******Episode 35****** of..... _______ _ ____ |~~~~~~~||:| / ~~~\ |:| |:|____ |:|_|:| |:| |:~~~~~| |:~~~/ |:| |:| |:| |:|___ |:| |:| |:| \~~~~| _____ __ __ _____ _______ _____ _____ |~~~~~| /~~\ /~~\ |~~~~~\ |~~~~~~~| |~~~~~\ |~~~~~| |:|__ /:/\:\ /:/\:\ |:|__|:| |:| |:|__|:| |:|__ |:~~~| /:/ \:\ /:/ \:\ |:~~~~/ |:| |:~~~~/ |:~~~| |:| /:/ \:\_/:/ \:\ |:| |:| |:| \:\ |:| |:|___ /:/ \~~~/ \:\ |:| __|:|__ |:| \:\ |:|___ |~~~~~| /:/ \:\ |:| |~~~~~~~| |:| \:\ |~~~~~| 'Darth Vader: Does it strike you as at all odd that... well, you know... we're fighting the rebels with punctuation keys and a space key?' Imperial Commando: Huh, wha? Time for another issue of 'The Empire' again? Well... Here you go. It's not edited yet, so it'll be a little, oh... Bizarre. But then again... find an issue that ISN'T. Imperial Dude: Lord Vader! I've ordered all of the keys to attack the rebels... I'm going to my room to hide like a scared puppy. Darth Vader: Same as last week? Imperial Dude: No, not quite... I forgot my blankey last week. Darth Vader: All right... um... you do that, all right? Imperial Dude: Sir! Darth Vader: What a weirdo. I KNEW Imperial Commando shouldn't have hired him! But would he listen to me? NOOO! Imperial Commando: Hey there Darth! Darth Vader: Shut up. Imperial Commando: What'd I do this time? Darth Vader: You hired that weirdo! Imperial Commando: Which one? Darth Vader: The one who always hides in his room! Imperial Commando: That doesn't narrow it down much.. Darth Vader: GRR!!! Imperial Commando: Down boy! I know who you're talking about... what's wrong with him? Darth Vader: I just TOLD you! Imperial Commando: Grr? Darth Vader: NO, beFORE that! Imperial Commando: It's not like he's a storm trooper or anything... Darth Vader: Still... it's hard to work with him! Imperial Commando: All right, I'll fire him. Now.. next order of business... Where are we going to put all these... these... punctuation keys and the space keys. Darth Vader: Hey, remember that time you wrote plot holes to store all your lunches? Imperial Commando: Can we... not talk about that now? Darth Vader: Sure, sorry. The Emperor: Hey guys! Imperial Commando: Oh- Darth Vader: -no! Imperial Commando: Not- Darth Vader: -him! The Emperor: Thank you, thank you! Hey! did you know that if you stick your finger REALLY far up your nose, you ca- Imperial Commando: Palpa Tine... that's REALLY not appropriate... The Emperor: As I was saying... If you stick your finger REALLY far up your no- Darth Vader: Palpa Tine, you'd better stop, I mean it. The Emperor: -nose, then you can feel your brai- (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando! Darth Vader: Where's Admiral Bob III THIS week? Admiral Bob IV: Well, remember in past weeks, he's- Imperial Commando: WAIT! I think I know this one... Ok. First he had Anthrax, then Ebola, E-Coli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, AIDS, Smallpox, Rabies, and last week, he had the Bends. Darth Vader: Oh yeah.. eww.. I forgot about that. Admiral Bob IV: Yeah.. well anyway, this week he has Malaria. Imperial Commando: He's got some REALLY bad luck, huh? Admiral Bob IV: Tell me about it! Imperial Commando: Oh, and I need to talk to you. About your contract, you've been promoted. Amazingly enough, YOU are the character that has screwed up the least in the whole little over a year that The Empire has been around. Admiral Bob IV: I've only been around for 11 weeks... Imperial Commando: Oh you whine too much... just sit back and ENJOY getting an extra 4 cents a day! Admiral Bob IV: Ok. See you next time you shoot someone! Imperial Commando: That won't be too long...(winks) Darth Vader: Ok... Where were we? Imperial Commando: Um... I think we were discussing where to put all the keys we're going to launch at the Rebels. Darth Vader: Thanks, I AM hungry. Imperial Commando: I said "LAUNCH" Darth Vader: Oh. But can we still eat soon? Imperial Commando: Oh... All right. But first... where shall we store the keys? Darth Vader: Hmmm.... Imperial Commando: Hmmm.... Darth Vader: Hmmm.... Imperial Commando: Hmmm.... Darth Vader: (huge inhale, then) HHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM........ Imperial Commando: (imitating Darth) HHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM........ Darth Vader: Hm. Imperial Commando: hm. Darth Vader: No, that wasn't it, I said 'Hm' with a capital H. Imperial Commando: Darn! Darth Vader: Darn! Imperial Commando: Huh? Darth Vader: Huh? Imperial Commando: Are you repeating everything I say? Darth Vader: Are you repeating everything I say? Imperial Commando: goop. Darth Vader: goop. Imperial Commando: GOOP. Darth Vader: GOOP. Imperial Commando: (shouting)GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!! (Imperial Spy walks in the room) Darth Vader: (shouting)GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!! Imperial Spy: Err. Is this a bad time? Imperial Commando: Not at all! Darth Vader: Not at all! Imperial Spy: Good, I have urgent news! Imperial Commando: What is it? Darth Vader: What is it? Imperial Spy: Why is he repeating everything you say? Imperial Commando: Eh... what can I say? He's Darth Vader. Darth Vader: Eh... what can I say? He's Darth Vader. Imperial Commando: That's getting REALLY annoying Darth. Darth Vader: That's getting REALLY annoying Darth. (Imperial Commando motions for Admiral Bob IV to come back) Darth Vader: I'LL STOP!! I'LL STOP!! Imperial Commando: Never mind Bob! Admiral Bob IV: Aww. Darth Vader: Hey, I have an idea for where we can keep the stuff we're going to launch at the Rebels! Imperial Commando: Where? Darth Vader: Imperial Commando: STOP USING UP VALUABLE SPACE KEYS!!! Darth Vader: Oops. Jar Jar Binks: Hewwo! Meesah Jar Ja- (BANG!!!) Jar Jar Binks: OOOOWWWWWSAAAA!!!!!!! Yousa SHOT meesah! Yousa shot meesah in the armsa! (BANG!!!) Jar Jar Binks: OOWWWWSSAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Yousa shot meesah in the foot!!! (BANG!!!) Jar Jar Binks: OWSA OWSA OWSA OWSA OWSA!!!!!! Yousa shot meesah in the legsa!!!!!!! Imperial Commando: Jar Jar, why don't you just crawl over to that corner over there, all right? Jar Jar Binks: OWWWSA!!! YESSA. Imperial Commando: Great.. what were we talking about? Darth Vader: Where are we going to store the keys. I have an idea. Imperial Commando: What's that? Darth Vader: We can store them in your ego! Imperial Commando: Hey, you're right! That's PLENTY big enough to hold all of them! Darth Vader: Yeah. Just one question, where do YOU keep your ego? Morpheus: The ego is everywhere. It is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you to church, when you pay your taxes. It is- Imperial Commando: I keep my ego in an empty Star Destroyer. Darth Vader: That small? Imperial Commando: It folds up! Darth Vader: Wow, really? Mine doesn't do that. Mine just sorta sits there and occasionally shrinks whenever you yell at me. Imperial Commando: I don't yell at you. Darth Vader: Yeah, you do. Imperial Commando: NO, I Don't. Darth Vader: YES, you Do. Imperial Commando: I DO NOT YELL AT YOU, NOW SHUT UP!!!!!!!! Darth Vader: It just shrunk again sir. Imperial Commando: What did? Darth Vader: My ego. Imperial Commando: Where do YOU keep your ego, by the way? Darth Vader: In this Smarties wrapper. Imperial Commando: A what? Darth Vader: Oh, nevermind.. it won't be invented for a long time... even then, it'll be in a galaxy far, far away. Imperial Commando: How far? Darth Vader: Pretty far... Imperial Commando: Yeah, whatever. Okay. Back to storing all the keys in my ego... The Star Destroyer that contains it is labeled on this map, send someone responsible to put them there... If we lose this battle, we'll have a LONG way to go before winning the war... Why, we might even need to bring in clones! Darth Vader: Been there, done that... Imperial Commando: OH! That's right! Darth Vader: Yeah. All right, JOE!!! Joe: (walking in the room with a bath robe on) What is *yawn* it? Darth Vader: Joe... Did you just wake up? Joe: Um.... *yaaawwwwwn* No? Darth Vader: Joe... it's 4:30 pm. That's a tad late to be sleeping in! Joe: *yawwwnnn* No it isn't! Not compared to Frank! *YAWWWN* Darth Vader: What time does Frank wake up? Joe: Around 9... 10 pm. Darth Vader: Joe... you DO know that Frank works nightshift, right? Joe: He does? Err... uh... oops.. hehe. Darth Vader: Joe... I have a little surprise for you. Joe: Surprise? GREAT!!! I LOVE surprises!!! (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Darth Vader! Darth Vader: Thank you. Sommaire: HEHEHE!!! THAT WAS FUNNY!!!!!!!!!! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!! Imperial Commando: Who was that? Darth Vader: I dunno. Let's check on Jar Jar... HEY JAR JAR! Jar Jar Binks: OOWWSA!! OWWSA!! whatsa? OWSA! OWSA!!!! Imperial Commando: I'd say he's doing fine! Darth Vader: Right you are! Imperial Commando: I can't think of anything else we should do before ending the issue... can you? Darth Vader: Let's TAP DANCE!!! *tappity tappity tappity tap* Imperial Commando: Oh, okay... ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2001 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. 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