******Episode 25****** ----------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------|||||||||--|-----|--|||||--------------------------------- -----------------|------|-----|--|------------------------------------- -----------------|------|||||||--||||---------------------------------- -----------------|------|-----|--|------------------------------------- -----------------|------|-----|--|||||--------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ||||||------||-------||-------||||||---|||||||||---||||||-----||||||-- |-----------||-------||-------|-----|------|-------|-----|----|------- |----------|--|-----|--|------|-----|------|-------|-----|----|------- |||||-----|----|---|----|-----||||||-------|-------||||||-----|||||--- |--------|------|-|------|----|------------|-------|-----|----|------- |-------|--------|--------|---|------------|-------|------|---|------- ||||||-|-------------------|--|--------|||||||||---|-------|--||||||-- ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 'The 25 week aniversary' (~~Welcome one and welcome all to the greatest E-Zine (at least that has to do with Star Wars) in the land. I am your host, Imperial Commando. If at times you notice I start getting egotistical, feel free to ignore me. It's for your own good. The doctors say I've got something called a superiority complex. Anyhoo, here I am at issue 25, one week away from the one-half year anniversary. Look for the special announcement at the bottom of this issue~~) THE SETTING FOR THIS ISSUE IS THE MEETING RIGHT AFTER THE BATTLE. THE IMPERIALS *ALWAYS* HAVE MEETINGS RIGHT AFTER BATTLES. WEREN'T YOU PAYING ATTENTION? ANYWAY, WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST STAR TODAY... LOOK FOR HIM IN THIS EPISODE... Darth Vader: Ok everyone, we all look ready to start this meeting. Emperor: Yup Imperial Commando: Yep. John: Uh huh. Darth Vader: Have you all had your shots? Emperor: Uh huh. Imperial Commando: Yup. John: Yep. Darth Vader: Shall we start the meeting? Emperor: Yep. Imperial Commando: Uh huh. John: Yup. Darth Vader: Can I have your credit cards? Emperor: Yup. Imperial Commando: Nope. John: Uh uh. Darth Vader: Ok Palpa Tine, hand it over. Emperor: Hand what over? Darth Vader: Your credit card. Emperor: I haven't had a credit card since that nice man in New York decided to clean it for me, and forgot to give it back... I'm still charged for it though... Too bad. Darth Vader: Why do I bother? John: Because you're a foolish optimist? Imperial Commando(slapping John a high five): Or, you're just plain stupid? John(Slapping Imperial Commando a high five): Or you were neglected by your parents, and filled with rage, now you hope to release your anger on a helpless little Emperor? Darth Vader(slapping John): It was a rhetorical question. Emperor: My name's Palpa Tine? Darth Vader: (rolling his eyes) NOOOO, you're name is Bobbafett. Imperial Commando: Or Darthvader. John: Or Jo hn... no, wait... That's me. Imperial Commando: Hehe, good one John. John: Thanks. Darth Vader: You guys are really mean to me. Anyway, First order of business, insult Darth Vader... What the...??? John: Oh, um... I added that there... it's taken care of now, so we can skip it (under his breath) dodo head. Darth Vader: Ok, next, John calls Darth Vader a dodo head... John: already did it... Next. Darth Vader: Darth Vader reads agenda... All right, who wrote this agenda? Imperial Commando: I did. Darth Vader: What kind of agenda is this? Look, right here, fourth thing is, "Darth Vader complains about agenda." Imperial Commando: Well, you're complaining about the agenda aren't you? Darth Vader: Yeah, but... oh nevermind. John: NEXT! Darth Vader: John calls out next... All right, where's "Kill Jar Jar Binks?" Emperor: Did someone say Jar Jar Binks? Jar Jar Binks: Did someonesa say Jar Jar Binksa? Imperial Commando: No Jar Jar, I he SAID, Jar Jar BINKS, not Binksa. Jar Jar Binks: Sorrysa, force of habbitsa. Imperial Commando: (Looks at Jar Jar) You're WEIRD. Jar Jar Binks: Meesa didn't want to- (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando. Imperial Commando: What's Admiral Bob III have this week? Admiral Bob IV: Well, first he had Anthrax, then Ebola, and last week he had E-Coli. Now this week he has Influenza. Imperial Commando: He has a lot of bad luck, doesn't he. Admiral Bob IV: Yeah. Jar Jar Binks: (Strained voice) Meesa....is...still....alive... (WHAP!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Err.. Nice AIM Imperial Commando... Imperial Commando: Thanks. Darth Vader: All right... Next on the agenda, "kill Jar Jar Binks", did that..."read next item on the agenda", doing that... Ah, here we go... "Discuss the battle." Imperial Commando: The battle was fun. John: NEXT! Darth Vader: No, no, no. You're supposed to assess how well you think we beat the Rebel scum. Rebel Scum: HEY! John: Go away. Darth Vader: Why? John: No, not you. Elian Gonzalez: Daddy! Imperial Commando: Well that was weird. Pikachu: (runs by in a yellow blur) Pika! Pika! John: Oooookaaaayyy.... Bulbasoaur: Bulbas- (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: Was that on the agenda? Darth Vader: Let me check... ummm... Yeah, it was. Right here, "Shoot certain random Pokemon creatures." Imperial Commando: Cool. John: Can I shoot the next one that comes by? Imperial Commando: Nope, sorry. You're not allowed to have a gun yet. John: Darn. Darth Vader: Just as well, next item on the agenda is give John a gun. Imperial Commando: NEXT! John: HEY! That's MY line! Darth Vader: "John gets angry at Imperial Commando for using his line." Imperial Commando: Just did it. Darth Vader: "Wrap up the meeting." So... Did anyone see the Bears, Lions game last night? Imperial Commando: No, who was playing? Darth Vader(glares at Imperial Commando): The Lions and the Bears. Imperial Commando(glares at Darth Vader): Ok, just curious. John: Well, *I* did. Darth Vader: I didn't. John: (looks at Darth Vader) Why'd you bring it up then? Darth Vader: I was "socializing." Ever heard of that? John: Yeah... What's next on the agenda? Darth Vader: What? Oh, um... "Go out for ice cream." John: YAY! Imperial Commando: YAY! Darth Vader: YAY! Admiral Bob IV: YAY! Emperor: (looks at everyone else) Yay? ~~~~AT THE ICE CREAM PLACE~~~~ Waiter person: Ah, welcome back Imperial Commando, would you like your usual? Imperial Commando: I'm beginning to think I come here a little bit too often. Jimmy Hoffa: I'm leaving now, thanks for the great ice cream! John: Waitaminute there Jim... Jimmy Hoffa: What? John: I thought you disappeared a while back. Jimmy Hoffa: What? Oh THAT. Well, the thing was, I was feeling really lucky one night, so I bet all my money in black jack. Long story short, I ended up owing people up to 10,000 dollars. I faked my disappearance, and I haven't been bothered by those morons since. Imperial Commando: Speaking as one of the morons... Jimmy Hoffa: Oh CRAP! Imperial Commando... Look, um... I've got a... manicure.. no wait, I mean a.. hair appointment... Or, um...lingerie shopping, wait no... well anyway.. I gotta go. John: (looks at Jimmy Hoffa run out of the room, then Imperial Commando) He owes you money? Imperial Commando: Yeah. Hehe. Long story. John: We have time... Imperial Commando: No we don't, this issue is scheduled to end soon. John: Already? It practically just started! Emperor: I'll have the 42 scoops of pickle ice cream with cheese sauce, and Jalepeño sprinkles. John: (shudders) eewww... Imperial Commando: Oh grow up John, it's not so bad once your taste buds go numb. Palpa Tine orders it every Sunday when we get ice cream anyway. John: (looks at Imperial Commando and shudders) eewww... Imperial Commando: Hey, Darth Vader, remember what happened last time we all went to get ice cream? Darth Vader: I'd rather not talk about it. John: What's with him? Imperial Commando: Well, last time we were here- Darth Vader: DON'T tell him. Imperial Commando: As I was saying, last time we were here, we found out that- Darth Vader: I said DON'T TELL HIM!!! Imperial Commando: ...That his cousin- Darth Vader: SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP YOU SONOFA- ANNOUNCEMENT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE ISSUE THAT WAS ANNOUNCED AT THE TOP OF THE ISSUE: Well, I know all you subscribers love Star Wars, and you all definately like the jokes I give you every week around this time, but it is becoming to hard to keep up with the deadlines. On this, the 25 week anniversary, I will officially announce my retirement... FOR THE SUMMER!!! Had you going there didn't I? I'm not completely retiring for the summer. I'm going to be awefully busy, but right now (before summer) I'm typing up three very long, funny, and action packed issues that will be sent out at the beginning of each of the three summer months in the Northern Hemisphere (June, July, and August). As long as I don't procrastinate too long, I should get this finished. You guys won't be receiving the first special summer edition, for reasons which I'll tell you in the next paragraph. Somewhere around June 6th or so, you will be able to go to www.egroups.com/group/the-empire to read summer edition one. Here's why you won't be receiving it: I'm going to do a little e-zine swap with a pal of mine in Australia (mentioned in last week's episode and has appeared in two others). Don't worry, it's only a one week thing. My summer edition one will go to his 600 readers, and if they like it enough, some of them will subscribe. You'll receive an issue of RebelPilot. If you like it, I have nothing against any of you subscribing. I'll admit, I subscribe to it too. That's how I met him in fact. Anyway, meanwhile, I LOVE hearing from my readers on suggestions, comments, or even just chit chat. I check my e-mail several times a day, but with all the e-mail I get, that doesn't mean I'll be able to answer you right away(but it usually does). That's the announcement. Go on, stop reading. You know you want to. Oh for crying out loud- Why don't you stop reading? You think there's gonna be something funny here? Well, there's not! Go away. Sorry, I get grumpy sometimes... I'm on the patch. Just kidding. PS: Do any of my readers know anything about the programming language 'C'? I'm learning it right now, but need a little help. ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(you know, I only know of three readers who actually read down this far on every issue... e-mail me if you're one of 'em... BUT NOT BY THE FOLLOWING E-MAIL ADDRESS!!! Use the one mentioned right after the "thank you, thank you"): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando