******Epsiode 14****** (when competing E-Zine editors meet) DDHYUYRDH G SNXAM G A Z D E SGIKN DJSYS W G D G J C S ZSHX @#$#%&# $& $@ &%@#%#& @#@%@%^$#@ %##^@%& @#$#%&# # %@ #& # % % & $ # % $ $ $ % & # @ % @ % @@#@$ @ & % & @&#%@$@ % @^$#%#@ @@#@$ $ & & $ # % @ $ # $ @ # @ @ % # # % @ @#$%@#@ $ % # @#$%#$^$#@ @ @ @#$%@#@ 'Straight from the trash bin, to your inbox' FROM THE BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF "THE EMPIRE" COMES ANOTHER MAJOR EVENT IN IMPERIAL HISTORY. SEEN HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME IS THE LONG ANTICIPATED, ISSUE NUMBER 14!!! Imperial Commando: (walks on stage) Thank you, thank you. Oh, you're too kind. I know I am great... WHAT THE-(dodges a tomato) RebelPilot: Your E-Zine stinks you overpaid, arrogant little Imperial! Imperial Commando: What the?!? A Rebel? How'd he get in here! RebelPilot: Oh, yeah, like your security systems are THAT hard to get past. Imperial Commando: Good. Now I know you hate me, but it was up to YOU to come here. Darth Vader: You know, Imperial Commando- What is your real name? Imperial Commando: Gee, can I get back to you on that... How about we find out next week. Darth Vader: You know, Imperial Commando, Rebelpooplot...what, oh, yeah, pilot has a point there. Imperial Commando: Yeah, our security systems are a little easy to get by. The silent alarm really IS silent... Everywhere. Darth Vader: No, I mean the first thing he said. Imperial Commando: Yeah, my E-Zine could use a little work- Darth Vader: Commando, your just not getting it, are you? Imperial Commando: I'm getting it, although I don't see why Rebelpoo-pilot is complaining, my E-zine may be bad, but coming from him... It's just hypocritical. Darth Vader: HEY! I subscribe to his list... It's pretty funny. Imperial Commando: I never thought I'd live to see the day when YOU, of all people would sympathize to a rebel. Darth Vader: You mean... Imperial Commando: Yes, you have Rebelitis. Incurable. No matter, there are plenty of Imperials who'd gladly take your spot. Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOO!!!! (throws himself down the nearest shaft) Imperial Commando: Like father, like son, eh Luke? Luke Skywalker: Hey, what am I doing here? Imperial Commando: Remember, a couple issues back I had you thrown in jail here? Luke Skywalker: Yeah, but shouldn't I be there then? Imperial Commando: Um, yeah, you should...Ok, Where's my editor, I ought to slap him for letting that one get by... Oh, wait... Emperor: Well, *I* don't subscribe to Rebelpilot Imperial Commando: You stay out of this Palpa- Wait, did you say you DON'T subscribe to RebelPilot? Emperor: How should I know? Imperial Commando:(sigh) Stay out of this Mr. Tine. WHAT THE!?!?(Tries to dodge an apple) RebelPilot: And THAT'S for your babbling. Imperial Commando: I will not let him get to me, I will not let him get to me... Man, those anger management courses did NOT take. Darth Vader: WATCH OUT FOR THAT-.... Grape fruit Imperial Commando: OWW!! All right, that's IT! Your E-Zine is HISTORY! RebelPilot: It sure is mate, it was so incredible, the history books asked me if they could put information about me in them. Also, my autobiography is a number one bestseller, (available at your local bookstore, by the way) and... I thought Darth Vader jumped down a shaft. Darth Vader: Yeah, that kind of thing happens a lot here. RebelPilot: I've noticed. Hey, Darth, watch this... Imperial Commando: OW! Hey, that was a pineapple! Darth Vader: I had NOTHING to do with this. Imperial Commando: I know... Hey, Darth, Watch this. RebelPilot: OW! Hey, that was a- ****WE INTERRUPT THIS ISSUE TO TAKE YOU TO A PLACE WHERE SOMETHING IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. THIS IS 20 MINUTES LATER, WHEN REBELPILOT HAS TRIED TO LEAVE, BUT IMPERIAL COMMANDO KNOWS REBELPILOT HAS SOME TOP SECRET INFORMATION IN HIS HAND, AND IS TRYING TO LEAVE WITH IT, SO IMPERIAL COMMANDO TRIES TO STOP REBELPILOT, AND AFTER A LONG AND HARD BATTLE, IN WHICH BOTH OF THEM LEAVE WITH SERIOUS BRUISES, EVEN INVOLVING A LITTLE TRACTOR ACCIDENT, BUT ALL OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS, EXCEPT THE EMPEROR ARE OK, AND THERE WAS THE PROBLEM WITH THROWING COCONUTS INDOORS, CONSIDERING OUTDOORS IS JUST OUTER SPACE, AND IT WAS A REAL MESS WHEN THE CREAM CHEESE WAS SPILLED ALL OVER THE DEATH STAR, BUT THAT'S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT STORY, THE WINNER ENDS UP BEING-**** Imperial Commando: All right already, they get the picture. By the time you finish talking, the scene will be over. RebelPilot: I know, Hey, Imperial Commando, I say we kill the narrator. Imperial Commando: hehehe, why kill him, I've got a better idea...(breaks out in maniacal laughter) RebelPilot: I see what you're getting at... Wait, no I don't. Tell me. Imperial Commando:(um, he's still laughing pretty hard, why don't we wait a little bit before we go back to him) RebelPilot: Ok, I'll wait.(begins tapping his foot on the ground)(looks around) Dum dee dee dum dee dum doo da doo da dum dee dee dum dee dum da doo da day(looks at his watch) (coughs)(stops tapping his foot)(clears his throat)(sits down)(pulls out a chess set)(sets up the pieces)(looks up at Imperial Commando) Imperial Commando: Hoo, hee, hee, ha, ha, hee, ha, ha, HA, HA, HOO, HEE, HEE, HAHAHAHA!!! RebelPilot:(finishes setting up the pieces)(moves a white pawn)(thinks)(moves a black piece)(thinks)(moves another white piece)(thinks)(looks up at Imperial Commando)(shakes his head sadly)(moves another black piece)(thinks)(pulls out a crowbar)(looks up at Imperial Commando) ****NOW, AS I WAS SAYING, BEFORE I WAS SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED, THE WINNER ENDS UP BEING DARTH VADER, BECAUSE REBELPILOT, AND IMPERIAL COMMANDO ARE SO WEAK FROM FIGHTING. MIND YOU, IN ORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCES, BOTH IMPERIAL COMMANDO, AND(cough)REBELPILOT COULD BEAT DARTH VADER. I MEAN LOOK AT HIM. HE'S A SCRAWNY...**** Imperial Commando: Oh, just get to the point... I mean, HOO HAW, HAW, HEE, HEE, HOO, HA, HA!!! ****IF I GET INTERRUPTED AGAIN, I'M TAKING MY PAY FOR THIS ISSUE, AND LEAVING. NOW, DARTH VADER WINS THE FIGHT, BUT IT'S REALLY NOT AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE STORY, SO I WAS GOING TO SKIP THAT PART, BUT NOOOOOO, YOU GUYS HAD TO DO IT. ANYWAY, SO DARTH VADER BEATS THEM, AND GOES ON TOUR IN SWITZERLAND. MEANWHILE SOME FEARFUL REBELS COME TO TRY TO SAVE REBELPILOT, AND THIS IS WHERE THE NEXT PART OF OUR STORY BEGINS.**** Blue 2: Psssst, hey, RebelPilot. Are you ok? RebelPilot: Um, yeah, I'm a little stiff, and- WHY ARE WE WHISPERING! Blue Leader: Shut up! You want us to get caught? RebelPilot: Not particularly, but there's not really much danger of that here. Blue Leader: Hey, Blue Two, look, it's your brother, Imperial Commando. Blue 2: Shut up. Blue Leader: Hiya Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: HA HA HOO HEE HEE HA HA HO HO HO HA HA HEHEHEHE!!! Rebelpilot: Ahem, um, Imperial Commando, that scene is over. Imperial Commando: HEE HEE HA HA- What? Oh, sorry. Yo bro. Blue 2: Well Imperial Commando, I see you're still an Imperial. Imperial Commando: Well Bro, I see you're still Blue TWO. Blue 2:(turns red, and looks away) Hey, RebelPilot, what's with this chess set? RebelPilot: Oops.(puts it in his pocket) It was from the last scene. Blue Leader: What I want to know is how did that fit in your back pocket. RebelPilot: Checkers anyone?(pulls out a checkers set) Blue 2: Woah, AND a checkers board in there? RebelPilot: Pizza, anyone? Imperial Commando: Ewwwwww. RebelPilot: Maybe that's Turkey... Imperial Commando: Gross, that is JUST like you. You rebels are all weird. You know WHY I stayed an imperial, while my brother converted? RebelPilot: No, why? Imperial Commando: I'm asking you, I don't know. RebelPilot: You have no idea who you're dealing with. Imperial Commando: Yes I do, you're a competing E-Zine editor. RebelPilot: Well, yeah, but besides that. Imperial Commando: Ok then, who are you? RebelPilot: He, he, ha, hoo, Hee, Ha HA HA HOO HEE HEE HA HA HA HO HO HO HA HE HA(breaks out in maniacal laughter) Imperial Commando:(Looking around) Um, ok, I'll..um.. find out who you are next week.(backs against a wall) ~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? My e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, except the ascii art, (except for the ASCII titles) and the top ten lists. After all, I'M not clever enough to come up with those! To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(you want to be an UNhuman?): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando