******Episode 28****** =============================================================== =+++++++=+====+=+++++========================================== ====+====+====+=+============================================== ====+====++++++=++++=========================================== ====+====+====+=+============================================== ====+====+====+=+++++========================================== =============================================================== =++++++======++=======++=======+++++++++===+++++++=====+++++++= =+===========++=======++===========+=======+======+====+======= =+==========+==+=====+==+==========+=======+======+====+======= =+++++=====+====+===+====+=========+=======+++++++=====++++++== =+========+======+=+======+========+=======+======+====+======= =+=======+========+========+=======+=======+=======+===+======= =++++++=+===================+==+++++++++===+========+==+++++++= =============================================================== 'You know... you should REALLY consider listening to that little voice in your head when you see an add for, "Honest Bob's used bungee chords"' GUESS WHAT, THIS WEEK WE'RE GOING TO GIVE THE READERS A LITTLE PRESENT... WE'RE GOING BEHIND THE SCENES!!! WE'LL LEARN ABOUT THE TURMOIL THE DOMINATED THE CAST MEMBERS LIVES SHORTLY AFTER THE E-ZINE BEGAN... Max Reporter: So, Imperial Commando, what do YOU feel was the worst part about working on the show week after week nonstop? Imperial Commando: What? Hang on, I'm working on the next issue for my E-Zine... Now, what did you say? Max Reporter: Err.. I said what do YOU feel was the worst part about working on the show week after week nonstop. Imperial Commando: Well Mr. Reporter, I'd have to say that my addiction to drugs from issues 6-25 was the hardest part...*sniiiiiiif* But I'm glad that THAT'S finally past us. *sniiiiiiiff* Max Reporter: Speaking of drugs, what's that white poweder you keep on inhaling? Imperial Commando: What? Uh... err.. see, that's my...uh..powedered sugar...medication! Yeah, that's it. Max Reporter: Ok... What's the medication for? Imperial Commando: It's...uuuhhhh...for my... drug addiction... Max Reporter: I think we'll stop here before you say anything that would embarass you too much... Let's go over and interview Anakin Skywalker, who plays Darth Vader in 'The Empire.' Mr. Skywalker, tell me a bit about how you got involved with this E-Zine. Anakin Skywalker: Well Max, In 1994, Imperial Commando and I met in a bar, (it's not what you think... you're sick) I told him I was looking for a job, and he said he had a spot in the acting department for me. He employed me 4 months later, and we soon became good friends. Because of his reputation, he was able to get me some fabulous acting roles. I even played Darth Vader in the famous Star Wars trilogy. Wait.. wasn't that late seventies to early eighties... anyway, I got some great acting roles, and this went on for several years, until one day, around mid summer 1999, Imperial Commando approached me with my best job yet. I would get a chance to work on his E-Zine. And that's how it started. Max Reporter: Yes, well, that's how it all started, but now, I know it's a sensitive subject, but can you tell me what went wrong. Why did working on the E-Zine become such a hell after only 6 weeks? Anakin Skywalker: Well, I think it all stems from the fact that it wasn't as popular as Imperial Commando wanted it to be, so he would stay up all night for weeks to try to publicise his list. That's when he started doing drugs. With Imperial Commando doing drugs, the E-Zine suffered more, we all got paid less, and were less happy about working on it. It quickly began to seem like a waste of my time, and I wanted out. In fact, it got to the point where Imperial Commando would go ahead and kill me, thus writing me out, but'd only leave for a couple days. I'd see the real world, and come crawling back here. Max Reporter: I see. But... Why didn't you just try to get Imperial Commando off drugs? Anikin Skywalker: Well, to be honest, it was kind of amusing seeing the great legendary Imperial Commando doing drugs. None of us wanted to do anything for a while, soon it affected the quality of his work, but none of us could care less. That's about when it started hitting our salaries. THEN we starting caring. We started Imperial Commando in every 12 step program we could find. Even the Emperor found one for him, but that was a twelve step to recovery from AIDS. To be honest, I didn't even know there WAS a twelve step recovery thing for AIDS, I mean, I thought that was more or less terminal. Max Reporter: And speaking of AIDS, Admiral Bob III has AIDS this week. Some of you may know the order of diseases he's had recently, they are Anthrax, Ebola, E-Coli, Spanish Influenza, Hepatitis C, and Tuberculosis. Yes there WILL be a test over this material. Anikin Skywalker: ANYWAY.... We started him in at least 60 twelve step recovery program thingy mabobers. And, well... it didn't work... if ya know what I mean, hehe... Max Reporter: Oh, I see you have the same medicatation powder stuff that Imperial Commando has! Anikin Skywalker: Really? Imperial Commando told you that that white powder was his medication... boy is HE a fast thinker. Max Reporter: And just what is THAT supposed mean? Anikin Skywalker: It means that we need to start him on another twelve step recovery doodad. Max Reporter: Ooookkkay... I'll...uh... interview Imperial Commando again... just to get away from you, you.... you.... you... Anikin Skywalker: Me? Really? Max Reporter: Was that sarcasm? Anikin Skywalker: NNNOOOO, THAT wasn't SARcasm (rolling his eyes). (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Max Reporter! Imperial Commando: Admiral Bob IV, we already know what your brother has this week, you can go away now. Admiral Bob IV: Ok, I'll leave just as soon as I get my paycheck Imperial Commando: You don't get a paycheck now, remember? I'm a drug addict? Max Reporter: I thought you'd recovered... Imperial Commando: What? OH! Yes, of course! Max Reporter: ??? Imperial Commando: Nevermind. Max Reporter: Ok, Imperial Commando... please stop thinking about the white powder for just five minutes so that I can ask you some questions. Imperial Commando: Ask away. Max Reporter: Where were you on the night of April 14, 1912? Imperial Commando: ............what? Max Reporter: YOU SUNK IT! And you killed Leonerdo Dicraprio! YAY!!! HOORRRAAAYYY!!! Imperial Commando: I... uh... didn't sink the ship, but yes, leo died, and that IS something to be thankful for... You know, you get very carried away sometimes. Max Reporter: You're the eighth person to tell me that today. Imperial Commando: (looking at Max Reporter oddly) hmmmm... You know, I have no idea why. Max Reporter: You can go back to your white powder now. Imperial Commando:(singing...) I can't believe I'm this hiiiiigh. (...to the tune of "I Believe I can Fly) Max Reporter: (sigh) ruin a good song why don't ya. Imperial Commando: I didn't ruin a good song! A GOOD song would be the "Imperial March." Or something. Max Reporter: ....... Anyway, here I am live with the man who plays the Emperor on the E-Zine, Mr. Palpa Tine. Hello Mr. Tine. Palpa Tine: Hi there Max. Max Reporter: I came here to ask you about how you got started on the show. Palpa Tine: Well, I've known Imperial Commando since he was just a widdle baby. When he got older, he became a huge figure in the Imperial society, and when he got older, he started his own E-Zine. He came to me, asking if I wanted a job in his list. I of course said yes, and I started acting, literally, the next day. The first issue came out just two weeks later. Max Reporter: How do you feel your character contributes to the list? Palpa Tine: Well, not much really. He occasionally acts like the pointy-haired boss in Dilbert. The Emperor hangs around Imperial Commando a lot, and says rather off the wall things. One time I said that you can see your brain if you roll your eyes up into your head far enough. Basically, he's just there to add humor to the 'Zine. Max Reporter: It seems so pleasant. How did it go wrong? Palpa Tine: When Imperial Commando started doing drugs, the E-Zine wasn't as funny. After a while, it affected our paychecks. We hadn't really cared until then. Once it was affecting our paychecks, something HAD to be done. I leapt into action. Literally... I bought a trampoline. Max Reporter: . . . Palpa Tine: Yeah, well I threatened to stay on that trampoline, until Imperial Commando stopped doing drugs. Max Reporter: I see, then what happened. Palpa Tine: I stayed on the trampoline for six weeks. Max Reporter: Oh really? Palpa Tine: Yup, turns out my character wasn't missed... And the show was doing even better, in fact! Max Reporter: Well, that's good to hear... Palpa Tine: No, it's not! I HAD to put a stop to this. I leapt into action... literally- Max Reporter: (quietly) oh no, not again.. Palpa Tine: I bought a bungee chord, and made a drop-in appearance... The popularity of the show SOARED.... when the bungee chord snapped, and I broke my neck... Max Reporter: (under his breath) I can see why.. Palpa Tine: Anyway, that's my story... How's YOUR job going? Max Reporter: Well, I used to do the weather, but I got caught snorting- well, that's not the point... I got demoted to doing work on this show. Palpa Tine: And how do you feel about that? Max Reporter: Well, I was fine with it, until I learned I'd have to interview you guys, and see how much better off pitiful losers like you were, than me... Imperial Commando: Palpa Tine, I believe you know what to do here... Palpa Tine: I certainly do... (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Palpa Tine! Palpa Tine: This guy really works, doesn't he? Imperial Commando: Actually, to work, technically you have to be paid. Palpa Tine: Oh. Poor guy... well, that's enough sentiment for one issue... LETS GO TO THE BEACH!!! Imperial Commando: (under his breath) sonofabeach. Darth Vader: Hey guys, I heard rumors that we're going to the bit- I INTERRUPT THIS ISSUE SO THAT YOU DON'T HEAR DARTH VADER MIS-SPEAK HIS LINE. NOW BACK TO OUR ZINE. Darth Vader: Oops, I mean BEACH... Honest mistake, really. Imperial Commando: Yup, we are. John: But... there aren't any beaches on a space station! Imperial Commando: Hey, I didn't see YOU interviewed on this show, did I? John: No, but that's a logical gap- Imperial Commando: Ok, I've had about enough of you! (BOING!!!) Admiral Bob IV: What the HECK was THAT, Imperial Commando? Imperial Commando: You don't know either? Admiral Bob IV: Nope... Imperial Commando: Hmmm... Darth, any idea? Darth Vader: No... But I'll bet Palpa Tine had something to do with it... Imperial Commando: Why's that? (BOING!!!) Darth Vader: He's on his trampoline again. Imperial Commando: Oh, I remember that trampoline... He stayed on it for six weeks, if I recall correctly. Darth Vader: (chuckling) yeah, that sounds about right. Imperial Commando: Let's hope that he stays on there for another six weeks. Darth Vader: Right. Imperial Commando: Right. John: Left. Palpa Tine: Port! John: Starbord! Darth Vader: REVERSE!!! Imperial Commando: Let's not start THAT routine again... By the way, where were you John? John: Checking my mail... Oooh, Lucas Films returned my letter... ALL RIGHT!!! I got a part in Episode II!!!! Imperial Commando: Oh, you sonofa- *Imperial Commando* Hello everyone... we are now back in the routine of one issue per week. I am expecting a great year... and to show you how great it'll be, I'll give you some previews for some upcoming issues of... THE EMPIRE... ---------------- Emperor: Cool! I can hold my breath for five minutes! Darth Vader: You can kill brain cells doing that! Imperial Commando: (stares at Darth for a few seconds) ANYWAY! umm... That's real good Palpa Tine... can you do anything else that cool? ---------------- Doctor: I'm sorry, but the rock that hit Palpa Tine's head has COMPLETELY disconnected his brain from his body... Darth Vader: Too bad... Imperial Commando: (rolling his eyes) Oh, HUGE difference THERE! Darth Vader: What? Palpa Tine: Huh? ---------------- Darth Vader: Today, class, we are going to learn how to strap machine guns to our paper airplanes... ---------------- Imperial Commando: Due to requests by most of our readers, we will be doing this entire issue in Ancient Egyption... Darth Vader: What? Our readers requested that? Imperial Commando: Yeah... in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have sent all those e-mails through the time machine... Oh well... what's done is done... ---------------- Darth Vader: You know what I like about this E-Zine? Only one person can talk at once... Imperial Commando & Emperor: SHUT UP!!! ---------------- Emperor: The sky is falling, the sky is falling, we must tell the Emperor... Imperial Commando: (smacking his hand against his forehead) You ARE the Emperor... oh forget it. ---------------- Darth Vader: The Emperor is a transvestite? ---------------- The Emperor: Little Jimmy took a drink, but now he'll drink no more, for what he thought was H2O, was H2SO4... Imperial Commando: That reminds me, Palpa tine, want some of my... err... shall we say, H2O? The Emperor: Sure! ---------------- The Emperor: There once was a man from Nantucket... ---------------- Darth Vader: Release the anvil... (Cut to: Jar Jar Binks, with an anvil-shaped shadow growing around him) Jar Jar Binks: Exqueeze me! Meesa Jar- (CCLLAANNGG!!!!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice TIMING Darth! ---------------- The Emperor: This here LSD stuff is GOOD!!! ---------------- *Imperial Commando* So, as you can see, this is going to be one doozy of a year... I hope you stay subscribed, and tell all your friends about this E-Zine. You WILL tell your friends about this E-Zine... Readers: What? You WILL tell your friends about this E-Zine... Readers: Whatever... ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(Hey, wait, maybe this just wasn't a funny episode!): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando