******Episode 36****** of..... _______ _ ____ |~~~~~~~||:| / ~~~\ |:| |:|____ |:|_|:| |:| |:~~~~~| |:~~~/ |:| |:| |:| |:|___ |:| |:| |:| \~~~~| _____ __ __ _____ _______ _____ _____ |~~~~~| /~~\ /~~\ |~~~~~\ |~~~~~~~| |~~~~~\ |~~~~~| |:|__ /:/\:\ /:/\:\ |:|__|:| |:| |:|__|:| |:|__ |:~~~| /:/ \:\ /:/ \:\ |:~~~~/ |:| |:~~~~/ |:~~~| |:| /:/ \:\_/:/ \:\ |:| |:| |:| \:\ |:| |:|___ /:/ \~~~/ \:\ |:| __|:|__ |:| \:\ |:|___ |~~~~~| /:/ \:\ |:| |~~~~~~~| |:| \:\ |~~~~~| 'Woo hoo! a battle issue!' Imperial Commando: Did you bring me the, err... keys that I asked for? Darth Vader: Keys... Lord Commando? Imperial Commando: Don't call me that! Keys, you know.. like the space keys, colons, periods commas, semicolons... Darth Vader: We don't have the semicolons sir. Imperial Commando: What?!?! Where are they? Darth Vader: The Rebels stole them sir. Imperial Commando: WHEN!?! Darth Vader: Last week. Weren't you listening? You TYPED the issue, you aught to know! Imperial Commando: You'd think so, wouldn't you? Blue Leader: (Misterously appears on the main screen) WE have the semicolons. We will launch our attack within the next 90 seconds. (transmition ends) Darth Vader: Who was THAT? Imperial Commando: My brother. (sighs) So, did you bring the keys back from the Super Star Destroyer that contains my ego? Darth Vader: Yes....... Imperial Commando: What do you MEAN "......."? Darth Vader: Well, um.. The Rebels attacked this morning already. Imperial Commando: What were thet doing up so early? It's Monday, they should sleep in! Darth Vader: Well apparently these (makes quotationg fingers) "Rebels" have these things called "morals" and a "work ethic" Imperial Commando: That SERIOUSLY ticks me off! My first order for the afternoon is to look up those words! Darth Vader: Afternoon, sir? Imperial Commando: Oh just do it! Darth Vader: Right! ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Darth Vader: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!!!! ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Imperial Commando: No kidding?! ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Darth Vader: No, sir. ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Imperial Commando: I think it's over... Darth Vader: Yeah, maybe... ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Imperial Technician: Lord Commando! They've destroyed our shields! Imperial Commando: Right. That gives me an idea. PREPARE MY EGO! Darth Vader: Eggo, sir? Imperial Commando: No, not eggo, EGO! Darth Vader: Mmm.... Eggo.... Why do we need your ego? Imperial Commando: We need a shield for the ship, don't we? Darth Vader: Yes, but... your ego... won't it get hurt? Imperial Commando: No one would ever notice... it's too big already. Darth Vader: Yeah, all right... Imperial Commando: And STOP USING ALL THE .s, we need them to attack the Rebels! ~~~~~~5 minutes later~~~~~~ Darth Vader: Yo, um..... Mr. Commando? Imperial Commando: (looks up from his poker game) Now what? Darth Vader: Um, the guys have a question. Which is the most powerful of our weapons? Colons, periods, commas, or space keys? Imperial Commando: Colons, they're the biggest. Then commas, periods, then the space key, well... I don't think that's gonna do anything. Even if we launch 1000000 of them at the Rebels. ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Imperial Commando: What was THAT!? Darth Vader: Sorry... I burped. (The com screen comes back to life) Blue Leader: ...and commas are more powerfull than periods due to their larger size. Therefore, the lowely semicolon is more powerfull than a full colon. (And it fades out... Again) Darth Vader: What the f- Imperial Commando: We couldn't afford a good narrator this week; the- Rebel Spy: Give us back that semicolon! (BANG!) (BANG!) (BANG!BANG!BANG!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: As I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted, the keys cost too much. Darth Vader: Hey Bob, where's Admiral Bob III this week? Admiral Bob IV: Can either of you remember all of the stuff from previous weeks? Darth Vader: Nope. Imperial Commando: Sorry. Admiral Bob IV: He had (inhales deeply) Anthrax, Ebola, Ecoli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, AIDS, Smallpox, Rabies, The Bends, and Malaria. Darth Vader: I'm noticing a pattern here... Admiral Bob IV: What's that? Darth Vader: He seems to be sick every week, doesn't he? Admiral Bob IV: Yeah... (silence) Imperial Commando: Weren't you going to say something, Darth? Darth Vader: I already did. Imperial Commando: What was that? Darth Vader: That he's sick every week. Imperial Commando: (sighs) So, Bob... What's Admiral Bob III have this week? Admiral Bob IV: Lead poisoning. Darth Vader: I know someone who had that once... Imperial Commando: Who? The Emperor: I had that once! Imperial Commando: Oh. ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; KK KK A BBBBBB OOOO OOOO MMMM MMMM KK KK AAA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM KK KK AA AA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM KKK AA AA ---- BBBBBB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM KKK AAAAAAAAA ---- BBBBBB OO OO OO OO MM MM MM MM KK KK AAAAAAAAA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MMM MM KK KK AA AA BB BB OO OO OO OO MM MM KK KK AA AA BBBBBB OOOO OOOO MM MM Blue Leader: Nice SHOT Wedge! Wedge: Yeah... Wow, we made a hole in the ego sheild! Imperial Commando: NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!! MY EGO!!!! Wedge: Wow, look at it deflate! Imperial Commando: D-D... De-De-Deflat? Wedge: Cool, it's shriveling up! Zab Karrie: I SAID I didn't want to be in this stupid issue! Wedge: Who-? Blue Leader: was-? Imperial Commando: Don't ask. Blue Leader: All right. Hey Bro! Imperial Commando: Yo. Blue Leader: So.... How are things? Imperial Commando: Things? (narrows his eyes) Why do you ask? Blue Leader: I can't think of anything else to say... Imperial Commando: Well, what were we talking about before that reader made the guest appearance? Blue Leader: Well, Wedge shot- Imperial Commando: MY EGO!!!! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! (Looks around for a shaft to throw himself down) Imperial Commando: Dangit, don't you guys keep any extremely deep shafts around here? Blue Leader: Try that door, the one marked "air lock." Imperial Commando: Oh no, I'm not falling for THAT trick again. Blue Leader: But it's just so darn FUNNY! Imperial Commando: Hahaha... REAL funny. I'll just be getting back to my ship now... Blue Leader: What ship? Imperial Commando: You destroyed my ship!?! Blue Leader: Kinda... Imperial Commando: HOW DARE YOU DESTROY MY SHIP!!!! (Imperial Commando grabs the nearest object he can, which happens to be a chair, and throws it at Blue Leader) Crowd: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! Imperial Commando: This is just getting weird, I'm out of here! ~~~~~~Shortly after, on the 3rd Death Star~~~~~~ (Imperial Commando walks in the room) (Darth Vader points to Imperial Spy) (Imperial Spy points to Darth Vader) Both at the same time: It's his fault! Imperial Commando: ... What? Imperial Spy: (with a British accent) 'Ow is it my fault? Darth Vader: You should have TOLD us that Wedge would be shooting! Imperial Spy: 'Ow the bloody hell was *I* supposed't know that? Imperial Commando: Okay, that's it. I'm lost. First question. WHY did we hire a British spy? Imperial Spy: Well I can't 'elp it if *I'M* the best man for the job! Darth Vader: Damn British! Imperial Spy: I'll bash your bloody face in! I will! Imperial Commando: You'd better do as he says. I once got on the wrong side of a British guy... They can hit HARD! Darth Vader: Wimp. (BASH!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice... um... bash... Mr... err... What's your name? Imperial Spy: Paul. Admiral Bob IV: Have a last name? Imperial Spy: 'Ang on, let me check the script... ~~~~~~Five minutes later...~~~~~~ Paul the Spy: Nope. Admiral Bob IV: Have we done the sickness thing this week? Imperial Commando: Yeah, but let's do it again. Admiral Bob IV: Know all the previous ones? Imperial Commando: No. Usually Darth recites them, but... well... Paul here bashed his bloody face in. Paul the Spy: Watch your language! Imperial Commando: What'd I say? Paul the Spy: "Bloody" Imperial Commando: BLOODY is a bad word? Paul the Spy: Yes, and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop. Imperial Commando: All right, sorry. Anyway, I think I have a list here somewhere, Bob. Ah, here it is. Anthrax, Ebola, E-Coli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, AIDS, Smallpox, Rabies, The Bends, Malaria, and Lead Poisoning. Admiral Bob IV: Yes, well this time he got bitten by a Black Python snake. Imperial Commando: A what now? Admiral Bob IV: It's one of the most poisonous snakes in the world. I think you die within about 4 hours of being bitten by one. Imperial Commando: But this is fiction so he won't die. Admiral Bob IV: When we run out of ideas for fatal illnesses he will. Imperial Commando: What did you say? Admiral Bob IV: Nothing... Paul the Spy: Well, using my experience as a spy, I'd say your keeping him sick! Admiral Bob IV: Um... okay. Imperial Commando: Good, now that THAT'S cleared up... WHO THE HELL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR LOSS!?! Paul the Spy: (points to Darth) Him! Imperial Commando: It'll take WEEKS to recover from this! We have to rebuild MY ship! The one with the jacuzzi, and bowling alley, and the casino, and the- Paul the Spy: You'd better stop that. Imperial Commando: Oh, what are you going to do if I don't? (BASH!!!) ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2001 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe(SEND IT TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!): the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(HA!): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando