******Episode 8****** of: UnUnUn () UnUnUn () () () () () ()UnUn ()UnUnUn () () () () () () () UnUnU UnUnUnUn ()() ()() UnUnUnUn UnUnUnUnUn UnUnUnUn UnUnUnUn () nUnU UnUn () Un () () Un () () Un Un nU Un () nU () () nU () ()UnUn nU nU Un nU ()UnUnUn () ()UnUnUn ()UnUn () Un Un nU Un () () () nU () () nU () nU () () () Un () UnUnUnUn Un Un () UnUnUnUnUn () nU UnUnUnUn THE FOLLOWING IS THE TRANSCRIPT OF A MEETING BETWEEN DARTH VADER, IMPERIAL COMMANDO, OMEGA LEADER, PHI LEADER, CHI LEADER, PSI LEADER, AND THE EMPEROR: Darth Vader: (shuffling papers)Ok, the meeting has begun. If The Emperor says something completely irrational, then feel free to ignore it. Please keep your limbs inside the meeting, until the meeting has come to a complete stop. Emperor: Ok, first order of buisness, assess how well we beat the rebel scum. Omega Leader: Um, didn't we already answer this during the after-action reports? Imperial Commando: Remember what Darth Vader said... Psi Leader: I'm thirsty... Phi Leader: No, he said, quote "If The Emperor says something completely irrational, then feel free to ignore it." unquote. Psi Leader: I know, but I didn't get any coffee before the meeting, I assumed that there would be some here, which there isn't. There's only doughnuts. __ () __ |::\ || /::\ \:::\.-~~~~~~-./:::/ LS \::/ ()__() \::/ ()===| / \ |===() _`+--/____\--+'_ /::<\.__..__./>::\ /:::::> || <:::::\ /--.::/ || \::.--\ 7GM Maintenance Droid |:::\/ () \/:::| - Front View - `---' `---' Omega Leader:(finishing his doughnut) Not anymore there isn't! Emperor: I'm not hearing any assessing going on... Psi Leader: Um, Darth Vader, may I borrow your light saber for a moment? The Emperor is REALLY annoying me. Darth Vader: No, for the same reason that I've been speaking in code for the last several minutes... There is a rebel among us. One has infiltrated our security, held one of us hostage, and is posing as one of us during this meeting. I will first prove that it isn't me, by finding the rebel who actually IS posing as one of us. Psi Leader:(nervously) Wouldn't finding the person require you first actually proving that you're not the person, so that we could trust you? Darth Vader: No, what I'm saying is that finding someone among us who is the real rebel is proof that I'm not him. How could I prove that someone else is the rebel if I am. Psi Leader: No, but if you use evidence that seems realistic, but is actually not any evidence at all you could be covering up... Darth Vader: Why would I bring this up if I was the rebel, if I wanted to not get noticed, I could very easily just not mention that I am. Psi Leader: But wouldn't this be even greater cover, I mean, if someone else had known that there was a rebel among us, given all the sirens earlier telling us that someone had broken in, wouldn't it be the best cover possible to be the one to bring it up? Darth Vader: But the point is that I'll prove I'm not, by finding the real rebel. Imperial Commando:(checking the records) Um, Psi leader, didn't you enter this base at the same time as all the sirens? Psi Leader: That doesn't mean anything! It was a coincedince! Phi Leader: It could be a coincedince, but we know that someone in here is a rebel, and if you're the only one that entered at that time... Imperial Commando:(still checking records) Psi Leader's right, we all entered the base at the time of the sirens. Darth Vader: You mean... Imperial Commando: Yes, unless I'm mistaken, we're all rebels, infiltrating a supposed Imperial meeting, yet set up by rebels. Psi Leader:(Taking off his mask revealing that he is Luke Skywalker) Well, that's a relief to know. Darth Vader: Ok guys, you know the drill, lock him up. Luke Skywalker: WHAT!?!? You're going to turn in a fellow rebel? Imperial Commando: We're not really rebels, we do this at the beginning of every meeting, just in case... Darth Vader: It doesn't usually turn in a rebel, because you guys very rarely try to listen in on a meeting. Luke Skywalker: AARRRRGGGHHH!!! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS DAD!!!!! Darth Vader: That's nice son... So, how's the girlfriend? Luke Skywalker: SHE'S MY SISTER!!! Darth Vader: Oh, well, that'll happen sometimes. It's best to find out about it now, rather than later. Speaking from experience. Luke Skywalker:(stunned silence) oh. _ \\ \\_ _.-._ X:\ (_/ \_) \::\ ( == ) \::\ \== / /X:::\ .-./`-'\.--. \\/\::\ / / ( l ~\ \::\ / `. L. \/:::| `.' ` /:/\:| ( `. \/`-'`. > ) \ // .-' | /( .' `-..-'_ \ \ __||/_ \ `-' / _ \ # | | # |# | B-SD3 Security Droid LS | # |# | - Front View - Imperial Commando: On that happy note, let's get on with the meeting. Darth Vader: Ok. I plan to talk about the quality of the doughnuts during these kinds of meetings. As good as they are, I don't think crunchy cream doughnuts are all that great, I mean, how the hell does the cream get crunchy? Sometimes I need a hammer and chisel to get through the cream! Omega Leader: Oh, well I was hoping we'd talk about our next battle plan for attacking the rebels, but actually, I've felt the same about the doughnuts. Phi Leader: Yeah Imperial Commando, what IS with the doughnuts? Imperial Commando: Now, now people, we don't HAVE to have doughnuts. But, what's YOUR problem Omega Leader, you ate all the doughnuts except two or three. Omega Leader: No, I didn't, I only ate one. Imperial Commando: But...then, who did? Darth Vader: How about from now on, *I* bring the doughnuts? Let's take a vote, it'll be a private vote so that we don't know who votes what. Everyone take a part of this sheet of paper. We've had a paper shortage, this was all I could smuggle. Phi Leader: THIS little sheet of paper was all you could steal? dang, my 365 day, to day calender has bigger sheets than this. Darth Vader: You want a piece of me? ******5 minutes with no speaking while the votes are cast***** Emperor: Ok, the votes are in. Darth Vader will from now on bring doughnuts. He will not shop for doughnuts at Crunchy Cream inc... and...What the hey! I LIKE those doughnuts from crunchy cream inc. I ate almost ALL of them today! Darth Vader: You may not realize it, my (holds up quotation fingers) "master" but you just explained a lot about todays supply of doughnuts. Imperial Commando: On with the meeting... I thought that there was going to be coffee at this meeting. What's up with that Darth Vader? Phi Leader: Yeah, I was thirsty! Darth Vader: Now, now, people, we don't HAVE to have coffee. Oh...Wait...We...Don't. Oh, all right! I'll bring coffee next time. Omega Leader: I think that that's a little too much work for one person. Also, what if you get sick one day. No coffee, or doughnuts. Imperial Commando: I agree with Omega Leader. How about HE brings the coffee from now on. Phi Leader: I second that. Imperial Commando: Good, it's settled then. |l || || .'`. |==| |==| ___ |==| x88|88x |==| ,8V888|8X8V8b |==| (888888|88X88X) `.=| (8888P~ ~788X88) |=| (888,_ _ 888) .l l____ (88~~~| '~~ 888' |::::::| ~|: :|, | |:__|~~ `.:___ / //,==\ `.`--~ /-.. ( (~)| .-:`----'.' ~~`-. |\ \_| .-~::|\----' `. |:\ `: | | : `--| | | .' | | | | LS | | Leia Organa (Chi Leader storms in, late) Darth Vader: Come on in, sit down. So far we've spent the last half hour deciding who should bring the doughnuts, and coffee. Chi Leader: I know that, I always come in late. Nothing productive happens in the first half hour. Imperial Commando: Um, isn't this meeting supposed to be a half hour? Darth Vader: Yes, it was originally schedualed to be a half hour, but since the emperor is here, try more like half a day. Emperor: That's my name, don't wear it out! Omega Leader: (shaking his head) No, your name is Palpatine. Umm, say, what IS your first name? Imperial Commando: Good question, why don't we answer that next week? Phi Leader: Um, no, I'd rather know now. Imperial Commando: Well, poopie on you then. I'm not saying until next week... Unless you ask me REAL nicely. You as in my readers, not anyone at this table. \|/ // __// -- C3PO's arm(where'd that one come froom?) Darth Vader: Ok, I can wait a week. Next order of buisness, Blue 3... Imperial Commando: I hate to state the obvious, but we never got any votes on what should happen to him. *****We interrupt this meeting to bring you a special report: PLEASE VOTE ON WHAT YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN TO BLUE 3 NOW!!!! Now back to your regularaly schedualed meeting***** Imperial Commando: Dang, I hate it when that happens. But just in case it does, I'll have a backup. A top ten list, like this: ~~~~~~~(Don't even get me started on how crummy this")HUMOR("is)~~~~~~ TOP 10 THINGS *NOT* TO DO IN JABBA'S PALACE 10. Pulling out a thermal detonator 9. Dipping into Jabba's stash 8. Swiping Ree-Yees' gin tankard 7. Calling Saelt-Marae "Joe Camel" 6. Mentioning the words "slimy piece of worm-ridden filth" 5. Saying "Klaatu, Barada, Nikto," and bursting into giggles 4. Giving the Weequays "Coolio-Hair" while they sleep 3. Shoving an apple in a Gamorrean's mouth and announcing a luau 2. Thawing out people in Carbonite shipping blocks 1. Rancor-taunting Imperial Commando: I just said that out loud didn't I. Darth Vader: Yes, you did. Chi Leader: I don't know about you guys, but I'm still wondering where the real Psi Leader is. Omega Leader: They probably did what they always do... Lock him in the broom closet down the hall. Chi Leader: (laughing) Yeah, you'd think the Rebels would've learned by now not to try to infiltrate our meetings. Omega Leader: Maybe they have in a way... Chi Leader: What do you mean? __,.__ / || \ ::::::| .-'`-. |:::::: :::::/.' || `,\::::: ::::/ |`--'`--'| \:::: :::/ \`/++\'/ \::: -Don Omega Leader: Well, our plan at the begining of each meeting only works for one person... What if another one of us in here is a Rebel. Chi Leader:(slaps Omega Leader) Shut UP! You want everyone to know?!? Imperial Commando:(sighing) you know the drill, take them away. Darth Vader: This is getting embarrassing. I'm going to go check the hall closet to see if there are any more of us in there, that would mean that more of us are Rebels. ******Two minute period where no one says anything while Darth Vader checks the hall closet****** Darth Vader: Nope, no more, just Psi Leader, Chi Leader, and Omega Leader. It's good to know that you're an imperial Phi Leader. Phi Leader:(turning red) heh, heh. Imperial Commando: You sure Phi Leader wasn't in there? Darth Vader: yeah. Imperial Commando: Since we're all being honest here, I'll tell you, I'm also a rebel. WOOP, look at the time, I gotta go. Emperor: What's going on here? WOAH, is it 3:00 already? gotta run! Darth Vader: what the hell is going on here?(walks into the hallway) Where are the lights? (lights turn on)Imperial Commando, Psi Leader, Phi Leader, Chi Leader, Omega Leader, and Emperor:::::: SURPRISE!!! Imperial Commando: Happy birthday Darth Vader. I know it's been about 40 years since you celebrated a birthday, but I felt it's time you needed one. Plus, I get cake. Darth Vader: I didn't even know I HAD a birthday Imperial Commando: Well, it's been 40 years... Darth Vader: No, I mean I didn't know George Lucas gave me a birthday. Imperial Commando: To be honest, neither did I, but since things are about to get depressing around here, I felt it best to have something happy to remember in a few weeks, when things turn ugly... .-------------------------------------------------------------------. | ::||8%%%n8%%%%%%::::q|||| ||||| |8 | |8| _|: .c%n. ||||:: |8| | | ::||%%%%/%%%%%%%%::::|||| ||||| |8 | |8!%%|:,%%%%%::|||| %%%::. | | ::||%%%f%%%%%%%%%%:::|||| ||||: |%%.! |/%%%|/%%%%%%::|||: %%%%::.| | ::||%%j%%%%%%%%%%%%::|||| ||||: |%%::t/%%%%/%%%%%%%::|||: %%%%%::| | |||:: \::::: _ |||| ||||| |: / \ ./%%%%%%%%%:|||: ::. _ | |:::||::: \::::: f l/|||| ||||| |=======\t \:;-;::. |||: :::.T|/| ||||||====Y::::::__|_Y |||| |=================\t t:::..|||: =======| ||::||oooooo===========|||: |==========================|||: :ooooooo| | ::|| ,================goooooooooooooooooooooooooo||||::/ ||\ | | |||| ,===============goo8|| // |qOdoU| \\ |/ ||||:: |: \ | |======================8 \\| / | gcoU| |\\ // 8||||::eo| | |oooo=============;=g8\\| |\ |douUP||| |: / | ||||:: | | |:||=============/=8 |d\\ || |/ o |||| |: | ||||::._| | | |=============/=8| |C|| || | dOp|||| |: | ||||:: | | |:=============/|8 | | | ||| | oC8Po| |: | |||: : || | |=============/=8 || ds||| |||: :|C8UvCO |: | |||: : | | |============/|8 |||djM|| ||||: |_c\|88b |:: | |||: : || LS| |===========/=8 |Cgg| ||||| | ||/ |:: | |||: : | | `-------------------------------------------------------------------' The Ewok Village ~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? my e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 1999 Imperial Commando, except the ascii art, (except for the ASCII titles) and the top ten lists. After all, I'M not clever enough to come up with those! To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(How'd this get here?): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando