******Episode 40****** of..... _______ _ ____ |~~~~~~~||:| / ~~~\ |:| |:|____ |:|_|:| |:| |:~~~~~| |:~~~/ |:| |:| |:| |:|___ |:| |:| |:| \~~~~| _____ __ __ _____ _______ _____ _____ |~~~~~| /~~\ /~~\ |~~~~~\ |~~~~~~~| |~~~~~\ |~~~~~| |:|__ /:/\:\ /:/\:\ |:|__|:| |:| |:|__|:| |:|__ |:~~~| /:/ \:\ /:/ \:\ |:~~~~/ |:| |:~~~~/ |:~~~| |:| /:/ \:\_/:/ \:\ |:| |:| |:| \:\ |:| |:|___ /:/ \~~~/ \:\ |:| __|:|__ |:| \:\ |:|___ |~~~~~| /:/ \:\ |:| |~~~~~~~| |:| \:\ |~~~~~| Imperial Commando: Last time on The Empire... A bunch of stuff happened. Then I got in an all week long Pong tournament with Darth Vader. Darth Vader: Yeah... Imperial Commando: Darth has yet to win a game. Darth Vader: Well, you've only won 147 games in a row! That could EASILY be luck. Imperial Commando: Yeah, and storm troopers are good at aiming. Darth Vader: Shut up. Imperial Commando: Hey Darth, this is going to be a rather funny, and as usual TOTALLY pointless episode of The Empire. Darth Vader: Yippy! Jar Jar Binks: Hewwo! Darth Vader: Why haven't you shot him yet? Imperial Commando: Because he's going to be a crash test dummy in the new TIES we've designed. Darth Vader: Goody. Paul the Spy: Hey mates! Darth Vader: I'm not... Imperial Commando: Eww.. Paul the Spy: What? Darth Vader: Go away. Imperial Commando: Yes, go away. Paul the Spy: Okay, but first you guys need to know the Rebels are planning to attack the TIES that will be tested. Imperial Commando: I know that. Paul the Spy: But.. then why are you sending Jar Jar out to fly the new TIES that are going to be attacked? (Everyone looks at Paul) Imperial Commando: Riiiight. Anyway Darth, we have Pizza with the queen at 11, then we tee off at 1, and after that we test the new TIES. Darth Vader: Okay. Paul the Spy: No really, why are you sending Jar Jar on an obvious suicide mission? Imperial Commando: You honestly don't know? Paul the Spy: Should I? Imperial Commando: Yes.. Paul the Spy: You're acting like you hate him! Imperial Commando: Try having Jar Jar appear in every single episode. The most hated character, always there when you least expect it. Paul the Spy: I see... Imperial Commando: (gouges Paul's eyes out) Now you don't! Paul the Spy: AAAUUUUGHH!!!! Admiral Bob IV: Nice GOUGE, Imperial Commando! Darth Vader: Where's Admiral Bob III THIS week, Bob? Admiral Bob IV: First you need to recite all the previous illnesses... The Emperor: I came as quickly as I could! Imperial Commando: Um, Palpa Tine... Didn't I call you over here, like last summer? The Emperor: Last April, technically not summer. Imperial Commando: Then what- The Emperor: I've GOT to quit smoking. Imperial Commando: Well, I don't need you anymore, so just, um, crawl back to wherever you were... The Emperor: I forgot where that is... Imperial Commando: Aww.. too bad. Darth Vader: ANYWAY! I was going to say Admiral Bob III has had Anthrax, Ebola, E-Coli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, AIDS, Smallpox, Rabies, The Bends, Malaria, Lead Poisoning, Black Python Snake Bite, Radiation Sickness, Tetnus, and Pig Latin Overdose. Admiral Bob IV: Yeah, well this week he has Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Imperial Commando: Eww... Darth Vader: Ow. Admiral Bob IV: Yeah, the doctors are saying he might be out of this E-Zine for WEEKS! Darth Vader: SSHHHH!! Imperial Commando: ACK! That IS bad! Darth Vader: Guys, can you keep it down, I'm trying to watch the lottery. Imperial Commando: Hehe, YOU bought a lottery ticket? Darth Vader: So? Imperial Commando: Do you know the odds of winning that? Darth Vader: No... what? Imperial Commando: About the same as a Storm Trooper hitting someone. Darth Vader: I've seen Storm Troopers hit people before! Imperial Commando: When? Darth Vader: Hmm, maybe I was on drugs... But still! Imperial Commando: You're not going to win. Darth Vader: Yeah I WILL! Imperial Commando: How much you wanna bet? Darth Vader: Okay, I won't win. Imperial Commando: Yes, you WILL! Darth Vader: No, I WON'T! Imperial Commando: I bet you that lottery ticket that you will win! Darth Vader: You're ON! I have the numbers 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. TV Guy: 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Imperial Commando: HA! Told you. Darth Vader: (gives Imperial Commando the ticket) fine. Imperial Commando: How much is this for anyway? Darth Vader: 100,000,000,000 credi- WOAH! How'd you get that? Imperial Commando: You gave it to me, remember? I bet you the ticket that you'd win, and you won, so I get the ticket. ___ _____ | | | | | | \ \\ / \ | | | | | | \ / \ |______| | | | Darth Vader: | | | | | | | | | | / \ / | | |___/ \_____/ | | 0 0 0 Imperial Commando: owww... my ears. Darth Vader: Where'd my helmet go? Imperial Commando: It flew off when you yelled. Darth Vader: Really? Where to? Imperial Commando: Somewhere over there. (points to the TIE loading station) ~~Meanwhile, at the TIE loading station~~ Paul the Spy: Hey, what's that? The Emperor: what's what? (BONK!!!) Paul the Spy: OW!! (BONK!!!) The Emperor: OW!! (SHOOMP!) Jar Jar Binks: (muffled) Coolsa Hemletsa! (Jar Jar gets in his TIE) ~~And back to our "heroes"~~ Darth Vader: We need to get it back!!! Imperial Commando: Why? Darth Vader: BECAUSE I CAN'T BREATH WITHOUT IT! Imperial Commando: Whine whine whine. (whiney voice) I can't breath! wah wah wah!!!(regular voice) You are a spoiled brat. Sheesh. Can't breath. Heh. Darth Vader: GASP! Imperial Commando: Why did you just SAY "gasp" isn't that an action? Darth Vader: Shut up. Imperial Commando: I estimate that you have exactly 2 minutes to live. Darth Vader: Oh, goody. ~~Meanwhile, back to Jar Jar~~ Jar Jar Binks: They're coming in too fastsa! Paul the Spy: . . . What? Jar Jar Binks: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOsa!!!!!! (TSEWTSEW TSEW!!!) BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!! (the helmet floats away from the explosion) ~~And back to Darth Vader~~ Darth Vader: Can't.....breathe.... Imperial Commando: Now, now Darth. I'm sure it's around here somewhere. Just stay CALM! Darth Vader: YOU try staying calm when you can't breathe! ~~Back to the helmet~~ Helmet: WEEEE!!!! (bounces off the death star III) OW! Meteor: Hey Helmet! Long time, no see! Helmet: Hey there Meteor! My, how you've grown! Meteor: Sure have. I'm even married now, have a couple of kids... Wanna see pictures of the little meteorites? Helmet: Sure! Meteor: Oh, wait, I forgot, I don't have arms. Helmet: Oh. I do that sometimes too. HEY! Watch where you're going! You're going to run into m- (CRASH!!!) Helmet: AAAHHHH!!!!! (goes flying into the death star III) ~~Back to Darth Vader~~ Darth Vader: Goodbye.... Imperial.....Command... Command.. Comma- (SHOOMP!) Darth Vader: Well hey, Whattaya know? I can breathe just fine now. The only problem is I'm blind now... Imperial Commando: Um.... Darth? Darth Vader: Yeah? Imperial Commando: You're helmet is on backwards. Helmet: OW! Darth Vader: HELMET! SHHH!! You don't want Imperial Commando knowing you can talk, now do you? Helmet: I know... But I just have to sing! Darth Vader: Wait! NOOOOO!! Helmet: (breaking into song) 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 bottles of beer on the wall, 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 bottles of beer! take one down, pass it around, 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999- (BANG!!!) Darth Vader: AAUUUGH!!! WILL DARTH VADER AND HIS HELMET LIVE? DOES ANYONE CARE? WHAT ABOUT JAR JAR, IS HE ALIVE? NO. FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON, THE EMPIRE!!!!! Psst! Hey you.. the person reading this. Yeah you. There won't be an issue next week. I'm going on a little vacation. See you in two weeks! ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2001 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. 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