********E p i s o d e 1 7******** (a number George Lucas sure as heck didn't make it to) \\\\\\\\\ \ \ \ \\\\\ \ \ \ \ \ \\\\\\ \\\\\\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \\\\\ \\\\\\ \\ \\ \\\\\\ \\\\\\\\ \\\\\\ \\\\\\ \ \\ \\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \\\\\ \ \ \ \ \\\\\\ \ \\\\\\ \\\\\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \\\\\\ \ \ \ \\\\\\\\ \ \ \\\\\\ 'Give Darth Vader his son, and he'll try to make him turn to the Dark Side, for a day, give Darth Vader ALL the Rebels, and he'll sure as heck kill all of them!(except wedge who he'll keep for questioning)' WELCOME TO ISSUE 17. I WAS HIRED BY IMPERIAL COMMANDO TO DO AN INTRODUCTION, BUT BY GOLLY HE DOESN'T PAY ME ENOUGH. WHY IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE MY PAYCHECK, YOU WOULD SURELY- Imperial Commando: He he, sorry about that folks, he's still a little stressed out from last week. Nothing too serious, nothing a little round of downsizing won't cure. Anyway, where was he? Oh yes. This is issue 17, and the Imperials are spending all week running around, preparing me for all the lunches I'll be eating next Monday(see last week's issue at www.egroups.com/group/the-empire for why). I'm a little confused, but it's in my schedule, and you know how schedule based us imperials are. Scheduled in this issue is...Um stuff I'm not allowed to tell you yet. So sit back, relax, and enjoy your read of this issue, and please read again. Darth Vader: Paper sacks, we need more paper sacks! Emperor: We need more sandwhiches too! And don't forget the bread this time. Yeah I'm talking to you mister "I know how to make a breadless sandwich." Darth Vader: Um, (holds up quotation fingers) "master" That IS how you make a breadless sandwich. And it wasn't mister "I know how to make a breadless sandwich." It was the guy right next to him, mister "I know how to change the schedule for next week, but I'm not going to because my name is too long and it would be too much of a burden for Imperial Commando to write it over and over again." Emperor: Oh yeah... Darth Vader: NAPKINS!! This lunch doesn't have napkins! Emperor: If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room... Darth Vader: That's great... Doritoes! We need more chips!!!...Wait-a-minute, The Emperor doesn't have a room... Imperial Commando: How's everything going? Darth Vader: Pretty good, you fasting so that you'll be able to eat 28 years 3 months, and 16 days of lunches next week? Imperial Commando: That's right, I KNEW there was something I forgot to do... Darth Vader: You wouldn't happen to know where the two million pounds of bologna that we ordered for the bologna sandwiches went, would you? Imperial Commando: Doo da doo da... Darth Vader: Imperial Commando.... Imperial Commando: da doo da day. Darth Vader: That's going on YOUR paycheck. Imperial Commando: Oh big whoop, I make...more than you. Darth Vader: How MUCH more? Imperial Commando: See that skycraper over there? Darth Vader: No, we are on the third Death Star, there are no skyscrapers here. Imperial Commando: Ok, see the EXECUTER II? Darth Vader: DUH, it's about to crash into the Death Star. Imperial Commando: I bought that with one of my smaller bonuses. Now, what did you say? Darth Vader: I said it's about to crash into the Death Star. Imperial Commando: That's what I thought you said... That's not on the schedule. Why don't you tell them that. Darth Vader: Because telling them that it's not on the schedule isn't on the schedule. Imperial Commando: Then PUT it on the schedule. Darth Vader: I can't, because it's not on the schedule to change the schedule so that I can tell a ship that something's not on the schedule. Imperial Commando: Then PUT it on the schedule!!! Darth Vader: I can't, because it's not on the schedule to change the schedule, so that I can change the schedule- Imperial Commando: Did I hear The Emperor say he was going to his room? He doesn't have a room. Darth Vader: I know that, but he still said he was going to his room, I wonder where he's going... Imperial Commando: Leave that to me... Darth Vader: No, leave that to me... Imperial Commando: NO! I said leave that to ME! Darth Vader: I don't care what you said. *I* said leave that to ME!!! Imperial Commando: Ok. Darth Vader: Wait, no, I don't want to know what he's up to. YOU do it Imperial Commando. Imperial Commando: No, no, I insist, YOU really wanted to go, so I'm letting you. Darth Vader: Yeah, but I didn't think you'd ACTUALLY let me! Imperial Commando: BREAD, we need more BREAD! Now, what were you saying? Darth Vader: Oh all right, I'LL go see what he's up to.(walks out) Emperor: The name's Tine...Palpa Tine. Imperial Commando: Um, Palpa Tine, what were you doing trying to go to your room? Emperor: Um, nothing, why? Imperial Commando: You, uh, don't HAVE a room. Emperor: I don't? Then what was that? Imperial Commando: What was what? Emperor: The room I was in. Imperial Commando: How should I know? Emperor: You seem to know everything. Darth Vader:(walking back) He's right Imperial Commando, you DO seem to know everything... Omega Leader: Yeah Imperial Commando, how is it that you ALWAYS know everything. Imperial Commando: CHEESE, WE NEED MORE CHEESE!!! Now, what were you all saying? Omega Leader: Palpa Tine said you seem to know everthing, Darth Vader walked in and said that you DO seem to know anything, then I walked in and asked why do you seem to know everything. Then you said the thing about cheese, and asked me what we had said. Then I said that Palpa Tine said you seem to know everything, then I said that Darth Vader walked in and- Imperial Commando: ALL RIGHT ALREADY! I get the picture. Darth Vader:(hands Imperial Commando a picture)Here you go. Imperial Commando:(pulls out a notepad and pencil, and starts mumbling as he writes) NOTE TO SELF: NEVER hire a literalist as your...(looks at Darth Vader)..."friend".(puts pencil and notepad away). Darth Vader:(pulls out a pencil and notepad and starts mumbling as he writes)NOTE TO SELF: NEVER be hired by someone who- Imperial Commando: HEY! That's my pencil you're writing with! Worker #1: Here's the first load of lunch bags Imperial Commando, where do you want them. Imperial Commando: Oh, just put them in the refrigerator. Worker #1: Um, they won't fit sir. Imperial Commando: BUY A NEW REFRIGERATOR THEN! Worker #1: Um, we'd need to sell all the lunches we've made so far. Imperial Commando: Put them in...(thinks)(still thinking)(hey buddy, he's still thinking, so lay off!)(what part of thinking don't you understand?)(light goes on behind his head) DARTH VADER!!! Put that light away! I'm trying to think. Darth Vader: So-o-o-rry Mr.Grumpy Face. Imperial Commando: ME grumpy face? You ought to get that helmet checked once in a while, stinky head. Darth Vader: Stinky head? ME? Well, I wouldn't be talking Mr.Shower once a month. Imperial Commando: Yeah, well YOU shouldn't be talking either Mr.Shower whenever the Rebels win. Darth Vader: At least it gets done more than once a month. Imperial Commando: SHUT UP!!! YOU couldn't beat them either. Darth Vader: No, but at least I shower. Imperial Commando: WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THE SHOWER THING ALREADY?!?! Darth Vader: Sorry Dad. Imperial Commando: You MORON! That wasn't supposed to be revealed to the readers until NEXT WEEK. Don't you EVER follow the schedule? THE STORY KIND OF GOES ON AND ON LIKE THIS FOR A COUPLE MORE HOURS. A FEW JERRY SPRINGER FANS SHOW UP TO WATCH, BUT EVENTUALLY THEY GET BORED, AND GO WATCH OPRAH... HA HA, BUT SERIOUSLY NOW. Imperial Commando: Thank you Bob(he's the narrator)(Bob I mean)(Really) Worker #2: Here's another load of lunches Imperial Commando, we still don't have a place to put them(Bob is still the narrator)! Imperial Commando: Put them in...(thinks)(still thinking)(hey, why don't we play a game while he's thinking...Tic Tac Toe all right with you??? Is IT? Well? No? Ok, how about we play name the narrator. You go first.)(say it)(OUT LOUD)(hmm, looks like you win...How'd you know?)(oh, yeah.)(looks like Imperial Commando has thought of something now, let's go back to the story)(ok?)(got it). Imperial Commando: Hey, um, Darth Vader...You didn't let our narrator edit this issue by any chance, did you? Darth Vader: Yes, why? Imperial Commando: Would you like me to repeat what I said earlier? Darth Vader: Which time? Imperial Commando:(why don't we play name the narrator again?)(no?)(why not?)(oh, yes Imperial Commando DOES look like he's getting mad doesn't he)(why don't we play name the Imperial Commando?)(I'll go first this time)(I think it's- AUGHHH!!!) Imperial Commando: That should take care of THAT problem for a while. I fired him. He's overpaid anyway.(I am?) Darth Vader: Um, Imperial Commando... While that was happening, Worker #3, #4, #5, and #6 got a load ready, we need a place to put them. Imperial Commando: I got an idea! Darth Vader: Oh, no, you mean? Imperial Commando: Yes. Darth Vader: No Way! Imperial Commando: YES way. Darth Vader: No Way! Imperial Commando: YES way. Darth Vader: I can't believe you! Imperial Commando: YES wa- Oh, oops, I mean, I'm not Santa Claus. Darth Vader: By the way, what exactly IS your idea? Imperial Commando: I'll write a plot hole, and we'll put them in there. Darth Vader: Um, great idea. But I've got a better one. Why don't we store them in the sewer. Imperial Commando: Because that's NOT a better idea. Omega Leader: Then I said that I said that I said that I said that I said that Darth Vader walked in and said You DO seem to know everything Imper-AUGGGHH(That looks a little like what happened to me.)(Really)(I mean it)(By the way, guess who the narrator is)(correct)(it's Bob) Imperial Commando: Wait-a-minute...I fired Bob...Twice. Once in issue 12, and earlier this issue. Hmmmmm...Watch your step Darth Vader, we don't wan a repeat of issue nine *cough*see www.egroups.com/group/the-empire*cough*for the*cough*archive*cough* Darth Vader: Um, that's great... Imperial Commando: So then the guy next to me said hey, try this. I said what are you, some kind of doctor, and he said...yeah. My heartburn..err, COUGHING went away, and I could make it through the day. A REAL nice man that doctor. Darth Vader: You're not, uh, scheduled to do that commercial for two weeks. Omega Leader: So then I said that I said that I said that I said that I saaid that I said that I said that I said that I- Darth Vader: Didn't you already fire him? Imperial Commando: All those bags aren't going to fit into just two plot holes. Worker #12: Better write another one Imperial Commando, we got another truckload of loads of bags of lunches coming. Imperial Commando: Are you SURE this is only 28 years of lunches? Worker #12: What? Imperial Commando: I said, Are you SURE this is only 28 years on lunches! Worker #12: Oh. Imperial Commando: How could you mis-hear me? Yo could just re-read it. Worker #12: I was helping you pad it. You say it's hard to pad it up to 20K. Imperial Commando: True. Very true. In fact, why don't we discuss that for a while... Worker #12: How about not...I've got another 4 loads of bags to put into your tiny little plot holes. Imperial Commando: Hey, it won't be easy to EAT all of them next week either! Worker #12: What? Imperial Commando: I SAID, It won't be easy...Oh forget it. Worker #13: I got another load ready! Worker #14: Me too. Worker #15: Me three. Worker #16: Me...uh...four. Worker #17: Me...uh...seventeen. Imperial Commando: Just put them in the plot holes. Worker #17: What? Imperial Commando: I said, Just put them in the plot holes...or are you just trying to pad this issue. Worker #17: The second one... Imperial Commando: Why you little- I don't NEED any help padding. I've been padding for nearly 15 issues now, and so far NO ONE has noticed! Darth Vader: Imperial Commando, you have a lot of eating to do in 7 days, you'd better start getting prepared.(I noticed) Darth Vader: shut up Bob. Imperial Commando: GET IN MAH BELLY! Darth Vader: Um, ok, how about NOT. Imperial Commando: Were you scared when I did that? Darth Vader: A little why? Imperial Commando: Most people are. Darth Vader: You've been awake a little bit too long, why don't you go to bed now. The food will be here next week, and so will your "BELLY". Ok? Imperial Commando: Ok, you're right I guess I should let you boss me around so that I can finish all my lunches next week. Darth Vader: Right. Imperial Commando: Yeah right you think you can boss ME around, you little sonofa- ~~~~~~Out Of Character Talk~~~~~~ No Rediculous Rebel Questions this week, I guess the Rebels finally realized that they have nothing left to question...Or so the Imperials thought... ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(who thinks I need to include this say XSZRQPBYTNHGRWTBMQZ...No one? good.): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando Anyone who actually read down this far, e-mail me, and I'll give you a present.