******Episode 23****** ######################### # # #### ## # ##### ##### #### ## ##### ##### ##### ## ## ##### ##### #### ## ##### ##### ##### #### ## # ######################### ####################################################################### # ####### ######## ####### ## ## ##### # # ############ ######## ####### ##### ###### ###### ##### #### ###### # ########### ## ###### ## ###### ##### ###### ###### ##### #### ###### # ###### #### #### #### ##### ###### ###### ##### ## # ######### ###### ## ###### #### ############ ###### ##### #### ###### # ######## ######## ######### ### ############ ###### ###### ### ###### # ## #################### ## ######## ## ####### ## # ####################################################################### 'I've got a special new reader this week, a teacher of mine, so I'll have to tone down my language, won't I.' (psssst hey you, all you new readers this week, ou can pick up back issues at www.egroups.com/group/the-empire) WELL, HERE IT IS AGAIN. THE ISSUE RIGHT BEFORE A BATTLE. THE IMPERIALS ARE PLANNING THE KAMIKAZE MISSIONS, AND IF ALL GOES WELL, WE'LL HAVE JAR JAR BINKS FLYING A TIE FIGHTER *WINK WINK* WELL, ON WITH THE ISSUE!!! Imperial Commando: Um, we need the setting. WHAT? WHY? Imperial Commando: Well, that's kind of why I hired you. YEAH YEAH YEAH. THE SETTING IS JOHN(THE NEW RECRUIT, REMEMBER HIM?) INTERVIEWING PILOTS, AND OTHER PEOPLE AS NEW RECRUITS. Imperial Commando: That's more like it. John: Well Mr.... Mr. Bobson: Ed, please. John: Well Mr. Bobson, it seems you're a good TIE pilot, but uh... how well can you shoot a blaster? Mr. Bobson: Err... Well see, I once shot a blaster, and nearly killed myself... That's why I'm applying for a TIE fighter pilot... John:(standing up) Congratulations Ed Bobson, you are our newest TIE fighter pilot. You will have a one week training course, because let's be honest, you guys can't fly worth squat anyway. Mr. Bobson: Thank you. John: Oops, I meant Storm Trooper. TIE fighter pilot just slipped out. Mr. Bobson: uuuuuuuh. John: Yeah, and it'll be a 4 day training course. Mr. Bobson: WHAT?!?! John: Well, let's be honest, you guys can't shoot worth bantha fodder anyway. Mr. Bobson: (looking at John funny) Um, right... Why am I getting the feeling that joining the Rebels would be safer? John: (narrowing his eyes) I'm afraid I can't let you do that son. Mr. Bobson: (walking out) We'll see about that dad. John: (shrugging) whatever. NEXT! Jar Jar Binks: Owsa, I'm standing wight hewe, yousa don't have to shout. John: (shouting) WELL MR. BINKS, YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE OUR NEXT TIE FIGHTER PILOT, EH?!!! Jar Jar Binks: Stop that already, yousa are patronizing meesa. John:(yeah, he's still shouting) NO I'M NOT!!! HEY, I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD TALK IN ALL CAPS! John: SHUT UP! Jar Jar Binks: Meesa didn't say anything. John: Really? When did you figure that out? Jar Jar Binks: Oh, around 20 seconds ago John: I was being sarcastic. Jar Jar Binks: I was toosa. John: what? Jar Jar Binks: Meesa didn't say anything. John: Umm, yeah you did this time. Jar Jar Binks: Mesa did? John: Yes, yousa did. AUGH! Now you've got ME doing it. Jar Jar Binks: Mesa didn't say anything. John: Anyway Jar Jar, you would like to be a TIE fighter pilot, ehsa? Jar Jar Binks: Yessa. John: Perfect. How would yousa like to be in Alpha Squadron? Jar Jar Binks: Alpha is french for A, right? John: Something like that, anyway, I think you'd fit in perfectly with those (cough) geniouses (cough) Jar Jar Binks: Meesa didn't say anything. John: I didn't imply that yousa did.... Jar Jar Binks: (blinks)(but hey, don't we all at one time or another?) John: Thank you narrator for that last comment Jar Jar Binks: Whatsa? (you're welcome) John: I was being sarcastic. Jar Jar Binks: Meesa didn't say anything. John: I know, I was talking to the other guy. Jar Jar Binks: But... uhsa, there'se no one else in the roomsa. John: Well obviously not in the room, the narrator did some funny editing and(It's funny? You really think so?) Jar Jar Binks: Meesa didn't say anyt- (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando!!! John: Um, *I* killed Jar Jar. Jar Jar Binks: (gasps for air) I'm, oofsa, still alive.... (BANG!!!) Jar Jar Binks: OOOWWSA MY FOOTSA!!! (BANG!!!) Jar Jar Binks: OOOOWWWWSAAA MY ARM!!! (BANG!!!) Jar Jar Binks: OOOOOOWWWWWWSSAAAA MY EAR!!! Admiral Bob IV: When do you suppose he's going to notice we haven't been shooting at him? John: Knowing Jar Jar? Could take months. Admiral Bob IV:(nods) (BANG!!!) Jar Jar Binks OOOOWWSA MY LEG!!! John: So, Admiral Bob IV, why isn't Admiral Bob III here today? Admiral Bob IV: Remember I told you he had Anthrax last week? (BANG!!!) Jar Jar Binks: OOOWWWSA!!! MY HAND!!! John: Yeah... Admiral Bob III: Well, after his amazing recovery, he got Ebola this week, no one knows how it happened. (BANG!!!) Jar Jar Binks: OWWWSA! MY.... What got shot this time? Admiral Bob IV: NOTHING Jar Jar, we've been shooting the wall the whole time. John: Well, he figured it out sooner than we thought... Admiral Bob IV: Yeah... Hey, good job with the issue so far...I love reading and seeing what happens next. I remember one issue when- (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob V: Nice SHOT Imperial- Errr.... John. John: Narrator(whistles) Heeeere narrator narrator narrator, here boy. WHAT WHAT? John: We need a new scene, this one's getting old. Jar Jar Binks: Meesa didn't say anything. John: See what I mean? WELL, HOW ABOUT... JAR JAR BINKS TRAINING TO BE AN ALPHA SQUADRON PILOT. John: I like it. ALLRIGHTY, HERE WE ARE WATCHING JAR JAR BINKS TRAINING TO BE A TIE FIGHTER PILOT. Jar Jar Binks: WOOOAhahahah!!!! This thingy sure can flysa! Instructor: Yes Jar Jar, it sure can, but um... you're trying to fly the coardboard model that used to be out front. Jar Jar Binks: Weawwy? Instructor: Really... Jar Jar Binks: Weawwy? Instructor: Really... Jar Jar Binks: Weawwy? Instructor: Weawwy! Jar Jar Binks: Oh. Instructor: What I just said- you said what I sai- You understand when I talk like- But you were- Ah... On with the lesson class... AND NOW THAT THAT SCENE GOT DULL, LET'S GO TO... IMPERIAL COMMANDO SENDING AN E-MAIL... Imperial Commando: Let's see... He's a Rebel, but he's still my brother... Dear Blue Leader, How have you been? It's been a while since I've seen you. I'm fine. How are the kids? Oh, wait... you don't have kids. Nevermind. Um, how's the family, wait no... How's the... Rebel Alliance? I hope to hear from you! your sworn enemy, Imperial Commando Imperial Commando: Hehehe, that should throw the Rebels off our track for next week. UMM, WELL, SINCE I HAVE TO PAD THIS ISSUE UP TO THE NORMAL LENGTH OF 8-10 PAGES, I'LL TAKE YOU TO SOME OLD FAVORITE CHARACTERS OF MINE. Fred: So, I hear our friend John is now in that ol' E-Zine, The Empire. Doug: Oh yeah, I've heard of that! That's that one E-Zine with Jimmy Hoffa... Frank: No, I think that's The Rebels you're talking about there Bob. The Empire is... um... That one E-Zine with.... Um... That one guy... and um... That other guy... and they.... Do stuff. Bob: I know what it is, it's an emailing list! You can subscribe by sending a BLANK e-mail to the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com. Fred: Oh, yeah, that's ri- Bob! what are you doing here? James: Bob? Frank: Bob? Doug: Bob? Bob: Bob? James:(smacks Bob) YOU Einstein! Albert Einstein: So, by my general theory of relativity, we can conclude that- (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob V: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando! James: Um, *I* shot him Admiral Bob V. Admiral Bob V: Sorry, force of habit. Albert Einstein: I wasn't shot you know. Due to my theory that space is curved, the bullet actually- (BANG DARNIT BANG!!!!) Admiral Bob V: Nice SHOT.... James! James: Thank you. Einstein: HA! Since the bullet was traveling at speeds near that of light, time seemed to slow down for the bullet, thus allowing me time to dodge the- James: Dodge this! (WACK!!!!!) Admiral Bob V: Nice AIM James! James: Let's make sure he's really dead before we go on with this. (WACK WACK I TELL YOU, WACK!!!) James: Yup, he's dead. OK, THAT GOT A LITTLE MORBID. IT'S NICE TO SEE JAMES FINALLY GOT A LITTLE SMARTER. SEE ISSUE 16 FOR THE EXTENT AT WHICH THESE GUYS ARE DUMB(2 OF THEM AREN'T HOUSE BROKEN) NOW... HMM, LOOKS LIKE I STILL NEED TO PAD THIS ISSUE A LITTLE BIT. HOW ABOUT I TAKE YOU TO... EUROPE! Imperial Commando: Err.. Narrator guy? WHAT WHAT? Imperial Commando: You haven't mastered the art of padding have you? WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT? Imperial Commando: First of all, you're TELLING the readers that you need to pad this issue. What's up with that? Second, you don't go to EUROPE to pad the issue... WHERE DO YOU GO THEN? Imperial Commando: Anywhere but Europe... ALL RIGHT... TO INDIA THEN!!! Imperial Commando: That's not what I meant... JAPAN!!! Imperial Commando: Err... How do I put this... YOU GOT SOMETHING AGAINST JAPAN? Imperial Commando: No, that's not what I mean- I CAN'T BELEIVE THIS. ALL THIS TIME I'VE WORKED FOR YOU, AND IT TURNS OUT YOU'RE PREJUDICED AGAINST JAPAN! Imperial Commando: I've got a job for you... WHAT'S THAT? Imperial Commando: TIE Fighter Pilot. NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Imperial Commando: I said TIE Fighter Pilot... What's so bad about that? OH, TIE FIGHTER PILOT. I THOUGHT YOU SAID R2 UNIT. Imperial Commando: TIE Fighters don't HAVE R2 units you frickin' Rebel. OH SORRY, LIKE YOU NEVER GOT THE REBELS AND IMPERIALS MIXED UP! Imperial Commando: Actually... Believe it or not, I run the Empire, so no, I tend to NOT get the Rebels and Imperials mixed up... And I don't know anyone for that matter who gets them comfused except you. Emperor: Ooh, I do! Imperial Commando: Oh yeah, Palpa Tine gets them confused ALL the time. Emperor: Hey, Imperial Commando, remeber that time when you told your parents you were a Jedi? Imperial Commando: What! I NEVER said that! You hear me! NEVER!!! You just told that to all my readers you son of a- ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(I won't include this next time, seeing as in you wouldn't need it anyway): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando