*******Issue 2******** fixing problems within the empire...Part II 00000000 00 000000 00 00 00 00 00 000 00 00000 00 000 00 00 00 00 00 000000 0000000 000 000 0000000 00000000 000000 0000000 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00000 00 00 00 00 000000 00 000000 00000 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 0000000 00 000 00 00 00000000 00 00 0000000 o | __ | /__\ | X~~| |-\|//-. /|`.|'.' \ |,|.\~~ /|| |:|| ';|| |||| | || \ \| |`. |\X| | | | .' ||| | | . ||| LS ||| | `.| |||| | || |||| | || `+.__._._+~' Imperial Royal Guard Act II SCENE I (Darth Vader walks into screen) Darth Vader(flipping through script): What's my motivation? Emperor: Remember, you're Luke's father? Darth: Vaguely... Why? Emperor: Oh, just forget it! YO, DIRECTOR GUY!!! Imperial Commando: What now...Sheesh, I was just in the middle of writing the next issue for my E-Zine Emperor: I can't work with this guy... Imperial Commando: Would you like to see the issue so far? Emperor: ...And I would like to know if you could get another guy... Imperial Commando: It only has a few lines...It'll be quick. Emperor: ...Because I hate working with bad actors. Imperial Commando: And if you read now, I'll also throw in this special.....uh...doohickey? Emperor: (sighs) Did you hear a word I said? Oh, and the "Doohickey" is a laptop. They won't be invented for a while...Remember... This is a LONG TIME AGO in a galaxy far, far away. Imperial Commando: Sorry about Darth today... He's sick, and this "bad actor" is his back-up. Emperor: Oh. Act II SCENE I (Take II) :. . . . . ; . . :. _____ . _____. ____________ _____________ _____: _____ . ::. / /\ / /\f || t/\ \ /\ \ . :::. / /. / / j _____ ||____ _____l \ \ .\ \ \ . `:%n /_/__/ / /f f\____| ||____| |_____/\ \ \__\_\ \ . / ## / /j j'j . | | | | .\ \ \ / _____ / / f f f. | | . | t . .' \ \ _____ \ . / /\__ / / / j j_j_____| | | l .; \ \ \___/\ \ / / / / / / f | . | | :: \ \ \ \ \ \ /____/ /. /____/ / .j________________| |____| :*: . \ \____\ \ \____\ \____\/ \____\/ \________________| |____f " \/____/ \/____/ (Darth Vader walks into the screen) (REAL)Darth Vader: You called for me master? Emperor: Rise my friend. Darth: Yes master. Emperor: The Snowtroopers are uh....erked. Darth: Where are their complaints written? Emperor: On lil' Betsy. _,.-"T _.--{~ :l c" `. :I | .-"~-.\ l .--. | Y_r--. Y) ___I ,-"(~\ Y |[__L__/ j"~=__]~_~\." _/ ___| \.__.r--<~__.T T/ "~/ '--cl___/\ ( () ).,_L_]}--{ `--' `-^--^\ /___"(~\ Y "~7/ \ " `/ // //]--[ /> oX |: L // / `| o\ //. / I [ / \]/ l: | Y.// `|_I I_Z L :] /".-7 [n]l Y / / I // |] / /]"/ L:/ //./ [_7 _ // / _ ,-="_"^K_/ -Row [ ][.-~" ~"-.] Darth: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Emperor: Yes, they burned the complaints into the side of your favorite snow walker....And will you please stop to take a breath? Darth(GASP): Those bastards. Emperor: Go get 'em tiger Darth: Tiger? Emperor: inside joke. Darth: oh. ~~~~~~~(Pitiful Imperial)HUMOR~~~~~~ TOP 10 SNOWTROOPER COMPLAINTS 10. Just as I get all suited up, I have to go to the bathroom. 9. We usually get shot at before we even finish setting up the E-Web cannon. 8. Our cool side stays cool -- but so does our hot side! 7. The "temperature-controlled body-glove" ain't comfort-rated to fifty below. 6. The Biker Scouts laugh at our moon boots. 5. Other divisions get breath-masks. We get yashmaks. 4. Those dang skirts look silly on us! 3. Chafing. 2. Of all the crappiest outfits, we look like the spacefaring KKK! 1. Wampas in heat. Act II SCENE II Darth: Wimps...Why back in my day, we.... Luke: Oh shut up! Just tell 'em how to shape up. Darth: ok son...hey wait a minute...GET BACK HERE!!!! Luke: Sorry, I'm not coming back for another few issues! Darth: ah, here's a way to cheer up those lousy SnowTroopers. .?MMMMMMM8$@m-(".-. (MMMMMMMMMMMMMMe(%e9ODA#%eRwC1%%?!-"; MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM*%JOMMMMMMMMMMM8M0DC?*%4?". .9MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMwe2#MMMMMMRC41%J#M&DC1D8&wM@*M& 'MMMMMMMMMMMMM0@R9eemMMM#0##M9m**i(%???*i(|1#MRD2 MMMMMMMMMMM@$449w2C!J%?C%"";"eCw$"|m==||;-`M. .MMMMMMMMMDO*i(((||(ii?*1?*%i"=(?mR 1%?(("%! mM@MM92e!';"i"?ii(ei;""""";";-(??. %MA!!?;"%"="i""mi'-1"""|""=;"""`&( .(4?"(=';;"""*9w|.-||(i%%|;`';;.;' *eJ;`%("((|i99C|.=|C=!1e;"w...... 0m*"1|;"!*(&9me'.-1 M .`..R 29*"M -&C(.."; "i .'i% #C!%m MRD"...J M.;(|. @81!9 i&&2;...J= 1;!eiM '99*C8 9!"=''`.(% $A&2"92 'w=-(? M%=`.`.e( AMM*%!. CM("A 'OJ%.'.!e #MMO1w% CMA"M. .MMM%-;'*. (MMMR0M %MMO!wD4 -MMM@%"|"M. 1MMMM8&DJ 8O1DMMM0w"(!%(*1%"M* .MM%?AOMMM. 'R#MMMMMM!24mO91!("=J. *MMwMMMMMMM =C@M0MM@Ae2MMMMMMMA1%"%J4| %MMMMMMM0@&M?" Ray Brunner (*M@MMR&&&2C#@#R&&&OC("'.&1='***MMMM#A8&AA1(=( ******%(MMMMM@M#OwmJw4A&&i.="2MMM8OwRwCCC1JmD&&$MD Imperial AT-AT (2) ~~~~~~~(that horrible excuse for imperial)HUMOR~~~~~~ TOP 10 FUN THINGS TO DO IN THE HOTH SYSTEM 10. Playing high-stakes "Chicken" with asteroids 9. Seeing how bad things smell on the inside. 8. Snowball fights 7. Salvaging wreckage 6. Watching your pee freeze before it hits the ground 5. Pitching rocks into the space slug's cave, running away when he comes out 4. Hunting Wampas with a bowcaster 3. Reminding yourself "At least this is better than Dagobah." 2. Leaving 1. Two words: Tauntaun tipping! Darth: HMMMMMMM number 2 needs a little work, but other than that..... ACT II SCENE III Darth: You called me sir? Emperor: Yeah...Ummm, the Snow Troopers are complaining about the hazards of Tauntaun tipping... Darth: Fine change it to Snow walker. Emperor: ok........Done. New assignment...The sandtroopers are feeling appropriately tweaked. Darth: Their complaints are written....where? Emperor: on C3PO. Darth: I'm on it ~~~~~(that insult to comedians everywhere)HUMOR~~~~~ TOP 10 SANDTROOPER COMPLAINTS 10. Lesson One: Never stand behind the Dewbacks. 9. Ever spend a hot day in close-fitting armour? It don't smell pretty. 8. And what is it with the armour? Why not a nice, lightweight, poly-cotton blend? 7. Those dang backpacks full of salted pretzels, bantha jerky, and cashews are just more needless weight. 6. That sand gets everywhere! 5. Would it bankrupt the Empire to give us an auxilliary supply tank of chilled lemonade now and then? 4. Forget the polarized lenses with macrobinocular multi-vision. Just give us some Ray-Bans, for Pete's sake! 3. Those sissified shoulder-pads were designed by the Emperor's notoriously single cousin, Brucie, weren't they? 2. If the Snowtroopers think Tauntauns smell bad, they should smell a Jawa. 1. We always get sent to remote deserts, never nudist beaches. Darth Vader: Hmmm, George Lucas could have done worse.... |~ |.---. .'_____`. /\ |~xxxxx~| || |_ # _| || .------`-#-'-----. (___|\_________/|_.`. / | _________ | | | / |/ _|_ \| | | / /X| __|__ |/ `.| ( --< \\/ _\//|_ |`. `. ~----.-~=====,:======= ~-._____/___:__(``/| | | | XX|~ | | \__/======| /| `.| |_\|\ /|/_| ) |_ \__/ _| .-' | \ .'||`. / |(_| LS | ||.'`.|| | ) | `'| |`' | / | | | |\/ Boba Fett ~~~~~(The Imperial's decapitated)HUMOR~~~~ TOP 10 THINGS WE'RE PRAYING LUCAS WON'T DO 10. A landspeeder flight-simulator game 9. Come out with "Special Edition" videos, then "Special Letterbox Edition" videos, then start work on "The Ultra Edition" 8. Get bought out by Disney or MicroSoft 7. Stop all production on the action figures 6. Pack in the prequels in favor of "Lake Wobegon" narratives 5. Release another "Doom" type game 4. Genetically engineer live Ewoks 3. Thoughtlessly pillage the environment 2. Read this list and get any ideas 1. "The Star Wars Holiday Special: The Special Edition" Act II SCENE IV Imperial Commando: Yo Emperor Palpatine, I'm almost done with the new issue of "The Empire", would you like to proofread it? Emperor: No, now shut up, and leave me alone. Darth: I cheered up those sandtroopers all right. Emperor: Good, NOW we can consider a raise. Darth: Really? For me? Emperor: Goodness no, for ME. Darth: How 'bout we take a vote...The Whole Empire gets to vote. Emperor: ok...Imperial Commando, YOU tell them. Imperial Commando: ok... To vote on who should get a raise, send me an e-mail at Imperial_Commando@hotmail.com, and in the subject bar, type who you think should get the raise(me, Darth Vader, or Emperor Palpatine)...The results will be tallied up, and presented in an upcoming issue. Emperor: hehe...remember who your favorite character is *wink* *wink* Darth: don't listen to him, I'M the one who did all the work *hint* *hint* Imperial Commando: Those fools don't stand a chance against me, *I* did all the work *nudge* *nudge*. __________________________ | .... .. | | .;:-%/%%%%:: | | %:'%%%%'~%%%/:. | | :/ `%~ :\%::. | | :' - _ - - :%%::. | | | . ::%=:' | | )-=~>` `<~=- :::=|' | | ; | :: ::')' | | : ' ' :: ::v:' | | `. (_.=:.` /:':: | | `./ :: \ :' :' | | | ____ | :: | | ( '~ ~` .'| | | \ '~~ .-'.::. | | x---:' .::-'| LS| | _./ `-._.:'~ :. | | _.-'~ \ .' `. | |~ `-._____.-' `| |__________________________| Senator Palpatine Act II SCENE V Darth: Well, that's our show for today, tune in next week, same time, same place, and now, stay tuned for scenes from the next issue of..."The Empire" Anonymous voice: Coming next week: The shocking decision of who will get the raise... The first Website Review... New, Improved ASCII-art... MORE humor...and of course.... Star Wars meets X-Files(unconfirmed) -Imperial Commando(how was my acting?) Jonah