*****Episode 7***** Of: @@@@@@@ ! @@@@ ! ! ! ! ! @ @ @ @@@@ ! ! ! @ ! ! ! @@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ !@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ !@@@@@ @@@@@@ ! !@ !@ ! @ ! ! @ ! ! @ @ @ @ ! @ ! ! @ ! !@@@@ @ @ @ @ !@@@@@ ! !@@@@@ !@@@@ ! @ @ @ @ ! ! ! @ ! ! @ ! @ ! ! ! @ ! @@@@@@ @ @ ! @@@@@@@@@ ! @ @@@@@@ (~~Note to readers: Those of you who are recieving this as your first issue, it may help to read the last issue before this one. If you'd like to read it, go to: www.egroups.com/group/the-empire/7.html? ~~) _ \\ \\_ _.-._ X:\ (_/ \_) \::\ ( == ) \::\ \== / /X:::\ .-./`-'\.--. \\/\::\ / / ( l ~\ \::\ / `. L. \/:::| `.' ` /:/\:| ( `. \/`-'`. > ) \ // .-' | /( .' `-..-'_ \ \ __||/_ \ `-' / _ \ # | | # |# | B-SD3 Security Droid LS | # |# | - Front View - ---AFTER-ACTION REPORTS--- -----------QUESTION: |OMEGA SQUADRON | BBLUE SQUADRON | ALPHA SQUADRON| READERS | | | | Did your ships |no, techically |yes, nine ships| Whut's damaje?|(don't take any damage? |Omega 2 blew up|were blown up, | | vote) |before it was |all the ships | | | damaged |got disabled, | | | |and Blue Three | | | |got scratched | | | | paint. | | ---------------------|---------------|----------------|---------------|-------- |1 |Hmm, let me |Yeah, we acted | Did your squadron | |think about |casual, why? |(don't Take any casualties? | |this...um..9 | | vote) | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | ---------------------|---------------|----------------|---------------|-------- |Yeah, we killed|Well, Blue 12 |Yeah, we | Did you make any |two Alpha |THOUGHT he took|killed some |(don't Kills? |Squadron guys |out Phi Leader,|Bloo Squadron | vote... |and 12 Orange |does that |guys. | please) |Squadron guys. |count? By the | | | |way, he killed | | | |7 Alpha pilots.| | ---------------------|---------------|----------------|---------------|-------- |Well, judging |Well, we need |no, I don't |Vote on Do you think that |by the number |to penalize the|think we ONE |who you your side WON this |of kills on |Imperials for |the battle, I |think battle? |each side |having too many|"think" we |won the |comparatively, |ugly pilots. So|Two'd the |battle. |yes. |in that case, |battle though | | |WE won. Hmph! | | ---------------------|---------------|----------------|---------------|-------- |Well, we |They deserve a |Whut's an | On a scale of 1-10, |probably could |3, because they|Omega Squadron?|(don't rate Omega Squadron. |have done a |blew up some of| | vote) |little better, |Alpha Squadron,| | |but we didn't |and wasted some| | |do bad, so a 9 |concussion | | | |missiles. Hmph!| | ---------------------|---------------|----------------|---------------|-------- |Well, Blue 12 |Surprise is a |Whut's a | On a scale of 1-10, |DID surpise |GOOD strategy |Bloo Squadron? |(don't rate Blue Squadron. |Phi Leader, but|Mr. cocky Omega| | vote) |other than |Squadron, we | | |that, Blue 12 |deserve an 8! | | |did ok(killing | | | |7 alphas). 5 | | | ---------------------|---------------|----------------|---------------|-------- |-100 |-101 |102 | On a scale of 1-10, | | | | rate Alpha Squadron | | | | (negative numbers are| | | |VOTE!!! acceptable) | | | | | | | | | | | | ---------------------|---------------|----------------|---------------|-------- |More concussion|Anti-Phi |A manual that | What equipment would |missiles...LOTS|Squadron spray |explains how to|(don't you like for the next|more. | |shoot those | vote) battle? | | |fancy guns. | | | |And it has to | | | |be in English | | | |this time! | ---------------------|---------------|----------------|---------------|-------- |I think we'll |I think we'll|Whut's a | What do you think |capture him, |rescue him, |Bloo Three? | will happen to |or he'll die. |or he'll die. | |PLEASE Blue Three? | | | |VOTE!!!! | | | | | | | | | | | | ---------------------|---------------|----------------|---------------|-------- |They'd better! |I certainly |I vote yes | Do you think the | |hope so. | | readers will vote on | | | |VOTE!!!! that last question | | | |(just | | | |kidding) | | | | | | | | ---------------------|---------------|----------------|---------------|-------- |We will, |We will, we |ummm...no? | Who do you think will|obviously... |were taking it |stop using big | win the next battle? |Right Imperial |REALLY easy on |words!!! |VOTE!!!! |Commando? |the Imperials, | | | |last time. | | | | | | | | | | ---------------------|---------------|----------------|---------------|-------- |It was great...|It was great...|Party... There | How was the New |We celebrated |We celebrated |was a party?!?!| Year's party? |the new year |new year's with|How come WE |(don't |with the usual |the usual |weren't | vote) |popping of |popping Tie |invited?!?! | |X-Wings, and |Defenders, and | | |A-Wings. |Tie Advanced. | | ---------------------|---------------|----------------|---------------|-------- |Because....uh..|because...uh...|Because WE were|VOTE!!!! Why wasn't *I* |....We didn't |We..uh..DID |in charge of |I'll invited to it? |think you were |send you an |the invitations|publish |Y2K compliant. |invitation, |but WE weren't |the | |but, the |invited... |funniest | |mailman wasn't | |response | |Y2K compliant! | |. ---------------------|---------------|----------------|---------------|-------- (Boy New Year's was fun! I woke up at 4:00 AM, to watch midnight hit in Kiribosk. I counted down starting from 10...9...8...7...6...etc. Then I watched New Zealand, then the Chatham Islands, then Sydney Australia, which had the best fireworks display of all the countries I've seen this year. I've been making confetti all year(I made almost a pound of it!), and when midnight hit where I was, I tossed it all up into the air... I was cleaning it up for hours. Not the BEST way to start the new millenium, but I looked on the bright side...the new millenium doesn't start for another year!) HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY READERS AND THANK YOU!!! () [] || || .'`. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | _ / \ _ | |~|____.| |/ \| |.____|~| | | `-`-._ _.-'-' Incom's T-65B X-wing Space `-. _.-' Superiority Starfighter (5) ||\________/|| LS `' `' ___ / | / =| / =`. / | <_______| __,.----'__`+ '------:_____] LS Sienar Fleet Systems' _|_ Lambda-class Imperial Shuttle (1) (The following is just a story I wrote several years ago) Bob Skywalker (A New Dope) Well, I guess you know the story of Luke Skywalker, but you've probably never heard of his younger brother, Bob Skywalker. Bob was born two years after Luke and could never quite live up to his brother. Bob was a forgetful and forgettable fellow. He was raised on a farm by his aunt and uncle. Bob had short black hair, and little beady black-brown eyes. He was a little on the chubby side, but otherwise, not at all different from Luke. Bob tried to be like Luke though. Bob saw Luke helping out during harvest season, so Bob wanted to help. Bob noticed that Luke would pull things out of the plants, so Bob pulled the leaves out of the plants, and put them in the basket that Luke, and his uncle would put the crops in... Luke got grounded for a month. Bob saw that Luke could drive a speeder, so Bob tried to learn. Bob got in the speeder, parked in a flimsy garage, that shook when you bumped into it, and say the letters F/R. Needless to say, Bob didn't understand what they meant. Maybe... Fast, and Really fast? Or so Bob thought. He went "Really Fast" and... Well... Luke got grounded for another month and had to pay for the garage. Bob enjoyed having fun at other people's expense. When Luke got grounded, Bob, had himself a good chuckle. When Luke lost his wallet in the speeder while going at high speed, Bob Laughed. When the sand people attacked Luke, who was trying to rescue R2D2, Bob fell over in hysterical fits of laughter, until he saw another figure approach. "Hello there" Said Obi-Wan. "Hello friend" Said Bob, trying to be friendly. "I'm not talking to you Bob. Yes, I know your name; I'm not sure how though. Must be a plot flaw." "Oh. Sorry, what's your name?" Asked Bob "Obi-Wan Kanobi" "O-Ohio-Ohio Cathy?" "Never mind. Will you help me load these droids into the speeder?" "Why? You can use mine at home. They're Paper Mache." Said Bob calmly with the wind blowing sand around his feet, causing little tan clouds. "UUUUHHHH, how about you wake up Luke, and we'll load the droids into the speeder." Said Obi-Wan. A little known fact is that Luke was really knocked out by the sand person that attacked him, and Bob revived him, by telling him that Bob had taken over the galaxy. Luke woke up screaming. Later, when Obi-Wan, Luke, Bob, and the droids were on their way to find a pilot, an interesting situation occurred. "Hold it! Hold it!" Said a stern-sounding storm trooper. "We aren't the ones you're looking for." Obi-Wan said as he waved his hand in front of him. "Huh? What do you mean?" Bob, of course. "They aren't the ones we're looking for." Said the storm trooper to the identically costumed storm trooper right next to him. "These aren't the droids you're looking for." Voice unchanging, hand waving, Obi-Wan. "These aren't the droids we're looking for." "What! Yes they a-YOWCH!!! What was that for Luke?" "Shut up ok. Just stay quiet next time." Said Luke through gritted teeth, looking in front of the speeder, and not at Bob, while trying to maintain a smile. When Obi-Wan, Bob, and Luke met Han Solo, Han was in the middle of checking his e-mail. So, they went to find someone else, and ALMOST paid Bobafett to fly them to Alderaan. Fortunately, Han remembered Bob, so Han logged off the Internet, and called them over. After the long Haggling conversation that went like this: "20,000" Said Han. "15,000" Said Obi-Wan "17,500" "16,000" Obi-wan "16,500" Han "14,000" "15,000" Han "13,500" "25,000" "23,000" "Ok" "D'OH!!" Said Obi-Wan. Han agreed to take Luke, Bob, and Obi-Wan to Alderaan. They all filed into the Millenium Blue Jay, and as Han was accelerating to light speed…CRASH! Bob bounced off the back of the ship, nearly busting a hole in it. "Bob, what on Dantooine are you DOING?!" Asked an annoyed Luke. "I was just sitting here, minding my own business, when suddenly inertia comes in..." "Enough! This is an illogical Fiction movie. We can accelerate, and decelerate as fast as we want, without wimpy seatbelts." Said Luke, face turning red, evidently, a bit annoyed. His fingers were curled into a fist, but he fought to keep them down at his side. "Oh, sorry, forgot about that." Said Bob, noticing Luke. After a little ride through hyperspace, the millenium Blue Jay appeared in the middle of an asteroid field. There seemed to be no Alderaan. It turns out, however, that they jumped out of hyperspace to the wrong side of the Galaxy. Alderaan is safely on the other side of the Galaxy. Well, they obviously can't make the jump to light speed in the asteroid field, so naturally, they safely navigate out of it. By the time they do get out, they see in front of them the Death Star. Meanwhile, back in the Death Star, some bozo accidentally flips a switch, labeled: Self-destruct. Luke, Han, Chewie, and Bob don't really want to go near it. Well, actually, Bob does. But anyway, on the radio, the emperor agreed to pay them $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 if they land on it, so they do. While they were sort of "sneaking" in, Bob, not wanting to be rude, shouts loud enough for the whole Death Star to hear: "HELLO! ANYBODY HOME?" Then Luke casually, as if he was used to doing so, stuffed Bob in the nearest escape pod, and then Luke, Obi-Wan, Han, and Chewie go off to seek their reward. They had a classic adventure running from storm troopers. First they would see a storm trooper. The storm trooper would see the large group of people standing in front of him, then run to go find back up. Luke, Obi-Wan, Chewie, and Han, thinking that the storm trooper will lead them to the emperor. When the round a corner, following the running storm trooper, they would see a huge group of white-costumed storm troopers take aim at them. Every black visor in the room, every blaster in the room, every white-costumed storm trooper would be pointing at Luke, Obi-Wan, Han, and Chewie. They would very quickly turn around, and speed off the direction they came, and then see another storm trooper. Finally, they met up with Light Vader. Obi-Wan apparently didn't read the script very carefully, so he thought that Light Vader was the bad guy. So Luke, Han, and Chewie stood back, as Obi-Wan pulled out his light saber, and attacked Vader. Fortunately, Obi-Wan has been getting awfully slow in his old age, so Light Vader saw Obi-Wan coming, took out his Dark Saber, and replaced the old Duracel batteries, with the new long-lasting energizer batteries. As Light Vader hooked right to stop Obi-Wan's dark saber, a loud annoying voice sounded over the Death Star's PA system. "And Light Vader hooks a right! Obi-Wan is dazed... He's UP! He's running to Vader again... Swings... VADER MAKES AN EXCELLENT BLOCK. Obi-Wan is still disoriented... Oh! Vader is getting ready to swing... Swings... AND MISSES. Due to Einstein's theory that space is curved, Vader's dark saber appeared 10 feet away from Obi-Wan! Obi-Wan is UP!!" Luke had a nagging suspicion. He looks around, and sees his brother in the corner holding a little microphone. Luke sighs, but doesn't bother to do anything about his brother. "Obi-Wan is charging light Vader... A NICE block by Vader! Obi-Wan is swinging at Vader again... and again... and again... Vader is blocking. I don't know how much longer this can last. Suddenly Obi-Wan sings to the left! Another block by Light Vader! Obi-Wan swings over his head... ANOTHER great block by Vader. Obi-Wan may have to give in real soon. Obi-Wan is attacking with the momentum of a swing that turned his whole body around... Vader takes advantage of the short time that Obi-Wan is vulnerable. Strikes!!! OBI-WAN IS DOWN! OBI-WAN IS DOWN. Vader Strikes, and it's all over!" Vader put away his Dark Saber, walked over to Luke, Han, and Chewie, and told them to leave, and take him with them. Naturally, since Light Vader is the good guy, they accept. They started leaving, when Bob ran after the Millenium Blue Jay. Bob jumped, and was just barely hanging on to the back of the ship, when Han suddenly decelerated,, and because of inertia, Bob went crashing through the back window. The air started rushing out, because of the vacuum of space, but one glare from Luke sent all the air back in the millenium Blue Jay. He even used the force to patch up the hole in the ship. That's about when Light Vader spoke up. "Some Bozo on the Death Star "bumped" the self destruct switch, so I don't want to be there in three minutes. After Light Vader said that, there was a long silence. Bob was the first to Speak up. "I have an idea, why don't we make up some elaborate story about how we blew up the Death Star." Asked Bob with a questioning, suggestive tone, that practically screamed 'HINT HINT'. Everyone stared at him. Luke was the first to speak. "You know Bob, that may be the first good idea you've had in your life." Said Luke, impressed. Over the years, they added enough more adventure for two more movies. When Luke called George Lucas about the movie rights, they agreed to leave out Bob, elaborate on the destruction of the first Death Star, make up two more movies, and make Light Vader the bad guy. Except for a few more minor changes, that was it. Over the years, most of the characters have passed away. Only Bob remains living, and knows the truth. You may be interested to know, that Bob finally did achieve his life-long (sort of) dream to be better than Luke. They both published books on how to make Paper Mache droids, and no one heard of Luke's, but Bob's was a bestseller for 49 weeks on Dantooine and Tatooine. For a while, people have believed the George Lucas version of the Star Wars trilogy, but I think it's time the truth was known. Before I finish this little piece of writing, I will take time to answer the one question that's on the reader's mind. If only Bob Skywalker is still alive, and knows the true story, who am I? Take your best guess... -Bob Skywalker Star Date: 3.14159265358979323846243 Comments? Questions? my e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 1999 Imperial Commando, except the ascii art, and the top ten lists. After all, I'M not clever enough to come up with those! To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(Do I need to include this?): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com I also recomend subscribing to Sci-Fi Network To subscribe: scifinetwork-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(hey, your loss): scifinetwork-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando