******Episode 41****** of..... _______ _ ____ |~~~~~~~||:| / ~~~\ |:| |:|____ |:|_|:| |:| |:~~~~~| |:~~~/ |:| |:| |:| |:|___ |:| |:| |:| \~~~~| _____ __ __ _____ _______ _____ _____ |~~~~~| /~~\ /~~\ |~~~~~\ |~~~~~~~| |~~~~~\ |~~~~~| |:|__ /:/\:\ /:/\:\ |:|__|:| |:| |:|__|:| |:|__ |:~~~| /:/ \:\ /:/ \:\ |:~~~~/ |:| |:~~~~/ |:~~~| |:| /:/ \:\_/:/ \:\ |:| |:| |:| \:\ |:| |:|___ /:/ \~~~/ \:\ |:| __|:|__ |:| \:\ |:|___ |~~~~~| /:/ \:\ |:| |~~~~~~~| |:| \:\ |~~~~~| 'And THEY said we would never make it to episode 41... HA!' Hello. As many of you know, I am Imperial Commando. I have nothing to talk to you about. This is just, what we like to call "filler". We do this because this is a short episode. So... Readers... Um... how are things? Good. Glad to hear it. Hehe, good one! Imperial Commando: Well, I'm back from a little vacation. Darth Vader: Where did you go? Imperial Commando: Australia. I've been gone for two weeks... haven't you noticed? Darth Vader: . . . No. Imperial Commando: Well... I have. That's why there hasn't been an issue in more than two weeks. Darth Vader: I.... hadn't.... noticed... Imperial Commando: Darth... Darth Vader: What? What? Imperial Commando: Did you publish some issues while I was gone? Darth Vader: No. Whatever would give you such an idea? (whistles innocently) Imperial Commando: (looks at readers) Were they funny? Readers: Uh...... What? Imperial Commando: Oh, nevermind, let's get on with the issue. Paul the Spy: Hello. Imperial Commando: Hey Paul! Darth Vader: What's up? Paul the Spy: I just came here to tell you that the Rebels are planning a big pizza party next week. They would either be an easy target for an attack, or you could get free pizza. Imperial Commando: NO!!!! Paul the Spy: What? Imperial Commano: Never ever EVER make me choose between killing Rebels or free pizza. Paul the Spy: Well, I couldn't decide either, so I came here to ask you. Darth Vader: How about we flip for it? We'll toss my idiot son. Heads - we get free pizza. Tails - we kill Rebels (tosses Luke into the air) Imperial Commando: NNOOOOO!!! Something like this can't be decided with just a simple, random Rebeltoss. We need to study the options and carefully evaluate the situation. (Luke lands on his head) Luke: OOOOWWW!!! (cries) The Emperor: Like my new cologne? It smells like a lit match. Darth Vader: Interesting. Waitaminute! They don't make a cologne that smells like a lit match! The Emperor: They don't? Then what's that smell? (FOOOOM!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice, err... Um... Did you do anything, Imperial Commando? Imperial Commando: (stares at the spot where The Emperor was and blinks) No. No I didn't. Darth Vader: DUUUUUDE! That was AWESOME!!! Imperial Commando: Anyway Admiral Bob IV, where is Admiral Bob III THIS week? Admiral Bob IV: First Darth needs to- Darth Vader: Anthrax, Ebola, E-Coli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, AIDS, Smallpox, Rabies, The Bends, Malaria, Lead Poisoning, Black Python Snake Bite, Radiation Sickness, Tetnus, Pig Latin Overdose, and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Now can you tell us what he has this week? Admiral Bob IV: He has pnemonia-itis. Darth Vader: Are you sure that's not pnemonia? Admiral Bob IV: My father has it, doesn't he? Darth Vader: Yeah, but- Imperial Commando: Admiral Bob III HAS it, so it MUST be pnemonia-itis, now shut up Darth. Paul the Spy: Hehe, The Emperor went foom. hehe. Imperial Commando: What? Darth Vader: British humor. Don't ask. Paul the Spy: I BELIEVE you mean "humour" Darth Vader: No, I MEAN "humor" Paul the Spy: You MEAN "Humour" Darth Vader: I MEAN "HUMOR"!!!!! Paul the Spy: Don't make me bash your bloody face in! Darth Vader: I mean "humour"!!! I mean "humour"!!! Paul the Spy: I thought you might. Darth Vader: Say, Imperial Commandou. How far away would you say the nearest McDounald's is... 3 kiloumetres? Imperial Commando: Poussibly two kilometres. But of course, SPACE is soumething like -240 degrees C. Darth Vader: (Whispering) What's that in normal temperature? Imperial Commando: (whispering) -450 or so. Darth Vader: Sounds like fun. You can leave nouw, Paul. Paul the Spy: (confused)'Possibly' doesn't have a 'u' in it... neither does McDonald's, or Commando, or now, or something... Imperial Commando: Really? Oops, well... Too bad you have to go now. Paul the Spy: I do? Imperial Commando: Yes, you do. Paul the Spy: No I don't! The schedule says I'm supposed to be here for another- Imperial Commando: The schedule's WRONG!!! Paul the Spy: Are you insane? The schedule's NEVER wrong. Imperial Commando: It is NOW! Paul the Spy: No it's n- (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: Thanks. Darth Vader: Anyway, back to spelling things NORMALLY. Imperial Commando: Oh yeah! Darth Vader: I hate to bring it up, but which one are you going to choose? Imperial Commando: (eyes glowing red) Which one of WHAT? Darth Vader: Err.. Um.. hehe, err, um.. (sweating) um. The pizz- err.. the um. Imperial Commando: (taking out his red contact lenses) Hehe, I know what you're talking about and no, I haven't decided. Darth Vader: GRRR! (grows fangs) Imperial Commando: Uh oh. Darth Vader: RUN AWAY!!! IT MUST BE A FULL MOON!!! (Imperial Commando runs away) Darth Vader: (taking out his fake fangs) Hehehe. Sucker! Imperial Commando: Waitaminute... there are no werewolves in Star Wars... (shouting) DARTH!!! Darth Vader: What? Imperial Commando: You're a loser. Darth Vader: You know it! Imperial Commando: Know what else I know? Darth Vader: No, I don't know what you know. Imperial Commando: I know the meaning of is. Darth Vader: Well that's a start... I guess. Imperial Commando: I'm bored. Darth Vader: Me too. Imperial Commando: I'm gonna unsubscribe anyone who doesn't send me fan mail. Darth Vader: You do that. Imperial Commando: I will. The Emperor: Hi everyone! Darth Vader: What the!?! I thought you blew up!(glares at Imperial Commando) The Emperor: Me go boom?(looks at Imperial Commando) Imperial Commando: Eh, this place was getting boring. The Emperor: HEY! I can comb my nose hairs! Darth Vader: Boring?!?! THAT'S why you brought him back? Because you thought this was BORING? The Emperor: COOL! I can touch my tongue to my ears! Imperial Commando: Yeah. The Emperor: Hey, did you know that I can do a belly flop onto solid concrete from 10 metres up? Imperial Commando: Oh NO! They got you TOO, Palpa Tine? Darth Vader: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blue Leader, Red Leader, Gren Leader, Gold Leader, etc.(In the distance): YEEEESSSSSSS!!! Imperial Commando: (picks up a sword) Do NOT use meters. And when you do, SPELL IT CORRECTLY! Jar Jar Binks: Hewwo, meesah Jar Jar Binks! Imperial Commando: Oh, hey Jar Jar! (slaps him on the back) Jar Jar Binks: ACK!! Imperial Commando: Oops, I forgot to put down my sword first. Jar Jar Binks: Gurgle.... (dies) Darth Vader: Oh my God! You killed Jar Jar! Imperial Commando: I'm a bastard? Kyle: HEY! You're stealing our lines! Stan: YEAH! Imperial Commando: Sorry. Cartman: GOD DAMMIT KYLE, STAN!!! GET BACK HERE!!! RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAY Imperial Commando: Oh God. Are our ratings REALLY so low that my editor put in some South Park? Darth Vader: I'm afraid so. A few people unsuscribed, and well... Imperial Commando: DANGIT READERS!! How many times have I TOLD you to get everyone you can to subscribe!?!? Readers: You never said that! Imperial Commando: ERG! RebelPilot: Snerk! Darth Vader: Who is he? Imperial Commando: He guest starred a while back... I think he owns a *cough*Rebel*cough E-Zine. Darth Vader: HAHAHAAAAA!!! The Emperor: HEY!! Homer Simpson is my role model!!! Imperial Commando: Homer... Darth Vader: ...Simpson? The Emperor: YEAH! So don't be mean to him! Darth Vader: Oookaaaayyyyyy... You know what, I think my helmet needs cleaning. I think I'll go to the other room and, um... get...it...cleaned. Imperial Commando: What? You're helmet is self-cleaning! Darth Vader: Gotta go (runs out of the room) Imperial Commando: Great, now *I* have to deal with the weirdos. The Emperor: Hey come here! Imperial Commando: Um, all right... The Emperor: Follow me. (Imperial Commando follows The Emperor for a while, until....) Imperial Commando: A garbage dumb? The Emperor: That's right! I made it myself. What do you think? Garbage Dumb: (in eerie, ghostly voice) Pleeeeeaaase don't haaaaate me. Imperial Commando: Woah! Cool! I have GOT to learn how to make MY garbage dumb talk. The Emperor: Oh, it's simple. Just dump on several tons of toxic waste per day, and violin! Imperial Commando: You mean voila? The Emperor: Now, I mean dump on the toxic waste, and a violin. Imperial Commando: Why a violin? The Emperor: So that you can play with it!!! AAAHHHHAAHAHAHA!!!!! Imperial Commando: . . . . . . Right. But I thought you weren't supposed to play with your food. The Emperor: Pffft! That's just an urban legend. Imperial Commando: I suppose so. The Emperor: So..... Imperial Commando: So.... Darth Vader: I'm back. Imperial Commando: ACK!! Darth Vader: What, What?! Imperial Commando: (shielding his eyes) Your helmet.... It's too bright... Darth Vader: I know. That's why I have sunglasses on underneath this thing. Imperial Commando: Great, but what about the people who actually have to LOOK at you. Darth Vader: I have nothing for them. That's why this is so great! Imperial Commando: Why? Darth Vader: Because I hate people. Imperial Commando: Do you hate garbage dumps? Darth Vader: No, why? Imperial Commando: Because I know one that can talk! Darth Vader: Mine? Imperial Commando: No, The Emperor's. YOURS can talk TOO? Darth Vader: Of course! The secret is to put on several tons of toxic waste per day, and viola. Imperial Commando: Don't you mean "viola" ? Darth Vader: No, viola... Imperial Commando: Why? Darth Vader: So that you can play with your food! HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAHAHAHA!! (BANG!!!) ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2001 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(move along people, there's nothing to see here. Move along.): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando