(Sorry about the late issue, I've been having internet problems recently) ******Episode 21****** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!%%%%%%%!%!!!!%!!%%%%%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!%!!!!%!!!!%!!%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!%!!!!%%%%%%!!%%%%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!%!!!!%!!!!%!!%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!%!!!!%!!!!%!!%%%%%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !%%%%%%!!!!!!%%!!!!!!!%%!!!!!!!%%%%%%!!%%%%%%%%%!%%%%%%!!!!%%%%%%! !%!!!!!!!!!!!%%!!!!!!!%%!!!!!!!%!!!!!%!!!!!%!!!!!%!!!!!%!!!%!!!!!! !%!!!!!!!!!!%!!%!!!!!%!!%!!!!!!%!!!!!%!!!!!%!!!!!%!!!!!%!!!%!!!!!! !%%%%%!!!!!%!!!!%!!!%!!!!%!!!!!%%%%%%!!!!!!%!!!!!%%%%%%!!!!%%%%%!! !%!!!!!!!!%!!!!!!%!%!!!!!!%!!!!%!!!!!!!!!!!%!!!!!%!!!!!%!!!%!!!!!! !%!!!!!!!%!!!!!!!!%!!!!!!!!%!!!%!!!!!!!!!!!%!!!!!%!!!!!!%!!%!!!!!! !%%%%%%!%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!%!!%!!!!!!!%%%%%%%%%!%!!!!!!!%!%%%%%%! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! '2 battle losses, 3 outbreaks of Emperoritis, coming back against hopeless odds twice, and 4 late issues later, The Empire is back!' DARTH VADER, IMPERIAL COMMANDO, AND FOR SOME REASON THE EMPEROR AGAIN, ARE TALKING OVER COFFEE IN THE DEATH STAR FOR FURTHER PLANS ON ATTACK STRATEGIES, AND THE NEW RECRUIT(what new recruit?) READ IT AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF. HELLO? ~~~~~~~~~15 minutes later~~~~~~~~~~ Darth Vader: Well guys, looks like we're all here- wait. We were 15 minutes late weren't we? Readers of the WONDERFUL E-Zine, The Empire: Yeah... Imperial Commando: Well sorry, but you guys were 15 minutes late at one point last week. Darth Vader: Yeah. And don't threaten to unsubscribe, because that doesn't scare us anymore. We realized the reason you HAVEN'T unsubscribed yet is because you WANT to read this every week. Imperial Commando: So you know what that means Darth? Darth Vader: No, what? Imperial Commando: It means that we can say whatever we want, and our readers won't unsubscribe. Darth Vader: Hey! Cool! I've always wanted to say this, but you readers are so- I INTERRUPT THIS E-ZINE FOR A VERY GOOD REASON. I KNOW SOME OF YOU WERE BEGINNING TO THINK ABOUT UNSUBSCRIBING, AND IF YOU HAD HEARD WHAT DARTH VADER SAID ABOUT YOU GUYS, WELL, WE'D LOSE EASILY 50% OF YOU GUYS, AND I KNOW IMPERIAL COMMANDO WOULDN'T WANT THAT. LET'S SEE NOW....YUP, LOOKS LIKE DARTH VADER IS DONE TALKING. I'LL TAKE YOU BACK NOW. Imperial Commando: Well? Darth Vader: HELLO? Earth to readers, come in readers. Imperial Commando:(Elbows Darth) Not Earth doofus, try Death Star. Darth Vader: Yeah, well anyway, we asked you guys a question, so we expect an answer! Imperial Commando: Forget it, let's just get on with this issue. Darth Vader: Ok, First, did either of you come up with any other ideas for how to attack? Imperial Commando: Nope. Emperor: No, but I did draw this nifty flip book, want to see it? Darth Vader: Err, no, that's ok. Emperor: See? If you flip the pages you can see the rebel space ship blowing up a bunch of stuff, just like what happened in issue 12, and 18. Imperial Commando:(grabbing Palpa Tine's arm) Don't you ever, EVER talk about those issues again. Emperor: Um, ok... Darth Vader: Well, I did MY homework. I thought about sending some spies in to the rebel base where they will then plant a big bomb, and when everyone clears away, and at a time when there are a lot of rebels around the area, KABOOM!!!!! HA HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAH HA HA HA!!!!! Imperial Commando: Hey, you remind me of me! Darth Vader:(perks up) The idea was THAT great eh? Imperial Commando: No, I mean the maniacal laughter. Darth Vader:(sighs) Oh. Imperial Commando: I'd like a Cappuccino please. Waiter Jr:(looks at the customers) err, ok... Say, didn't you two meet my dad once? Darth Vader: Yeah, last week Imperial Commando here got him fired. Waiter Jr: And what would you two like? Darth Vader: Hmm, how about a Double Mocca. Emperor: Does the coffee with cheese dip come with cheese? Waiter Jr: You know Palpa Tine, I've heard the most about you of all you people. You're the guy who asks rediculous questions, then doesn't get served. Emperor: It doesn't? Well, in that case I'll have the coffee with doughnuts... no coffee please...oh, or doughnuts, I just like the other stuff. Waiter Jr: Absolutely nothing? Emperor: Yeah, you might call it that... I prefer the term, somethingly challenged. Waiter Jr: What, incredible stupidness? This looks like a job for... SUPER WAITER!!! DAH DADADADUH DAH! Darth Vader: Imperial Commando, I know it's pretty early in the issue, but do you think you could shoot someone already? Imperial Commando: Nah, I think this is pretty entertaining... Waiter Jr: SUPER WAITER, to fight bad ordering decisions, and to bring peace and harmony to boring ordinary coffee places. Darth Vader:*cough* and E-Zines *cough* Imperial Commando: What did you just say? Darth Vader: Nothing. Waiter Jr: In this week's episode, watch as Super Waiter fights the evilest super villain of them all... The Emperor himself, Palpa Tine! Darth Vader: Imperial Commando, are you sure you don't want to kill him now? Imperial Commando: Oh please, what's the worst he can do? Kill The Emperor? See if I care. Darth Vader: But... You can't kill a main character... Imperial Commando: Oh yeah... well, let's see what he does... "Super" Waiter: Super Waiter scans the horizon for the villain. Suddenly, there he is! Super Waiter attacks with the strength of one too many cups of coffee this morning! HIIIYAA!!!(chops The Emperor on the head) AAAAAaaaaaaaooooowwww.... That REALLY hurts. I gotta get me a blaster or something one of these days. Emperor: Super Waiter, you may want to get some bug spray, I think I felt a mosquito on my head. Waiter Jr: SUPER WAITER(trademarked kids, pick up your super waiter action figure wherever they are sold all parts sold seperately, batteries not included) spots a blaster on the horizon... (BANG) Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: Isn't Admiral Bob III supposed to say that? Admiral Bob IV: He's sick today, I'm his understudy. Imperial Commando: Oh, sick? I'm sorry to hear that... What's he have? Admiral Bob IV: Anthrax. Imperial Commando: . . . Darth Vader: . . . John the new recruit: HI EVERYBODY! Imperial Commando: . . . Darth Vader: . . . Emperor: . . . John: Is this a bad time? Darth Vader: . . - Imperial Commando: Uh, Darth, the audience gets the point, we're stunned. John: Oh. Hey, who's that guy? Waiter Man: Hello everyone. Since some misfortunate "accident"(thank you Imperial Commando) I'll be your waiter. Here are your drinks, and Palpa Tine... Here's your(reads sheet of paper) Somethingly Challenged...Riiiiight. Super Waiter II: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of our good friend, Super Waiter. Now, Super waiter is survived by his sons, Super Waiter II, Super Waiter III, Super Waiter IV, and Super Waiter V. (BANG) Admiral Bob V: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: Where's Admiral Bob IV? Admiral Bob V: He's visiting Australia. Imperial Commando: Why would ANYONE want to go to Australia? Admiral Bob V: He's trying to get a part in the new Star Wars movie. Jar Jar Binks: Hew, Mesa Jar Jar- (CLICK) Imperial Commando: Damn! Out of bullets. Waiter Man: Have no fear, Waiter Man is here!(hands Imperial Commando bullets) (BANG) (BANG) Admiral Bob V: Nice SHOTS Imperial Commando! John: Can I SAY anything yet? Darth Vader: Ok, go ahead. You're this new recruit I've heard so much about huh? Tell us about yourself. John: Well, I was hired by the Empire around November, when this E-Zine began, and was a TIE Fighter pilot. The Empire noticed that something was up when I didn't fly suicide missions and that I actually hit my targets. I was promoted to flying TIE Advanced, where I stood out as the best pilot, so naturally, they took me out of flying, and into politics. I studied for a month or two, until I felt qualified to help run the Empire. Long Story short, I'd like a part in your E-Zine Imperial Commando. Imperial Commando: Well, are you funny? John: ? Imperial Commando: Do you have a sense of humor? John: No, not really... Imperial Commando: Do you have any personality disorders? Amnesia? Schitzofrentia? Mentally challenged at all? John: No, actually I am quite smart. Imperial Commando: Hmm, well, I've been looking for a character a BIT like you... But don't you have even a LITTLE sense of humor? John: Not much... Imperial Commando: Let's see how funny you can be. The rest of the issue is your screen test. Next week, or the week after, you'll know whether or not you're a member. Darth Vader: Anyway, does anyone else like my big bomb idea that I described a t the beginning of the issue? Imperial Commando: I like it, but the problem is, it'll have to wait until issue 36, because issue 30 is during summer and it'll be the second of a three part summer trilogy. Darth Vader: That's gonna be the one with all the action and a real plot and stuff, right? Imperial Commando: Right. John: Right. Imperial Commando: How'd you know? John: I didn't, but I've been a reader for a while now, and this is the sort of character you need. One who is like you, and is smarter than everyone else(except you) and could I please shoot Jar Jar Binks next week? Imperial Commando: Well....All right. Darth Vader: Um, ok... But you know John, Imperial Commando isn't smartest than me. Imperial Commando: *coughs Right.... Darth Vader: You're NOT! Name ONE time when you've been smarter than me! Imperial Commando: Only one? Darth Vader: Yeah... You need to wrap up this issue soon. Imperial Commando: Ok, how about the time when... I figured out all the lunches I was scheduled to eat a few weeks ago was just a distraction so that the Rebels could attack. Darth Vader: . . . John: HAW! Imperial Commando: Darth Vader, John seems a bit like me, and I have to agree with John. I'm quite a bit smarter than you. John: If I'm funny enough, can I help write issues? Imperial Commando:(puts his arm around John's shoulder) Sure, but remember, ONLY if you're funny enough... John: Oh, you just wait... Imperial Commando: Ok... Imperial Commando: Said anything funny yet? John: Oh... Just give me next week. We'll see then. Super Waiter III: DA DA DA DUH DA DUUUUH! Super Waiter II: THERE THEY ARE!!! Super Waiter IV: CHARGE!!! Super Waiter V: DIE!!!! John: Uh, oh.... Imperial Commando... END THE ISSUE!!! John: NOW YOU LITTLE- ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(You know, Jar Jar Binks unsubscribed... You don't want to be like him do ya?): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando