******Episode 16****** ///////// / / / //// / / / / / ///// ///// / / / / / / / ///// ////// // // ////// //////// ////// ////// / // // / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / ///// / / / / ///// / ////// ///// / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / ////// / / / //////// / / ////// 'Now in 3D! That is, if you sort of tilt your head...yeah, that's it..' THE SETTING FOR THIS ISSUE IS YET ANOTHER BORING MEETING, CALLED BY DARTH VADER ON GROUNDS OF LETTING REBELPILOT ESCAPE WHEN HE COULD EASILY HAVE BEEN CAPTURED, BUT STUFF HAPPENS, YATTA, YATTA YATTA. Darth Vader: Well, as is obvious, Imperial Commando here just let a major rebel slip through his greasy fingers. Imperial Commando: Actually Darth, if you recall, I let him g- Darth Vader: ENOUGH of your blabbering. I came here to rant at you, and that's just what I'll do. Now, where was I? Emperor: I still don't see why I was needed for this. Darth Vader: Quiet Palpa Tine! Imperial Commando: He didn't do anything to hurt me, and I would have been mobbed by his readers if I'd hurt him. Darth Vader: SO? Are you going to let a couple hundred angry Rebels get in your way? Imperial Commando: Well, yeah, I gue- Darth Vader: You complete MORON! I hope you get smarter, for your sake, the Emperor is not as forgiving as I am. Emperor: Yes, actually, I'm MORE forgiving than you are. Darth Vader: Um, ok, maybe you are...But you weren't in Episode VI! Emperor: Yes... I was. Darth Vader: Ok then, Return(cough)Revenge(cough)of the Jedi. Emperor: What again? Darth Vader: You know! The third Star wars movie made by George Lucas that was any good? Emperor: OH! George Lucas. I thought you were talking about the episodes on this E-Zine. Darth Vader: Well, as long as we're clear on that. Now, what were we talking about? Oh yes...What the?!? Where's Imperial Commando? ******MEANWHILE, BACK ON TATOOINE...****** Fred: So, James, what do you want to do? James: I don't know, what do you want to do Doug? Doug: I don't know, what do YOU want to do Bob? Bob: I don't know, what do YOU want to do Fred? Fred: I don't know, what do YOU want to do James? James: I don't know, what do YOU want to do Doug? Doug: I don't know, what do YOU want to do Bob? Bob: I don't know, what do YOU want to do Fred? Fred: I don't know- *****AHEM, SORRY ABOUT THAT, SERIOUSLY NOW, MEANWHILE, BACK ON DANTOOINE***** Imperial Commando: Hey there Han, how're you doing? Good, good, glad to hear it. Yo, Greedo, don't get too greedy! Hey Wedge, you're looking a little triangular shaped today. Ha Ha Ha, but seriously now... Darth Vader: THERE HE IS!!! Get him! Imperial Commando: Hello angry mob of storm troopers...Wait, what did I just say? "angry mob of storm troopers." Yeah, that's what I thought I said... Uh, oh. Darth Vader:(speaking as Imperial Commando is being handcuffed) I checked with the official book of entries, and exits and found that when you signed out of the death star, you left the location of where you were going. Imperial Commando: It'll be the last mistake YOU'LL ever make. Darth Vader: Um, I'm not Jabba. Imperial Commando: You're a hutt... Darth Vader: No, I said I LIVE IN a hut. Imperial Commando: oh, um. Hmm, well, gee, that's too bad. Darth Vader: How so? Imperial Commando: um, hehe, I uh, (clears his throat) Well, when you said you live in a hut, I took that to mean that you WERE a hutt, and, well, heh heh. Darth Vader: What? Imperial Commando: err... ******MEANWHILE, ON TATOOINE...****** Fred: No, I STILL don't know what to do, what about you James? James: Nope, I STILL don't know what to do, what about you Doug? Doug: Nope I STILL don't know what to do, what about you Bob? Fred: Bob? James: Hey, Where's Bob? ******I JUST FELT LIKE SHOWING YOU THAT. NOW BACK TO DANTOOINE.****** Darth Vader: So, let me get this straight... You thought I was a hutt, even though you've known me for YEARS, and you wanted a restaurant to be made out of me, called Pizza? Imperial Commando: I thought I'd give you SOME credit, and call it Pizza Hut. Darth Vader: And you wanted it to be a successful pizza company? Imperial Commando: Yeah. Darth Vader: One last question... Imperial Commando: Shoot. (BANG) Voice: AUUUGGHHHH!!!!(falls in a crumpled heap) Imperial Commando: Oops. I wasn't talking to you Boba Fett. Boba Fett: Oops, sorry. Imperial Commando: This is SO not going to look good on my e-zine this week. Darth Vader: Can we get to my question now? Imperial Commando: Sho- go ahead. Darth Vader: What's pizza? Imperial Commando: It's this cool new thing that will be invented in a long time from now, in a galaxy far, far away. It's an Italian food that- Darth Vader: What's Italian? Imperial Commando: Oh never mind. ******MEANWHILE, BACK ON TATOOINE...****** Doug: I dunno, where do YOU think Bob is? Fred: I dunno, where do YOU think Bob is? James: I dunno, where do YOU think Bob is? Doug: I dunno, where do YOU think Bob is? ******OOPS, I MEAN, BACK ON THE DEATH STAR, SORRY ABOUT THAT...****** Jar Jar Binks: Hewo, mesa Jar Jar Binks, mesa have meeting with Imperial Commandosa. Front Desk Worker Person: Ok Mr. Binks, fill out these forms, and he'll be ready to see you.(hands Jar Jar a stack of 200 or so papers) Jar Jar Binks: Oof, Okaysa.(takes the forms to his seat where there are several other Gungans working on the forms) (another person walks in the door, HUMAN person) Front Desk Person: Hello, how may I help you? Person #1: Um, hi, I have a meeting with Imperial Commando. Front Desk Person: Sure person #1, He's on Dantooine right now, but he should be back in a few minutes, so wait in this room and he'll be right with you. Or you could go to the other room, and laugh at the Gungans. Person #1: How'd you know my name? (front desk person glares at him) Person #1: Oh, uh, I'll laugh at the Gungans please. Front Desk Person: Good choice, most people choose that. You may select one of these weapons to laugh at them with, mace, sword, battle droid, light saber, blaster, thermal detonator... ******I TOOK YOU THERE TO SHOW YOU THAT A CROWD WAS BEGINNING TO FORM OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE A MEETING WITH IMPERIAL COMMANDO, ALTHOUGH I COULD HAVE JUST TOLD YOU THAT, THIS STRESSES THE POINT. NOW, A LOT MORE THAN AN UNLAIDEN SWALLOW'S FLIGHT AWAY...****** James: I dunno, who's turn do YOU think it is to ask where Bob is? Doug: I dunno, who's turn do YOU think it is to ask where Bob is? Fred: I dunno, who's turn do YOU think it is to ask where Bob is? ******HEY, GIVE ME A BREAK ALRIGHT, THIS IS MY FIRST DAY ON THE JOB, AND I HAVE A REALLY(NOTICE HOW THE WORD REALLY IS IN CAPS)REALLY BAD HANGOVER. ANYWAY, BACK ON DANTOOINE...****** Darth Vader: Well, it was great talking to you about he quality of blasters these days too Mr. Fett, but I have to get back to Imperial Commando about a meeting. Imperial Commando: Yes, it was nice talking to you about the shape of names too Mr. Antilles, but I gotta, uh, get back to a LOT of people. There was some sort of virus that a certain vader sent me, and changed all my meetings to today. Darth Vader: What do you mean? I didn't send you a virus... I don't even know how to DESIGN computer viruses(or is that virii?). Imperial Commando: But if you didn't...Then who did? ******HUH... OH, YEAH, UM, AT THIS POINT I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE YOU TO TANTIVE IV TO SHOW YOU A LITTLE SECRET...****** Lando: You think that bug I designed will keep Imperial Commando busy in two weeks when we launch the sneak attack? Admiral Ackbar: Um, wasn't that bug supposed to set all the meetings to today? Lando: Huh, oh damn, you're right. Well, suppose I design a virus that would schedule all his lunches for two weeks from now... Admiral Ackbar: How do yo do that? Lando: Carefully. Admiral Ackbar: specifically... Lando: Well, the imperials have EVERYTHING scheduled, even trips to the bathroom. I hacked into the system a few years ago, and found out when Imperial Commando is scheduled to be sick, when Darth Vader is scheduled to get mad at Imperial Commando... Look, he's supposed to in two weeks, the day that Imperial Commando will be eating all day- Han Solo: The day that Phi through Omega squadrons get the flu. Admiral Ackbar: How do you program a computer virus to give Imperials the flu? Han Solo and Lando: CAREFULLY Admiral Ackbar: Specifically... Han Solo and Lando: VERY. Admiral Ackbar: (holds his pinky up to his mouth)Riiiiiiiiiight. ******UM, WELL, NOW THAT IT'S PART OF THE STORY, WHY DON'T WE GO BACK TO TATOOINE...****** Fred: I dunno, who's turn do YOU think it is to ask who's turn it is to ask where Bob is? James: I dunno, who's turn do YOU think it is to ask who's turn it is to ask where Bob is? Doug: I dunno, who's turn do YOU think it is to ask who's turn it is to ask where Bob is? Fred: I dunno...Oh crap, I forgot what we were talking about. James: DOUG, NO!!! HE DIDN'T MEAN CRA- too late. Doug: Sorry about the mess. Fred: Doug isn't house broken. ******WELL, THAT SURE WAS INTERESTING WASN'T IT. NOW BACK TO THE DEATH STAR WHERE DARTH VADER, AND IMPERIAL COMMANDO HAVE JUST ARRIVED TO FINISH THEIR MEETING...****** Darth Vader: You know what, I don't see any point in finishing the meeting, according to my schedule, I'm not mad at you anymore. Imperial Commando: Well, that's good to know. Darth Vader: Yeah, and according to my schedule, I'm now supposed to gripe about the alcohol that's available on this fully operational and crap battle station. Bob: Ahhh, relief. Darth Vader: EWWWWWWW.... Imperial Commando: Bob, you're not house broken, are you? Bob: Err, no, and I was kind of wondering how I got here... ******AND NOW, A MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR... I TAKE YOU TO TANTIVE IV TO FIND OUT A SURPRISE.****** Admiral Ackbar: Woah, you mean you scheduled Bob, a random guy who lives on Tatooine to be mysteriously teleported to the Death Star? Lando: I TOLD you they scheduled everything. Admiral Ackbar: But then it's TOO easy, I mean, what's our weakness? Lando: We don't like to talk about that in an Imperial E-Zine. Admiral Ackbar: Come on, what is it? Lando: We whine a lot... Well, one of us does. The other one is that we are very understaffed. Admiral Ackbar: um ok. ******GOOD, NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO BOB, LET'S TAKE YOU TO WERE HE WAS VERY EARLY ON IN THIS EPISODE...****** Fred: I dunno, who's turn do YOU think it was to clean up the mess? James: I dunno, who's turn do YOU think it was to clean up the mess? Doug: I dunno, who's turn do YOU think it was to clean up the mess? Mom: Fred, Doug, Bob, James, Dinner's ready! ******OKAAAAAYYY, I THINK WE'LL STAY AWAY FROM THERE FOR A WHILE.****** Imperial Commando: Well Mr. Person #1, you say you want a job here, eh? Person #1: That is correct. Imperial Commando: Well, you seem to have the speech down... Now how well can you fly a TIE Fighter? Person #1: REALLY poorly. Imperial Commando: Hmmm, How well can you shoot a blaster: Person #1: Oh, shooting blasters is my specialty, I am EXCELLENT with a blaster. Imperial Commando:(stands up) Congratulations Mr. Person, you are our newest TIE fighter pilot! Person #1: But... I said I was really BAD at flying TIE fighters. Imperial Commando: Yeah..... Person #1: So why am I flying a TIE fighter then? ******OK THEN, WELL, THIS SCENE IS SCHEDULED TO GO ON FOR ANOTHER FEW MINUTES, SO WHY DON'T WE GO BACK TO MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS EPISODE...ON TATOOINE.****** Fred: I dunno, who's turn do YOU think it is to pass the vegetables? James: I dunno, who's turn do YOU think it is to pass the vegetables? Doug: I dunno, who's turn do YOU think it is to pass the vegetables? Fred: I dunno, who's turn do YOU think it is to pass the vegetables? Mom: That's ENOUGH you 3! You ALWAYS do this, and it's driving me CRAZY! Fred: Who's turn is it to act really sad now that mom yelled at us? Dad: I don't know, who's turn do YOU think it is to act really sad now that mom yelled at us? Mom: Oh, knock it off Roger, You really shouldn't encourage them, it's bad enough as it is. ******IT'S UNFORTUNATE THAT THAT SCENE CAN'T CONINUE, BUT A NUCLEAR WEAPON IS SCHEDULED TO HIT THERE ANY SECOND NOW, AND I'D LIKE TO PULL OUT NOW, BEFORE IT HITS. MEANWHILE BACK AT THE DEATH STAR...****** Imperial Commando: So, you're saying that you want to fight the oppression of gungans throughout the ages, right Mr. Binks? Jar Jar Binks: Rightsa. Mesa think yousa has oppressed us gungans for long enough. Imperial Commando: Riiiiiiight. See this glowing red thing coming out this metal rod? It's called a light saber this is how you use it... TSSEEEEWWWW Admiral Bob III: Nice aim Imperial Commando....AUGH!!! Boba Fett: Nice aim Imperial Commando... But weren't those two killed a couple weeks ago too? Imperial Commando: Yeah, but my schedule says... ******OK, I'VE HAD ABOUT ENOUGH OF THIS SCENE, LET'S GO BACK TO TANTIVE IV****** Admiral Ackbar: So, you can even schedule the Imperials to kill two people who are already dead. This is cool. Although coming from me, cool is.... Lando: oh don't be too hard on yourself. So what if you're ugly, so what if you're stoopid, so what if you have eyes on the side of your head because you're prey, not predator, so what if- Han Solo: I think that's enough if you fear for your life. Lando: Look pal, I lead the team in the assault to blow up the second death star. How much do you THINK I fear for my life? Han Solo: That's great. But we need to start planning for two weeks from now, when we attack the Imperials. Lando: Right! Han Solo: Right! Admiral Ackbar: Left! Err.. Right! ******AND TO HELP WRAP UP THIS EPISODE...****** Imperial Commando: What do you MEAN all my future lunches are scheduled to be on the Monday two weeks from now?!?! Darth Vader: Hey, I just checked the schedule. Imperial Commando: Oh well, the schedule can't be wrong... ~~~~~~~R.R.Q. Time~~~~~~ Ridiculous Rebel Questions: Blue Leader: Why is the Empire too cheap to put life support systems on their TIEs? Imperial Commando: Because a tie is something you wear, NEXT! Blue Leader: AHEM. No, I mean TIE as in the general name for the TIE Fighters, TIE Interceptors, TIE bombers, TIE Advanced (like Vader's), and TIE Defenders. Imperial Commando: Blah blah blah, don't you EVER stop talking? And Hey, Blue Two, use a BREATH MINT once in a while, you'd do us both a favor, brother. And about your question, we spend a FORTUNE training people to fly the ships, we just don't have enough money to put in life support systems in. So I'm sorry you have to criticize us, Mr. money bags. NEXT QUESTION! Blue Leader: How can that be true? We have less money than you do but we give our pilots REAL training and life support systems (and ejection seats) Imperial Commando: Look Einstein, we have more than 10,000 times the number of fighters that you do. So it Costs More Money to train all of them... I'm sorry, did you miss that, I'll speak slower. More...fighters... equals...more...cost...to...train...them... Got it, or do I have to say it again? NEXT QUESTION I SAID! Blue Leader: You also have more than 100,000 times as much money. I got it the first time, but you left out the fact that your extra recources more than make s up for the extra cost. Imperial Commando: More than 100,000 times as much money? Where do you get that figure? More like 100 times as much money. Also, unlike you guys, WE build powerful ships along WITH our fighters, such as Star Destroyers, The Executor, THREE death stars, two of which you guys have rudely destroyed. Now I'm not going to answer you again on that question, NEXT QUESTION! Blue Leader: Why is one of your leaders so stupid? Imperial Commando: I'll only tell you if you don't tell any other rebels. Blue Leader: Ok, ok, I promise not to tell any other Rebels. Imperial Commando: Are you sure? Blue Leader: YES I'M SURE, JUST TELL ME DANG IT! Imperial Commando: He isn't a real leader. He's just a decoy, that doesn't make any decisions. If you guys kill him, big woop. Not like you could get ME to care. Blue Leader: One last thing. What REALLY happened to Blue Three(see issue 6)? Imperial Commando: Good question. Send your votes as detailed as you like, to me at Imperial_Commando@hotmail.com and the results may show up with your name by it. SO VOTE DARN IT! Blue Leader: PEEEYOOO!!! Imperial Commando, you could use a breath mint yourself! Imperial Commando: No I couldn't now shut up, you just told that to all my readers you little- ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use a bit of humor, tell me that you're doing it, and put my name by it if you can wherever you're putting it. To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(If for some reason you want to unsubscribe, not that I can think of any...): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando