******Episode 20****** ####################################################################### ######### # #### ## ######################################### ############ #### #### ## ############################################# ############ #### ## ########################################## ############ #### #### ## ############################################# ############ #### #### ## ######################################### ####################################################################### #### ###### ####### ####### ## # #### ### #### ########### ####### ####### ##### ##### ##### ##### ### ######## #### ########## ##### ###### ##### ##### ##### ##### ### ######## #### ##### ## ### ## ##### ###### ##### #### #### #### ######## #### # #### #### ########### ##### ##### ### ######## #### ####### ###### ###### ### ########### ##### ###### ## ######## #### # ################# ## ####### # ####### # ### ####################################################################### 'The hype will be with you....Always' (This is a really cool ASCII logo, so be sure you use a fixed width font [like currier new] so you can see it!) DARTH VADER, IMPERIAL COMMANDO, AND THE EMPEROR, PALPA TINE PLANNING THE SNEAK ATTACK OVER DINNER. Darth Vader: Ok have you all had your Emperoritis vaccinations? Imperial Commando: yeah. Emperor: Errr... Is that really necessary? Darth Vader: No, not really for you Mr. Tine. Imperial Commando: Ok, so there's no danger of THAT in this issue, let's get down to business. I say we wait until most of the Rebels are sleeping, then we sneak over to the Rebel's base and- I'd like Ginger Ale please. Waiter: I'm sorry, that hasn't been invented yet. We have Rebel Ale, Rebel Cola, and Luke-Warm Soda. Darth Vader: (stares at Waiter) They named a drink after my idiot son. Waiter: Yes sir. We also have coffee. Darth Vader: I'll...uh have Rebel Ale. Imperial Commando: I'll try the Luke-Warm Soda. Emperor: Does the Rebel Cola come with carbonation? Waiter: Well, yeah. That's the whole point of Colas. Emperor: What about Caffeine? Waiter: Of course! What do you think this IS? A Rebel base? Emperor: How about sugar? (Waiter walks away to get Imperial Commando's and Darth Vader's drinks, ignoring the Emperor) Imperial Commando: As I was saying, we'll wait until the Rebels are all sleeping, then we quietly, because you know how loud it is in space (since there's no air to get in the way) sneak over to the Rebel Base, and destroy it. Since we won't be using powerful weapons, about 10 minutes into the attack we'll encounter resistance from the pilots who woke up, got dressed, showered and got in their fighter plane. Darth Vader: Um, I don't think there's a time when they're ALL sleeping. I think about half of them are always awake. Imperial Commando: hmmm, well in that case, we send a crapload of TIES at the Rebel Base and hope at least 10,000 of them get in. When they do, they fly low over the trees (I hear it's on a planet) and fire at anyone they see. When they get to a big building, they blow it to Rebel hell. Then we send in scouts to see if there are any other Rebel buildings. Meanwhile, about half of the Rebel force will have somehow slipped through our fingers, probably because of Palpa Tine, and they'll form another base that we can attack in issue 30. Emperor: Hey Imperial Commando, remember last week when you tried to type an issue of The Empire after being awake for 50 hours? Imperial Commando: Um no, shut up. Darth Vader: I remember it too. You stepped in the cloning machine and cloned a humorless version of yourself. Imperial Commando:(smiles sarcastically) GOOOOoooood. Darth Vader: Ok, I'll shut up. Imperial Commando: Now can we get back to planning? Anyone else have an idea? Waiter: Here are your drinks, are you ready to order? Darth Vader: Um, yes, I'll have the Rebel Burger with Rebel Fries. (hands the menu to Waiter) Imperial Commando: I'll have the Rebel Chicken Strips (hands Waiter his menu) Emperor: Does the Rebel Sausage come with Rebel Hash Browns? Waiter: You're not very observant are you Mr. Tine? Darth Vader:(to Waiter) Oh just ignore him. Waiter: As you wish. Darth Vader: Hey! That's MY line! *I* made it up! You STOLE my line! Imperial Commando: Chill out Darth Vader. I use your lines all the time and you don't complain. Darth Vader: You WHAT?!? Imperial Commando: Oops. Darth Vader: You have NO idea how HARD I work to come up with good lines like mine!!! Imperial Commando: Actually Darth, *I* write all your lines. Darth Vader: Yeah, but your voice isn't as cool as mine! Imperial Commando: Well you're not as funny as I am. Darth Vader: Oh no? Well what about that time in episode 10 when I said that I thought my kids were on drugs, because they were gettin' the hots for each other? Imperial Commando:(chuckles) Yeah that was pretty funny. Imperial Commando's Mom: Well hello son, I wasn't expecting to find YOU here. Imperial Commando:(head in hands) Why DID you come then? Mrs. Commando: I'm meeting your father here. Imperial Commando: I thought Luke killed my father. Mrs. Commando: Well, it all depends on how you look at it. From a certain point of view he did. He converted to the light side, and therefore killed your father. Imperial Commando: LUKE'S MY FATHER?!?!?! Mrs. Commando: Oh chill out James, it's just an April Fool's joke. Emperor: THAT'S your mom. Imperial Commando: Yeah Darth Vader: Your name is James? Imperial Commando: Yes but don't go telling everybody. This is REALLY embarrassing for me. Mrs. Commando: Awwww, in that case give mommy a hug! Imperial Commando: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!(runs out of the restaurant screaming) Mrs. Commando: heh heh heh, I love that kid. I gotta go now, but you and Darth Vader take care of my little boy, ok? Emperor: Ok ma'am! Darth Vader: Err... He's my boss. Mrs. Commando: Glad to hear it; in that case tell him to keep up the good work too. Darth Vader: Riiiiiiight..... (Mrs. Commando leaves laughing) Imperial Commando:(walks back in the restaurant) Is she gone? Darth Vader: Um, yeah. Now I know where you got it from. Imperial Commando: Got what? Darth Vader: Um, the only word that comes to mind right now is ridiculousness. Imperial Commando: You call THAT ridiculous? Satanic is more like it! Darth Vader: Oh yeah, and she told me to tell you to keep up the good work, and she told me to take care of you. Imperial Commando: Look, can we talk about something else, ok? How about typing the last issue after I'd been up for 50 hours. Darth Vader: With pleasure! Anyway JAMES, don't even get me STARTED on the typos, and the way it just sort of.... Ended. ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(Rebel Scum!): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com JUST KIDDING! Darth Vader: Um, thanks for that demonstration. Emperor: Oh, I know that guy... That's umm... Oh, he's my good pal Jar Jar Binks. Darth Vader: Figures. Jar Jar Binks: Hewo Palpa Tine. Who be Yous fwends hewe? Emperor: This is Imperial Commando, Imperial Commando: er, hi. Emperor: and Darth Vader. Darth Vader: (looking at Imperial Commando as if this is all MY fault) hi. Jar Jar Binks: Hewo Impewial Commando, and Dawth Vadah. Mesa Jar Jar Binks. Be yous friend me. Checkews anyone? (TSEEEEW) Admiral Bob III: Nice SHOT Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: (sighs) Thank you. Admiral Bob III: you're very welcome. Oh, and let me introduce you to my son, Admiral Bob IV. Imperial Commando, this is my son. Admiral Bob IV: Hi. Imperial Commando:(Gives Admiral Bob III the evil eye) Hi. Admiral Bob IV: MY dad taught me everything I know, I'm now his understudy, you know, in case he gets sick or something. Darth Vader: Riiiight... Out OUT!(pushes them out of the E-Zine) Imperial Commando: Thank you. Emperor: What happened to my pal Jar Jar Binks? Imperial Commando: He...uh, decided to see what the afterlife was like. Darth Vader: Now, back to business, I agree with Imperial Commando. We should send in a lot of TIES and hope several of them get through to the base on the planet. The little details can be worked out by the pilots themselves. Waiter: Here's your food, and here's the check, now please Mr. Tine, go away. Emperor: Hey same to you pal! Waiter: I...uh...work here. Imperial Commando: Not anymore you don't! Waiter: What the-? Imperial Commando: Eh, I haven't fired anyone in a while, I figured I'd better get back in the habit. Darth Vader: But...Didn't you fire ME last week? Imperial Commando: You're back now aren't you? Darth Vader: Yeah, and BOY am I hungry. We can continue planning after the meal! ~~~~~~30 minutes later~~~~~~ Darth Vader: Well took you long enough to get back, we've all been done for 15 minutes! Imperial Commando: Yeah, we paid the bill 13 minutes ago and left the restaurant. We've been waiting for you in the freezing cold of space for 13 minutes! Emperor: Yeah, you guys need to work on your timing a little more next time! Readers: Well SO-O-O-ORRY! How would you like it if we all unsubscribed? Imperial Commando: Its...uh...GOOD that you were late! Darth Vader: YEAH! It's VERY good. Imperial Commando: Well, I'll give you an update. We decided that we'll bombard the Rebels with tens of thousands of TIES and obviously, many will get through and blow everything up. Darth Vader: Yeah, but we don't know any Rebel weaknesses, so can you e-mail us all at Imperial_Commando@hotmail.com (we have a shared e-mail account) Imperial Commando:(looking like he's in pain from smiling so much) And remember be creative, be funny, and it's OK to be 15 minutes late! Darth Vader: Yeah! Emperor: You said it! REALLY THIS TIME: ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(Rebel POND Scum): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando