******Episode 24****** ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||---------||-|||||-|||-----||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||-||||||-|||||-|||-||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||-||||||-------|||----|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||-||||||-|||||-|||-||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||-||||||-|||||-|||-----||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |------|||||||--|||||||--|||||||------|||---------|||------|||||------| |-||||||||||||--|||||||--|||||||-|||||-||||||-|||||||-|||||-||||-|||||| |-|||||||||||-||-|||||-||-||||||-|||||-||||||-|||||||-|||||-||||-|||||| |-----||||||-||||-|||-||||-|||||------|||||||-|||||||------|||||-----|| |-|||||||||-||||||-|-||||||-||||-||||||||||||-|||||||-|||||-||||-|||||| |-||||||||-||||||||-||||||||-|||-||||||||||||-|||||||-||||||-|||-|||||| |------||-|||||||||||||||||||-||-||||||||---------|||-|||||||-||------| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 'Strikes Back' WELL, WELL, WELL. LOOKS LIKE THE EMPIRE MANAGED TO SLACK OFF ENOUGH SO THAT THEY'RE PRACTICALLY UNPREPARED FOR THIS ISSUE... THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A BATTLE ISSUE, BUT IF THE EMPIRE DOESN'T GET THEIR ACT TOGETHER- Imperial Commando: Thanks for that introduction, but we ARE prepared, the reason you don't know about it is that it's so topsecret, even YOU don't know about it... Heck, even *I* don't know about it! WELL, AS I WAS SAYING... THE IMPERIALS ARE LAUNCHING A SNEAK ATTACK, SO LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS... Imperial Commando: All right men, listen up! Today is a day that shall live in infamy. We are going to attack the Rebels until they puke, then we're going to attack them some more, got that men?! TIE Fighter Pilots: Sir, Yes Sir! Imperial Commando: Oh knock it off with the sir yes sir thing. TIE Fighter Pilots: Sir, Yes Sir! Imperial Commando: I think we ALL saw that one coming... Anyway, we are going to launch a gigantic attack. Zeta, Eta, Theta, Iota, Cappa, Lamda, Mu, Nu, Xi, Omicron, and Pi Squadrons will be sent in (that should be 11,000 of you) then for those of you smart enough to remember the mission plan, we blow the base to kingdom k- err... Hoth. Then we'll send in the advanced TIES to destroy any remaining ships and stuff. Now that everyone heard that, are we missing anyone? TF Pilot #1: What planet are we attacking Imperial Commando: batooine TF Pilot #2: Yeah, where's major trouble? Imperial Commando: That's a joke name, pilot, we just tell that to new recruits for fun... Major Trouble: Major Trouble reporting to General Paranoia, Sir! (Salutes) Imperial Commando: As usual, I spoke too soon. General Paranoia: (Salutes Major Trouble) Major trouble, are your troops ready? Major Trouble: Sir, yes, sir! General Paranoia, have you had your medicine? General Paranoia: Sir, yes sir! Imperial Commando: Oh for crying out loud- STOP THAT ALREADY!!! General Paranoia: Sir, yes sir! Anyway, as I was saying - Excellent. Major Trouble, you will land after Tau and Sigma squadrons have finished their bombing run. Phi, Psi, and Omega will cover your descent. Psi will fly TIE Bombers, Phi will fly advanced, and Omega will use up their TIE Defenders' concussion missiles. Major Trouble: Thank you, sir. BACK WHEREVER ADMIRAL BOB II IS... Admiral Bob II (The normal Bob): I am on the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer "Iron Fist". I command about 8% of the imperial forces here. OKAY.... WELL, LETS WATCH... Admiral Bob II: Commandor Bjork, what is our status? An ensign in the control pit: Commandor? don't you mean commander? Admiral Bob II: It's a new rank, haven't you heard about it yet? That ensign guy: Nope, sorry, I must be totally "out of it." Commandor Bjork: Our 9 Star Destoyers are 10,000 km out from the planet's surface. We have another 27 Frigates in sphere around them that are as closes as 5,000 km. We have 25 squadrons (300 TIES) standing by. Our fleet alone is about the size of the rebels'. There are 10 other fleets here standing by. Admiral Bob II: Excellent, prepare the attack. Move our Star Destroyers in range and launch ALL TIE Fighter squadrons. Commandor Bjork: At once, sir! (Star Destroyers moved into range (awaiting orders...) (STILL awaiting orders...) (Ah, there we go... now they start deploying ties.) Imperial Commando: (Smacks Commandor Bjork with a frying pan) IDIOT!!! You just deployed 11,000 Bow Ties! Admiral Bob II: I told him TIE FIGHTERS, didn't I? Commandor Bjork: (wobbling from the impact) ooooooooohhhh.... Look at all the pretty colors... (points) There's red.....And puce.....Chartruce..... Imperial Commando: You are at the rank Commandor now! YOU of all people should know better than that! Commandor Bjork: (still pointing) ....Aquamarine.....Medium blue.....Metallic Green..... Imperial Commando: I mean, just LOOK at all those bow ties... They're all out there floating around, dancing... Do you have any idea how SILLY that makes us look? Commandor Bjork: (is fascinated by the "colors") ....Taupe.....Neon black?.....And purple (stares at the colors smiling) Imperial Commando: And of all colors they're pink... PINK!!! With little purple polka dots. I can practically HEAR the Rebels laughing from here! Commandor Bjork: Ooooooohhhh... What's that one color called? The one that's reddish, yellowish greenish, blueish, black? Imperial Commando: They're practically - Are you listening to a WORD I am SAYING? (wacks Commandor Bjork lightly on the back of his head) (Commandor Bjork falls on the floor, out like a light... well, a light if a Rebel came up with a good idea... Hehe, a REBEL with a good idea? When Tatooine freezes over!)(And when Gungans fly!) Imperial Commando: DEPLOY THE TIE *FIGHTERS*!!! Imperial Commando: I SAID Deploy the TIE FIGHTERS!!! John: Um, Imperial Commando... Commandors are in charge of that, and the only Commandor we have right now is Commandor Bjork... Imperial Commando: Great... NOW you tell me... Bring in Jar Jar Binks, I have to shoot SOMETHING John: Sir, yes sir! (Imperial Commando glares at John) John: Hey, I was KIDDING!.... Can't you take a joke? (Imperial Commando continues to glare at John) John: Ok, ok. Here is Jar Jar Binks. Jar Jar Binks: Hewo, meesa Jar Jar Bi- (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Really crappy shot Imperial Commando... you missed! Imperial Commando: I know... I like to scare him before I kill him... By the way... Where's Admiral Bob III THIS week? Admiral Bob IV: Well James.. Err... Imperial, remember two weeks ago he had Anthrax? James... Err... Imperial Commando: Yes.... Admiral Bob IV: And last week he got Ebola? Imperial Commando: Yeah... Admiral Bob IV: Well, he made an AMAZING recovery from that, but no sooner then was he sick with E-coli. Jar Jar Binks: Meesa not dead yet? (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob III: (strained voice) *cough cough* Nice shot Imperial Commando... I made an amazing recovery... Imperial Commando: Recover from THIS! (BANG!!!) LETS LOOK AT SOMETHING MORE DRAMATIC... James: who's turn is it to Clean up after bob and Doug? Fred: I don't know, who's turn do you think it- SORRY, I'LL GO TO SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING THAN TATOOINE... AH, HERE WE ARE. THE TIE PILOTS ARE PREPARING TO ATTACK... Pi Leader: Is everyone ready? (Pi Squadron pilots start snickering) Pi Leader: Oh, may I ask what is so funny? Pi 2: Sir, um, hehe, your epidermis is showing! Pi Leader: What? (in slow motion) NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Pi 2: Well, looks like I'm the new Pi Leader... New Pi Two(formerly Pi Three): Sir, um... Your epidermis is showing! Pi Leader: I already used that one, you'll need to use another one... Pi 2: Really? Damn... Well... How about... MY epidermis can beat up YOUR epidermis. Pi Leader: ??? Pi 2:(hangs his head down) Nevermind. --- Alpha Leader: Whoo! Lookatt mesa flysa! Omicron 4: Uhh... thanks, Jar Jar Alpha Leader: After only a 30 minute training course, meesah is ALREADY Alpha Leadersa! Phi Leader: Pssst... Hey, Phi guys... Phi Squadron: What? Phi Leader: Let's shoot at Jar Jar when we get to the battle. Phi 2: I was already planning on doing that. Omicron Leader: I thought MY squadron would do that. Omega 7: You're all wrong, *I* was going to do that SORRY, LET'S GET ON WITH THE BATTLE... Ed Reporter: Here I am reporting live at the scene. I'm here since my brothers, Frank, Fred, Arnold, and Ima quit. Today's battle will be brought to you by, Budwiser, the wisest Bud you've ever budded wise... Or something like that. I'm here reporting with absolutely no one, so let's get on with the battle, shall we? Aquamarine Leader: I can't hold them! They're coming in too fast!!! AAAAAHAHAHAHAAH!!!! Aquamarine 2: What's so funny? Aquamarine: Well, see the special effects in this E-zine are SO cheap, I'm supposed to shout out the word BBBOOOOOOOMMM when I supposedly blow up... heheheh... Aquamarine 2: Hehehe HA HA HA AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHEHEHEHHAAA!!!!! (falls over in hysterical fits of laughter). Imperial Commando: All right people they get the hint. The special effects are cheap. Aquamarine squadron: (all laughing so hard they can't fly their TIEs.) Imperial Commando: All right, I've had enough. Shoot those TIEs. Psi Leader: But, Imperial Commando- Imperial Commando: No Buts, just SHOOT THE DAMN TIES!!! Psi Leader: (shrugs) Ok, whatever... (B-BOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM) Imperial Commando: That'll teach them. Now, what was it you wanted to tell me? Psi Leader: Oh, it's not that important, it's just that all I have are concussion missiles, and blowing up concussion missiles on a sound stage would blow it up too, and causing us to be subjected to the vaccuum of space. As I said before, not too important. Imperial Commando: (stares at Psi Leader for a moment) Why must you guys always be so sarcastic? Psi Leader: Oh, no reason... Shall I go attack the Rebel's main bunker now? Imperial Commando: Oh, if it's not too much trouble. Psi Leader: Not at all, I'll just send in Alpha Leader... Imperial Commando: Good idea... (In the base's main bunker) Admiral Ackbar: You can't go out there, (Boom!) it's too dangerous! (Boom) (TSEEW!!) Blue Leader: We have no choice, (TSEEW!!)(TSEEW!!) we need the (Boom!) firepower. Admiral Ackbar: You'll get killed!(BOOM!!) (TSEEW!!)(TSEEW!!)(BOOM!!!)(TSSEEEEWWWW!!!!)(***KA-BOOM!!!***) TK-469: Leave that to me! (BANG!) (those blasters in Star Wars are really modified sterlings. They fire blanks to give some kick in the movies) AAAaah- (BANG!) (They hear a faint "wooooaaahhhsa, meesah not feeling too good") Blue Leader: (reholsters his blaster) What's a storm trooper doing in here? Admiral Ackbar: (gibbber's and crouches in the corner) (Boom!)(TSEEW!!)(TSEEW!!) (They again hear a voice from a TIE Fighter, "yup, meesah is sick... boy my lunch didn't taste that way going down...") Blue Leader: I'm going out there now. (walks towards the blast doors and redraws his blaster) Blue Leader: (Opens the blast doors, walks out, and closes them.) It is a good day to die. If you're an imperial that is. HUH? YOU NEED SOME HUMORLESS SPECIAL EFFECTS? OH, OKAY, I SEE. BLUE LEADER IS STANDING ON A SCORCHED LANDING PAD. ALL AROUND HIM ARE TIES ATTACKING THE REBEL (SCUM) BASE. A FEW REBEL (SCUM) FIGHTERS ARE IN THE AIR DESPERATELY TRYING TO DRIVE AWAY THE TIES. NOW ENTERING THE UPPER ATMOSPHERE ARE 72 ELITE FIGHTERS GUARDING 6 STORM TROOPER TRANSPORTS. A FEW PILOTS ARE TRYING TO GET TO THEIR FIGHTERS AND SOME GROUND TROOPS ARE TRYING TO SHOOT DOWN THE TIES, WITH LITTLE SUCCESS. |[[====]][:D== -=+ -=+ -=+ (++--------/ ||/ Blue Leader's blaster (in use) || Blue Leader: (*BANG!*)(TSEEWW!!!)(SWOOSH!)(**BOOOMM!!!**)(TSEEW!!)(BANG!)(BANG!) Got one! (Boom!) Zeta 7: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! BOOOM!!! Zeta Leader: Why did you just shout out boom? Zeta 7: This E-Zine has RE-E-E-ALLY cheap special effects. Imperial Commando: aHEM! Back to what we were REALLY talking about here... |-o~. . . .~| TIE Fighter with a wing blown off. Blue Leader: One TIE Fighter down. (Zeta 7 crashes.) Private Bronsted: (TSSEEEWWWW!!)(TSSEEEWWWW!!)(TSSEEEWWWW!!)(**BOOM!!**) And that's one less TIE Bomber to worry about. ("The same voice says..."Meesah going doooooowwwwwwwwn-BOOOOOOOOOOMsa") Private Ryan: Blughh... (throws up) Blue Leader: uhh... are you all right? Private Ryan: The Imperials attacked too much... Blue Leader: Uh, oh. (___________*********TTSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEWWWW!!!!!!!*********___________) BBB OOOO OOOO M M !! B B O O O O MM MM !! BBB O O O O M M M M !! B B O O O O M M M M BBB OOOO OOOO M M M !! LET'S TALK FIREPOWER HERE. 5 STAR DESTROYERS JUST VOLLEY FIRED *ALL* OF THEIR TURBO LASERS. (THAT'S WHAT? 15,000?) PRIVATES BRONSTED AND RYAN ARE SHOOTING BACK WITH REPEATING BLASTERS (ABOUT 5-10% THE POWER OF A TURBO LASER). THIS IS SORT OF LIKE THAT SCENE IN THE MATRIX WHERE- Imperial Commando: They get the idea Bob... Now back to the battle. PARTY POOPER. Privates Bronsted and Ryan: AAAaa-- (die from the turbo-laser blasts) THE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED TRANSPORTS LAND AND STORM TROOPERS RUN OUT. Blue Leader: great, now storm troopers are over running the base. Maybe If I take out one of those star destroyers... (Runs to an empty X-wing) Wedge: I'll cover you! (Runs out of the bunker and gets into another X-wing -- Admiral Ackbar had quarentiened all of the effective pilots.) Blue Leader: Wedge, when was the last time you flew without an R2 unit? Wedge: 38 Hours ago. I was testing the manual overrides... Blue Leader: I am not worthy... (bows down. Then climbs into his X-Wing) MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE, OVER THE RAINBOW... AK-47: TK-421, why aren't you at your post? TK-421: I'm working on my E-zine!(subscribe at... wait, what am I talking about, this is the E-Zine "The Empire." If you want to subscribe to TK421, find it yourself you lazy-) Imperial Commando: Sorry about that... back to wherever... THE REBEL BUNKER I THINK. Imperial Commando: And what was that bit about over the rainbow? EH... I'VE BEEN WATCHING WIZARD OF OZ TOO MUCH LATELY... I *REALLY* LOVE THAT SONG. Imperial Commando: (coughs) Riiiiight... back to the Rebel Bunker, Bob thinks... Mon Mothra: What are our losses? Admiral Ackbar: 5 Calamari Cruisers, 17 Frigates, 44 corvettes, 56 shuttles, 3,786 navy members... Blue Leader: 38 x-wings, 75 y-wings, 22 a-wings, 14 B-Wings, 175 pilots... Han Solo: 250 ground troops, 19 Planetary Turbo Lasers, 6 Planetary Ion Cannons, 92 technicions... Mon Mothra: Today is a day that shall live in infamy... Han Solo: We weren't finished yet! Mon Mothra: Uh... How long will this take, exactly? Blue Leader: Well... Do you have to be anywhere anytime within the next three hours? Mon Mothra: Oh, great... MEANWILE ON THE SUPER STAR DESTROYER EXECUTOR II... Imperial Commando: What are our losses? Darth Vader: Omega Leader: General Paranoia: Major Trouble: John: Oh, there was that one guy.. no, wait... That was a Rebel. Imperial Commando: Well that's great... I'd call that a success... How many Rebels did we kill though? Darth Vader: 5 Calamari Cruisers, 17 Frigates, 44 corvettes, 56 shuttles, 3,786 navy members, ... Omega Leader: 38 X-Wings, 75 Y-Wings, 22 A-Wings, 14 B-Wings, 175 pilots ... General Paranoia: 250 ground troops, 19 Planetary Turbo Lasers, 6 Planetary Ion Cannons, 92 technicions... Imperial Commando: All RIGHT already! I get the picture! Major Trouble: (hands Imperial Commando a picture) Imperial Commando: Oh, you're funny... Major Trouble: So... Can I be a regular? Imperial Commando: Umm.... NO! General Paranoia: (not wanting to be noticed, starts humming) Imperial Commando: You too General Paranoia!!! General Paranoia: (To himself) They're all against me... Major Trouble: It's about time for you to take your medicine again, isn't it General Paranoia? General Paranoia: Well they ARE! Major Trouble: Yeah... but still...Here! (hands General Paranoia the pills) General Paranoia: All right, I'll eat these pills, but I'm telling you, I heard them plotting against me... Major Trouble: Heard WHAT plotting against you? General Paranoia: The pills, DUUUUUUUUH, didn't YOU hear them plotting against me? Major Trouble: Err... um... Yeah, I did..(rolls his eyes)(then goes across the room to get them) General Paranoia: Cool... How'd you do that thing with your eyes? Imperial Commando: You know what, I'd rather not know, and I'm getting rather bored of you guys... Let's END THIS ISSUE!!! General Paranoia: No.... Imperial Commando: Yes... Major Trouble: NO! Imperial Commando: All right, who'se the editor of this e-zine, YOU, or ME. Major Trouble: Well, um... Actually I heard that your friend in Australia writes them, sends them to you, and you take all the credit... Imperial Commando: WHAT?!?! THAT'S NOT TRUE!!! YOU JUST TOLD THAT TO ALL MY READERS YOU LITTLE FU- ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(you do not see this... you do NOT see this! What? You're immune to Jedi mind tricks? I am TOO a Jedi!): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando