******Episode 13****** ><><><><> <> <><><> <> <> <> <> <> <><><> <><><> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <><><> <><><><> <><> <><> <><><>< <><><><><> <><><>< <><><><> <> <><> <><> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <><><> <> <> <> <> <><><>< <> <><><>< <><><> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <><><><> <> <> <> <><><><><> <> <> <><><><> 'now available in DVD' THE FOLLOWING IS AN EPISODE OF THE TELEVISION SHOW, RECENTLY MADE INTO A MOVIE, THE EMPIRE. Darth Vader: (head in his hands) I am NOT going to like this meeting. I am NOT going to like this meeting. I am NOT going to like this meeting. Admiral Bob III: Hey, we have to have it. We always have a meeting right after a battle. General Johnson: yep. Imperial Commando: Ok, everyone's ready? Good, first order of business, assess how well we beat the Rebel scum... Darth Vader: I'm gonna HATE this meeting, I'm gonna HATE this meeting, I'm gonna HATE this meeting. Imperial Commando: Darth Vader, you are one of the most ANNOYING people I've ever met. Although you definately don't surpass that one guy... was it Rah Rah Binx? Jar Jar Binks: Hewo, mesa Jar Jar Binks... ooooooo meetink. Can mesa join. Mesa won't hurt anyting. (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob III: Nice shot Imperial Commando, but now what are we going to do with the body. Imperial Commando: Burn it.. Now ANSWER THE QUESTION!!! Darth Vader: Gee, you know, I'm feeling kind of sick, I'd better go.(gets up, and starts leaving) Imperial Commando: Get BACK here(grabs Darth Vader) Hey, General Johnson, toss me that rope...Thank you.(Procceeds to tie Darth Vader to a chair, then the chair to a table, bolted to the floor, and a gag in his mouth) That should keep quiet all your NEGATIVITY. Admiral Bob III: I think we can skip that first part... Imperial Commando: Me too, now SHUT UP!! Next order of buisness, what would you like on the next battle? Admiral Bob III: Well, I'd like a cure for Emperor- Imperial Commando: And what about you General Johnson? General Johnson: Well, I'd like a cure for- Imperial Commando: OK, well, what do you think Darth? Darth Vader: ewuif asuifsnsf. Imperial Commando: What? Darth Vader: EWUIF ASUIFSNSF!!! Imperial Commando: Geez, you're stupid. Trying to talk with a gag in your mouth. Is this some sort of gag?(takes the gag out) Darth Vader: A cure for- Imperial Commando: IF I DON'T HEAR A DIFFERENT ANSWER, I'LL- General Johnson:(quietly to Admiral Bob III) sheesh, SOMEBODY got up on the wrong side of the sleeping tube this morning. Imperial Commando: So, ARGUABLY that was a different answer... I'll let you live. Admiral Bob III: Hey, what about those guys, over there, they haven't talked yet... ____ (....) (____) Luke's lunch hamburger. Imperial Commando: Yeah, what about you, Sergant Williams, Admiral Frank II, Sergant Fred, Colonel Mustard... Hey! I thought I fired him. Colonel Wilson: Um, hehe, actually, I think that was Colonel Corn... Or was that Corn Colonel... Or maybe Corn Kernel... General Johnson: Say, Colonel Mustard, do you have a brother? Colonel Mustard: Yeah, why? General Johnson: Is he a rebel? Colonel Mustard:(looking down) yes. General Johnson: What's his name? Colonel Mustard: Colonel Ketchup, why? General Johnson: Oh, no reason, I just bumped into him at the grocery store, and was wondering if you two were related. Admiral Frank II: Hey, Sergant Williams, you call that an army? We could CRUSH YOU!!! Sergant Williams: Ha! We could beat you, AND we're more popular. Admiral Frank II: How are you more popular? Sergant Williams: Well, you don't see people buying little plastic NAVY men, now do you? Admiral Frank II:(Attacking Sergant) You sonofa- (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob III: Nice shot Imperial Commando... You got them BOTH! General Johnson: Hey, I think Darth Vader's trying to say something.(pulls out Darth Vader's gag) Darth Vader: I KNEW I would hate this meeting. I KNEW I would hate this meeting. I KNEW I would hate this meeting. I KNEW- General Johnson:(putting back on Darth's gag) Ok, so I made a mistake. Imperial Commando: Riiiiiight... Ok, next order of business- Oh forget it. Honestly, do you think the REBELS had this meeting after we creamed them in the first battle? Colonel Mustard: Give me 5 minutes and I'll tell you, remember, my brother is a Rebel, I'm e-mailing him right now... Imperial Commando: aHEM. You KNOW the answer I'm looking for. NO, they DIDN'T! Now who wants to go get ice cream? Colonel Mustard: ME! Seargant Fred: ME! Seargant Williams: ME! Colonel Ketchup: ME! General Johnson: ME! Colonel Corn: ME! Admiral Bob III: ME! Colonel Mustard: ME! Imperial Commando: Ok, first of all, Colonel Mustard, you said ME twice, Seargant Williams, you're supposed to be dead, Colonel Corn, I fired you, and colonel Ketchup, you're supposed to be a rebel. Colonel Ketchup: I converted. Imperial Commando: Oh, well, welcome to the club...Err, I mean welcome to the Imperials. Seargant Williams: Oops, sorry. Colonel Mustard: I know, I REALLY want to go to the ice cream place. Colonel Corn: Oh, ok, forgot for a second there, hehe.. Say, that reminds me of one time when- (BANG!!!) Admiral Bob III: Nice shot Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: Thank you. |-|-|-|-|-|-At the Ice Cream Place-|-|-|-|-|-| General Johnson: Say, Colonel Mustard, don't you have another brother? Colonel Mustard: Yes. General Johnson: What's his name? Colonel Mustard: Colonel Relish, why? General Johnson: Oh, no reason, I just bumped into him while shopping for lingerie, and I wondered if you two were related. Colonel Ketchup: Hmmmm, shopping for lingerie, eh? You married? General Johnson: Nope. Colonel Ketchup: Girlfriend? General Johnson: No. Colonel Ketchup: Sisters? General Johnson: What ever gave you that idea? Colonel Ketchup: Female cousins? General Johnson: yeah, right. Colonel Ketchup: Mom? General Johnson: Yeah, I have a mom. Colonel Ketchup: Oh, so you were shopping for her. General Johnson: huh? No. Colonel Ketchup: Then that means.... General Johnson: What? Can't a guy do a little cross dressing without getting insulted for it. Colonel Ketchup: Heh, say, does my brother look cute to you? I could hook you two up. General Johnson: Don't waste your breath, I'm not talking to you. Colonel Ketchup: Suit yourself, good looking. General Johnson:(covering his ears) La lala la la la. Imperial Commando: OK, everyone, I'M not going to pay for all you. The total came to $134.39... All Right, WHO ordered 46 scoops of...pickle, in the super extra large, mega-cone? General Johnson: It was HIM(points to Colonel Ketchup) Colonel Ketchup: Took him a while to blame me, probably distracted with another fantasy about me. General Johnson: I HEARD THAT!!! Colonel Ketchup: Well, DUH, I was TALKING to you. Colonel Relish: I'm still WAITING for my 46 scoops of pickle ice cream in a super extra large mega-cone... Imperial Commando: When did YOU walk in here? Colonel Relish: What's it matter to- IMPERIAL COMMANDO!!!(gets down on his knees) Imperial Commando: You're a week late. I saved you all LAST week. | | | | [|>====<|] | " | | | A tie fighter with a mustache Colonel Relish: My ship broke down. Imperial Commando: Oh. I hope you're going to pay for that 46 scoops of chocolate ice cream in a super...really large cone. Colonel Relish: Chocolate?!?! I thought I'd ordered pickle flavored ice cream... Imperial Commando: Hey, you know what, I have a friend I'd like you to meet. You can talk to him, and lie down on a big comfy chair while he asks you how you feel, and then the nice men in the pretty white coats can take you into a really fun room, where you can actually bounce off the wal- Colonel Relish: Do you want me to pay the $100.39 for that, or not. Imperial Commando: Sorry, it's been a long week, I had a family emergency, I got my E-Zine published a day late, all my fans probably hate me now... Colonel Relish: Um...(cough)You're(cough) not supposed(cough)(cough)to say(cough)that while(cough)still in the(cough)(cough)main body(cough)of the(cough) E-Zine(cough) Imperial Commando: Cough drop? Colonel Relish: No thank you.(pays for the big ice cream thing and leaves) Imperial Commando: Is anyone else as glad that's over as I am? Admiral Bob III: Don't look at me, I'm now only supposed to speak up if you shoot someone else. General Johnson: I'm still too mad at Colonel Ketchup to speak to anyone, including you. Colonel Mustard: You can take my answer as a yes, even though my face is so stuffed with ice cream, I can't even talk. Seargant Williams: Hey, Seargant Fred, and I are only extras with only one, or two lines. Darth Vader: Remember, I'm still tied to the chair in the meeting room. Imperial Commando: (sigh) Tune in next week, same Imperial time, same Imperial network. |-|-|-|-|-|-CREDITS-|-|-|-|-|-| Starring: Imperial Commando, Darth Vader. Guest Stars: Colonel Mustard, Colonel Ketchup, and General Johnson. Minor characters you probably forgot about at one time, or another: Colonel Relish, Admiral Bob III, Admiral Frank II. Extras that really shouldn't be payed if you ask me: Seargant Fred, and Williams. ~~~~~~~Out of Character Talk~~~~~~ What do you(readers) think of a part at the end of every issue, where I answer questions submitted by the rebels? I could call it ask Imperial Commando, or Ridiculous Rebel questions. The questions would be sent in by readers(or my brother) E-mail me your thoughts. ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, except the ascii art, (except for the ASCII titles) and the top ten lists. After all, I'M not clever enough to come up with those! To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(you want to be an UNhuman?): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando