******Episode 46****** of..... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_______OO_OOOO_OOO_____OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO|~~~~~~~||:|OO|:|O| ~~~~|OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO|:|OOO|:|__|:|O|:|__OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO|:|OOO|:~~~~:|O|:~~~|OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO|:|OOO|:|OO|:|O|:|___OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO|:|OOO|:|OO|:|O|~~~~~|OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO_____OOOOOOOO__OOOOOOOOO__OOOOOOOO_____OOO_______OOO_____OOOOO_____OO O|~~~~~|OOOOOO/~~\OOOOOOO/~~\OOOOOO|~~~~~\O|~~~~~~~|O|~~~~~\OOO|~~~~~|O O|:|__OOOOOOO/:/\:\OOOOO/:/\:\OOOOO|:|__|:|OOO|:|OOOO|:|__|:|OO|:|__OOO O|:~~~|OOOOO/:/OO\:\OOO/:/OO\:\OOOO|:~~~~/OOOO|:|OOOO|:~~~~/OOO|:~~~|OO O|:|OOOOOOO/:/OOOO\:\_/:/OOOO\:\OOO|:|OOOOOOOO|:|OOOO|:|O\:\OOO|:|OOOOO O|:|___OOO/:/OOOOOO\~~~/OOOOOO\:\OO|:|OOOOOO__|:|__OO|:|OO\:\OO|:|___OO O|~~~~~|O/:/OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO\:\O|:|OOOOO|~~~~~~~|O|:|OOO\:\O|~~~~~|O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Hunter: Hello, and welcome to... Hunting Small Woodland Creatures!!! I'm your host, Bob Hunter! Today we will demonstrate the best way to hunt rabbits with an M-16 with the M-203 grenade launcher attachment. First you- (at Imperial Commando's personal Super Star Destroyer) Darth Vader: Will you turn off that TV, I'm trying to, uh..... Imperial Commando: What are you doing here? Darth Vader: That's a good question. A good question indeed. Yup, sure is. Imperial Commando: Uh huh... (shouting) SECURITY! Security Guard #1: (walking in) What's the trouble, Lord Commando? Darth Vader: Hey Guard #1! Security Guard #1: Hey Darth. I guess I'm kicking you out again, huh? Darth Vader: Yup. Hunter: (On the TV) And just LOOK at those cute little ears perk up a split second before they're annihilated! Imperial Commando: Well, what are you waiting for? Security Guard #1: Oh, I haven't seen this episode yet. Mind if I stay? Imperial Commando: Yes (shouting) SECURITY! Security Guard #2: (walking in) What'd Darth do this time? Imperial Commando: Nothing, just get Guard #1 out of here... and make sure he brings Darth with him. Security Guard #2: All right. Hunter: (on the TV, of course) And this little chunk that has landed on my shoulder is what is known in the medical profession, as a right ventrical. Security Guard #2: Hang on, this looks like a good episode. Imperial Commando: (sighs) I hate days that start out like this. hmm... (shouting) SWAT team! Swat Dude #1: All right, where's Darth? Imperial Commando: Um... I'm not sure exactly, but would you like to watch Hunting Small Woodland Creatures? Swat Dude #1: Is it a re-run? Imperial Commando: Um... Darth Vader: (on the TV) Hey Bob! Bob Hunter: (Also on the TV) Um... hi....... Imperial Commando: What the hell...? Paul the Spy: Hey, Imperial Commando! You've gotta see this! Darth Vader is on Hunting Small Woodland Creatures with Bob Hunter!!! Imperial Commando: Boy is THIS one doozy of a way to begin an issue... Yes Paul, I know. Darth Vader: (on TV) Can I have your autograph? Security Guard #1: Hehe, that Darth! He's quite a character, isn't he? Hehe! Imperial Commando: Hmmm.... I just got an idea. Call Darth. (everyone stares at Imperial Commando, blinking) Imperial Commando: Nevermind, I'll go there myself. Bob Hunter: (on TV) Would you like to guest star as a small woodland creature? Darth Vader: No thanks. Imperial Commando: Cool, I got here fast. Hey Bob? Bob Hunter: Yeah? Imperial Commando: Can I have some of those weapons when you get done? Bob Hunter: I don't see why not. Imperial Commando: Good. So when will you be done? Bob Hunter: Right now, if I won the lottery. Quick, change it to whatever channel is showing the lottery!!! Lottery Guy: The winning numbers are 23, 23, 23, 23, 23, 23, and 23 Bob Hunter: Dang, so close. Imperial Commando: What'd you have? Bob Hunter: 12, 90, 41, 50, 1, 77, and 29. Imperial Commando: Oh. If only you'd changed the first seven numbers to 23. Darn. Bob Hunter: So... how have you been? Imperial Commando: I'd rather not talk about it. Bob Hunter: Ok. Well, I have to get back to my show. (looking at the camera) Now, some people would say that the best way to nuke a squirrel would be- Imperial Commando: Right, I'm getting out of-. KK KK A BBBBBB OOOO OOOO MMMM MMMM !! !! KK KK AAA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KK KK AA AA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KKK AA AA ---- BBBBBB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KKK AAAAAAAAA ---- BBBBBB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KK KK AAAAAAAAA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MMM MM !! !! KK KK AA AA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM KK KK AA AA BBBBBB OOOO OOOO MM MM !! !! (TV goes to static, then shows "Technical problems, please stand by") Admiral Bob IV: Nice NUKE... uh... nevermind. Security Guard #1: Dang, not AGAIN! Swat Dude #1: There goes the 7th Bob Hunter. I wonder if the 8th will live longer? Security Guard #2: Lets make a pool again. 100 credits. I say he lasts 3 days. Swat dude #1: 2 weeks. Security guard #1: 30 days. *****Meanwhile at rebel HQ****** (TSSSEEEEWWWW)(TSSSEEEEWWWW) (TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW) (TSSSEEEEWWWW)(TSSSEEEEWWWW) (BOOM!) Blue Leader: Die, Omega 4! Blue Squadron, cover me! (TSEW)(TSEW)(TS-BOOM!) Blue 3: I've got y-TSEW I'M HI-TSEW (BOOM!) Blue Leader: Blue 3! (TSSEEEWWWW!) Is anyone left? (TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW) (TSSSEEEEWWWW) (TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW) Blue Leader: ANYONE? (TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW)(TSEW)(BOOM!) Announcer: YOU HAVE LOST THE MATCH. Blue Leader: (*&^%$#@~!) Blue 9: Not again. Announcer: YOU ARE NOW 2 AND 31. Blue 2: (sighs) Wedge: You really should try an easier difficulty setting... Blue Leader: We need the practice. Wedge: But with 1 squadron broken down Z-95s? And against all of the Empire's finest? Even *I* would get killed. Take some time off from the simulator... your taking this too personally. Paul the Spy: (Runs in) Imperial Commando, Darth Vader, and the 7th Bob Hunter have been killed. (The entire base -- all 300 people applaude) Imperial Commando: (walking in) What's up guys? (the entire base stares at Imperial Commando) Imperial Commando: What? Paul the Spy: But.. how'd but.. How'd you survive? Imperial Commando: Oh THAT. Well once I got my nukes, I got outta there. The experts said that today he would probably die. Blue Leader: (whispering to Blue 2) Speaking of that, you owe me 50 credits. Imperial Commando: Anyway, here's the part that you'll remember for the REST of your LIVES- The 8th Bob Hunter: (on TV) Right. I wasn't supposed to be here until tomorrow, but anyway... As he demonstrated, that is the INCORRECT way to set off a nuke. The correct way is to- KK KK A BBBBBB OOOO OOOO MMMM MMMM !! !! KK KK AAA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KK KK AA AA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KKK AA AA ---- BBBBBB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KKK AAAAAAAAA ---- BBBBBB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KK KK AAAAAAAAA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MMM MM !! !! KK KK AA AA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM KK KK AA AA BBBBBB OOOO OOOO MM MM !! !! Swat dude #1: Damn. Security Guard #2: I'm the closest. ~~MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE...~~ Charlie: I found the golden ticket! I found the golden ticket! ~~AND BACK TO WHERE THE "HEROES" ARE~~ Luke: Joe, I am your father. Joe Skywalker: YOU'RE NOT MY MOMMY, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! Luke: Gosh, now I know how MY dad felt. I really should've joined him. In fact, I'd call him right now, but I'm short of change. Some Guy: That's okay, just dial 1-800-COLLECT. It'll save you at LEAST a buck or two. Luke: Wow, 1-800-COLLECT really IS- Some Other Guy: NO! Dial 1-800-CALL-ATT! Luke: Uh... Some Guy: You've got some nerve showing up here again after what YOU pulled. Luke: Where have I heard that before..... Some Third Guy: Just dial 10-10-220 For all calls up to 20 minutes just 99 cents. Luke: Gee- Some Third Guy: And just 7 cents a minute after that! Luke: Of all the times to not have a nuke handy... Imperial Commando: Did I hear someone say... Nuke? Luke: Hey. Imperial Commando: I've got tons of 'em. (tosses Luke a suitcase). And be careful where you set them off. Luke: Hey, did you hear what happened to the seventh Bob Hunter? Imperial Commando: Yes. I was there. Luke: oh. okay. Hey wait! Can I join the Imperials? Imperial Commando: Gosh, we've never done such a major character change before but.. oh what the hell. Sure. Luke: Great thanks. Hey Joe? Joe Skywalker: What! Luke: Join me and together we shall rule- I mean, um.. want to.. uh.. get some ice cream? Joe Skywalker: Ooh! Can we go to Imperial Commando's ice cream shop? Luke: Ice cream shop? Imperial Commando: I bought one two weeks ago. I'd rather not talk about it. Luke: Why? Imperial Commando: I sold it that same day. Luke: Oh. Sure Joe! Joe Skywalker: Yippy! Imperial Commando: I'll.. uh.. see you around, I guess. Luke: Yeah, later. ~~AND THEN, SOMEWHERE~~ Bridgekeeper: HALT! Who approacheth the bridge of death must answer me these questions three... ~~AND IN THE 'REAL' WORLD~~ Darth Vader: Hey Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: Darth...? Weren't you killed in the explosion? Darth Vader: Nope! A dolphin came and rescued me! Imperial Commando: Uh.... On land? Darth Vader: Yeah. Why? Imperial Commando: Riiiight. Darth Vader: Then it taught me how to fly. Imperial Commando: I know where this is going. Darth Vader: And I got really high. Imperial Commando: Just as long as you don't start singing- Darth Vader: (to "I believe I can Fly) I can't believe I'm this high! Imperial Commando: Don't make me use this other nuke. Darth Vader: Okay, I'll shut up. Dolphin: Hey guys! Imperial Commando: Holy Sh*t! Dolphin: Hmm, haven't seen any of that lately... Darth Vader: Hehe, Dolphin! You sure are funny! Dolphin: you know I'm the only living dolphin who can talk? KK KK A BBBBBB OOOO OOOO MMMM MMMM !! !! KK KK AAA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KK KK AA AA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KKK AA AA ---- BBBBBB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KKK AAAAAAAAA ---- BBBBBB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KK KK AAAAAAAAA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MMM MM !! !! KK KK AA AA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM KK KK AA AA BBBBBB OOOO OOOO MM MM !! !! Admiral Bob IV: Nice NUKE, Imperial Commando! Darth Vader: WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? Imperial Commando: Finger slipped. I meant to press the Pizza delivery button. That sucks, I really shouldn't have those two buttons so close together. Darth Vader: THE ONLY LIVING DOLPHIN!! Imperial Commando: I wouldn't classify him as "living" exactly. Darth Vader: What's the largest piece of him you can see? Imperial Commando: Nothing. A whole lot of nothing. Wow, that Dolphin really could have benifited science. This sucks. Guinness Guy: I'm here about the talking Dolphin... Imperial Commando: Too late. Guinness Guy: Wha-? Imperial Commando: I kinda, sorta, accidentally... nuked him. Guinness Guy: Oh. Again? Imperial Commando: Shut up! Darth Vader: Weren't you going to get a pizza though? Imperial Commando: Sure, let's eat in memory of that dolphin... (on the phone) I'd like a large pizza... extra tuna. Guinness Guy: Great, now what am I going to do? Imperial Commando: Be a TIE Fighter pilot? Guinness Guy: Wow, there's an opening? Imperial Commando: Yeah. There always is in Alpha Squadron. Jar Jar Binks: Not with meesah leading- KK KK A BBBBBB OOOO OOOO MMMM MMMM !! !! KK KK AAA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KK KK AA AA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KKK AA AA ---- BBBBBB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KKK AAAAAAAAA ---- BBBBBB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! !! KK KK AAAAAAAAA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MMM MM !! !! KK KK AA AA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM KK KK AA AA BBBBBB OOOO OOOO MM MM !! !! Imperial Commando: Problem solved. Admiral Bob IV: Nice nuke, Imperial Commando. Darth Vader: Where's Admiral Bob III THIS week? So far he's had Anthrax, Ebola, E-Coli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, AIDS, Smallpox, Rabies, The Bends, Malaria, Lead Poisoning, Black Python Snake Bite, Radiation Sickness, Tetnus, Pig Latin Overdose, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, pnemonia-itis, Admiral Bob III-itis, food poisoning, and Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilacolevolcanoconiosis. Admiral Bob IV: Right, well this week he has heat stroke. Imperial Commando: Ack. How'd he get THAT? Admiral Bob IV: Well, he was just showing some friends around the surface of the sun, when all of a sudden... wham! Darth Vader: It was probably completely unexpected right? Admiral Bob IV: Yeah. Darth Vader: So I guess he's not going to be here this week... Say, Imperial Commando, when WAS the last time he was here for an entire episode? Imperial Commando: Episode 20. Darth Vader: He's been absent for more than HALF the time this show has been around! Imperial Commando: So? Darth Vader: Think you should fire him? Imperial Commando: What? Why? Darth Vader: Nevermind. Hey look, a piece of Jar Jar's ear! Jar Jar's Ear: OWSA! You don't have to shout! Darth Vader: EW! Luke: Hey guys! Darth Vader: Get out of here you stupid Rebel! Paul the Spy: Imperial Commando! Luke Skywalker is- Oh. Guess I shouldn't havs stopped for that haircut. Imperial Commando: It's okay guys, he's an Imperial now. Luke: Dad, it's me! Darth Vader: Um.. Great... Where's your sister? Luke: Beats me. Darth Vader: Well if you see her, be sure to talk some sense into her. Imperial Commando: Yeah, we've only got ONE Imperial chick right now. Darth Vader: Who's that? Imperial Commando: The baby in My son's chicken farm. (SMACK!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Erg. What was that for, Darth? Darth Vader: Oops, sorry. (SMACK!!!) Imperial Commando: Ow. Darth Vader: I hate puns. Imperial Commando: Then don't talk to my brother. Darth Vader: Speaking of your brother, can I kill him? Imperial Commando: Sure. That's all the time we have for today folks, tune in next September for season three of... _______ _ ____ |~~~~~~~||:| / ~~~\ |:| |:|____ |:|_|:| |:| |:~~~~~| |:~~~/ |:| |:| |:| |:|___ |:| |:| |:| \~~~~| _____ __ __ _____ _______ _____ _____ |~~~~~| /~~\ /~~\ |~~~~~\ |~~~~~~~| |~~~~~\ |~~~~~| |:|__ /:/\:\ /:/\:\ |:|__|:| |:| |:|__|:| |:|__ |:~~~| /:/ \:\ /:/ \:\ |:~~~~/ |:| |:~~~~/ |:~~~| |:| /:/ \:\_/:/ \:\ |:| |:| |:| \:\ |:| |:|___ /:/ \~~~/ \:\ |:| __|:|__ |:| \:\ |:|___ |~~~~~| /:/ \:\ |:| |~~~~~~~| |:| \:\ |~~~~~| The 9th Bob Hunter: As you can see here, overuse of nuclear weapons can cause the squirrels to get mighty fiesty. The easiest way to remedy that is to- HWAUGH! Radioactive Squirrel: DIE DIE DIE!!! ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise. Everything on here is © 2001 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UNsubscribe (please explaine why): the-empire-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com -Imperial Commando