******Episode 34!!!****** of..... _______ _ ____ |~~~~~~~||:| / ~~~\ |:| |:|____ |:|_|:| |:| |:~~~~~| |:~~~/ |:| |:| |:| |:|___ |:| |:| |:| \~~~~| _____ __ __ _____ _______ _____ _____ |~~~~~| /~~\ /~~\ |~~~~~\ |~~~~~~~| |~~~~~\ |~~~~~| |:|__ /:/\:\ /:/\:\ |:|__|:| |:| |:|__|:| |:|__ |:~~~| /:/ \:\ /:/ \:\ |:~~~~/ |:| |:~~~~/ |:~~~| |:| /:/ \:\_/:/ \:\ |:| |:| |:| \:\ |:| |:|___ /:/ \~~~/ \:\ |:| __|:|__ |:| \:\ |:|___ |~~~~~| /:/ \:\ |:| |~~~~~~~| |:| \:\ |~~~~~| 'YAY!!! I can type again!!!' Yeah, I can type again (FINALLY). As some of you may know, I broke my thumb a couple months ago, and was unable to type with both hands. I sent out occasional issues, but didn't promise regular issues until my thumb healed. Well, guess what... Physical therapy!!! WOO HOO!!! But more importantly, I can type with both hands!!! Enough about me... let's get back to the Empire!!!! Imperial Commando: As you all know, I have called you here for an emergency meeting... Darth Vader: (points to the Emperor) Um... I don't think HE is aware that he's here. Imperial Commando: Him? Oh, that's ok... He never knows anyway... Now... It has come to my attention that the Rebels are planning to ATTACK!!! Darth Vader: Err... how has it come to your attention? Imperial Commando: Oh, um... you know.... spies..... Darth Vader: Now Imperial Commando..... how did it REALLY come to your attention? Imperial Commando: Umm... Spies! Darth Vader: Imperial Commando.... Answer honestly. Imperial Commando: ALL RIGHT!! ALL RIGHT! I had a vision when I was on drugs, OKAY? Darth Vader: All right... I was thinking that it was something unreliable... Now... What are we going to do? Imperial Commando: We are going to ATTACK them with periods! Darth Vader: How is that going to hurt them? Imperial Commando: Look at all the .s that are up in our previous lines... Darth Vader: Oh... I see.... Riiiiiiiight. Emperor: That reminds me of the time when I went to this party, and this dude said to me "Hey, how's it going?" And I said "fine." Imperial Commando: Um.. YEAH..... well anyway, here's what we're going to do. When the Rebels get here, I'm going to launch several hundred periods at them. Hopefully that will be enough to get rid of them, but if not, we'll be forced to deploy some commas. If that STILL doesn't work, we may have to send out semicolons. Darth Vader: NOT THE SEMICOLONS!!! ANYTHING BUT THEM!!! Imperial Commando: But... we never actually USE them... Darth Vader: OH, *I* see how this is going... We don't USE semicolons! They must not be WORTH anything! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!! Imperial Commando: What is WITH your bizarre attachments to semicolons? Were you scared by a period as a little boy? Darth Vader:(quietly) yes... (and in a normal voice) But THAT'S not the point! When I was 5, a.... a.... Imperial Commando: A what? Darth Vader: A SEMICOLON SAVED MY LIFE, ALL RIGHT?!? Blue Leader: We stole your semicolons; you don't know how to deploy them, but we do. Imperial Commando: DAMN! Darth Vader: Well... it's not like we've ever actually USED them, or anything. Imperial Commando: No... but what will we get to replace them? Darth Vader: COLONS!!! Imperial Commando: EWWWW!!! Darth Vader: NO! I mean like THIS : Imperial Commando: Oh... good. And how about the space key! Darth Vader: YEAH!!! We are going to KILL those Rebels! The Empire: You know what? Darth Vader: What? The Empire: It's a KODAK moment! Imperial Commando: Uhh... What? Darth Vader: Yeah... As we were SAYING- The Empire: Kodak backwards is kadok. Darth Vader: REALLY! WHO KNEW!?! The Empire: Backwards backwards is sdrakcab! (Imperial Commando pulls out a blaster) Darth Vader: Don't do it yet, Imperial Commando... Imperial Commando: Ok... But now.. we need to work on assembling all those periods, commas, colons and space keys. Darth Vader: Ok, I'll place an order for oh... how about... 500 periods, 500 commas, 100 colons and 10,000 space keys. Imperial Commando: All right... and hang on, we can launch something else at them... Darth Vader: What? Jar Jar Binks: Hewwo! Meesah Jar Jar- (BANG!!!) Imperial Commando: THAT'S what. Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: Where's Admiral Bob III THIS week? Admiral Bob IV: Well... remember how in the last few weeks- Darth Vader: OOH! OOH!! CAN I SAY THEM!? Admiral Bob IV: Sure. Darth Vader: Anthrax, Ebola, E-Coli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, AIDS, Smallpox, and Rabies. Admiral Bob IV: Good. Well, this week he has the bends. Darth Vader: WHAT? Imperial Commando: WHAT? Admiral Bob IV: I said, He Has The Bends. Imperial Commando: WHAT? Darth Vader: WHAT? Admiral Bob IV: HE HAS THE BENDS!!! Darth Vader: I've REALLY got to stop listening to music in this helmet. Imperial Commando: How'd he get the bends? Admiral Bob IV: Oh, he was attacked by a vicious shipment of semicolons. The Rebels are testing them out and are planning to attack with them. Darth Vader: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (dives in front of Admiral Bob IV) (Everyone stares at Darth Vader) Darth Vader: What? I thought I saw a semicolon. Imperial Commando: I kinda thought I did too........... Darth Vader: NNNOOOOOO!!!!!! Imperial Commando: Exactly what I'm thinking. Darth Vader: NNNOOOOOOOO!!!!! Imperial Commando: Yeah... Darth Vader: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Imperial Commando: Stop saying that! Darth Vader: OOOOOOKKKKKKKKAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!! Imperial Commando: I mean it! Darth Vader: ok. Sorry... Just got a little worried about being attacked by semicolons. I mean, the semicolons wouldn't hurt ME, right? They saved my life once! Imperial Commando: Heh.. wouldn't count on them avoiding you. There's a rumor going around about you and a tab. They don't appreciate that. Darth Vader: A TAB!?!? Are they MAD? That is the most rediculous thing I've EVER heard. Imperial Commando: Tell THEM that. Darth Vader: All right... THIS MEANS WAR!!!! Imperial Commando: That's the spirit! Darth Vader: DEATH TO THOSE DAMN SEMICOLONS!!! Imperial Commando: Err.. that's NOT the spirit! Darth Vader: Why not? Imperial Commando: We've been fighting the REBELS for 10 years, not the semicolons! Darth Vader: Oh... how 'bout that? Imperial Commando: YES... how about that. Perhaps YOU'D like to be in charge of the EMPIRE!? Darth Vader: Not particularly, why? Imperial Commando: This is a VERY high-stress job. I mean.. my house is only, like 4 miles wide! I've only got 2 bowling alleys, 4 movie theaters, 7 swimming pools, 5 jacuzzis, 4 b- Darth Vader: I get the picture. Imperial Commando: (*click*) NOW you have the picture. The Emperor: It's a KODAK moment! Imperial Commando: Oh no.. not again... The Emperor: Kodak spelled backwards is kadoK! Darth Vader: Look what YOU did, Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: Oh Shut up. The Emperor: Shut Up backwards is pU tuhS! Imperial Commando: We KNOW that already, Palpa Tine! The Emperor: And xqertflpsd backwards is- (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando! Darth Vader: What IS xqertflpsd anyway? Imperial Commando: I don't know! Darth Vader: I'll uh... I'll just order those periods, commas, colons and space bars then, shall I? Imperial Commando: Yeah... you do that. Darth Vader: Right... Do you know a company that sells them? Imperial Commando: Try "Punctuation inc." Darth Vader: Think they'd sell space keys? Imperial Commando: Yeah.. I think they had a sale on them last Wednesday... Darth Vader: Oh.. that's good to know. Imperial Commando: Yeah... I know I got MY share! Darth Vader: You did? Imperial Commando: Yep. But I used them all up on Thursday. Darth Vader: Oh. Wait... How can someone use up so many space keys in just one day? Imperial Commando: I don't know... it was a stressful day. Darth Vader: It sure must've been! Imperial Commando: Oh yeah... wasn't thursday the election? Darth Vader: So was Tuesday, and Wednesday, and Friday, and Saturday, and Sunday... Imperial Commando: Yeah... Fortunately, I won... I think. Darth Vader: Imperial Commando: HEY!!! Darth Vader: Oops... just used up one of our spare space keys... sorry. Imperial Commando: Just add another one to the number we want shipped here. Darth Vader: All right.. Imperial Commando: It's been a LONG week... I could use a space key or two... Darth Vader: Right.. ok, I'm putting us down for 10,005 space keys... will that be enough? Imperial Commando: Yeah.. that should be enough. For now, we play... PONG! Darth Vader: ALL RIGHT!!! I'm on the left!!! Imperial Commando: NO FAIR!! I CALLED LEFT!!! Darth Vader: You had left LAST time! Imperial Commando: Ok, that was just weird.. I'll be right... Darth Vader: Nyeh! | | | | | || | | || | | _ || | | || |_| | | || | | || | | | | | DV: 0 IC: 2 Imperial Commando: I'M WINNING!!!! Darth Vader: Poo. Imperial Commando: Darth Vader: AAAHHH!!! YOU USED UP ANOTHER SPACE KEY!!! Imperial Commando: Sorry... I was just thinking that I might lose this game of Pong... Darth Vader: WHOO HOOO!!!!!!!!!! Imperial Commando: NEVER!!! (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imp- Imperial Commando: Stuff it. I'm gonna WIN this game of Pong!!! ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe(yippie!!): the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(You have insulted my family.): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando