******Episode 38****** of..... _______ _ ____ |~~~~~~~||:| / ~~~\ |:| |:|____ |:|_|:| |:| |:~~~~~| |:~~~/ |:| |:| |:| |:|___ |:| |:| |:| \~~~~| _____ __ __ _____ _______ _____ _____ |~~~~~| /~~\ /~~\ |~~~~~\ |~~~~~~~| |~~~~~\ |~~~~~| |:|__ /:/\:\ /:/\:\ |:|__|:| |:| |:|__|:| |:|__ |:~~~| /:/ \:\ /:/ \:\ |:~~~~/ |:| |:~~~~/ |:~~~| |:| /:/ \:\_/:/ \:\ |:| |:| |:| \:\ |:| |:|___ /:/ \~~~/ \:\ |:| __|:|__ |:| \:\ |:|___ |~~~~~| /:/ \:\ |:| |~~~~~~~| |:| \:\ |~~~~~| 'I'm not kidding, I would appreciate ideas for www.imperialcommando.com ' WHEN WE LAST LEFT OUR HEROES... ERR, MAKE THAT HERO, HE HAD GONE SOMEWHERE TO FIND HIS BIRTH RECORDS AND TO FIND OUT IF HE WAS AT LEAST PART BRITISH. THIS WEEK WE FIND OUT IMPERIAL COMMANDO'S SHOCKING SECRET!!! Imperial Commando: I was electrocuted!? Darth Vader: Well that's what it says! Imperial Commando: What about my parents? Darth Vader: Both 100% American. Imperial Commando: Wow, I'm part Indian, cool! Darth Vader: Yeah... Imperial Commando: So I was born American, and at age three I was electrocuted by a British fence, and aquired British hearing? Darth Vader: British looks too. Imperial Commando: Well, no WONDER I can't get a date. Darth Vader: Thank God you didn't get the British accent though. Imperial Commando: No kidding! Darth Vader: Yeah, so anyway... now that we're here and we've found everything we need, it's a week walk back. Imperial Commando: Guess so! ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2001 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe(SEND IT TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!): the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(HA!): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando Imperial Commando: Just kidding! Darth Vader: What? Imperial Commando: We'll fly back. That will only take a few seconds. Darth Vader: Okay. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . Imperial Commando: Yes, I'd like 3 Rebelburgers and Rebelcokes. Some guy: Would you like Rebelfries with that? Imperial Commando: Hmm... all right. Some guy: Is this for here or to go? Darth Vader: Dude, this is a drive through window... Some guy: Yeah... So is this for here or to go? Imperial Commando: Umm... Just give me my food. Some guy: All right. . . . . Imperial Commando: Ahh, home sweet home. Darth Vader: Yeah, it feels like we've been gone for a week! Imperial Commando: (stares at Darth for a few seconds, then smacks him on the back of the head) Darth Vader: Ow! Imperial Commando: Say, Darth... did you ever find out if you are part Zimbabwean? Darth Vader: Yeah, turns out I am. Imperial Commando: Gosh, how about that. Darth Vader: Yeah, and it turns out the Emperor is part Cuban. Imperial Commando: That MIGHT explain his addiction to the cigars... The Emperor: Did somebody say... Emperor! Darth Vader: Yeah, I did. The Emperor: Oh. (leaves) Darth Vader: Now, why did he do that? Imperial Commando: He only wants to annoy. If you actually said his name, it's not very annoying if he pops in. If I say.. Dorito for example, then he says - The Emperor: Did somebody say... Emperor? Imperial Commando: No, I said DORITO. The Emperor: EMPEROR. Imperial Commando: DORITO. The Emperor: EMPEROR!!! Imperial Commando: DORITO!!! The Emperor: EMEROR EMPEROR EMPEROR!!! Imperial Commando: DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! DORITO! Darth Vader: WOAH! Slow down there Mr. Commando! Every time you say Dorito, a large bag of Doritos appears in here. Imperial Commando: (swims over to darth, burried in bags of chips) Just EAT them as I say them! Darth Vader: I tried that earlier... there was a traffic jam in my throat. Imperial Commando: Prove it. Darth Vader: (turns on the news) See! Imperial Commando: See what? Reporter dude: Wait... this was just handed to me.. There is a traffic jam in Darth Vader's throat! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Imperial Commando: Wow, he's good. Darth Vader: Well, he certainly acts like a reporter... (changes channels) (A bunch of news reporters are all holding up signs saying "THE END IS HERE") Imperial Commando: Yes, just look at how optimistic they are. Darth Vader: Yeah. Imperial Commando: Yup. Darth Vader: Can I ask a stupid question? Imperial Commando: Yes... Oh, you mean ANOTHER one? Darth Vader: Yeah. Imperial Commando: Go ahead. Darth Vader: Does this issue ever... you know... get to a plot? Imperial Commando: No... we just blabber on and on for a while, occasionally telling dumb jokes, and The Emperor pops in at random times, and says dumb things like- The Emperor: (pops in) Woah, my tongue is green! Darth Vader: How-? Imperial Commando: Don't ask. I don't want to know. Darth Vader: Okay. Paul the Spy: (pops in) Howdy mates! Darth Vader: What? Imperial Commando: He's British, remember? Darth Vader: Yeah, I remember... I just couldn't understand what he said. Imperial Commando: He said: "Howdy mates!" Darth Vader: Speak up! Imperial Commando: "Howdy Mates!" Darth Vader: What? Imperial Commando: I SAID HOWDY MATES!!!!!!! Darth Vader: Imperial Commando, you're just gonna have to speak up. Imperial Commando: I was speaking loud enough for you to hear me! You're right next to me! Darth Vader: What did you say? Imperial Commando: I said I was speaking plenty loud enough! Darth Vader: What? Imperial Commando: What do you think Paul? Paul the Spy: I'd say he has a hearing problem. Imperial Commando: Hmmm... I saw an add for some hearing aids... no, nevermind, those were for horses. Paul the Spy: Um.. a hearing aid for horses? Imperial Commando: Yeah. Brett the Horse: (pops in) Yes, and they work great! Paul the Spy: I see... Darth Vader: WHAT? Paul the Spy: Nothing. Darth Vader: SPEAK UP!!!!! Imperial Commando: I think this has happened to us before. Last time, someone set Darth Vader's body on "old man" Paul the Spy: He seems to be walking just fine though. Imperial Commando: Perhaps we should ask him what the problem is. Paul the Spy: What? Imperial Commando: (takes off Darth's earmuffs) What's the problem? Darth Vader: What problem? Imperial Commando: Bingo. He was wearing earmuffs. Jar Jar Binks: Hewwo! Meesah Jar Jar Binksa! Meesah likes earmuffsa! Imperial Commando: Hey Paul, watch this! (BANG!!!) Jar Jar Binks: AAAHHHH!!!sa My eye! Yousa shot meesah in the eye!!!!! Imperial Commando: Oops, that's not where I was aiming.. (BANG!!!) Jar Jar Binks: YOUSA SHATTERED MY LEGSA!!! Imperial Commando: Man, my aim is WAAAYY off today. (BANG!!!) Jar Jar Binks: MY TOESA!!!! YOU SHOT MY TOESA!!! Imperial Commando: Aww, dangit. Jar Jar, can you stop that? you're getting blood all over the floor. Jar Jar Binks: OOH! THE PAINSA!! THE PAINSA!!! Imperial Commando: Hey Paul, hand me that blaster. (Paul hands Imperial Commando a blaster) (PFFFFT!!!) (a little flag pops out of the front of the blaster that says "TSEW!") Imperial Commando: A REAL blaster. (Paul hands Imperial Commando a real blaster) (TSSEW!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice, um... shot there Imperial Commando. Really bad other shots, but boy, that last one... Darth Vader: Hey Bob, where's Bob III this week? Imperial Commando: First, Darth, recite all the other stuff he's had. Darth Vader: Certainly. Anthrax, Ebola, E-Coli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, AIDS, Smallpox, Rabies, The Bends, Malaria, Lead Poisoning, Black Python Snake bite, and Radiation sickness. Imperial Commando: That's quite a mouthful. Darth Vader: Sure is. Admiral Bob IV: Well, this week he has Tetnus Imperial Commando: Is that fatal. Admiral Bob IV: (shrugs) Who cares? Imperial Commando: Well, I would have thought you would, but I guess... nevermind. Admiral Bob IV: Are you saying that- Imperial Commando: WOAH there Bob... I don't pay you to say any more than you already did. So I suggest you stop that. Paul the Spy: The British are coming! The British are coming. Darth Vader: Hmm... (a bag of white powder falls out of Paul's pocket) Darth Vader: Thought so. Imperial Commando: (examines the white powder) I KNEW it! He has been stealing from my stash! Paul the Spy: Have not! Imperial Commando: Have TOO! Paul the Spy: NOT! Imperial Commando: TOO! Paul the Spy: NOT! Imperial Commando: TOO! Paul the Spy: Okay. Imperial Commando: TOO! What? Oh. Darth Vader: Hey guys, look what I found! Imperial Commando: What? Darth Vader: An attack plan of the Rebels. Imperial Commando: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Darth Vader: Yes, quick, get a trash can! Imperial Commando: (stares at Darth for a few seconds, then smacks him on the back of the head) Idiot. The Emperor: Did somebody say... EMPEROR!? Imperial Commando: No, I said IDIOT. The Emperor: Eh, same thing. Anyway, I hear you've found the Rebel's attack plan. Imperial Commando: I sure have. Darth Vader: *I* found it though. Imperial Commando: Whatever. The Emperor: So... Anyone want cheese? Imperial Commando: No thanks. Darth Vader: No. The Emperor: Bud The Emperor, Clone 1: Weis The Emperor, Clone 2: Er. (BANG!!!) (BANG!!!) (BANG!!!) Darth Vader: Hehe, that was pretty funny. Imperial Commando: Funny THIS! (FUNNY!!!) Darth Vader: Um.. Mr. Commando sir, um... (FUNNY!!!) Imperial Commando: Is this thing working? (FUNNY!!!) Darth Vader: You've had too many drugs... It's MY turn now! Imperial Commando: What? Darth Vader: Yoink! Imperial Commando: Huh? Darth Vader: (snorts) Imperial Commando: That's MINE!!! Yoink! Darth Vader: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!!!!! This stuff is AWESOME!!! Imperial Commando: (puts a lead weight in the bag of.. um, powder, and smacks Darth with it) That'll teach you! Darth Vader: Man, I gotta get me some of this! Imperial Commando: (gets an idea) (IDEA!!!) Darth Vader: What? Imperial Commando: (Puts some powdered sugar in a zip-lock bag) Here ya go. Darth Vader: SNORT! DUDE! This stuff is even better! Imperial Commando: Huh? Let ME try that! Darth Vader: (hands Imperial Commando the powdered sugar, and steals the REAL drugs) Hehehe. Police Man: Okay, Imperial Commando, you're coming with me. Imperial Commando: What? Why? Police Man: You're not being funny. Imperial Commando: What? Police Man: Well, your mailing list thing is supposed to be funny, right? Imperial Commando: Right... Police Man: And this issue hasn't been funny, right? Imperial Commando: Right. Police Man: (slips the handcuffs on Imperial Commando) Right. So you're coming with me. Imperial Commando: Okay, but can I get one thing first? Police Man: I don't see why not. Imperial Commando: (grabs his drugs from Darth Vader) Okay, let's go. Police man: (as they're walking out) Hey, can I have some of that? Imperial Commando: Sure, it's $200 for half- ~~~~~~Then, in Jail~~~~~~ Robber: Hey buddy, what are you in for? Imperial Commando: Not being funny. Robber: Ooh. Tough man. I robbed a Bank Robber's Gang. Imperial Commando: Oh.... I..... see...... Shoplifter: What's that smell? Imperial Commando: What smell? Oh THAT smell. That'd be me. You get used to it after a while. Police Dude: I can't believe I locked myself in here with you guys. Drunk Driver: Eh. Police Dude: Can someone open this thing!? I do NOT belong in here! Police Cheif: SUUUUUURE ya don't. Sheeesh, they all say the same thing. (whiney voice) I was framed! waah waah waah! Police Dude: John, I am your co-worker! I locked myself in here by ACCIDENT. Police Cheif: Believe me, you're not the first person to use THAT lame excuse. Police Dude: All right, who in here also used that excuse? Robber: Me. Police Dude: Anyone else? Imperial Commando: Me. Police Dude: No you didn't, you just got here! Police Cheif: Yeah, he did. Police Dude: NO, he DIDN'T! Police Cheif: YES, he DID! Police Dude: I swear, if I ever get out of here... Imperial Commando: Guys, can I get out soon? I have to write next week's issue of The Empire! Police Cheif: Hey... I've heard of that! Imperial Commando: So you're going to let me go? Police Cheif: No! I could make a LOT of money with you here! I could charge people to watch you write, I could charge people to see you.... Imperial Commando: Riiiiiiiiiight... TUNE IN WEXT NEEK, WHEN WE FIND OUT IF IMPERIAL COMMANDO JETS OUT OF GAIL Pssst, hey... you misspelled some stuff... WHO CARES? I do. WELL THEN STUFF IT UP YOUR A- ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2001 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe(SEND IT TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!): the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(HA!): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando