******Episode 3********* of: ####### # #### # # # # # # # # ##### # # # # # # # #### ###### ## ## ###### ######### ###### ###### # ## ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ##### # # # # ###### # ###### ##### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ###### # # # ######### # # ###### "preparing for war" hmmm, the force is strong in this one. / <-o-> THE FOLLOWING IS AN EXERPT FROM THE LATE DARTH VADER'S JOURNAL: _________________________________ |:::::::::::::;;::::::::::::::::::| |:::::::::::'~||~~~``:::::::::::::| |::::::::' .': o`:::::::::::| |:::::::' oo | |o o ::::::::::| |::::::: 8 .'.' 8 o :::::::::| |::::::: 8 | | 8 :::::::::| |::::::: _._| |_,...8 :::::::::| |::::::'~--. .--. `. `::::::::| |:::::' =8 ~ \ o ::::::::| |::::' 8._ 88. \ o::::::::| |:::' __. ,.ooo~~. \ o`::::::| |::: . -. 88`78o/: \ `:::::| |::' /. o o \ :: \88`::::| |:; o|| 8 8 |d. `8 `:::| |:. - ^ ^ -' `-`::| |::. .:::| |:::::..... ::' ``::| |::::::::-'`- 88 `| |:::::-'. - :: | |:-~. . . : | | .. . ..: o:8 88o | |. . ::: 8:P d888. . . | |. . :88 88 888' . . | | o8 d88P . 88 ' d88P .. | | 88P 888 d8P ' 888 | | 8 d88P.'d:8 .- dP~ o8 | Darth Vader (1) | 888 888 d~ o888 LS | |_________________________________| You know, the funniest thing happened to me the other day. There I was, on the Executor, minding my OWN buisness, when suddenly, in flew the Emperor. This wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that he beat me out in the voting of who should get a raise. Would you believe it, I only got one vote...ONE STINKIN' VOTE!!!(and that was my vote). Anyhoo, he hasn't let me forget it since. So here I am, thinking..."oh man, now I have to listen to this geezer ramble on about how "responsibility", and "smart, quick thinking", when he arrives. He didn't have to usual smirk that he usually did. He looked hysterical. "Oh man!!!(hahahahah)the rebels(hahahaha)d-destroyed(hahahahahaha)th-the death(haha) the death(hahaha) the death star!(hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha)...... but, I guess that was a "you had to have been there" situation." "They WHAT the Death Star?" ___________ | | |.-.| | | |\ |_.-" 8 "-._| /| | \ ` SHIELD ' / | \\-+-| \ / |-+-// |\\| | \ / /|| |//| |__|\| |\ /|| ||/|__| \_\ | | \ / ||/ | /_/ | | |\ /| | | | .----------------. | | /__________________\| | \ /| | `----------------' | LS | | ||L/___\L|| | | | | |<=======>| | | | | |/ \| | | | | /* * \ | | | |/* X * \| | __ | / * * \ | __ /_/ | / \ | \_\ | |/| / _____ \ |\| | |//| |/ _/|___|\_ \| |\\| //-+- (/"| |"\) -+-\\ "KABLOOIE!!!!" Said the Emperor in between hysterical fits of laughter. "Wait," I said, "in any normal circumstance, doesn't that make us the good guys? Since they attacked first, for no reason at all, whatsoever? Suddenly, the Emperor stopped laughing. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Why those lousy..."### WE Interupt this journal entry for a special report...blah blah blah, yak yak yak. Now back to your regularly schedualed writing ### "Those stupid Rebels. I'm gonna send them a nasty e-mail telling to...not do that anymore." "I'm with you on that!" agreed the Emperor. So, we called up our e-mail server, and discovered that we had a new message in our mailbox, so naturally, we opened it up. It said: *****Letter from the Rebel(scum)(Well, sort of)(about the scum part)(I mean, not to be underestimated or anything)(It's not the kind of thing we like to talk about)(people have always been sensitive about it though)****** "Dear Imperials, I'm writing this, as it is now too late to recall the attack. I sent a fleet of ships to destroy the death star, but soon realized that you haven't done anything yet. It's my fault for not checking the script carefully enough, but it turns out that you have some problems with your guys too. Such as in "A New Hope" one of your storm troopers wacked his head into a wall. So PHTHWBBBBBBBBBBBT! Also, I was doing some spying, and I came across one of your pitiful little websites, and saw that it had some....humor...if you can call it that. I have attached it to the bottom of this letter...hey, which is right here! " Everybody's Free (To Embrace The Dark Side) Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99...embrace the Dark Side. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, The Dark Side would be it. The long-term benefits of The Dark Side have been proved by the Dark Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering cruelty and conquests. I will dispense this advice now... Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet. Oh, nevermind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of your planet until after the Empire has destroyed it in a futile attempt to find the Rebel Base. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of your home and recall, in away you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous your planet really looked before it was a pile of burning space rubble. Your planet is _not_ as dull as you imagine. Don't worry about the Rebellion... or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to make the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs, in a landspeeder. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your twisted mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday. Terminate one Death Star officer every day. Scheme. Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey yours. Hate. Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side of a barn. The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your idiot son. Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your bratty upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old light saber, but change your costume slightly with every sequel. Put on all of the battle armor you want to wear, then take one piece off. Destroy. Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side. The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for their victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still don't. Have plenty of minions. Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, maybe he won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll become a rebel leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your destiny is half chance. So is everybody else's. Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people might think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to its power. Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra. Listen to what the Emperor has forseen, even if you don't follow his prophecies. Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And vulnerable. Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be your arch enemies. Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi lineage and the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future. Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should keep from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need to send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you. Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot. Live on Tattooine once, but leave before you get heat stroke. Travel. Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter. Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial Senate will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed, the Imperial Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor. Respect your Emperor. Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you. Maybe he'll give in to his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll never know when he'll whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to the Light Side and saving his sorry butt. Don't strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it, or I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more than its worth. . . . . But trust me on the Dark Side." Your enemy, Wedge PS: If you want more "cough" humor "cough" then check out www.fallenjedi.com. Except for the fact that it is one of ***your*** websites, it was actually very good. The humor was good... I mean for one of YOUR websites, and it had some cool information. Why, if I had an E-Zine, I'd probably advertise this website on it....But that's just me. ._,. "..-..pf. -L ..#' .+_L ."]# ,'j' .+.j` -'.__..,.,p. _~ #..<..0. .J-.``..._f. .7..#_.. _f. .....-..,`4' ;` ,#j. T' .. ..J....,'.j` .` .."^.,-0.,,,,yMMMMM,. ,-.J...+`.j@ .'.`...' .yMMMMM0M@^=`""g.. .'..J..".'.jH j' .'1` q'^)@@#"^".`"='BNg_...,]_)'...0- .T ...I. j" .'..+,_.'3#MMM0MggCBf....F. j/.+'.{..+ `^~'-^~~""""'"""?'"``'1` .... .y.} `.._-:`_...jf g-. .Lg' ..,..'-....,'. .'. .Y^ .....',].._f ......-f. .-,,.,.-:--&` .`...'..`_J` .~......'#' Ray Brunner '..,,.,_]` Sienar Fleet Systems' TIE/In .L..`..``. Space Superiority Starfighter (2) "That was awefully rude," The emperor said turning to me, "Anakin?" "Yes, my master" I said getting down on one knee. "Oh for crying out loud, didn't I tell you to stop that last issue?" "Actually no, you didn't." I said, while jumping to my feet. "Well, I'm telling you now. Anyway, remember the website he mentioned?" "Yes...I said rolling my eyes, then running across the room to get them back. "Well, I went there last weekend, and Wedge was right. I just wish I knew someone who had an E-Zine." Suddenly, in skids my "pal", who beat us all out in the votes for who should get the raise, Imperial Commando. "Did someone say...E-Zine?" "No, now go away." The emperor and I said in unison. "Wait-a-minute." The Emperor said, pointing to Imperial Commando with a curled gnarly, icky, old, frying, white, splochy(with skin cancer), frail, frostbitten, wrinkled...oh the hell with it... It was a finger, ok. "Didn't you have some meeting to go to for the entire issue?" "Yeah, but it got cancelled. Apparently something about people protesting the WTO. Apparently the meeting was supposed to take place in the same building." "Wait..." I started, after noticing a plot flaw, "isn't that supposed to take place a long time from now, in a galaxy far, far away?" o /\ . | `. `. \ . . | `. `. | . | |_.--. . `. /<= .-' . . |_./|_.'/)) . /()_.-'/ /`-. / / _.-'\/_ `-.__ (./()) ~~--..__~`-o . | / . `-' // . . . // . // Sienar Fleet Systems' // . . Lambda-class Imperial Shuttle (2) // "Well...Er...umm...hehe...actually, um, there never was a meeting." Imperial Commando said while wiping away sweat. "But I really came to tell you that you should retaliate the rebels for attacking, since now you're unofficially the good guys." "Why" I asked.. Then realized I wasn't alone. Some wise guy had switched on the PA system on the Executor, and the whole Empire had heard the conversation(I could tell because the red light was on). Then I saw that someone in the tech room heard this, and decided not to keep this conversation to themselves, so they hooked up the transmitter to every other star destroyer and super star destroyer(I could tell by the little green light that was highlighted). Then I saw that the words were being recorded, and sent to the Rebels(The little Chartreuse light). And finally I saw that the words were all being typed by Imperial Commando, to be sent to the rest of the Empire who by chance had missed it(The neon black light). So in all, I heard several million voices saying the word 'why' _ . . ( (_) . . . . ____.--^. . /: / | + . . /: `--=--' . . LS /: __[\==`-.___ * . /__|\ _~~~~~~ ~~--..__ . . \ \|::::|-----.....___|~--. . \ _\_~~~~~-----:|:::______//---...___ . [\ \ __ -- \ ~ \_ ~~~===------==-...____ [============================================================- / __/__ -- /__ -- /____....----''''~~~~ . * / / == ____....=---='''~~~~ . /____....--=-''':~~~~ . . . ~--~ Kuat Drive Yard's Imperial-class Star Destroyer "because," Said Imperial Commando while typing, "during an attack, the bad guys don't appologize." "Oh," said the entire empire(me especially with my hands on my hips)"Where is THAT written?" We all finished. "right here, in this book called "The rules of good guys, and bad guys." Page 463, paragraph 16: "During an attack, only the good guys may appologize, or if the bad guys do it, they automatically become the good guys."" The Emperor looked at me, and said "He's right, you know. We'd better start preparing for battle... AND TURN OFF ALL THOSE STINKIN' TRANSMITTERS!!!! You, Imperial Commando! Stop typing!. Chartreuce light...OFF!! neon black light....OFF!! Red light...OFF!!!!!" .?MMMMMMM8$@m-(".-. (MMMMMMMMMMMMMMe(%e9ODA#%eRwC1%%?!-"; MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM*%JOMMMMMMMMMMM8M0DC?*%4?". .9MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMwe2#MMMMMMRC41%J#M&DC1D8&wM@*M& 'MMMMMMMMMMMMM0@R9eemMMM#0##M9m**i(%???*i(|1#MRD2 MMMMMMMMMMM@$449w2C!J%?C%"";"eCw$"|m==||;-`M. .MMMMMMMMMDO*i(((||(ii?*1?*%i"=(?mR 1%?(("%! mM@MM92e!';"i"?ii(ei;""""";";-(??. %MA!!?;"%"="i""mi'-1"""|""=;"""`&( .(4?"(=';;"""*9w|.-||(i%%|;`';;.;' *eJ;`%("((|i99C|.=|C=!1e;"w...... 0m*"1|;"!*(&9me'.-1 M .`..R 29*"M -&C(.."; "i .'i% #C!%m MRD"...J M.;(|. @81!9 i&&2;...J= 1;!eiM '99*C8 9!"=''`.(% $A&2"92 'w=-(? M%=`.`.e( AMM*%!. CM("A 'OJ%.'.!e #MMO1w% CMA"M. .MMM%-;'*. (MMMR0M %MMO!wD4 -MMM@%"|"M. 1MMMM8&DJ 8O1DMMM0w"(!%(*1%"M* .MM%?AOMMM. 'R#MMMMMM!24mO91!("=J. *MMwMMMMMMM =C@M0MM@Ae2MMMMMMMA1%"%J4| %MMMMMMM0@&M?" Ray Brunner (*M@MMR&&&2C#@#R&&&OC("'.&1='***MMMM#A8&AA1(=( ******%(MMMMM@M#OwmJw4A&&i.="2MMM8OwRwCCC1JmD&&$MD Imperial AT-AT (2) "Geez mr. Psycho," I said, "Sombody didn't take enough viagra this morning" "Aw shut up shrimp. You liked Jar-Jar Binks when you were a kid! Admit it!" "you wish. Now, to prepare for battle, I'll get out a checklist..." "You do that, I'm not sure what we'll need yet. Ohh, if only I had a week to think about it!" The Emperor finished. -Imperial Commando Jonah To Subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@eGroups.com To UNsubscribe: the-empire-unsubscribe@eGroups.com _ _ /_| |_\ //|| ||\\ // || || \\ // ||___|| \\ / | | \ _ / __| |__ \ /_\ / .--~ | | ~--. \| | /.~ __\ | | / ~.| | .~ `=='\ | | / _.-'. | / / \| |/ .-~ _.-' | +---+ \ _.-~ | `=----.____/ # \____.----=' [::::::::| (_) |::::::::] .=----~~~~~\ /~~~~~----=. | /`---'\ | \ \ / \ / / `. / \ .' `. /._________.\ .' LS `--._________.--' Modified Corellian YT-1300 Transport (4)