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'Did Darth Vader survive? Is his helmet blinding Imperial Commando? Find out now on "The Empire"!' Imperial Commando: Um... It looks like I survived all right. Darth Vader: For NOW, that is... Imperial Commando: Why do you say that? Darth Vader: Because it's time for you to run for re-election Imperial Commando: Oh no! Darth Vader: Oh, YES. Imperial Commando: I've been dreading this day... Readers: Why? Darth Vader: Last time he was up for re-election, it... well... it wasn't pretty. Imperial Commando: I DON'T want to talk about it. Darth Vader: PLEASE can I tell them? Imperial Commando: NO!! Darth Vader: PLEASE? _ _______ | | | | \ | / \ | | | | \ | / \ | | | Imperial Commando: | \ | | | | | | | \ | \ / | | | | \ | \ / | \_| \_______/ 0 0 0 Darth Vader: Thank God my helmet blocks out some of the noise! The Emperor: Hey, Imperial Commando, can you keep it down? I'm trying to play polker on the other side of the Death Star. Imperial Commando: How'd you get over here so fast? The Emperor: I beamed over here. Imperial Commando: That's Star TREK, idiot. This is Star WARS. The Emperor: Then I... uh... used the force. Darth Vader: STOP INSULTING THE FORCE!!! It looks like SOMEBODY needs a time-out! (Reachs out at the emperor) The Emperor: (Gasping for air) ACK! Darth Vader: (Tightens his hand towards a fist) Imperial Commando: Vader! Release him! Darth Vader: As you wish, Commando. The Emperor: (gasping) Phew. Anyway, what I was going to tell the readers was that last time there was an election, Imperial Commando-(gasps) Imperial Commando: (Using the force to choke Darth Vader) Do NOT tell ANYONE what happened last election! Darth Vader: Looks like SOMEONE needs a chill pill. I mean, all that happened was- ~~I INTERRUPT THIS E-ZINE FOR A SPECIAL REPORT. DARTH VADER DIED TODAY AFTER A MYSTERIOUS EXPLOSION IN IMPERIAL COMMANDO'S OFFICE. THE WHEREABOUTS OF IMPERIAL COMMANDO ARE UNKNOWN AT THIS TIME, HOWEVER THE EMPEROR'S LEFT EAR WAS FOUND. NOW BACK TO THE EMPIRE~~ Imperial Commando: Hello there sir, vote for me. Good day miss, vote for me. Hi sir, vote for me... Imperial guy #18: HEY! I remember you! Oh man, I can't believe you're running again! I remember what happened in the last election, you- Imperial Commando: (shouting) WHAT'S THAT? YOU WANT TO STOP TALKING NOW? GOOD. Crazed Imperial Fan: OMG!! OMG!! I can't BELIEVE I'm actually meeting Imperial Commando!!!!!!! OMG!!! OMG!!! (has a heart attack and dies) Admiral Bob IV: Nice... um... oh nevermind. I'll come back later. Imperial Commando: Um... right. Mean Imperial: HA! I'm not voting for YOU! I'm voting for the OTHER guy! Imperial Commando: Who is running against me, anyway? Mean Imperial: Jar Jar Binks is! And he's gonna kick your farting region! Imperial Commando: Jar Jar? (laughs maniacally) This is going to be easier than I thought. Maybe this won't turn out to be a repeat of what happened last time! Bob Ignorant: Hey Imperial Commando... what DID happen last time? Imperial Commando: (glares at Mr. Ignorant for a few seconds) Vote for me. Bob Ignorant: Sure... if you tell me what happened. Imperial Commando: Eh. Like one vote ever mattered. Paul the Spy: Imperial Commando! I have information that Jar Jar is planning to publicly humiliate you tomorrow! Imperial Commando: (through clenched teeth) Paul, ixnay on the informationay. Paul the Spy: Okay, but I'm warning you. Don't trust anyone who tries to sell you a taco... Imperial Commando: Okay, got it. You can go away now. Paul the Spy: All right... but first, can I have a raise? Imperial Commando: hows 50% sound? Paul the Spy: Wow, talk about a wave of generosity! Imperial Commando: Um.. yeah... you could call it that... Joe Naive: Um... wouldn't a 50% raise still be zero? (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: Hello sir, vote for me... Howdy miss, vote for me... Sorry about that Bob. So... Why isn't admiral Bob III here THIS week? Admiral Bob IV: First Darth has to- Hey, where IS Darth? Imperial Commando: I killed him. Admiral Bob IV: Oh. Again? Imperial Commando: Yeah. Admiral Bob IV: Great, NOW who's gonna recite all of my dad's previous illnesses? Imperial Commando: Don't YOU know them? Admiral Bob IV: Nope... Why don't you? Imperial Commando: I don't have room for that information... Admiral Bob IV: Don't have room? Imperial Commando: Oh, you know.... My ego and all... Admiral Bob IV: Oh yeah. Great. So what are we going to do? Imperial Commando: I don't know. Maybe Paul knows them. (shouting) HEY PAUL!!! GET BACK HERE!! Paul the Spy: (popping up from a manhole cover) OW... I was spying right here, you didn't have to shout. Imperial Commando: What were you spying on ME for? Paul the Spy: I didn't have anything better to do. Imperial Commando: Oh. Hey, do you know all of Admiral Bob III's previous illnesses? Paul the Spy: Yes I do, but I've just taken a vow of silence. Imperial Commando: Oh. That sucks. Can you at least write them down? Paul the Spy: Sure! Got any paper? Imperial Commando: Yeah somewhere. I think I have some left over from my last issue of The Empire... Ah, here it is! (hands it to Paul) (Paul the Spy stares at the paper for a while) Imperial Commando: Well? Paul the Spy: Can I have a pen? Imperial Commando: Yeah. (hands Paul a pen) Paul the Spy: (writes them down, and hands Imperial Commando the paper) Here ya go! Imperial Commando: Anthrax, Ebola, E-Coli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, AIDS, Smallpox, Rabies, The Bends, Malaria, Lead Poisoning, Black Python Snake Bite, Radiation Sickness, Tetnus, Pig Latin Overdose, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, and pnemonia-itis. Admiral Bob IV: Great, I just forgot what he has this week... Oh yes, he has Admiral Bob III-itis. Imperial Commando: He's allergic to himself? Admiral Bob IV: Only for a week though. Then he'll get something else. Imperial Commando: Of course. Paul the Spy: Hey, Imperial Commando, the Rebels want to meet with you about something. Imperial Commando: YAY!!! Paul the Spy: Right. Anyway, they want you on the Rebel base in 45 minutes. Imperial Commando: All right. ~~45 MINUTES LATER...~~ Jar Jar Binks: Hewwo. Meesah Jar Jar Binks. Meesah has come to meet with yousa... Imperial Commando: Actually, I came HERE to meet with you... Jar Jar Binks: Yessa, I understandsa. Meesah needs to win this electionsa. Imperial Commando: It'll cost you an arm and a leg. Jar Jar Binks: Meesah understands thatsa- (BANG!!!) (BANG!!!) Jar Jar Binks: YYYEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWSSSSSAAAAAA!!!!!!! Imperial Commando: Anything else I can do for you? Jar Jar Binks: Nosa... But I win the electionsa, nowsa, right? Imperial Commando: If you get more votes than me, sure. Jar Jar Binks: (wheezy)But....I....need....moresa....vote...vote...votes. Imperial Commando: Are you okay? Jar Jar Binks: Nosa. Meesah is in a lot of pain! Imperial Commando: Aww.. That's too bad. Here, let me help. (SNAP!!!) Jar Jar Binks: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY LEGSA!!!!!! MY LEGSA!!!!! OOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! Imperial Commando: Oops. Jar Jar Binks: AAAAHHH!!!! IT'S GUSHINGSA WITH BLOODSA!!! Imperial Commando: Here, I'll fix that... (twist... SNAP!!!) _______ __ __ __ _ _ _ / _____ \ \ \ / \ / / | || || | / / \ \ \ \ / /\ \ / / | || || | Jar Jar Binks: | | | | \ \/ / \ \/ / |_||_||_| \ \_____/ / \ / \ / \_______/ \/ \/ (0)(0)(0) Imperial Commando: Ow is RIGHT! My hear hurts like a fu(CENSORED!!!!!)ing B(CENSORED!!!!!!) With Moth(CENSORED!!!!!!!!!)ng (CENSORED!!!!!) and (CENSORED!!!!!!) (CENSORED!!!!!)ing (CENSORED!!!!!!)hole and (CENSORED!!!!) (CENSORED!!!!!) (CENSORED!!!!). Darth Vader: Wow. The Emperor: Cool! Jar Jar's head exploded! Admiral Bob IV: Nice SWEARING, Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: (turning red) Aww.. thanks. But it was nothing, really. Darth Vader: Well, um.... Was there anyone else running against you, other than Jar Jar? Imperial Commando: Yeah, there was one other person... Darth Vader: Who? Imperial Commando: Nevermind, it was a third-party candidate. Darth Vader: WOO HOO!!!! Another successful re-election, wouldn't you say, Imperial Commando? Imperial Commando: Indeed. And the readers didn't have to know about the horror of last election. Darth Vader: So... what should we do to celebrate? Imperial Commando: Let's infiltrate the Rebel's pizza party, and get free pizza! Darth Vader: All RIGHT!!!!! ~~At the Pizza Party~~ Blue Leader: Hello Imperial Commando, hello Darth Vader. Imperial Commando: Hello bro. Darth Vader: Hi Blue Leader. Blue Leader: How's your pizza? Imperial Commando: Fine... why? Blue Leader: It doesn't taste... I don't know... poisoned or anything, does it? Imperial Commando: Nope... My pizza's fine. How 'bout yours Darth? Darth Vader: Mine's fine. Blue Leader: Are you sure? Imperial Commando: Quite. Blue Leader: Dang! Hmmmm.... Puce Leader: ACK!!! This...pizza's....poisoned... (dies) Blue Leader: Oops... dang. Imperial Commando: HAW! HAW! Darth Vader: (points at Blue Leader) HEHE!! You poisoned the wrong pizza!!! Blue Leader: Eighth time in a row too. Puce 6: ACK!!! (dies) Blue Leader: Ninth... Imperial Commando: Mmm... Good pizza. Darth vader: Yup. Imperial Commando: Let's grab another piece before we go. Darth Vader: Okay. Blue Leader: (under his breath) eeeexcellent. Green 11: ACK!!! (dies) Green 8: OH NO!!! This...is... pois...(dies) Blue Leader: D'OH!!!! Imperial Commando: See you later, bro. Darth Vader: Yeah. Thanks for the great pizza! Blue Leader: GRR.... (grumbles) This calls for a surprise attack next week! FOR THE SURPRISE ATTACK, TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR.... THE EMPIRE!! ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2001 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(bah. Why do I even put this here?): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando