******Episode 45****** of..... ####################################################################### ####################_______##_####_###_____############################ ###################|~~~~~~~||:|##|:|#| ~~~~|########################### ######################|:|###|:|__|:|#|:|__############################# ######################|:|###|:~~~~:|#|:~~~|############################ ######################|:|###|:|##|:|#|:|___############################ ######################|:|###|:|##|:|#|~~~~~|########################### ##_____########__#########__########_____###_______###_____#####_____## #|~~~~~|######/~~\#######/~~\######|~~~~~\#|~~~~~~~|#|~~~~~\###|~~~~~|# #|:|__#######/:/\:\#####/:/\:\#####|:|__|:|###|:|####|:|__|:|##|:|__### #|:~~~|#####/:/##\:\###/:/##\:\####|:~~~~/####|:|####|:~~~~/###|:~~~|## #|:|#######/:/####\:\_/:/####\:\###|:|########|:|####|:|#\:\###|:|##### #|:|___###/:/######\~~~/######\:\##|:|######__|:|__##|:|##\:\##|:|___## #|~~~~~|#/:/###################\:\#|:|#####|~~~~~~~|#|:|###\:\#|~~~~~|# ####################################################################### ####################################################################### Darth Vader: Hey, Imperial Commando... Remember that time you bought an ice cream store? Imperial Commando: Shut up. (RING! RING!) Imperial Commando: Yes? Blue Leader: (Over the phone) Hey, Imperial Commando... Remember that time you bought an ice cream store? Imperial Commando: NO!!! Blue Leader: Okay. Darth Vader: So... Imperial Commando... Imperial Commando: Let's make Jar Jar a TIE Fighter pilot. Darth Vader: We already did that. Paul the Spy: How 'bout we make the Emperor a high school principal... Imperial Commando: It's just crazy enough to work! Darth Vader: To work for what? Imperial Commando: To keep the readers entertained for a week. Darth Vader: A WEEK!?! These things take a few MINUTES to read... Imperial Commando: Then I guess we're gonna have to make this a long issue then, won't we. Darth Vader: Hang on, Felicity is almost over. Imperial Commando: AUGH!! I can't BELIEVE you WATCH that show! Darth Vader: Why? Imperial Commando: Because ice cream has no bones. Darth Vader: What? Imperial Commando: Exactly. Now let's skip forward a week or so... ~~FORWARD A WEEK OR SO~~ Employer: Well Mr. Tine. Your resume seems to make you VERY well qualified for the job, but I AM a bit concerned about your strange habit of electrocuting people you don't like. The Emperor: Only Rebels. Employer: Well see... That's the problem. We have a lot of them at our school. Mostly punks, but some... The Emperor: Um... Right. (to himself) Wow, the Rebels REALLY changed their image! Employer: I have one more question. What number am I thinking of? The Emperor: 54.2 Employer: HOW'D YOU KNOW!?! Imperial Commando: Yeah, how DID he know? Darth Vader: (shrugs) dumb luck. Imperial Commando, Paul the Spy, and Employer: aahhhh... Employer: Well. Welcome to the "Forward A Week Or So High School" The Emperor: Thanks. Hey, I can read my own mind. Pretty cool, huh? Employer: Whatever. Here's your office. You sit here and pretend to work. Until you feel like walking around doing nothing. And you yell at kids who get sent here. The Emperor: Yell at everyone, got it. Employer: Yeah, that works too. Kid #1: Hey, I'm late 'cause, um... I was held hostage by... evil bunny rabbits... who smoke... and forced me to do drugs.. The Emperor: All right, but don't do it again. Kid #2: Hey, I'm late 'cause- The Emperor: DON'T TALK BACK TO ME!! Kid #2: Sorry sir. The Emperor: Now, why are you here? Kid #2: Well see I'm late because.. um... my computer came to life and... attacked me, and... the microwave started it's own cult... and there was a cult meeting at my house... and they wanted to sacrifice my.... hamster. But the hamster... fell in nuclear waste... and... got superpowers! Yeah! Then it blew up the microwave and the rest of its cult, severely injuring me. So I went to the hospital in... Puerto Rico.. Because they don't charge as much. And was treated for burns, and my hamster was glued to me... Then I fell into... a cheese factory.. and was forced to eat my way out... The Emperor: Hey, that happened to me once! Kid #2: Really, wow. (leaves) The Emperor: Well, it looks like it's time to walk around acting important. Heh, this job is EASY! ~~5 minutes later...~~ Imperial Commando: Um, I think you're supposed to actually LEAVE your office when you walk around acting important. The Emperor: Oops. Paul the Spy: what's up? Darth Vader: Whassap? Paul the Spy: WHASSSAAAAAAAP! Darth Vader: WHHAAAAASSSSAAAAAAAAAAAP! Paul the Spy: WHASSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! Darth Vader: WHASAAAAAAAAAAA Paul the Spy: WHASAAAAAAAAAAAAA Darth Vader: AAAAA Paul the Spy: AAAAA Darth Vader: AAAAA Imperial Commando: AHEM! Paul the Spy: Sorry 'bout that mate. Teacher #1: Well hello! Class, this is our new principal... uhm.. I didn't catch your name. The Emperor: Tine. Palpa Tine. Teacher #1: (scoffs) yeah, well class, say hello to principal Tine. Kid #3: Whasssaap? The Emperor: WHASSSAAAAAAP! Kid #3: WHASSAAAAAAA (BANG!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT, Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: Thanks Bob... Say, where's Admiral Bob III this week? Admiral Bob IV: I COULD tell you, but first I need to hear someone say what he's had in previous weeks. Darth Vader: OOH! OOH! I know this one! Pick me! Pick me! Admiral Bob IV: Darth? Darth Vader: Anthrax, Ebola, E-Coli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, AIDS, Smallpox, Rabies, The Bends, Malaria, Lead Poisoning, Black Python Snake Bite, Radiation Sickness, Tetnus, Pig Latin Overdose, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, pnemonia-itis, Admiral Bob III-itis, and food poisoning. Admiral Bob IV: Right. This week he's got Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilacolevolcanoconiosis. Imperial Commando: What? Admiral Bob IV: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilacolevolcanoconiosis. Darth Vader: Huh? Admiral Bob IV: Pneumonoultra- Imperial Commando: We heard you. Admiral Bob IV: I believe it's a lung disease caused by volcanic ash. Imperial Commando: What was Bob doing near volcanic ash? Admiral Bob IV: Getting Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilacolevolcanoconiosis, I believe. Darth Vader: Commando, give it up. Imperial Commando: Right. Paul the Spy: Hey Palpa Tine... did you know you can change the school's rules now? The Emperor: It's just crazy enough to work! Darth Vader: Paul... Paul the Spy: Yes, Darth? Darth Vader: You just HAD to tell him, didn't you. Paul the Spy: But think of the rediculous rules he'll come up with. Just imagine. Students must hop on one foot. Or all lunches will be pure cottage cheese! HAHAHAHAHA!! The Emperor: Hmm.. As some people have bad breath in the morning, students aren't allowed to breathe until after lunch. (Paul's eyes get really big) Darth Vader: (smiling) Boy Paul. That sure shut YOU up, huh? Paul the Spy: Erk. The Emperor: Hmm, new uniform. Shoes must be worn on hands at all times. Underwear must be worn on head, hmm... Imperial Commando: Good God. The Emperor: Everyone loves pizza... hmm... No more paper in school. All homework will be done on pizza. Darth Vader: (laughing) Heh, that'll be funny to see! HA HA HA!! (Paul the Spy glares at Darth Vader) Darth Vader: Sorry. The Emperor: And finally, all PCs will be replaced with iMacs. Imperial Commando: Okay, this has gone too far. The Emperor: You're right, Apple IIs would be better. Darth Vader: THOSE HAVE NO F$%&ING HARD DRIVE!!!! The Emperor: Pfft, hard drives. Who needs 'em. (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice... suicide.. Darth. Darth Vader: gurgle...(dies) (Imperial Commando looks jealously at Darth) The Emperor: Right, thanks Darth. (talking as he's writing) No...suicides...on...school...grounds. Imperial Commando: That's not funny. Paul the Spy: (happy) I can't BELIEVE it's not funny! Imperial Commando: Paul... Paul the Spy: Get it? I can't believe it's not butter... I can't believe it's not funny? ha ha? Imperial Commando: Paul, NEVER explain jokes. Darth Vader: Yeah! Imperial Commando: Um... Darth... I thought you were dead. Yeah, your body is still right there.(points to Darth's body) Darth Vader: Oh that. I molted. Imperial Commando: (blink) (blink) The Emperor: Hmm, this is still a bit too believable. Paul the Spy: (happy) I can't BELIEVE it's not unbelievable! (Imperial Commando's trigger finger begins to twitch) Paul the Spy: All right, I'm gonna go... spy... or something. The Emperor: I KNOW! Instead of the pledge of alliegance, every morning students must sing the Macarena. Imperial Commando: Good luck getting that rule passed. The Emperor: Why? Imperial Commando: The eighth amendment protects them from that. The Emperor: The cruel and unusual punishment one? Imperial Commando: Yeah. The Emperor: But there IS no eighth amendment yet. Different universe. Imperial Commando: Yeah, but you mentioned the pledge of Alliegence which we don't have yet either. The Emperor: Okay, then from now on... walking is prohibited. You must square dance down the hall. Paul the Spy: Hey guys, I have urgent news. Imperial Commando: Talk to the hand! Paul the Spy: Um.. okaayyy.... Imperial Commando: Anyway, what were we talking about? Paul the Spy: So.. hand... how are you? Imperial Commando's Hand: Oh, you know... same ol' same ol'. Paul the Spy: Oh. Well I've been having quite an adventure today. Imperial Commando's hand: Oh? Paul the Spy: Yeah, see we- Darth Vader: All right, who's the wise guy who replaced all the water fountains with tooth-pick dispensers? (The Emperor whistles innocently) Darth Vader: That really hurt! Imperial Commando: Hey, you know who we haven't seen in a while? Paul the Spy: So that's about it. Anything new with you? Imperial Commando's Hand: Nope. Absolutely nothing. Paul the Spy: All right, then I'd better be going. Imperial Commando's Hand: All right, bye. Paul the Spy: Bye. Darth Vader: No, who HAVEN'T we seen yet Imperial Commando? Imperial Commando: We haven't seen Jar Jar Binks. Imperial Commando's Hand: Check the kindergarten class. Imperial Commando: WHAT THE HELL? Darth Vader: Wow, you're a good ventriloquist! Imperial Commando's Hand: What? Imperial Commando: Huh? Imperial Commando's Hand: So... are we gonna see Jar Jar Binks or not? I'm itching to shoot something. The Emperor: Hmm, all cafeteria food must be leftovers from previous years. Imperial Commando: I think it already is. The Emperor: Oh. Then all cafeteria food must be mined from the core of the Earth. Imperial Commando: Not sure what you mean by "Earth" but most of it is already mined from somewhere. The Emperor: THEN CAFETERIA FOOD MUST BE RECYCLED FERTILIZER!!! Imperial Commando: Um... It's- The Emperor: Can I change cafeteria food at ALL to make it worse? Imperial Commando's Hand: Nope. Imperial Commando: YOU shut up. No, I don't believe so. Imperial Commando's Hand: You want a piece of me? Imperial Commando: You're just a puny hand. How are you going to hurt me? Imperial Commando's Hand: What are you going to fight me with? Imperial Commando: Um... My other hand! Imperial Commando's Other Hand: Not on your life, bub. Imperial Commando: Great. Just great. I run a Galactic Empire, I'm practically worshipped by billions. And now I'm overthrown by my own hands? Imperial Commando's Hand: Don't worry, we'll be nice. Imperial Commando: This gives me an idea... ~~30 minute later~~ An Exorcist: The DEVIL is in these hands! (BANG!!!) Imperial Commando: Darn. I didn't think they'd do that! Imperial Commando's Other hand: Heh. Heh. It was all my idea. Imperial Commando's Hand: No it WASN'T you shameless opportunist!! Imperial Commando's Other hand: Yes it WAS! Imperial Commando's Hand: You want a piece of me? Imperial Commando's Other Hand: Bring it ON! (the two hands get in a vicious battle) Imperial Commando: Um, let's check on Jar Jar. Darth Vader: All right, (walks off) Imperial Commando: Um.... Darth Vader: (looking back) Hurry up! Imperial Commando: I can't seem to move my arms... Darth Vader: Chop 'em off. Imperial Commando: I couldn't do THAT! The Emperor: Hey guys, check out this cool PA system. Darth Vader: I've got an idea... Imperial Commando: DUH! Summon Jar Jar! Darth Vader: Oh, that wasn't my idea. Imperial Commando: Ordering pizza? Darth Vader: Yeah. The Emperor: I've always wondered what the P and A stand for. Pierced An- Imperial Commando: (over the PA system) Will Jar Jar Binks please come to the principal's office? The Emperor: Pencils Accepted? Jar Jar Binks: Yousa called meesah? The Emperor: Please Answer? Imperial Commando: Yessa, we did. The Emperor: YEAH! Please Answer! That's it! Darth Vader: Do you know who we are? The Emperor: Nah, it's probably Pennies and... no, that can't be right. Jar Jar Binks: Yes, yousa kills meesah every week. The Emperor: Pennies Ala... hmm... Imperial Commando: Gee, that kinda takes the fun out of it. Darth Vader: Yeah. Hey, I've got it! Jar Jar, we've called you here because we're sorry we've caused you so much pain in your life. We're going to take you out of kindergarten, and move you up to high school, where you belong! Imperial Commando: Are you su- Darth Vader: I know what I'm doing! The Emperor: Parents Annoying? Jar Jar Binks: Thanksa!! Thanksa a lot! Darth Vader: Don't mention it... MUAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! The Emperor: No, it's People Anchored, no, Anal... wait no... ~~A week later~~ Jar Jar Binks: Oof, there certainly is a lot of homeworksa in high schoolsa. Teacher #2: Oh, and this is also due tomorrow(dumps a stack of papers on Jar Jar) Jar Jar Binks: Oofsa! (falls down) Teacher #2: And you History teacher left this for you to do... (dumps a textbook, and a gigantic stack of papers on Jar Jar) Jar Jar Binks: Owsa, my nose! Teacher #2: And you also need to study for tomorrow's test in my class. Here's the books you'll need. (A giant crane drops a crapload of books on Jar Jar, smothering him) Jar Jar Binks: (muffled) Ah Cahnth bweeht! Imperial Commando: Heh, good idea Darth. Employer(over the Parents Annoying system): Would Palpa Tine please come to his own office, please? The Emperor: Oh BOY! I have an office now! (runs out of the room) Employer: Well Mr. Tine. It seems we haven't been hearing very many complaints about you in the past week. The Emperor: I'm doing a good job? YAY!!! Employer: You're fired. We haven't been getting ENOUGH complaints. The Emperor:(sadly) oh. Employer: You don't need the extra buck fifty an hour anyway, you run The Empire. The Emperor: Yeah.. I do... (coughs) Imperial Commando: Great, we're back where we started at the beginning of the issue. Employer: What are you still doing here? Imperial Commando: Me? Oh, I can't move my arms. Imperial Commando's Hand: OW! What was that for punk? Take THIS!!! (SMACK!!!) Imperial Commando's Other Hand: AH! You BASS TURD!! Employer: Did that hand call that other hand fish poop? Imperial Commando: Yeah. Why? Employer: I get called that a lot for some reason. Imperial Commando: Oh. Imperial Commando's Other Hand: Oh, had enough eh? Take THIS! (CRUNCH!!!) Imperial Commando's Hand: AAUUUUGGHH!!! I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER! Imperial Commando's Other Hand: Good. Imperial Commando's Hand: ... To NO ONE!! MUA HA HA HA HA HA!!! (WA-BAM!) Imperial Commando's Other Hand: AAAHHHH!!! ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise. Everything on here is © 2001 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UNsubscribe(at least tell me why, first.): the-empire-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com -Imperial Commando