******Episode 43****** of..... ....................................................................... ....................................................................... ..................._______.._...._..._____............................. ..................|~~~~~~~||:|..|:|.| ~~~~|............................ .....................|:|...|:|__|:|.|:|__.............................. .....................|:|...|:~~~~:|.|:~~~|............................. .....................|:|...|:|..|:|.|:|___............................. .....................|:|...|:|..|:|.|~~~~~|............................ ._____........__.........__........_____..._______..._____....._____... |~~~~~|....../~~\......./~~\......|~~~~~\.|~~~~~~~|.|~~~~~\...|~~~~~|.. |:|__......./:/\:\...../:/\:\.....|:|__|:|...|:|....|:|__|:|..|:|__.... |:~~~|...../:/..\:\.../:/..\:\....|:~~~~/....|:|....|:~~~~/...|:~~~|... |:|......./:/....\:\_/:/....\:\...|:|........|:|....|:|.\:\...|:|...... |:|___.../:/......\~~~/......\:\..|:|......__|:|__..|:|..\:\..|:|___... |~~~~~|./:/...................\:\.|:|.....|~~~~~~~|.|:|...\:\.|~~~~~|.. ....................................................................... ....................................................................... 'Rebel Assault -- or is that Insult' Blue Leader: As you know, last week I was insulted beyond belief. So this week, I'm going to ATTACK THOSE IMPERIALS!!! Imperial Commando: Speaking of Imperials, visit my website at http://www.imperialcommando.com Blue Leader: Um... right... anyway, we're going to assemble all of the Rebels to attack the Executor III! Lando: Aww... Do we HAVE to? Blue Leader: YES! You HAVE to! Lando: Just because YOU have family problems... THEN... TWO HOURS LATER... Blue Leader: (pouring over intelligence briefings) The Imperials have to have a weakness we haven't exploited yet... Gold Leader: I don't see any. Maybe Red Leader can help. Red Leader: (walks in singing) Debout les damnés de la terre Debout les forçats de la faim La raison tonne en son cratère C'est l'éruption de la fin Du passe faisons table rase Foules, esclaves, debout, debout Le monde va changer de base Nous ne sommes rien, soyons tout C'est la lutte finale Groupons-nous, et demain (bis) L'Internationale Sera le genre humain Il n'est pas de sauveurs suprêmes Ni Dieu, ni César, ni tribun Producteurs, sauvons-nous nous-mêmes Décrétons le salut commun Pour que le voleur rende gorge Pour tirer l'esprit du cachot Soufflons nous-mêmes notre forge Battons le fer quand il est chaud L'état comprime et la loi triche L'impôt saigne le malheureux Nul devoir ne s'impose au riche Le droit du pauvre est un mot creux C'est assez, languir en tutelle L'égalité veut d'autres lois Pas de droits sans devoirs dit-elle Egaux, pas de devoirs sans droits Hideux dans leur apothéose Les rois de la mine et du rail Ont-ils jamais fait autre chose Que dévaliser le travail Dans les coffres-forts de la bande Ce qu'il a crée s'est fondu En décrétant qu'on le lui rende Le peuple ne veut que son dû. Les rois nous saoulaient de fumées Paix entre nous, guerre aux tyrans Appliquons la grève aux armées Crosse en l'air, et rompons les rangs S'ils s'obstinent, ces cannibales A faire de nous des héros Ils sauront bientôt que nos balles Sont pour nos propres généraux Ouvriers, paysans, nous sommes Le grand parti des travailleurs La terre n'appartient qu'aux hommes L'oisif ira loger ailleurs Combien, de nos chairs se repaissent Mais si les corbeaux, les vautours Un de ces matins disparaissent Le soleil brillera toujours. Gold Leader: Nevermind. Blue Leader: (looks at Red Leader) Are you a communist? NOW FOR THE REBEL BRIEFING ON THE CALAMARI (YUM) CRUISIER INDEPENDANCE Crix: At 0700 hours tomorrow, we will launch an attack on the Star Destroyer "Erebus". Red squadron will drop out of hyperspace in A-Wings to clear out the Imperial starfighters... if any. I doubt that they'll be awake that early. at 0703, Rougue and Wraith squadrons will arrive in X-Wings. They will assist Red squadron, destroy any light imperial ships, and disable the "Erebus's" shields. At 0710, Blue and Gold squadrons will drop out of hyperspace in E-Wings. They will annihilate the Star Destroyer and any targets of opportunity. Any questions? Gold 7: What happened to the pilots that ate the poisoned pizza? Blue Leader: They died. Gold 7: Oh... Um... okkkayyy... Crix: Right... You. Blue Leader: Yeah, why are we 'only' attacking an Imperial Star Destroyer the original plan was to take out an entire fleet, including a Super Star Destroyer. Crix: We need a guaranteed victory. (The Super Star Destroyer is a target of opportunity) And it's your fault for making the pilots sick. Blue Leader: Oh... Crix: Dissmissed. (The pilots get up and walk to the hanger) CRUNCH! Random Guy #1: AUGH!!(dies with a coat hanger in his throat) Blue 4: Oops... Um... hehe. (looks around) (pockets the hanger) (The pilots get up and walk to the hangAr) ON THE BRIDGE OF THE EXECUTOR III: Admiral Bob III: See that Star Destroyer over *COUGH* *COUGH* there? That's the "Erebus", your new ship. Admiral Bob IV: Thanks, Dad. Admiral Bob III: *COUGH* Darth Vader: What are you sick with this week? Admiral Bob III: I think I ate too much *COUGH* pizza last *COUGH* week. *COUGH* Darth Vader: You have food poisoning? Admiral Bob III: Bleh. Darth Vader: So THAT means that you've now had Anthrax, Ebola, E-Coli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, AIDS, Smallpox, Rabies, The Bends, Malaria, Lead Poisoning, Black Python Snake Bite, Radiation Sickness, Tetnus, Pig Latin Overdose, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, pnemonia-itis, Admiral Bob III-itis, and food poisoning. Imperial Commando: Enough already! It's almost 4pm. Are you three workaholics, or something? Darth Vader: That's the emperor's line! Emperor: It is? Darth Vader: Just sing something. Imperial Commando: Aren't you ready for the party? Paul the Spy: (Runs in) The Rebels will attack after the party ends! We'll be too hung- Emperor: ...Over the rainbow... (BASH!!!) Emperor: ...medic... *THUD* Imperial Medic: You rang?... Nevermind.(leaves) Admiral Bob III: (coughs) Wait! AFTER THE PARTY... Han Solo: 0659... Exiting hyperspace in 3... 2... 1... (The Rebel "Fleet" exits hyperspace) Han Solo: Check in. Lando: Red squadron is standing by. Rogue squadron will arrive in 3 minutes. Red Leader: I think my sensors are damaged; I'm not seeing any TIEs Red 2: Niether am I, comrade, but the capital ships are there... Hey! their shields aren't up! Red Leader: Those bougsie pigs are still asleep. Arm your missile launchers. THEN THE IMPERIALS WAKE UP...... Alpha Leader: Theysa coming in too fastsa! (TSSSEEEEEWWWWW!!!)(TSSSEEEEEWWWWW!!!)(TSSSEEEEEWWWWW!!!) (BOOM!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice, SHOT Red Leader! Kyle: Oh my God, You killed Jar Jar!!! Stan: YOU BA- (BANG!!!) Imperial Commando: SHUT UP! Red Leader: For the revolution!!! Wedge: Three whole shots? How can you be so inacurrate? Blue Leader: I'm out of torpedos! Wedge: Use your ego. Blue Leader: Okaaay... (TSSSEEEWWWW....Clang.) Blue Leader: It had no affect, sir! Wedge: Fire your brother's ego! Blue Leader: Where is it? Wedge: Um... It's kinda hard to miss.... Blue Leader: Oh... (cleans off his glasses) Ah, here we are... (breaks off a Death Star-sized piece) (TSEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!! BBBBOOOOOOOOOMMM!!) (BOOM!!!) (BOOM!!!) (BOOOM!!!) (BOOOM!!!) (BOOOM!!!)(BOOOM!!!)(BOOOM!!!) (BBBBOOOOOOOOOMMM!!) (BBBBOOOOOOOOOMMM!!)(BBBBOOOOOOOOOMMM!!)(BBBBOOOOOOOOOMMM!!) (BBBBOOOOOOOOOMMM!!)(BBBBOOOOOOOOOMMM!!)(BBBBOOOOOOOOOMMM!!) KK KK A BBBBBB OOOO OOOO MMMM MMMM !! KK KK AAA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! KK KK AA AA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! KKK AA AA ---- BBBBBB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! KKK AAAAAAAAA ---- BBBBBB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM !! KK KK AAAAAAAAA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MMM MM !! KK KK AA AA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM KK KK AA AA BBBBBB OOOO OOOO MM MM !! Blue Leader: Wow... Green Leader: Nice shot. Wraith 5: 800 TIE fighers with one shot... I bet I can take out 900! (TSEW) AT THE DEATH STAR III Imperial Commando: What are our losses. Paul the Spy: Alpha through Phi squadrons destroyed, 2 Victory Class Star Destroyers, 5 Imperial Star Destroyers, the Executor 3, 4 Nebulon B class frigates, one of which modified, 10 corvettes, 8 shuttles, ... 45 MINUTES LATER... Darth Vader: Our starfighter losses more specifically include... ANOTHER 20 MINUTES GO BY Darth Vader: ...And finally, they killed The Emperor. Imperial Commando: (Yawns -- he's still hung over) Is there AMY good mews? I dom't wamt you to dissapear. Darth Vader: Uhh... you're using 'm's where you should be using 'n's... Emperor: I can block blaster bolts with my hands! Darth Vader: No. I can, Imperial Commando and Darth Vader: Sheesh. (Imperial Commando and Darth Vader turn and stare at eachother) Imperial Commando: Jinx! AND AS THE EMPEROR WOULD SAY... SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW... Blue Leader: That was successfull. Wedge: Except for the pilots you poisoned. Blue Leader: But... But... They took the WRONG pizzas! Besides, they weren't good pilots anyway. Wedge: Whatever. Gold Leader: WOO HOO!!! WE WON! Imperial Commando: Maybe THIS week, but you just wait. I have a secret diabolical plan for next week... You just wait... ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise. Everything on here is © 2001 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UNsubscribe(Don't you dare! You do this and I'll hit you with my ego): the-empire-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com -Imperial Commando