******Episode 37****** of..... _______ _ ____ |~~~~~~~||:| / ~~~\ |:| |:|____ |:|_|:| |:| |:~~~~~| |:~~~/ |:| |:| |:| |:|___ |:| |:| |:| \~~~~| _____ __ __ _____ _______ _____ _____ |~~~~~| /~~\ /~~\ |~~~~~\ |~~~~~~~| |~~~~~\ |~~~~~| |:|__ /:/\:\ /:/\:\ |:|__|:| |:| |:|__|:| |:|__ |:~~~| /:/ \:\ /:/ \:\ |:~~~~/ |:| |:~~~~/ |:~~~| |:| /:/ \:\_/:/ \:\ |:| |:| |:| \:\ |:| |:|___ /:/ \~~~/ \:\ |:| __|:|__ |:| \:\ |:|___ |~~~~~| /:/ \:\ |:| |~~~~~~~| |:| \:\ |~~~~~| 'Working on a website, www.imperialcommando.com . Have any comments or suggestions for it?' Medic: There's a hole in your ego big enough to fly a STAR DESTROYER through. Imperial Commando: So? Medic: SO?! That's HUGE! Imperial Commando: Not compared to my ego... Medic: Well... Your face is also bashed in from last week... as is Darth Vader's Imperial Commando: Hold on... (puts his thumb in his mouth, then blows, and his face pops back to normal) Imperial Commando: There! Medic: Woah, that works in real life!? Imperial Commando: Umm... sure... Medic: Man, that would have saved me a LOT of time 10 years ago. Imperial Commando: Why's that? Medic: I don't want to talk about it. Imperial Commando: All right, now can I get back to ruling the Galactic Empire? Medic: Go ahead... Imperial Commando: Thanks. (Imperial Commando beams to the third death star) Imperial Commando: Hey, waitaminute... Scotti: Captain! We've got hold of someone from Star Wars, what shall I do? Captain Kirk: Um... Imperial Commando: Okay, what are you guys doing on the third death star, and why did I beam here? Spock: Logical questions... (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob III: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando! Captain Kirk: SPOCK!!!! Imperial Commando: Speck? Captain Kirk: No, Spock. Imperial Commando: Hehe, what a dumb name! Captain Kirk: Yeah... I've never liked Star Trek anyway, can I join you? Imperial Commando: Hmm.... nah, the readers would get mad. Captain Kirk: All right. (Imperial Commando beams back to the REAL third death star) Imperial Commando: Sheesh, the things that happen to me when I'm on drugs! Darth Vader: Hey Mr. Commando, did you see that Admiral Bob III is here this week? Imperial Commando: Why... why yes, he is... Admiral Bob III: Oh no... I think I'm feeling sick... Darth Vader: Right on schedule... Imperial Commando: Let me see that schedule! (Darth Vader hands Imperial Commando the schedule) Imperial Commando: Yeah, according to this he's supposed to get... radiation sickness? Admiral Bob III: I think I'm gonna.... lie down for a minute... Imperial Commando: Hey Darth, can you recite everything he's had now? Darth Vader: Sure... Anthrax, Ebola, E-Coli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, AIDS, Smallpox, Rabies, the Bends, Malaria, Lead poisoning, Black Python snake bite, and now Radiation Sickness. Imperial Commando: Wow, we're running out of terminal illnesses! Darth Vader: What do you mean? Imperial Commando: Nothing... Paul the Spy: Hey guys! Imperial Commando: Howdy, Paul! Paul the Spy: Yeah, we've been having problems in the Spy's Centre... the guys ordered Fly Soup, and there was a waiter in it... Darth Vader: What? Imperial Commando: I'm on drugs. Darth Vader: Oh... Again? Imperial Commando: Sadly, yes. Darth Vader: And while we're talking about doing drugs, kids, don't do drugs. Imperial Commando: Anyway, Paul.. um... We can't really do anything about it... did you try bashing the waiter's face in? Paul the Spy: Yes, several times. Imperial Commando: What about bashing everyone else's face in? Paul the Spy: I tried that also. The Emperor: Ow, someone bashed my face in... Imperial Commando: The Emperor wasn't in the Spy's Center! Paul the Spy: I know... I got a little carried away. Darth Vader: Hey, my face is still bashed from last week too! Imperial Commando: Well, you know what to do. (Darth Vader puts his thumb in his mouth and-) Darth Vader: OW! Imperial Commando: What happened? Did you bite your thumb? Darth Vader: No, I forgot I was wearing this stupid helmet, *rubs his thumb* (takes a deep breath, takes of his helmet, puts his thumb in his mouth, then blows, and his face pops back to normal) Darth Vader: There! Now then, what were we doing? Imperial Commando: Darth, your helmet... Darth Vader: What? Oh right. (Darth Vader puts his helmet back on) Imperial Commando: (turns to paul) Well, just order another Fly Soup, then. Paul the Spy: Hmm... All right.(walks back to the Spy Center) (The Emperor puts his thumb in his mouth, then blows, and his face pops back to "normal") Imperial Commando: Now then... Darth. I came to talk to you about our next Rebel attack. Darth Vader: Leave that to me. Imperial Commando: What? But I had it all planned out! Darth Vader: I know, I've just always wanted to say that. Imperial Commando: But... you DO say that. In the movies, remember? Darth Vader: Oh, right. Imperial Commando: Moving right along... About the attack, We've been designing some new TIES, and we're going to be testing out their ability to fight in our next attack. Darth Vader: Isn't that something that is done, I don't know, in simulations? Imperial Commando: Don't tell Jar Jar that! Jar Jar Binks: Tell me whatsa? Imperial Commando: Nothing. Darth Vader: I see... How well is this new TIE designed? Imperial Commando: I hired my son to do it.. Darth Vader: Isn't your son like 6 months old? Imperial Commando: *nods* yep, almost 7 months! Darth Vader: Will there be anyone flying them other than Jar Jar? Imperial Commando: Not that I can think of. Darth Vader: Hehe, Excellent. Imperial Commando: Yes. I also have Jar Jar scheduled to fly in front of Luke... he NEVER misses. Darth Vader: True, true. Paul the Spy: (with his face bashed in) It didn't work. Imperial Commando: Good lord! What happened?!? Paul the Spy: It turns out the waiter is British too! (Paul puts his thumb in his mouth, then blows, and his face pops back to normal) Paul the Spy: He didn't take kindly to having us order another soup, so he bashed my face in. Imperial Commando: So we can expect that you won't be bashing anyone's face in anymore, since now you know what it feels like? Paul the Spy: Goodness no, I'll be doubling my face-bashings, in hopes of taking out my anger on you guys. Zab: Imperial Commando, this is getting REALLY old, including me in these issues... Imperial Commando: Hey Paul, instead of bashing ALL of our faces in, there's someone whose face you could bash in, and everyone would enjoy it... Paul the Spy: Who's that? Imperial Commando: Jar Jar Binks. Paul the Spy: I've heard of him.. what's he look like? (Imperial Commando nods to the guard at the door) Jar Jar Binks: *walking in* Meesah Jar Jar Binksa! (BASH!!!!!!!) Imperial Commando: (impressed) Nice BASH, Paul the Spy! Admiral Bob IV: That's MY line!!! Admiral Bob V: Nice STEALING of Admiral bob IV's line Imperial Commando! Darth Vader: Can I have a line now? __________________ Darth Vader: Ha, ha. Imperial Commando: So, um... Darth... Darth Vader: Yes? The Emperor: Yes? Darth Vader: No. Imperial Commando: No. The Emperor: Maybe? Darth Vader: No. Imperial Commando: Maybe. Paul the Spy: What? Darth Vader: Where? Imperial Commando: Who? The Emperor: When? Darth Vader: Why? Imperial Commando: How? Darth Vader: What? Imperial Commando: No. Darth Vader: Yes? Imperial Commando: We're testing some OTHER new TIES... safe ones. Darth Vader: Oh? Paul the Spy: Oh. The Emperor: WOAH, COOL! I can bash my own face in! Imperial Commando: Darth? Darth Vader: No, I don't want to talk to him. Imperial Commando: Well, I'M not getting near him! The Emperor: I'll do it! Darth Vader: Okay, he's in the room, that's just beyond the door marked "Suicide Chambers" The Emperor: Thanks! Imperial Commando: Now, these new TIES will have some stuff, and some other stuff... It will have leather seats, a radio, a TV, and as usual, no life-support, no ejection system, no hyper drive, and of course no wimpy sheilds. Blue Leader: (Snickers) Darth vader: (sarcastically) Good idea! Imperial Commando: Yeah, I designed it myself! Blue Leader: (Snickers) Imperial Commando: Yoink! (Steals and eats a snickers bar) Darth Vader: (under his breath) Bloody idiot. Paul the Spy: I heard that! Darth Vader: Heard what? Paul the Spy: What you said just now! I might have to bash your face in for that! Imperial Commando: Darth... you forgot about the British hearing again, didn't you? Darth Vader: (looking down) Yes. Paul the Spy: And just what is THAT supposed to mean, Imperial Commando? Imperial Commando: It means you heard what I said, and you were on completely opposite sides of the Death Star III from me. Paul the Spy: But you're hearing me too! Imperial Commando: Hmmm, maybe I'm British too... Darth Vader: Who are you talking to? Imperial Commando: Paul... We both seem to have really good hearing. I think maybe I'm at least partially British. (BOOM!!!) The Emperor: YYAAAAAHHHOOOOO!!!!! Darth Vader: What the- Imperial Commando: -hell? The Emperor: Woah! Being shot out of a cannon is FUN! Darth Vader: I have an idea... Imperial Commando: I know. No, you may NOT launch The Emperor out of a really, really big cannon, at a brick wall. Darth Vader: Darn... how about a cement wall? Imperial Commando: No, and I'm going down to The Imperial Center to see if I'm British... Darth Vader: I'll come with you, I think I might be partially Zimbabwean. Imperial Commando: *stares at Darth for a few seconds* All right, but behave. Darth Vader: All right. Imperial Commando: It's a week walk from here, so we'd better get started. Darth Vader: Right. Hey, that's just in time for next issue! Imperial Commando: Hey, you're right, what a coincedince! TUNE IN NEXT TIME, WHERE WE FIND THE SHOCKING TRUTH OF WHETHER OR NOT IMPERIAL COMMANDO IS PART BRITISH!!! ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2001 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe(SEND IT TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!): the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(HA!): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando