******Episode 18****** !!!!!!!!! : !!!! : : : : : !!!!!! !!!! : : : : : : : :::: :::::: !! !! :::::: ::::::::: :::::: :::::: ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !:::: ! ! ! ! !::::: ! !::::: !:::: ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! :::::: ! ! ! ::::::::: ! ! :::::: ... 'Why do people discriminate against insane people? We're the majority!' (Next week's issue will come out of Wednesday, or Thurseday. It's an unavoidable delay) THE FOLLOWING IS PART OF THE SCRIPT OF THE MOVIE 'THE IMPERIAL COMMANDO STORY.' Darth Vader: Well Imperial Commando, this is a long-awaited day. You will be eating several years worth of lunches. Good luck to you. I'll be typing the next issue of 'The Empire' for you. Imperial Commando: I feel ready to eat, but, isn't there someone else who can do the list, I mean come on. YOU writing it. It won't be funny. It won't be hip. It won't be original. It won't be cool. It won't be intellectually stimulating...not that we'd notice a difference...But still... Darth Vader: Um, ok, I'll have... redaV htraD do it... Imperial Commando: Good, anyone but you. Darth Vader:(winks)heh heh. Riiiight, (takes off his helmet this time so the audience can see him winking) FADE TO: Space, cluttered with stars. Pan down to an announcer's booth where we see two more kids in the Reporter family, Ed and Joe. Ed Reporter: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm Ed Reporter and over there is my brother Joe Reporter. Joe Reporter:(waves) Hi. Ed Reporter: And we're here because SOMEONE needs to host this clever sneak attack by the Rebels so that the readers know what's going on. The Rebels have scheduled for the leader of the Imperials, Imperial Commando to eat lunches ALL day today, hopefully keeping him busy while the Rebels attack. Joe Reporter: That's right Ed. It was a very good plan for the Rebels, because the Imperials are nearly helpless without Imperial Commando. After all, without him, the leader is Darth Vader. Yeah, Darth Vader. Ed Reporter: Well, Imperial Commando is in the lunchroom eating, already on his second lunch, but the Rebels are nowhere to be found. Joe Reporter: That's right Ed. If the Rebels don't show, this could make for one lousy issu- (TSEEEW)(TSEWTSEWTSEW)(TSEEW)(BOOOM)(BOOOOOM)(BOOM)!!!! Joe Reporter: I always speak too soon. Ed Reporter: HOW CAN YOU BE CALM? THE REBELS JUST BLEW UP STUFF RIGHT BEHIND US, AND RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, MIRACULOUSLY MISSING!!! EXCUSE ME, BUT ONLY *I*, BOB, CAN TALK IN ALL CAPS THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Joe Reporter: Yeah Ed, and he never has a name in front of what he says(see issues four and twelve). RIGHT I CERTAINLY AM THE MOST POPULAR CHARACTER IN THIS LIST. YUP I'M SO GOOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVEN'T BEEN OFFERED A BETTER JOB. Ed Reporter:(mumbling) I can. Joe Reporter: Ed can. Darth Vader: Joe Reporter just said Ed can. Imperial Commando: Darth Vader just said that Joe Reporter just said that Ed Reporter can. UM, IMPERIAL COMMANDO, DON'T YOU HAVE SEVERAL THOUSAND LUNCHES TO EAT OR SOMETHING? Imperial Commando: Well excuuuuuse me for taking a snack break. Joe Reporter: Um, Imperial Commando... Ed Reporter: Out OUT! Joe Reporter: SOMEONE'S a little jumpy today. Ed Reporter: Hey, how would YOU be after 32 pints of coffeine. Joe Reporter: Coffeine? Ed Reporter: Don't ask. Joe Reporter: Isn't that that stuff Mom used to serve us before math tests? Ed Reporter: No, I think that was caffee. Joe Reporter: Are you sure? Ed Reporter: Yeah. Joe Reporter: How could you tell the difference? Ed Reporter: I would explain, but the Rebels are scheduled to blow up something close to us again. (TSEWTSEW) (B-BOOOOM) MIND IF I COME DOWN THERE TO HELP YOU GUYS REPORT? Joe Reporter and Ed Reporter:: YES!!! OK THEN, SEE YOU IN FIVE MINUTES. Ed Reporter and Joe Reporter:: WHAT?!? NO! John Newscaster: Hello everyone! I'm here so that there's a variety in names. Lord Commando was worried the readers would get bored of just you two. So naturally, he picked me and my incredible personality. Imperial Commando: Actually John, it was because of the $20,000 you promis- John Newscaster: Well as much as we'd all LOVE to hear more from Imperial Commando, he's got about 10,000 more lunches to get through. Ed Reporter: John, um, you weren't scheduled to be in this episode. John Newscaster: Just as well, I'm a Rebel trying to infiltrate this so called, E-Zine 'The Empire.' I hear it's really popular. Joe Reporter: I say we kill him, then get back to reporting. A lot is happening that we're not talking about. Ed Reporter: Right. John Newscaster: Ha ha guys. Kill me. You guys crack me up sometimes! Guys? Heh heh, this isn't funny anymore...Why are you looking at me like that? Joe Reporter: Well, it's been nice talking to you. Goodbye. (TSEEW TSEEW) Joe Reporter: DANG! What are the odds I'd miss at point blank range... Although...I AM an Imperial. Ed Reporter: ENOUGH with the Imperial jokes. The STORM troopers can't hit the broad side of a barn. There's nothing about Reporters in there! Joe Reporter: Sorry. I'll REALLY shoot him now.... Ed Reporter: Well, what's taking so long? Joe Reporter: Uh, where'd he go? Bob: Hey Joe Reporter, yo Ed Reporter. Joe Reporter: But..he was...John Newscaster had... There was... Bob: Um, nice to meet you too. The Rebels are mostly sitting around arguing. Why don't we crank up the volume a little bit to hear what they're saying. Ed Reporter: FINALLY! Rebel A-Wing Pilot: No, it's YOUR turn to blow up something of the Imperial's. *I* flew the second Death Star assault. Rebel X-Wing Pilot: Ah, but you're not realizing that *I* attacked the Imperials in the battle six weeks ago. Rebel Y-Wing Pilot: All right already! I'll settle this! A-Wing Pilot, you fly around that way, and blow up that Star Destroyer. X-Wing Pilot, you fly around that way and taunt the Imperials. Ever seen "Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail?" Taunt them the way the French guy did. I'll go this way and attack the announcers. Got it. Rebel A-Wing Pilot: What?!? That's not fair. All HE has to do is taunt them. ANY idiot can taunt the Imperials. Not much challenge there. *I* on the other hand have to actually attack. Rebel Y-Wing Pilot: Look Bruce, do you want to attack the Imperials, or do you want to just go home with no damage done to the Imperials. We may not get an opportunity like this for a while. Bob: While the Rebels were blabbering, I noticed an interesting pattern. The battle issues occur on the issues that are multiples of six. The first one was six, then twelve, now eighteen-OOF! Joe Reporter: IDIOT! You weren't supposed to tell them that! Ed Reporter: Darth Vader, isn't there SOMEONE else who can report with us, besides Bob. We hate him. John Newscaster: Hello again people! Ed Reporter: I take that back. Bob is fine. Bob: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that... Joe Reporter: Why? You could easily fire him. Bob: We've been through enough characters already this issue. Joe Reporter: Says who? Bob: Says Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: He's right you know. Ed Reporter: Imperial Commando, if you keep dropping in on us like this, you're not going to be able to finish all the lunches today. THE NEXT DAY... JUST KIDDING. Joe Reporter: Uuuuuhhh....Bob... WHAT? Ed Reporter: Ooookay...Back to the battle *cough* *cough*. The Rebels finally agreed on an attack strategy, and are NOW ATTACKING THE ANNOUNCER'S BOOTH!!!! HEY! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT TALKING IN ALL CAPS? Ed Reporter: Oh shut UP! This is SERIOUS! Imperial Commando: He's right you know! Joe Reporter: If this keeps up, this may be the first issue in history where Imperial Commando is the one who gets slapped. Imperial Commando: He's right you- OWCH! Ed Reporter: Ok, back to the battle scene AGAIN! The Y-Wing pilot guy has fired some lasers at us, but us arguing kind of paused them in mid travel to the announcer's booth...Uh oh. DUCK!!! Joe Reporter: Where?(looks around) (B-BOOOM) AMAZINGLY, THE EXPLOSION MISSED EVERYONE EXCEPT JOE REPORTER, OH YEAH, AND THE VACUUM OF SPACE ISN'T HURTING US AT ALL HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA- Ed Reporter: Well, while we put Bob away in a nice bouncy room, we need to get back to the battle. The Y-Wing pilot who fired at us realized he only killed one of us and is circling around for another attack. Darth Vader called for some Omicron pilots to intercept the Rebels. Darth Vader: That's right, I did. Imperial Commando: He's right you know! Darth Vader: Um... Imperial Commando, you wouldn't happen to have Emperoritis, or Presidentitis, or Bobitis, or some other kind of itis we don't know about, would you? Imperial Commando: I think I have Admiral Bob IIIitis. Darth Vader: Who's Admiral Bob III? Imperial Commando: The guy who always pops in whenever I shoot somebody, and says Nice shot Imperial Commando! Darth Vader: Um...Riiiight. Look, we put Bob in this really cool room with bouncy walls, and- Imperial Commando: He's right you... (Darth Vader glares at Imperial Commando) Imperial Commando: Hey, I was just kidding! Darth Vader: And a needle called lethal injection, and a really neat chair that can make your hair REALLY stand up, and these ropes you can use as stress relievers for your neck. Results may vary. Imperial Commando: You know, I've got a crap load of lunches to eat, why don't I get back to that... Darth Vader: Beats me. Ed Reporter: Um, the Rebels..uh... Blew up three or four star destroyers... THAT'S RIGHT ED, AND NOW THEY'RE BACK TO ARGUING. Ed Reporter: Yeah. The rebels seem to be a little ill themselves. CUT TO: Rebel Headquarters... Admiral Ackbar: Ok, the primary attack team is already there, but they've been intercepted by Omicron Squadron. Indigo Squadron, you'll take the same course that Y-Wing pilot, X-Wing Pilot, and A-Wing pilot took. Puce Squadron, you'll attack the Star Destroyers from behind, and Neon Black Squadron, you'll give your lives if you have to, to destroy the announcer's booth. Any questions? Han Solo: Yeah, um, of X-Wing Pilot, Y-Wing Pilot, and A-Wing pilot, which one is Bruce? Admiral Ackbar: Ummm...Any REAL questions? Blue Leader: Why is it that all the pilots that we are sending have emperoritis? Admiral Ackbar: They don't, they're just a little angry that St. Patrick's day hasn't been invented yet(or is it discovered?) Blue Leader: WHAT?!? You mean it HASN'T been invented yet? Well no WONDER everyone looked at me funny when I painted my body green and pinched people who didn't do the same. Admiral Ackbar: It's a bizarre world we live in. CUT TO: Space with a lot of stars. We see several ships fly by. Indigo ones, Puce ones, and Neon black ones. Neon Black Leader: Everyone in position? Let's roll! Ed Reporter: Uh oh, it looks like we're being attacked by some neon black ships... WHAT MEAN WE IMPERIAL MAN? Ed Reporter: I mean I got about 12 ships heading right for me. I GUESS I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT NOW. HOW ABOUT HA HA. Ed Reporter: Um, I hate to break it to you, but you're in this booth with me. UH OH.....GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!! Ed Reporter: Huh? (BBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM) DANG IT, I LOST ANOTHER KID IN THE REPORTER FAMILY. THEY PROBABLY REALLY HATE ME NOW. Imperial Commando: He's right you know! HOW MANY MORE LUNCHES DO YOU NEED TO EAT? Imperial Commando: About two or three thousand, why? SHOULDN'T YOU BE EATING IT? THE ISSUE IS ALMOST OVER AND YOU HAVE SEVERAL THOUSAND LUNCHES TO EAT. Imperial Commando: Uh oh. Can you stall the end of the issue for me Bob? I'LL TRY, BUT IF THE READERS GET BORED... Imperial Commando: JUST DO IT! NO FAIR, I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN TALK IN ALL CAPS. CUT TO: Rebel Headquarters, wherever it is now. Admiral Ackbar: I'd say the attack was a sucess. We took out 15 Star Destroyers, we killed two announcers, and whatever you guys did Indigo Squadron, I'm sure it was good. Indigo Leader: Actually admiral, we've decided to convert. Admiral Ackbar: WHAT!?! Indigo Leader: Well, on our course to what Y-Wing Pilot, X-Wing Pilot and A-Wing pilot said, we saw how much better the Imperials were, and we saw some secret codes of theirs, and I can tell you right now... You may have won the battle, but you'll lose the war. Indigo Two: Wait, I thought that was my line. Indigo Three: No, you were supposed to say HA! and walk out right after Indigo Leader says that. Indigo Four: Yeah. Indigo Two: HA!(sticks his nose up in the air and walks out) Indigo Three: So long Suckers!!! Indigo Two:(sticks his head back in the doorway) How was that? (BANG!) Admiral Bob III: Nice SHOT Indigo Leader. Admiral Ackbar: What the-? Indigo Leader: It's a privilage the Imperials have. Whenever someone gets shot, ol' Admiral Bob III here says nice shot. Indigo Five: Just one of the many advantages of the Imperials. Indigo Six: Yeah. Goodbye. Come on Indigo Pilots, let's go to the party on the Executer II. I hear Imperial Commando finished his lunches. Indigo Seven: Yeah! Admiral Ackbar: Umm....Well, all that matters is that we won...Right? Puce Leader: You know what, I feel the same way about the Imperials. I'm leaving. Neon Black Leader: Me too...or three... no wait, twenty five. 12 for the indigo guys, twelve of you then me. CUT TO: Party on Executer II. Imperial Commando: No it wasn't THAT hard to eat them all. Though it wasn't very pleasant about the mayonaise that hadn't been properly refrigerated for two weeks. Who's fault WAS that anyway? Darth Vader: Um...he he... Imperial Commando: I'm not mad, I just have a REAL bad stomach ache. Indigo Leader: EWWWW what's that smell? Imperial Commando: That'd be me. (Everone stares) Imperial Commando: Oh all right. This has been a fun week. See you next week same Imperial time, same Imperial E-Zine. ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(who thinks I need to include this say XSZRQPBYTNHGRWTBMQZ...No one? good.): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando