******Episode 44****** of..... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------_______--_----_---______---------------------------- -------------------|~~~~~~~||:|--|:|-| ~~~~~|--------------------------- ----------------------|:|---|:|__|:|-|:||__----------------------------- ----------------------|:|---|:~~~~:|-|:~~~~|---------------------------- ----------------------|:|---|:|--|:|-|:||___---------------------------- ----------------------|:|---|:|--|:|-|~~~~~~|--------------------------- --_____--------__---------__--------______---_______---_____-----_____-- -|~~~~~|------/~~\-------/~~\------|~~~~~~\-|~~~~~~~|-|~~~~~\---|~~~~~|- -|:|__-------/:/\:\-----/:/\:\-----|:|___|:|---|:|----|:|__|:|--|:|__--- -|:~~~|-----/:/--\:\---/:/--\:\----|:~~~~~/----|:|----|:~~~~/---|:~~~|-- -|:|-------/:/----\:\_/:/----\:\---|:|---------|:|----|:|-\:\---|:|----- -|:|___---/:/------\~~~/------\:\--|:|-------__|:|__--|:|--\:\--|:|___-- -|~~~~~|-/:/-------------------\:\-|:|------|~~~~~~~|-|:|---\:\-|~~~~~|- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Darth Vader: You WHAT? Imperial Commando: I bought the ice cream parlor. Darth Vader: It's the middle of winter! Imperial Commando: Maybe in space, but I have quite a bit of control over the climate in the area around the store. Darth Vader: I suppose you know what you're doing..... (Darth Vader and Imperial Commando look at eachother for a few seconds) (Darth Vader and Imperial Commando laugh hysterically) Darth Vader: Seriously though. Seriously though: You rang? Imperial Commando: Wrong number. Paul the Spy: Hey guys. I heard that the Rebels bought an ice cream parlor. Imperial Commando: No, *I* bought the ice cream parlor. Darth Vader: You know, this WOULD explain why he was spying on us... Imperial Commando: Hey, yeah... Paul the Spy: Oh... Oops. Anyone else hungry? Imperial Commando: I am.. Let's go to my ice cream parlor! Paul the Spy: Nah... I want a hamburger. Darth Vader: You're not allowed to have a cow... Too much danger of Mad Cow Disease in England, remember? Paul the Spy: Oh... right... Darn. Imperial Commando: In my store, we have the following flavors: Sour Cream, Hot Tamale, Bland, Extra Bland, Rebel, Chocolate Rebel, Sprinkled Rebel, Pickle, Salmon, Dough, D'OH, Cheese Wiz, Vanilla, Mustard, Limburger Cheese, or Cannabal's Delight... Darth Vader: Erk... Imperial Commando: (thinking quickly) But, um... We're thinking of... adding new flavors too... The Emperor: Hmm... Canabal's Delight... what's that like? Imperial Commando: Chewy on the outside... kinda hard and stringy on the inside. The Emperor: Does it have bone? Imperial Commando: Well, DUH! It's wouldn't be true cannabalism without a BONE! Sheesh. The Emperor: Of course. I'll take 300 cones of it. Imperial Commando: That'll be 2,000 credits. The Emperor: Umm... the credits are.... in my car! Yeah, that's it! Imperial Commando: You don't HAVE a car. The Emperor: Oh... I'll be going then... Imperial Commando: I should probably get to the store now... Darth Vader: Right... You do that. Paul the Spy: Hey, can you send me a hamburger? Imperial Commando: Umm.... nah. I'm too lazy. Paul the Spy: (under his breath) ...Bloody Americans. AT THE ICE CREAM STORE... Imperial Commando: Wow.. long line. Darth Vader: Yeah. Imperial Commando: HEY!! There's no need to push! You will all be overcharged in a fair and equal manner! NO CUTTING!! Omega Leader: Howdy. Imperial Commando: Hey. What kind of ice cream do you want? Omega Leader: Hmm... The Pickle looks good. Ooh, Chocolate Rebel... Hmm.. Is the salmon fresh? Imperial Commando: Very. Omega Leader: All right then, I 'll take dough. Imperial Commando: Okie Doke. Want any topings? Omega Leader: What do you have? Imperial Commando: Sand, Watermelon Seed, Bland, Granite, Salt, Marble, Rebel Ear, Keyboard, Squid, Uranium 238, and Re-heated Taco Bell. Omega Leader: EWW!! I'll take the Uranium. Imperial Commando: That'll be 10 credits. Omega Leader: (waving hand in front of face) One credit will be enough... Imperial Commando: What? Omega Leader: One credit WILL be enough. Imperial Commando: You forgot to wave your hand again. Omega Leader: D'OH!! Imperial Commando: D'OH costs extra. Do you still want it? Omega Leader: ARE YOU CRAZY? GRRR!!! Jar Jar Binks: Heww- (BANG!!!) (BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!) Imperial Commando: Geez, you could've let him finish his first WORD. Sheesh. Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT... Omega Leader. Imperial Commando: What Does Adm- Darth Vader: He's had Anthrax, Ebola, E-Coli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, AIDS, Smallpox, Rabies, The Bends, Malaria, Lead Poisoning, Black Python Snake Bite, Radiation Sickness, Tetnus, Pig Latin Overdose, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, pnemonia-itis, Admiral Bob III-itis, and food poisoning. Admiral Bob IV: This week he has Cholera. (Imperial Commando stands around blinking for a few seconds) Imperial Commando: What...just...happened? Darth Vader: In an effort to be more... what's the word... Imperial Commando: Serious? Darth Vader: No.. Imperial Commando: Funny? Darth Vader: No.. Imperial Commando: Crazy? Darth Vader: No, that's not it... oh what was the word he used? Paul the Spy: Efficient? Darth Vader: YES! That was it! Efficient. It was a good thing too, that whole thing could have taken up at LEAST another two lines if we hadn't been more- Aww damn, not again. Paul the Spy: It was Efficient. Darth Vader: Right. Imperial Commando: Emphasis on the 'WAS'. Darth Vader: Huh? Omega Two: I'd like Prune ice cream. Imperial Commando: Here, take it, and go away! Omega Two: Don't you at least want me to pa- Imperial Commando: NO! GO AW- Omega Two: (shouting) HEY EVERYONE!!! FREE ICE CREAM!!! Everyone: (shouting back) Where? Omega Two: No, not you, doofus (smacks everyone). Everyone: Ow! Doofus: HEY! Darth Vader: Hey, Imperial Commando, are... Paul the Spy: ...you on drugs? Imperial Commando: Umm... hehe...nope. Paul the Spy: Then what the heck... Darth Vader: ...is going on? Imperial Commando: Umm... Darth Vader: Imperial Commando... What's going on? Imperial Commando: Look, I only had 18 vodkas, okay? Darth Vader: Bottles, or cups? Imperial Commando: Cases. Darth Vader: Don't those things come in cases of, like... 50? Imperial Commando: 65... But STILL! WELL, THIS SCENE KINDA GOES ON LIKE THIS FOR A *LOOOOOOOOOOONG* TIME. SO LET'S SKIP TO A FEW HOURS LATER... Rebel Dude #1: Okay, this is a hold-up! (fires two shots in the air) Ceiling: OW!! Rebel Dude #1: What the hell? Ceiling: You SHOT me you idiot! What was I supposed to say? Rebel Dude #1: Okay, that's it, I'm leaving.(leaves) Rebel Dude #2: Um... Give me all the money in the cash register or the ceiling gets it! Ceiling: DON'T DO IT!!! I'M NOT WORTH IT!!! Imperial Commando: HOLY ****** ***** **** ******ing ***** ** * ******** ********hole ******** ** ***** ***** *** that has ****** and **** ** ***** ****** **** **** **** ****!!!!!! Darth Vader: (to Rebel Dude #2) Are you sure you want ALL of the money in the cash register? Rebel Dude #2: Yes, um... if you could. Oh, and if you could put it into easy to carry sacks, that would be very kind. Darth Vader: Oh, no problem. (empties the cash register into an easy-to-carry sack) Here ya go (hands it to Rebel Dude #2) Rebel Dude #2: (looking in) 50 CENTS!?!?! Imperial Commando: Hey! Shut up! I just bought this place this afternoon! Rebel Dude #2: Right... well... um.. I'd like some Salmon Ice Cream then. Ooh, what kind of sauce do you have? Like Caramel, or Chocolate? Imperial Commando: Spagetti, apple, almond, ink, Battery Acid, Liquid Nitrogen, Acetyline, and Nuclear Waste. Rebel Dude #2: WHAT!?! You call this an ICE CREAM SHOP? Imperial Commando: Sometimes... Rebel Dude #2: WHAT KIND OF TOPPINGS ARE THOSE? Satisfied Customer #1: Good ones! Satisfied Customer #2: Yeah! Rebel Dude #2: (to Imperial Commando) Are you on drugs? Imperial Commando: NO! Rebel Dude #2: I see.... riiiiiight. Can someone help me understand what he's saying? Blue Leader: Yo. I'm his brother. I can... sort of... understand him. Imperial Commando: Noope. Watch this. Hey Blue Leader, why am I so lazy? Blue Leader: Err... Uh... Ummm... Because you're....an Imperial? Imperial Commando: Good guess. Blue Leader: (to Rebel Dude #2) See. Rebel Dude #2: Right. You know what? I'm just gonna escape with my 50 cents now... Blue Leader: Aww... crap. How am *I* going to escape? Rebel Dude #2: (as he runs out) I don't know... I don't care. Imperial Commando: Great.. Just Great. Darth Vader: What? Imperial Commando: I don't have enough money to keep my ice cream store open. Darth Vader: Great... Imperial Commando: That means that we're RIGHT back where we were at the beginning of the issue! Darth Vader: Woah, who would've thought. Wait... what about all the people we killed today? Imperial Commando: Eh... They'll live. Darth Vader: I see..... Imperial Commando: Yup. Well, I guess it's back to my puny little Executor III. Darth Vader: Don't you have that whole place to yourself other than the servants? Imperial Commando: Yes... Your point is...? Darth Vader: Isn't that something like 3 times the size of the original Executor? Imperial Commando: 3 and a half technically. Darth Vader: Puny? Imperial Commando: Well, compared to what I had planned it to be... Darth Vader: Where are the plans? Imperial Commando: They're stored in Super Star Destroyers 10 through 25. Darth Vader: Well, um.... I guess it's back to my one-room apartment... Imperial Commando: Yup... ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise. Everything on here is © 2001 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UNsubscribe(SHIIIING!): the-empire-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com -Imperial Commando