******Episode 19****** =-=-=-= ' =-=-= " " = " ' '=-=- -=-=-= " " ' = ' ' " -=-= =-=-=- "' =" =-=-=- =-=-=-=-= =-=-=- =-=-=- " =- -' ' " ' ' " " ' - = ' - " ' " " ' ' "-=-= ' " " = '=-=-= ' '=-=-= "-=-= ' " ' = " " " " " ' " = - ' ' ' ' ' " =-=-=- - - " =-=-=-=-= " " =-=-=- ' Narrator: Good...evening...Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to...uh...The Empire. In just a few moments, Imperial Commando will be here to talk to you, and answer any questions you may have reguarding what happened last week. Now ladies and gentlemen, IMPERIAL COMMANDO!!! Crowd: yay... Imperial Commando: Thank you, thank you. Well, many of you are wondering what actually HAPPENED last week. So I'll tell you what I know, and then we'll move on to questions. Ok. I know that I ate somewhere around 10,000 lunches last Monday. Apparently it was all part of some Rebel master plan to get me out of the way while they attack the nearly helpless Imperials. Their plan worked all according to plan, except we weren't totally helpless when they attacked. Darth Vader ordered some pilots to try to stop the Rebels. Whether it worked, no one will ever know. But what I do know at this time, is that we got some of the attacking Rebels to convert to the Dark Side. Crowd:(silence except for a bird chirping) Imperial Commando: Um, that's good news. Crowd: yay... Imperial Commando: Well, anyway, we got some pilots of the Rebels to turn to the Dark Side, and they're here with us today. Crowd: (silence)(oh yeah, except for a bird chirping somewhere) Imperial Commando: Ok then. When I finished all the lunches I learned that the Rebels had hacked into our main schedule system, and planned for me to eat all the lunches that day. I was able to change the schedule back so that I would be able to eat lunches on future dates so I won't starve leaving the Empire defenseless, and the E-Zine in ruins. Crowd: yay... Imperial Commando: Other than that, no losses, except for the 15 Star Destroyers, and two news reporters. That's pretty much all I know. I'm open for questions now. Ima Questioner: Yo, Imperial Commando, I have a question. What was the total loss of life on the 15 Star Destroyers. Imperial Commando: I do not have access to that number at this time. Anyone else? Fred Questioner: Yes, um were any main characters killed last week? Imperial Commando: Of COURSE not. What kind of E-Zine do you think this is? Fred Questioner: Well, Joe Reporter and Ed Reporter died and they were sort of main characters. Imperial Commando: Have you noticed that none of the kids in the Reporter family have ever stayed on the job as a reporter for an entire issue? Fred Questioner: Well, I just subscribed last wee- Imperial Commando: Anyone else have a question? Darth Maul: Am I at all related to Darth Vader or Darth Sidious? Imperial Commando: Um, I'm not sure. Are there any other questions related to the situation last week? Darth Sidious: Um, yeah, what's the meaning of life? Imperial Commando: Err, to kill Rebels. Are there any REAL questions that have to do with this situation? Because if there aren't then I've got other things to do. Planning a sneak attack on the Rebels in 5 weeks, a meeting with some people to decide how well we handled the sneak attack, working for money to pay off all the lunches I ate last week- Darth Vader: Um, Imperial Commando, I wasn't aware we were going to plan a surpirse attack on the Rebels. Imperial Commando: Well that's why it still needs to be planned. DUH! Darth Vader: Don't you think these sneak attacks are getting a little too secret? I mean, even the people planning them aren't allowed to know about them. Imperial Commando: Hmm, you seem to have noticed that. I'll need to up the secrecy now. Darth Vader: That... uh... WASN'T my intention. Imperial Commando: That's why I did it. Darth Vader: What's gotten in to you? Imperial Commando: Taxi-driveritis. Darth Vader: Oh, did you hear about my bout with Taxi-driveritis last week? Indigo Leader: Guys, um, I've had my hand up for a question for 5 minutes now. Imperial Commando: Um, ok, thanks for telling me that. Now where was I? Darth Vader: Well, I was so sick I actually stopped speaking English to people got a fare meter in my car, then offered rides. Imperial Commando: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave this issue. Darth Vader: Why? Imperial Commando: Since it has started, you've fallen sufficiently below the moral code. Darth Vader: how? I was just DESCRIBING taxi-driveritis Imperial Commando: oh, is that so, eh? Well then....Just GO! YOU ARE FIRED!!! Darth Vader: What? noooooooo father please! Imperial Commando: I'm err, not your father. That was from April Fool's day last year, remember? Darth Vader: Are you sure? Imperial Commando: Quite, now get out before I have to call security. Darth Vader: Ok, geez. I'll go, but someday, SOMEDAY I'll be BACK and you won't be ready for me then, oh no. You'll be too busy 'fighting the rebels'. Well I got news for you buster, I don't need you, though YOU'LL need me! Crowd: (applauds) Imperial Commando: Good speech. It lacked a base in reality, but it was well worded and strong delivery with a lot of emotion. I give it an 8. Emperor: Well imperial commando, it was a good summing up of the speech, very well described, I give the sum up a 9.5. Imperial Commando: you weren't supposed to judge that. Darth Vader: well in that case, you weren't supposed to judge MY speech either. Imperial Commando: yeah, it's in the schedule. Darth Vader: well if it's in the schedule, it must be right. Imperial Commando: I love hearing that. Now if you don't mind, I believe I fired you. (Darth Vader walks out of the room) Imperial Commando: That's right. There are going to be some changes around here. First of all, we will no longer deal with Darth Vader's attitude. We will not put up with incompetence from leaders of the Rebels, or the Empire. I'm not the real Imperial Commando as you can guess, but I've come to make this e-zine a better place to live in. Darth Vader: That means I'm hired again?! Imperial Commando: No! Where do you get that idea? Darth Vader: Same place the REAL Imperial Commando's locked up. Imperial Commando: What, the hall closet? Darth Vader: Thanks for telling me, be right back... Imperial Commando: What?! Hey he can't do that, I thought I said there WOULDN'T be any incompetence. IMPERIAL COMMANDO: I WRITE THIS E-ZINE, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HEY I THOUGHT ONLY *I* COULD TALK IN ALL CAPS! Imperial Commando: Shut up Bob. Now, for the reader's sake I'll tell you, I'm not a Rebel, but I am an Imperial, who's just had too much of this E-Zine. I knew that something had to be done, and someday, you'll all thank me. (Darth Vader walks back into room with Imperial Commando 2. What's going to happen next?) Imperial Commando: You can't do this to me! It's for your own good. Imperial Commando 2: Really, I'll bet there wasn't a single bit of humor in the parts where you were acting like yourself. Imperial Commando: So? Imperial Commando 2: Well genious, that's what this list is all about. It's not about "Real News." or seriousness. It's about making people laugh. Brightnening up a person's day while practicing writing that could someday help you get a career. Darth Vader: Great word choice, good emotion, and it was an appropriate length. I'd give that speech a 10. Imperial Commando 2: Is that supposed to be funny? Imperial Commando: yeah, you weren't here when it set it up as an inside joke earlier. CROWD #1: You can't overthrow Imperial Commando, Imperial Commando 2. For once someone other than you had a good idea. REAL news, not this stupid little stuff you're supposed to laugh at. CROWD #2: Now hold it right there Crowd #1, If they want REAL news there are always other E-Zines to subscribe to, but there's only one funny enough to bring this much happiness. Crowd #1 aught to be ashamed of yourselves. CROWD #1: WE should be be ashamed? Well excuse me, but I don't think space and the wars going on are any laughing matter. Darth Vader's Sidekick, George: There's only ONE way to figure this out. Who can make the best ASCII art is the REAL Imperial Commando. (after a couple weeks of organization, they get a contest ready to go..... ______________________ (________________\/\/\/\ / :======: / :======: | ; =====; \/ ______ Imperial Commando drew this, and _____ _____ ____/ ___ \_/ ___ \_____ ____ |_._| _ |_._| _____ \_____/ \_____/ Imperial Commando 2 did this one. guess who won... OUR Imperial Commando. After all... Imperial Commando needs to plan out the attack for next... And guess which one is now a millionaire reaping the awards of living like Bill Gates. Both of them really, but which one deserves it more? Ours of course. The moral of this is to never let your clone get the best of you. Don't listen to walls, and turn yourself in if you're insane. ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(you'll be marked as a rebel if you clikc here): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando