) | ___\_ -|===|=============|===|---|O___|_ | | | | |____/ /O.O\ /O.O\ `=====' `=====' Imperial AT-AT vs Rebel Alliance -Adam -"^-^"- -"^-^"- Combat Snowspeeder (2) "Well, it's good to have you back, older me, but isn't that where Palpa was standing?" "Hmmm, I guess it is. Say, where is Palpa anyway? Answered Darth. "He fell through a plot hole a little after you did." I said. "Also he..." I was cut off. Palpa Tine had appeared in the spot where Darth Vader fell into a plot hole. Needless to say, things just kept getting weirder and weirder. 'Where will it end?' I wondered. Well, I didn't have long to wonder about where it will end, because about then I looked out the window, and saw some rebel ships that looked like the ones I'd seen pictures of that hadn't been used for fifty some years. "Oh, aren't those ships weird. Now, what were you saying Imperial Commando?" Said the Emperor, obviously not aware of what was going on. "I'm saying I think I know how you freak shows got here." I responded, a little absent mindedly. "HEY!" Said young Obi-Wan, Quigon, and little Anakin. "Um Jar Jar, that includes you." I said "Wha?" "Oops. I mean, That includes yousa." "Oh, HEY dat was wude! You shouldn't tok to peoples like dat!" Said Jar Jar, as offended as he could possibly be...the freak. "Yeah, anyway you guys must have come through the wormhole that we just flew by. It apparently is connected to the point in time and space that you were in. All we have to do to get you back is send you back through it." Said yours truly. "Yes, but I still want to know how when the emperor and I fell into the plot holes, we switched places." Said Darth Vader, who had been pretty quiet the last several minutes. "Um, I don't know...A plot worm hole maybe?" I shrugged. "It happens sometimes you know. I remember back in '91, when-" "That's great Imperial Commando. Please, let's just leave it at that, and find a way to get these morons back to they're time period...Except you Anakin, you're not a moron." Interrupted Darth Vader, who after saying that last part, stood up tall, and proud. I coughed to get everyone's attention. "All right, enough joking around. We have serious business here. How on Dantooine are we going to get these "people" back into the wormhole. Any ideas?" We all thought for several minutes, until someone spoke up. ___ /---\ | @ @:| | " :| \_-_/ _.d._.b.__ +"i\ |\_/| /i"+ [_| \ | | / |_] .' | ):===:( | `. |:.'+-" | | "-+`.:| |_| |-. |_| | |_| \:\ |-' /+\ ! |:| \ \|n._\+/_.n| / / \XT::::-::::T/ / "l-. `"' .-lXX |: \ / :| |: i-i :| |: | | :| LS |: | | :| \|;_ | |__;|/ (__() ()__) SE4 Servant Droid |: | | :| - Front View - "Why don't we eject them in the general direction of the wormhole?" Want to take a vote on who said that? Tine did. Palpa Tine. "Hmm, it coud wok." Jar Jar the *cough* idiot. "Why don't we build a time machine, go back in time to when we were right next to the wormhole, and toss us back there." Said young Obi-Wan the *cough* Rebel. "Why don't we just give them a leaky little escape pod so that they can FLY BACK THROUGH IT YOU THUNDERING MORONS!!!!" Said Darth Vader, sort of saying what I was thinking. But then I got another idea. "Hey Darth Vader, do any of these characters end up killing any of us, or saving one of their own?" "Not to my knowledge, why?" "Well, why don't we just toss them out into space, where they'll freeze to death...Except Anakin of course." "Ok, but they'd probably suffocate, or implode before they freeze to death." Replied Darth Vader. "THHWWWWPPPTTT!!! This is STAR WARS!!!! PHYSICS DON'T APPLY HERE YOU LITTLE.....REBEL!!! I said, trying to talk some sense into Darth Vader. Well, we decided to send them all out into space, except for Anakin. We'd let him fly back through the worm hole with an escape pod. It was just a few seconds too late that I realized my plan wouldn't work. Sure, we'd be launching the Jedis, and Jar Jar into space, but I'd TOTALLY forgotten about the Rebel ships. They'd probably pick them up before anything happened to them. Looking back on it now, I guess it's a good thing that Obi-Wan survived so that he could train Anakin poorly, so that he would turn to the dark side. Why, if those Rebel ships weren't there, my best friend would probably be fighting against me! Although, what does it really matter in the cosmic sense? Probably something that I can't figure out now, but maybe when I'm a little older... Oh forget it, let's get on with the story. So, we threw all the Rebels (except Anakin) out the window, and, like any bad guys would do, closed the blinds, and just sort of assumed that they would die. We kind of have to, it's in the book of "The Rules of Good Guys and bad Guys" by Dr. Evil(check episode three for the first time this book is mentioned. It's on page 4,966, Paragraph 43. It says "Come up with overly ellaborate, easily escapable plan, and DON'T watch. Just ASSUME that they died." Boy I love being the bad guy! Anyhoo, apparently they WERE rescued, but instead of going for Anakin we were attacked. I just held up the book "The Rules of Good Guys, and Bad Guys" and they backed away. "How'd you do that?" Asked Darth Vader. "Simple. We hadn't done anything to them, so if they attacked us, that would make them the bad guys. "Oh, where's that written?" Asked Darth Vader. "Sheeeeeeeesh. Remember about 6 weeks ago, I told you about the book, "The Rules of Good Guys, and Bad Guys" Page 463, paragraph 15. .-"""-. | : : | / ===== \ [ ] "-[#]-" T T () | | ll _ | | _ ll .-| |\_/| |-. ll / |.:::::.| \ lX / <>+:[:]:+<> | /ll |.-Y-+%:::%+-Y-.\ //ll || | |;---;| | \\// ll || | |:::::| | \Y ||_| |:::::| |_ ||#\u(""""")u/# LS ||# :|| :|| :# X'#__|`._.'|__# | :| | :| ADM-12 Patrol Bot | :| | :| - Front View - "Just out of curiosity, how many actual rules are in that 8,000 page book?" Darth Vader asked me. "First of all, it's NOT 8,000 pages. It's 8,003. Also it has just under....****We interrupt this short story to bring you a "special report." "WE STILL NEED MORE VOTES ON WHAT YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN TO BLUE 3(remember, the guy who was left on the battle field with a dissabled ship) SEND ALL VOTES TO imperial_commando@hotmail.com WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDUALED SHORT STORY****......20 "ONLY 20. How did that book get by with over 8,000 pages, and only 19 rules?" "Check it out... REALLY large font." I said, holding up the book, wide open so that Darth Vader could see it. "WOAH, that's a huge font. Anyway, what are your plans about the next attack on the rebels?" "Hehehehe... Wouldn't you like to know. Skywalker, you are a fool. _.-'~~~~~~`-._ / || \ / || \ | || | | _______||_______ | |/ ----- \/ ----- \| / ( ) ( ) \ / \ ----- () ----- / \ / \ /||\ / \ / \ /||||\ / \ / \ /||||||\ / \ /_ \o========o/ _\ `--...__|`-._ _.-'|__...--' | `' | -U ~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? my e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, except the ascii art, (except for the ASCII titles) and the top ten lists. After all, I'M not clever enough to come up with those! To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(I thought I took this part out!): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando