******Episode 26****** THE EMPIRE 'The one half year anniversary.' THE SETTING HERE IS A MEETING WITH IMPERIAL COMMANDO, DARTH VADER, THE EMPEROR, JUST TO MAKE IT FUNNY, AND JOHN. Imperial Commando: Umm, John... about this week's ASCII logo... John: I know, it's pretty good for a first try, isn't it? Imperial Commando: That's... uh... not what I was going to say... John: Why not? Imperial Commando: It's just that.. well... You REALLY stretched the definition of ASCII logo there. Technically, it IS ascii, but the idea is for it to be ASCII *art* John: I think it's very good. Emperor: Did somebody say... EMPEROR? John: Um... no... you're supposed to come in a few seconds later. Emperor:..... Emperor: Did somebody say... EMPEROR? John: We're still not ready for you, go out in the hall until you hear me say... the 'E' word. Imperial Commando: Ok... Now... Where was I? Oh yes... You think it's very good? This sounds like something the... EMPEROR would do! John:.... Imperial Commando:.... John: Palpa Tine! GET IN HERE!!! Emperor:(from out of the room) Why? Imperial Commando: BECAUSE I SAID THE WORD EMPEROR! Emperor: Well excuuuuse me, I was getting a snack at the imperial vending machines! Imperial Commando: We.. uh.. don't HAVE vending machines. Emperor: Then.. uh.. what's this? Imperial Commando: (head in hands) Palpa Tine... that's my refrigerator. Emperor: Oops... You're not gonna charge me for that, are you? Imperial Commando: Depends... What'd you take? John: I wish I had a line in this part of the issue. Imperial Commando: Good for you. Emperor: I took about 30 snickers bars, some chalupas, 65 gorditas, 18 taco grandes, 43 club sandwhiches... Imperial Commando: I didn't have any club sandwhiches in there... Emperor: Then what's this? Imperial Commando: A mace between two slices of bread... John: Hello... Can I have a line here? Imperial Commando: That was your line. Anyway, Mr. Tine...First of all, it's not healthy to eat a mace, second, you owe me for all the stuff you took out of my refrigerator, and third, well... The ASCII logo for this issue is bad. John: Gee, thanks for helping my self esteem there Imperial Commando. Imperial Commando: Anytime. John: I was being sarcastic. Imperial Commando: No... Really? John: Really. Imperial Commando: I was being sarcastic. John: So was I. Imperial Commando: But I was being sarcastic to your little remark about being sarcastic. John: Well, I was being sarcastic to your little comment about me being sarcastic. Imperial Commando: Was that sarcasm? John: To be honest, I don't know either. Emperor: Do I have a line here? John and Imperial Commando: NO! Emperor: Ok, anyway, as I was saying... John: ZIP IT! (ZZZZIP!) Imperial Commando: Thanks John. John: What'd I do? Imperial Commando: You told me that my barn door was open... didn't you? John: (head in hands) Sometimes I don't know WHY I stay on this E-Zine. Imperial Commando: Because it's funny? John: Nope. Imperial Commando: Because it's very self referential? John: Ha, ha, very funny. Imperial Commando: I already made the comment about it being funny. John: I was being sarcastic. Imperial Commando: So was I. John: But *I* was being sarcastic about... oh, let's not get into this.... converstation. Imperial Commando: Who's on first? John: What does that have to do with anything? Imperial Commando: What's on second? John: I don't think we should be talking about that right now. Imperial Commando: You're right. Let's just talk about how frikin' STUPID you are to make an ASCII logo like the one at the beginning of this issue. Emperor: Oooh, trail mix! Imperial Commando: Palpa Tine, that's Instant trail. Sprinkle it on the ground of a forest, add water, and tada! There you go, instant trail. Emperor: Sure tastes good though... Imperial Commando: Oh well, as long as you don't drink anything... Emperor: Yummy lemonade... Imperial Commando: That's bacteria. Emperor: Really, then what's this? Imperial Commando: By golly, you're right, that IS lemonade. Sorry about that. John: can I have a line? ________________________________ John: Ha ha ha... Readers: HA HA HA!!! John: I hate you... Hamlet: To Be... Or NOT to be. THAT is the question. Whether 'tis nobl'er in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows- (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando! John: I guess that answered HIS question. Imperial Commando: Why isn't Admiral Bob III here this week? Admiral Bob IV: Remember what he's had the last four weeks? Imperial Commando: Yeah, he got Anthrax, then Ebola, then E-Coli, then Influenza. Admiral Bob IV: Well, this week he has Hepatitis C. Imperial Commando: Dang, he's had REALLY bad luck hasn't he? Admiral Bob IV: Yeah. Jar Jar Binks: Hewo! Meesa Jar Jar Binks! Imperial Commando: Hi Jar Jar. John: Aren't you going to kill him? Imperial Commando: No! He says "Nice SHOT Imperial Commando!" whenever I shoot someone! John: No, aren't you going to kill Jar Jar Binks? Imperial Commando: Why? Can't we all just get along? John: What the hell has gotten INTO you Imperial Commando? Imperial Commando: I'm just kidding. (BANG!!!) Jar Jar Binks: OWWWWSSAAA!!! MY EAR!!!sa. (BANG!!!) Jar Jar Binks: OWWWWSA!!! MY OTHER EARSA!!!! (SLICE!!!) JJB: Slice? Yes, I would like Slice... But I prefer Sprite, do you have that? (SLICE!!!) Imperial Commando: Jar Jar, are you aware of the location of your right arm, and left ear right now? Jar Jar Binks: Yessa, they're... uh ohsa.... (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando! John: Dang Admiral Bob IV, you REALLY have that timing down well, don't you? Imperial Commando: Admiral Bob IV is only paid to say nice shot Imperial Commando, and what illness Admiral Bob III has this week, I guess he can't tell you. John: ARRG! Imperial Commando: Let's sing a song to cheer you up! John: What...Song...? Imperial Commando: I luv you... you luv me... John: NO!!! SHUT UP!!! Imperial Commando: ...That's why we have H-I-V. Readers: HA HA HA! John: Hey, that was actually pretty funny... (7-UP!!!) John: Um, Imperial Commando... What was that? (SPRITE) Little Red Sprite: Did someone say sprite? Little Blue Sprite: YEAH! Little Yellow Sprite: I think someone did! Little Blue Sprite: YEAH! Little Green Sprite: Let's ALL say Sprite! Little Blue Sprite: YEAH! Little Pink Sprite: Guys... I'm gay. Little Blue Sprite: YEAH!- Wait, no.. I mean um.... IMPERIAL COMMANDO!!!! You tricked me! Little Orange Sprite: We're the sprites of the world, and we've come to spread happiness, and cuteness, and peac- (BBOOOOMM!!!) John: Kinda Ironic that he was shot while in the middle of the word peace. Imperial Commando: Yeah, great timing Palpa Tine. Emperor: But... *I* didn't kill them... Little Green Sprite: I'm(cough) not quite(cough) d- dea- Dead... (PEPSI) Admiral Bob IV: Nice....err.. Spelling, Imperial Commando... Imperial Commando: It sure would be nice to get some sleep every once in a while... John: I know the feeling... like this one time I was trying to make this really cool ASCII logo, but I was really sleepy, so it just looked like this: THE EMPIRE Imperial Commando: Ok John, I forgive you, IF you can make a better ASCII logo. Little Pink Sprite: Guys, you DO know I was kidding about the gay thing, right? Imperial Commando: Hey, I'm happy too. John: I will be in a sec... Imperial Commando, how's this look? ^^^^^^^ % % &&&&& ^ % % & ^ %%%%%% &&&& ^ % % & ^ % % &&&&& ****** ## ## $$$$$$ !!!!!!!!! @@@@@@ ()()() * ## ## $ $ ! @ @ ) * # # # # $ $ ! @ @ ( ***** # # # # $$$$$$ ! @@@@@@ )()() * # # # # $ ! @ @ ( * # # # $ ! @ @ ) ****** # # $ !!!!!!!!! @ @ ()()() Imperial Commando: Not bad, but you had help from me on that one. John: No, I didn't. Imperial Commando: Yes, you DID (wink wink) John: Actually Imperial Commando, believe what you want to believe, but I AM better at ASCII logos than you, right readers? Readers: HA HA H- Oops, we mean, RIGHT!!! John: See. Imperial Commando: Better at ASCII logos than ME!!! You little fu- ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. 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