******Episode 39****** of..... _______ _ ____ |~~~~~~~||:| / ~~~\ |:| |:|____ |:|_|:| |:| |:~~~~~| |:~~~/ |:| |:| |:| |:|___ |:| |:| |:| \~~~~| _____ __ __ _____ _______ _____ _____ |~~~~~| /~~\ /~~\ |~~~~~\ |~~~~~~~| |~~~~~\ |~~~~~| |:|__ /:/\:\ /:/\:\ |:|__|:| |:| |:|__|:| |:|__ |:~~~| /:/ \:\ /:/ \:\ |:~~~~/ |:| |:~~~~/ |:~~~| |:| /:/ \:\_/:/ \:\ |:| |:| |:| \:\ |:| |:|___ /:/ \~~~/ \:\ |:| __|:|__ |:| \:\ |:|___ |~~~~~| /:/ \:\ |:| |~~~~~~~| |:| \:\ |~~~~~| 'What would YOU like to see on www.imperialcommando.com ? ' THIS WEEK WE HAVE THE UNBELIEVABLE, INCREDIBLE, ABSOLUTELY AMAZING FINALE, WHERE WE FIND OUT IF IMPERIAL COMMANDO GETS OUT OF JAIL. Police Chief: Okay, Imperial Commando... you're free to go. Imperial Commando: All right! OH, WELL... UM, I GUESS HE GOT OUT THEN. Imperial Commando: Sure did! Darth Vader: Hey Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: Hey Darth! Darth Vader: I'm planning a surprise party for The Emperor, want to come? Imperial Commando: What? I thought you hated him. Darth Vader: I know! Great disguise, eh? Imperial Commando: Uh... Sure... Darth Vader: Great, and remember to bring a present. Imperial Commando: Uh.. Okay... Darth Vader: Okay, see you there! Imperial Commando: Um, see you.. The Emperor: (walks in) Hey Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: Hey... Emperor... The Emperor: I'm planning a surprise party for Darth Vader, want to come? Imperial Commando: Isn't his birthday, like 7 months from now? The Emperor: I know! Great disguise eh? Imperial Commando: Look, you can't do a party for someone at random times, for no reason! The Emperor: Darth Vader is doing one for me! Imperial Commando: How'd you find out about that? The Emperor: He told me about it. Imperial Commando: Why'd he tell you? It's a surprise party. The Emperor: For you! It's a surprise party for you! Imperial Commando: You just said he's doing one for YOU. The Emperor: Dang, I did. Imperial Commando: Right. The Emperor: Well, I've seriously screwed up. See you later. Imperial Commando: Yeah... Note Guy: (whispers something to Imperial Commando) Imperial Commando: (to readers) Well um... It seems we have been getting complaints from our foreign readers that there is too much English in this list. So, we will do the rest of the issue in Pig Latin. For those of you who don't know Pig Latin, I will explain. You take the first consonant(s) of a word, and put them at the end of the word, followed by 'ay' for example, Rebel is Ebelray. Darth Vader: Utbay ywhay igpay atinlay? Imperial Commando: eway ereway ettingay omplaintscay aboutay allay ethay Englishay ina isthay istlay. Jar Jar Binks: Ewwohay, Eesahmay Arjay Arjay Inksbay! (ANGBAY!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Icenay OTSHAY imperialay ommandocay! Darth Vader: Eyhay Admiralay Obbay IV! Erewhay isay Admiralay Obbay III isthay eekway? Admiral Bob IV: Ellway, ememberray ecentlyray ehay ashay adhay omesay illnessesay? Readers: WE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! SPEAK ENGLISH!!!! Imperial Commando: Okay. That was getting hard to understand. Darth Vader: Tell me about it! Admiral Bob IV: Oday ouyay? Imperial Commando: Bob, we stopped doing that already. Admiral Bob IV: Oh, oops. Imperial Commando: Now, Bob... Where is Admiral Bob III THIS week? Admiral Bob IV: At home. Imperial Commando: Well DUH. I mean what illness does he have THIS week? Admiral Bob IV: How do you know he has an illness this week? Imperial Commando: Darth, will you please? Darth Vader: Certainly. Anthrax, Ebola, E-Coli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, AIDS, Smallpox, Rabies, The Bends, Malaria, Lead Poisoning, Black Python Snake Bite, Radiation Sickness, and Tetnus. Imperial Commando: There. Now what does he have this week? Admiral Bob IV: A Pig Latin Overdose. Imperial Commando: WOAH! Darth Vader: WHAT!?! Imperial Commando: Did we cause that? Admiral Bob IV: I'm afraid so. Imperial Commando: DUUUUUUDE! That's AWESOME! Admiral Bob IV: Huh? Darth Vader: COOOL!!! Can I try it next week? Imperial Commando: Sure! Darth Vader: Now if only I had an idea... (Darth Vader from next week pops in) Darth Vader: Hey Darth. Darth Vader: Hey Darth! Darth Vader: What's up? Darth Vader: Not much. Imperial Commando: (looks around confused for a few seconds, then staples a sign that says "Future Darth" on the one that just popped in) Future Darth: OW! Imperial Commando: Sorry, I should have asked first. (Imperial Commando from a few seconds ago pops in) Past Imperial Commando: Yoink! (Past Imperial Commando goes back into his time with the "Future Darth" sign) Darth Vader: So THAT'S how you got it. Imperial Commando: Yeah. But if I got it from the future, where did that future self get it from? Darth Vader: His future? Imperial Commando: Right, and where did he get his? Darth Vader: HIS future? Imperial Commando: Yeah. Who actually made the sign? Darth Vader: You did. Imperial Commando: No, I stole it from the future... And the guy I got it from also stole it. And the guy he got it from also stole it... Darth Vader: Um, isn't that the sort of thing that smart people are supposed to think about. Imperial Commando: Oh. Oops. Darth Vader: But while we're talking about it, I was thinki- (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando. Future Darth: Where'd you get the gun? Imperial Commando: I stole it. Future Darth: From the future? Imperial Commando: No, from the local gun shop. Future Darth: Oh. Darth Vader: Woo! Boy, when you shot me I thought for SURE I was a goner. Imperial Commando: What happened? Darth Vader: Apparently my helmet is extra-thick, due to all the paint jobs I've had done on it. Imperial Commando: So um... hypothetically... if I were to shoot you again... where should I shoot you? Darth Vader: Hmm... Aiming for the chest never hurts. Imperial Commando: For the person shooting you mean. Darth Vader: Huh? Oh right. Yeah, it doesn't hurt the person shooting. Imperial Commando: All right. Darth Vader: Where were we? Imperial Commando: What the heck is Future Darth doing here? Darth Vader: Yeah, why DID you pop in here? Future Darth I came back to tell you what to do for next week. Darth Vader: Oh right that. Future Darth yeah, but now I can't remember what it is that Imperial Commando was letting me do next week. Imperial Commando: Hey, I don't remember either. Future Darth: Then you know what we have to do... Darth Vader: Yeah! Let's all go to the past! Imperial Commando: And hope that we don't damage the time-space continuum. Darth Vader: And what he said!(points to Imperial Commando) (They all pop into the past) Past Imperial Commando: There. Now what does he have this week? Past Admiral Bob IV: A Pig Latin Overdose. Imperial Commando: Hehe, I must be on drugs! Darth Vader: Cool. Me too! Past Imperial Commando: WOAH! Past Darth Vader: WHAT!?! Past Imperial Commando: Did we cause that? Past Admiral Bob IV: I'm afraid so. Past Imperial Commando: DUUUUUUDE! That's AWESOME! Past Admiral Bob IV: Huh? Past Darth Vader: COOOL!!! Can I try it next week? Past Imperial Commando: Sure! Darth Vader: Oh yeah.... Future Darth: Heya Past Darth. Past Darth Vader: Howdy. What are you guys doing here? Future Darth: Eh, we forgot what Imperial Commando was letting you do next week. Past Darth: Dang, I'm stupid in the future too? Future Darth: I'm afraid so. Past Imperial Commando: IMPERIAL COMMANDO! IS IT REALLY YOU?!? Imperial Commando: Wow, I AM self-centered! Past Imperial Commando: Can I have my autograph? Imperial Commando: Sure... It's $50.00 (Past Imperial Commando glares at Imperial Commando) Imperial Commando: Uhh... But for you, I mean, me, it's free. Past Imperial Commando: Thank you. Imperial Commando: (speaking to others) We should get out of here, FAST! Darth Vader: Right. Future Darth: Right. Past Darth: Right. Past Darth Vader: Now if only I had an idea... Future Darth: Oh yes. I'll tell you about that once we get back. (They all go back to the present... with Past Darth Vader) Future Darth: Well, I'm not REALLY allowed to tell you with the readers listening... Imperial Commando: Let's just turn down the volume on our speakers so that they can't hear us. (Imperial Commando turns down the volume on the speakers) Imperial Commando: Can you guys hear us now? Readers: Yes! Imperial Commando: Dangit! (Future Darth turns off the speakers) (Past Darth flips the speakers back on) Darth Vader: (laughing hysterically) That is the funniest thing EVER!!! I can't WAIT to do that next week. One question though.... Future Darth: Where did I get the idea? Darth Vader: Yeah. Future Darth: A week ago, my future self popped in and told me about it. Imperial Commando: Hey Darths, you know what THAT means? Darth Vader: Yes, sadly. We don't know where it actually came from. The Emperor: Guys... I have a probl-WOAH! THREE Darths? Darth Vader: Yup. Past Darth Vader: Sure is! Future Darth: That's us! The Emperor: If you aquired another Darth, what would you call him? Past Darth Vader: Dunno. Darth Vader: We'll worry about that when it happens, now Palpa Tine, what's your probl- Imperial Commando: WHEN it happens? Darth Vader: IF it happens. Imperial Commando: Now, for those of you aspiring writers who read this, what just happened is called foreshadowing. Darth Vader: Maybe, but where are we going to get another Darth? (Darth Vader from 2 weeks in the future pops in) Darth Vader: Hey Darth. Future Darth: Hello Darth. Past Darth: Hi Darth. Future Darth: What should we call you? Darth Vader from 2 weeks in the future: Call me... Umm.... Paul? Paul the Spy: hey! You cahn't use that name! That's my name! Darth Vader from 2 weeks in the future: What will you do if I want to be called Paul? Paul the Spy: You should know this. Darth Vader from 2 weeks blah blah blah: No, you aren't in the next couple episodes. Paul the Spy: I'll bash your face in! Imperial Commando: He bashes hard! Darth Vader from 2 weeks yap yap yap: I'll just be leaving then. Paul the Spy: You'd BETTER run. In two weeks I'll bash Darth's face in! Darth Vader: HEY! Paul the Spy: Sorry, it's not MY fault you'll be 'im in 2 weeks. Darth Vader: I still don't like it. Future Darth: EEP! That's only one week away for me! Paul the Spy from two weeks in the future: *popping in* No need to Paul, I'll do it for ya. Paul the Spy: You bloody idiot, I'll be YOU in two weeks. Paul the Spy from the Future: Oh, nevermind. Bye *pops* *no really, he popped like a balloon* Future Darth: I'm leaving too. Past Darth Vader: Me too, this is getting too weird. I'll be a few lines back, if anyone needs me. I'll be Darth Vader though, not Past Darth Vader. Darth Vader: Why? Imperial Commando: Don't bother trying to understand it. Darth Vader: All right. Bye you guys. (They all pop away... not just pop like poor Paul from the future) Imperial Commando: It suddenly got VERY quiet in here. Darth Vader: Tell me about it. Imperial Commando: Pong? Darth Vader: Sure. Imperial Commando: How about a Pong Tournament? Darth Vader: All week? Imperial Commando: All week. Paul the Spy: Can I join? Imperial Commando: No, you have to... Spy... or something. Paul the Spy: Aww. Darth Vader: You're going DOWN! Imperial Commando: You're going WAY down! Darth Vader: Well... YOU'RE going to... Aalderan! Imperial Commando: Bring it on!!! ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2001 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe(SEND IT TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!): the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(HA!): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando