******Episode 29****** Of: ________ _ ______ ___ |___ ___| || / ____ \ ___ /\|/\ || ||_____ | |____|| /\|/\ |--O--| || | ____ | | |_____/ |--O--| \/|\/ || || || | \_____ \/|\/ || || || \______| _____ _ _ _______ __________ _______ _____ ||____| | | | | /______|||____ ____|/______|| ||____| || //\ \ //\ \ || || || || || || ||___ // \ \ // \ \ ||_____|| || ||_____|| ||___ ||___| // \ \ // \ \ ||______/ || ||____ _/ ||___| || // \ \// \ \ || || || \\ || ||____ // \_/ \ \ || ____||____ || \\ ||____ |_____|// \ \|| |__________||| \\|_____| Emperor: Hey guys guess what... Darth Vader: Oh no, not him... Why did the Emperor's contract get renewed last summer? Imperial Commando: Because I'm actually making money by him being on the show... Emperor: If you spell my name backwards it's rorepmE! Darth Vader: How's that Imperial Commando? Imperial Commando: (looking up)You're name is Palpa Tine, not Emperor. (looking at Darth Vader) See, I pay him -3 dollars per issue. Meaning he pays me three dollars per issue... Darth Vader: And he has no clue that he's not making any money? Emperor: So then it's... um... eniT aplaP! Imperial Commando: Does he look like he has a clue? Darth Vader: Good point... Imperial Commando: Good Emperor! Here's an Emperor biscuit! Emperor: Woof Woof!! Darth Vader: Huh? Imperial Commando: I taught him a new trick over the summer, want to see? Darth Vader: Um... ok... Imperial Commando: Play dead! Jar Jar Binks: Hewo, Meesah Jar Jar- (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: Oops, I was aiming for the Emperor... Darth Vader: Well, while we're at it... Bob IV... where is Admiral Bob III THIS week? Admiral Bob IV: Well, remember at the end of last season, first he had... Imperial Commando: Wait, I think I can recite it from memory... Anthrax, Ebola, E-Coli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, and AIDS. Admiral Bob IV: Yes, exaclty... well, this week he has Smallpox. Darth Vader: I had that once... that's why my face is so messed up. Emperor: I had that once! Imperial Commando: (under his breath) ONLY once? Emperor: Cool! I can hold my breath for five minutes! Darth Vader: You can kill brain cells doing that! Imperial Commando: (stares at Darth for a few seconds) ANYWAY! umm... That's real good Palpa Tine... can you do anything else that cool? Darth Vader: Oh, just be quiet, the lottery show is about to start... Imperial Commando: You play the lottery? Darth Vader: Yeah, so? Emperor: COOL! I can turn my face inside-out! Imperial Commando: Don't you know that that's just the tax on people who aren't good at math? Darth Vader: What do you mean by that? Imperial Commando: I mean, you have a better chance of being killed by a stormtrooper than you do of winning the lottery. Darth Vader: Shut up and watch... Person on the TV: ...And the winning numbers ARE: (ahem) 1.....2.....3.....4.....5.....6.....7 Imperial Commando: There, now see, you didn't win... Darth Vader: I WON!!!! I WON!!! Imperial Commando: WHAT?!? Darth Vader: IIIIII WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!! Imperial Commando: That's not what I meant... Darth Vader: Whatever... I'm QUITTIN this dumb E-Zine!!! Imperial Commando: WHAT?!?! Darth Vader: I'm QUITTING.... THIS.... DUMB.... E-ZINE!!! Imperial Commando: You know what I mean! You CAN'T quit... how much did you win? Darth Vader: 3 bajillion credits. Imperial Commando: WOW!!! Emperor: Did you know that I once went bungee jumping without a chord... I landed on my head though... Imperial Commando: Boy does THAT explain a lot. Darth Vader: All I have to do is redeem this ticket at the station for my check for 3 bajillion credits! Imperial Commando: Yoink! Darth Vader: Yoink? Emperor: Yoink? Imperial Commando: Yoink. Blue Leader: Yoink? Darth Vader: We've already done this... Imperial Commando: We have? Oops... Darth Vader: Yeah... HEY!!! Where's my ticket? Imperial Commando: Hence the word 'Yoink!' Darth Vader: Give it back! Imperial Commando: Why should I? You'll just quit the show if you do... I aught to take it for myself. Darth Vader: What will you do with the money? Imperial Commando: I'll Quit this dumb e-zine!!! Darth Vader: Umm... ok.... Emperor: Wow, if you hold your breath for ten minutes the sky turns green!!! Darth Vader: Give it back!!! Imperial Commando: Why should I? Darth Vader: Because it's MINE!!! Imperial Commando: Finders keepers, losers weepers! (sticks out his tongue) Nyeh! Darth Vader: Yoink! Imperial Commando: Damn, you learned about that... Darth Vader: Cool, it appeared in my hand... Emperor: Cool... Yoink spelled backwards is knioY... Hey, what's this ticket in my hand? Darth Vader: Give it! Yoink! Imperial Commando: Yoink! MINE!!! Darth Vader: Yoink! Imperial Commando: Yoink! Darth Vader: Yoinkyoink! Imperial Commando: Yoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoink- Darth Vader: Yoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoink- Imperial Commando: ...yoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoink!!!!!!! Darth Vader: ...yoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinky!!!! Imperial Commando: Do you have it now? Darth Vader: No, do you? Imperial Commadno: Nu uh. Darth Vader: Uh oh.... Imperial Commando: Yoink! Nope, nothing... Emperor: Cool, confetti!!! Imperial Commando: Uh oh.... I think I know what happened to it... Darth Vader: Confetti? Emperor: HAPPY NEW MILLENIUM!!! Darth Vader: Three months early Palpa Tine. Imperial Commando: Darth Vader: What? Imperial Commando: Darth Vader: We did that skit last season also... Imperial Commando: Really? Dang, what HAVEN'T we done? Darth Vader: I think we wasted all the good jokes on our first season... Emperor: Did you know that if you take enough LSD, ALL cars look like hippie cars..... Imperial Commando: (looking at the Emperor) We certainly did... Darth Vader: Hey, I've got one we haven't done yet... Imperial Commando: Oh? what's that? Darth Vader: Who's on first? Imperial Commando: What? Darth Vader: No, what's on second. Imperial Commando: Uh... I don't know... Darth Vader: He's on third... Imperial Commando: That's err... been done before... Jar Jar Jr: Exqueeze me! Meesah Jar Jar Jr! Imperial Commando: (looking at his blaster, then back to Jar Jar Jr.) I have an idea... Emperor: Did you know that you can overdose on caffeine? Darth Vader: I have something to do before that.... Yoink, thanks. Imperial Commando: HEY!!! Give me my blaster back, Yoink! Darth Vader: I just need to use one shot...Yoink! Imperial Commando: All right, but ONE! Darth Vader: Riiight... (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice sho- (BANG!!!BANG!!!BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Ni- (BANG!!!BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Darth Vader! Imperial Commando: I thought you said you were only going to use one shot... Darth Vader: I got a little carried away... oh well...(hands Imperial Commando the blaster) Emperor: Did you know that I can survive 6 shots to my head, since there aren't any vital organs there... Imperial Commando: EEP! Darth Vader: Give me that blaster back... Imperial Commando: Hang on... (BANG!!!BANG!!!BANG!!!BANG!!!BANG!!!BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice shot, yatta yatta yatta... Imperial Commando: All yours (tosses Darth Vader the blaster) Darth Vader: Hey, Palpa Tine, how are you? Emperor: *cough cough* h-help m-me.... (BANG!!!BANG!!!BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: You know my line... *beep* You've got mail Imperial Commando: What was that? Darth Vader: This is just a wild guess, but I think you've got mail. Imperial Commando: Ok, mr. literalist... I'll check my mail... Mr. Literalist: HEY!!! Darth Vader: E-mail... Imperial Commando: I KNOW that! (opens the new message) Imperial Commando: (reads) Dear Imperial Commando, Earlier you said a word that I have copywrighted... the word EEP!!! EEP I SAY, EEP!!!! That word is MINE!! *I* copywrighted it, so YOU can't say it! EEP!!!! eep Eep, eEp, and eeP... you can't say any of those... thank you... yours truly, Mr. I-need-serious-psycological-help Darth Vader: Hey! I went to high school with him! Imperial Commando: EEP! No kidding! What was he like? Darth Vader: If I recall correctly... he was a filthy sadist, power freak, who HAD to have his way, and a spoiled brat... Imperial Commando: Oh, so you two were friends. Darth Vader: Until our senior year... when he... well, I don't like to talk about it. Imperial Commando: Oh come on! We're not going to tell anybody.. right 120 readers? *wink* *wink* Darth Vader: Well... he... he told everyone that I was afraid of giant bunnies!!! Imperial Commando: And you haven't seen a therapist... why? Darth Vader: Oh shut up! Imperial Commando: EEP! Emperor: Did you know that I can come back to life after being shot 15 times... Darth Vader: Imperial C- Imperial Commando: Darth, don't even bother... We can't kill him... Darth Vader: Yoink! Imperial Commando: HEY!!! Give that back!!! Yoink!!! Darth Vader: Yoink! Imperial Commando: Yoinkyoinkyoink!!! Darth Vader: Yoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoink.... Imperial Commando: Yoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoink... Darth Vader: ...Yoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoink!!!! Imperial Commando: ...Yoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoinkyoink!!! Darth Vader: Where'd the blaster go? Imperial Commando: Dunno... Emperor: COOL!!! I can swim in liquid nitrogen!!! Imperial Commando: Pinky... are you pondering what I'm pondering... Darth Vader: I think so brain, but shouldn't we end this issue, NOW!!!! Imperial Commando: Good idea... Emperor: I can set fire to- ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(Hey, wait, maybe this just wasn't a funny episode!): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando