****Episode 11**** Of: ________ _ ______ ___ |___ ___| || / ____ \ ___ /\|/\ || ||_____ | |____|| /\|/\ |--O--| || | ____ | | |_____/ |--O--| \/|\/ || || || | \_____ \/|\/ || || || \______| _____ __ __ _______ __________ _______ _____ ||____| /\ \ /\ \ /______|| |____ ____| /______|| ||____| || // \ \ // \ \ || || || || || || ||___ // \ \ // \ \ ||_____|| || ||_____|| ||___ ||___| // \ \ // \ \ ||______/ || ||____ _/ ||___| || // \ \// \ \ || || || \\ || ||____ // \_/ \ \ || ____||____ || \\ ||____ |_____| // \ \ || |__________| || \\ |_____| ~includes everything you see here, batteries not included~ (~~For any new readers, you can read the previous mailings at www.egroups.com/group/the-empire If you have any trouble there, drop me a line. 10 issues is a lot to read, unless you honestly have nothing better to do at work, so I recommend issues four, six, eight, and ten.(four and eight are the funniest, six is the only one where anything happens, and ten is just the most recent~~) THE FOLLOWING IS AN EPISODE OF THE EPIC MINI-SERIES, 'THE EMPIRE', WHICH LATER BECAME A NOVEL, AND NOW AN E-ZINE, PUBLISHED WITH PERMISSION OF THE WRITER, IMA IMPERIALIST. Narrator with a funny voice: When we last left our heroes, they were all ill with a terrible strain of Emperoritis, and presidentitis, one even with rebelitis, but we don't like to talk about that. Darth Vader, sick with Emperoritis, had to address the entire empire, and risk infecting the entire empire. Why didn't he just not address the empire, you ask? Well, he very well could've, but then there wouldn't be much of a story, now would there? Anyhoo, Darth Vader addressed the empire, probably infecting every one of them, leaving them defenseless against any attackers. one of the spys who was working for the empire at the time heard about his, told his superior, who told his superior, who told his superior... and, well, to make a long story short, ten days later, the guy who actually makes any decisions around there heard about it. ,_~"""~-, Jussi Hannula .'(_)------`, |===========| `,---------,' ~-.___.-~ Death Star (2) The Guy Who Actually Makes Any Decisions Around There: Well, when I heard the news, the first thing I thought was, 'this is too good to be true.' I wasted no time telling my superior, who might have the power to make that specific decision. He didn't, but he told his superior, who told his superior, who is the guy who can make that specific decision. When I heard about why this was taking so long, I questioned the reason why we have so many layers of management. The reason we still have it, it turns out, is so that so many of the layers of management tend to drink a lot, and start to get in fights, then hate eachother, so they make a new layer of management so that they don't have to talk to eachother in person anymore. The people who made the decisions to create so many layers of management are no longer with us, but why do we still have so many layers? I have often wondered. Which reminds me- The Guy Who Can Make THAT Specific Decision: Well, I heard the news, and pounced on the idea. I told the head of the attack policy, who told his inferior, who told his inferior, who told his inferior, and- HOW MANY PEOPLE DO WE HAVE WORKING FOR US THAT DOES NOTHING? () [] || || .'`. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | _ / \ _ | |~|____.| |/ \| |.____|~| | | `-`-._ _.-'-' Incom's T-65B X-wing Space `-. _.-' Superiority Starfighter (5) ||\________/|| LS `' `' Narrator dude: You don't want to know. Anyway, the head of the attack squad of the rebels planned out an attack to take advantage of the Imperial's poor condition. Now, the rebels weren't exactly stoopid, and they wanted to not only win a little battle, but they wanted to kill enough imperials to make a serious impact on the rest of the war. Or, if that wasn't possible, kill some leaders, such as, the almighty emperor, which they'd heard so much about. Darth Vader: Now, we aren't exactly Stoopid, so we had a plan in case something like this were to happen. We had a bunch of decoy leaders, such as the emperor, that the rebels would waste their time killing, and frankly, would put a lot of us out of our misery. Luke Skywalker: Now, we aren't exactly stoopid, so we knew the imperials would have some decoy leaders. The problem is knowing which ones are the decoys. We sent in a spy to find out. Imperial Commando: Now, we aren't exactly stoopid, so we knew the rebels would know that we would have some decoys. The thing is, they don't know which ones they are....Say, this line feels familiar! ________________ ___ /:::::::||:::::::\ _|_/________||________\_ |[ | |----.___| |______`-._________ |[_| |________| |------------==---' |_ |___| `-' __.--~ \ __.--~ \___________.--~ LS Incom's T-47 Airspeeder (1) Narrator...Remember him: That's nice Imperial Commando. Now then, the rebels sent in someone to spy for them, so they sent in George Edson. Now George is a normally competent fellow, except for one flaw. He if very often high. This, as you can already tell, will make for a funny story. George Edson: Well, that night I had a blaster, fully loaded(both me and it). I stumbled around the stage- er.. um, Death Star, trying to smell like- er... find the emperor to find out who are the decoy leaders, and who are the real ones. I was wearing a smock- er... um... yeah, a smock, wondering how I got into it, when I walked into Darth Vader. Darth Vader: So anyway, I see this really weird looking guy walk into me. I mean, how rude can you get? Narrator: Oops, I thought I took out that part with Darth Vader...Anyhoo, George Edson walks into Darth Vader, but not knowing that he is a leader, walks right on. George Edson, by some strange *cough* coincedince, knows exactly where the Emeror's office is, because the layout is exactly the same as one of the larger rebel bases.*cough* *cough* *cough* *cough* *cough* __ ____ /._\ \__<---____________X__/ -Row .-^"~___~Z"^-._`'_____ ___~-.______ ___,.---==='~[~~7^___^\"-._ 7~_____H__||"-. \__.^~""~"-------...,__ .--^---+-----------Y /\_/\ Y--^Y [_____H__|| ^._______/"~~~~"^------^---,- |______|___________l [/ \] !___l H "^----z^------^----------------{ "~^----....________\^---^/_____\ H _.-~_____________,...---------^ ~"---"~ ~"-----"---^~~~" "Millenium Falcon" Modified Corellian YT-1300 Transport (2) Narrator's understudy: Well, the narrator was either a little too obvious today, or has a sever case of colditis...What's that? This just in, he has colditis. Wait, no, they're calling it a... cold? What the heck is a cold? George Edson: So I found the room, and talked to the emperor to get the real deal on who the leaders were. Palpa Tine: So George walked into my office, and asked me who the real leaders were. I told him that I didn't know for sure, but I do know that I am one of the real ones...Hey! Imperial Commando! I heard that laugh! George Edson: He proceeded to tell me that all the leaders, real and fake had lunch with Imperial Commando in a very easy to destroy ship, out far away from where backup could reach them any time soon. I thought about this for a while, and I came up with an idea for a sneak attack. We could attack them right after they get back from lunch, when they're all starting to spread out throughout the Death Star. I went back and told my superior my plan. _____ ___/O O\____ / O O \ \______________/ -===|____\///\\\/_____ \----------------/ \______________/ \/ /\__________/ // >=o\ // //\\ || \\ // \\o/ // \o || \o// // || || /o==o |o \o==o LS // // \\ /\ // /\ Arakyd Viper Probe Droid /\ - Front View - George's Superior: He "claims" he came up with this dumb idea about killing the guys AFTER lunch. I mean, come on, talk about missing the obvious. He aught to work for the empire letting a thing like that slip through his fingers. It's people like him that make me glad for people like me. He is nothing compared to me. I could squash him like a bug. I used to WONDER if I was underpaid. He has GOT to be the lowest life form in the galaxy- Interrupting Narrator's Understudy: Anyway, George Edson's "superior" decided to launch an attack on the leaders while they were at lunch. Brilliant Holmes. We'll see how the attack goes after next week, when it actually happens. This is the Narrator's interrupting understudy signing off. Good Night, from(psst, hey, where was this filmed? Chicago? No, didn't think so. In a sound stage, well duh, genious, but WHERE? I KNOW it's filmed here, but where IS here? Oh, ha ha, yes, in the universe. Very funny. ARRGGGHHHH I QUIT!!!) Interrupting Narrator's Understudy's Backup: Um, goodnight, or something, from, like, wherever. Like, goodnight people. _._ * _______..........-`-'-..__ / ...###/ \ \ ____\/ ...########/ \ ___...\-- / _ \ __..---#############/_..---''' ========/ // __\___ __..--'' / / / --..__ ```-------________________// = __--'' / / /________= \ //_______= `-.._____ / / / ___ \ ______/__ `````-----------------------////----\----------'''' ______// LS /_____.....----- Ubrikkian's GAV Q7 Space-trotter ~~~~Out Of Character Talk~~~~ You're wondering why this was such a short episode? Because I hurt my right arm, and, well, to make a long story short couldn't type very well. Sorry everyone. I'll try have an extra funny issue next week, ok? ~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? my e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! The Empire is a free weekly E-(something), based on the adventures of Darth Vader, The Emperor, and the rest of the Empire Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, except the ascii art, (except for the ASCII titles) and the top ten lists. After all, I'M not clever enough to come up with those! To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe: the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com I wouldn't blame you after this week =( -Imperial Commando