*****Episode 10***** of: ======= + ==== + + + + + = = = ==== + + + + + + + +=== ====== == == ====== ======= ====== ====== + == == + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +==== + + + + +===== + +===== +==== + + + + + + + + + + + + = + + + + + + ====== + + + ======= + + ====== (~~A special welcome to all the new members this week, I hope you enjoy this weekly e-mailing list. If you don't like it, unsubscribe instructions are always at the bottom of the issue. You may want to read some previous issues to get a feeling of what's going on. If you wish to do so, travel to www.egroups.com/group/the-empire and as tempting as it may be, try not to stay all day~~) *****Tenth issue anniversary spectacular!!!***** A SPECIAL BEHIND THE SCENES LOOK AT THE POPULAR(sort of) E-MAILING LIST 'THE EMPIRE'. Arnold Reporter: Here we are for a special look at behind the scenes of the E-Mailing list I'm sure you've all heard of, The Empire. This is my first assignment, I was hired after my brother, Ima, quit(see issue 4). Being a reporter kind of runs in the family, if you know what I mean. First we have an exclusive interview with the guy who started it all, the head of the e-mailing list, Imperial Commando. Imperial Commando: Thanks Arnold. I have been writing this E-Zine for about 10 weeks now, and every week I get many new, inspired readers. I naturally enjoy crushing their spirits. Soon they'll all be my personal slaves *begins maniacal laughter* Arnold Reporter: Um, Imperial Commando... I'M a reader... Imperial Commando: (head in his hands) This is live isn't it. I just told that to all my readers didn't I. Arnold Reporter: Um, yes, you did. You also made me nervous. I'm going to unsubscribe now. Imperial Commando: Well, as long as we're honest with each other, I don't think I like your name either. I mean, what kind of name is reporter? It sounds like you're a- Arnold Reporter: Well, that was Imperial Commando folks. We'll get back to him later to finish the interview. Now we have Darth Vader! Darth Vader: Thank you Arnold. . . . . . . . +. _____ . . + . . . . ,-~" "~-. + ,^ ___ ^. + . . . / .^ ^. \ . _ . Y l o ! Y . __CL\H--. . l_ `.___.' _,[ L__/_\H' \\--_- + |^~"-----------""~ ^| + __L_(=): ]-_ _-- - + . ! ! . T__\ /H. //---- - . . \ / ~^-H--' ^. .^ . " +. "-.._____.,-" . . + . . + . + . + . . . . -Row Death Star (1) Arnold Reporter: Darth, what was it that made you want to be a cast member on this E-Zine? Darth Vader: Well Arnold, as you know, I acted in three Star Wars movies, and was looking for some other way to make money, now that I've spent it all on drugs. Imperial Commando showed me a couple scripts, and I decided what the hey. I'm making slightly less than I was before, but it's reasonable. Arnold Reporter: What exactly IS your pay? Darth Vader: Oh, you know...reasonable. Arnold Reporter: Darth, how much do you make per year working here? Darth Vader: (quietly) 2 dollars per issue. Arnold Reporter: What? Darth Vader: (a little louder) 104 dollars per year. Arnold Reporter: I still can't he-e-ear you. Darth Vader: (a lot louder, louder than your average speaking voice, but not quite shouting, you know what I mean?) 2 DOLLARS PER ISSUE THAT I'M IN. PLUS I HELP HIM WRITE SOME ISSUES WHEN HE CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING FUNNY. WANT TO KNOW MORE? I HAVE TWO KIDS, LUKE, AND LEIA. I THINK THEY'RE ON DRUGS TOO. THEY WERE GETTING THE HOTS FOR EACH OTHER. WANT TO KNOW MORE? I HAVE- Arnold Reporter: Well, that's Darth Vader folks! Moving on to the Emperor. His first name is Palpa, and his last name is Tine. All this time we thought your last name was Palpatine, but as we learned in the last issue, it's Palpa Tine. Why the deception Palpa? Palpa Tine: What deception? I always told people my name was PalpaTine. So what if I didn't in any of the four movies! I did everywhere else! Arnold Reporter: Which is....where? Palpa Tine: Oh, you know...around... Arnold Reporter: Come to think of it, I don't even remember how I learned that your name was Palpatine. Maybe it was on those taco bell cups... Palpa Tine: They put my face on the taco bell cups? ALL RIGHT, a new career high! Arnold Reporter: um, you must not have much of a career. Anyway, what made you decide to be on The Empire? Palpa Tine: Well Arnold, indeed I did have an innapropriate role in The Empire. In fact, it was wrong. It all started twenty years ago, when... Arnold Reporter: Are you at all aware that you're not the president? Palpa Tine: Who's the president? I'm just telling the 'whole truth'. Arnold Reporter: ha ha. Seriously now, why did you choose to be a cast member on The Empire? Palpa Tine: I guess it was when I realized how good I was at playing sophisticated roles. That's why when you see the guy I play, he's so smart. No one EVER makes fun of him. Arnold Reporter:(rolling his eyes) RIIIIIGHT. Palpa Tine: Hey! You wanna piece of me?!? Arnold Reporter:(shuddering) no, that's ok. Palpa Tine: DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE!! NEVER INSULT THE CHARACTERS I PLAY!!!! Arnold Reporter: Well, I seem to have successfully pissed off everyone I've interiewed. Bob, why exactly DID my brother, Ima, retire? OH, THE JOB WAS TOO STRESSFUL I GUESS... BACK TO YOU ARNOLD REPORTER. Arnold Reporter: right... Well, here we have with us, is a very imortant part of the team, the editor of The Empire, Imperial Commando. Hello Imperial Commando. ___ / | / =| / =`. / | <_______| __,.----'__`+ '------:_____] LS Sienar Fleet Systems' _|_ Lambda-class Imperial Shuttle (1) Imperial Commando: Hi Mr. Reporter... Say, you look kind of familiar, have I seen you before...Arnold REPORTER. Arnold Reporter: Yes Imperial Commando, I hate you too... So does my brother. He warned me about you. Imperial Commando: Is he still mad about me not realizing that Ima Reporter was his name, and not his job? Arnold Reporter: No, he's come up with a clever way to deal with that. Imperial Commando: I'm not going to like this am I. Arnold Reporter: (quietly)No, you're not...(louder, more cheerful) So, Mr. Commando... How's your job been... Imperial Commando: That's MR. Commando to you! Oh....wait...nevermind, I think I'm coming down with something. It might be emperoritis. Arnold Reporter: You mean that really is a real disease? I thought that was just some funny idea you decided to put in. Imperial Commando: No, I had to postpone a few issues because of an outbreak on the death star a few weeks ago. It's very *COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH* contagious *COUGH COUGH* Arnold Reporter: Hey! Stop that. Now, I have some more questions to ask you. First: Don't you think it's a bit egotistical to include yourself in your e-mailing list? ___________ _xXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx_ .- | -. _/___________|___________\_ / | __ \ / _____________| /__\ \ / | \__/ \ | | | HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH | | | ___ ___ | \ | | |== | |==/ / \__________| | |__| |__/ / \_________|___|_____________/ \ | / / `-_________|_____/___-' LS \. \|/ ./ `-+-' I [ ] AC1 "Spy-Eye" Surveillance Droid |==| |==]] - Side View - `-' Imperial Commando: Yes, but you know... *I* deserve it. Arnold Reporter: *cough* riiiiight. Now, then. These are not nessesarily the views of the station. Anyway... Mr Commando, another question. Why exactly DID you create this e-mailing list? Imperial Commando: Well Arnold, I guess it all started back twenty years ago, when- Arnold Reporter: Does this twenty years ago have anything to do with the twenty years ago the presid-(clears his throat)EMPEROR was talking about? Imperial Commando: Was he acting like the president again? Man I hate it when that happens. He's got presidentitis...It's very contagious. Arnold Reporter: How'd he get presidentitis? Imperial Commando: Oh, well, we were visiting Washington DC, and we decided to visit the president. When I saw what he had done to the Emperor, I gave him Imperial Commando-itis. Arnold Reporter: What exactly are the symptoms of Imperial Commando-itis? Imperial Commando: Oh, um, you get very egotistical, and include yourself in your own E-Zine, and get really mad at reporters...wait...burn that tape! Oh, wait, this is live. _____ ___/O O\____ / O O \ \______________/ -===|____\///\\\/_____ \----------------/ \______________/ \/ /\__________/ // >=o\ // //\\ || \\ // \\o/ // \o || \o// // || || /o==o |o \o==o LS // // \\ /\ // /\ Arakyd Viper Probe Droid /\ - Front View - Arnold Reporter:(blinking...but hey, doesn't everybody?)Oh... Well, what exactly is the symptom of Presidentitis? Imperial Commando: That depends on what the definition of is is. Arnold Reporter: You caught it too? Imperial Commando: No, but it just depends... either way...Don't go there. Arnold Reporter: Bob, are you sure you had to hire me, why not my brother Fred, or Frank, or Ed, or Joe, or Bob...Not you bob, but Bob Reporter, my brother, Or Ura, or Josh, or Max? What about my son, Investigative, or Annoying, or Spontaneous, or Rebellious...Oh wait, he converted...to the light side...to bright if you ask me...anyway, or Undercover? YOU'RE THE SECOND OLDEST ARNOLD. IF YOU QUIT, WE'D NEED TO TAKE FRED. BACK TO YOU ARNOLD. Imperial Commando: You really act like your brother. Arnold Reporter: Just be quiet. Next up for an interview are some of the guest stars. Last week we saw Jar Jar Binks, young Obi-Wan, young Anakin, and Quigon. First let's talk to Jar Jar. Jar Jar Binks: Hewo. Mesa Jar Jar Binks. Be yous friend me. Arnold Reporter: Well, we'll skip that interview...What's that Bob? The others are all rebels. Well, nevermind then. For another guest star on the show, way back in episode four, was my brother, Ima. Great to see you again Ima, how's your career in lion taming going? Ima Reporter:(in a wheel chair, with a neck brace, a cast on one arm, a sling on the other, and a cast on one leg, and a face all bandadged up) What's it look like, genious? Arnold Reporter: Glad to hear it, my job's doing fine also. Ima Reporter: NO! You moron, my job was terrible. I thought those lions were already tame when the circus tamers did they're thing. Believe me...They're not. Although I guess it didn't help that I hunted for them in Africa...But still... Arnold Reporter: Um...That was my brother folks! Now, this wasn't supposed to be until later, but since so far none of the interviews have worked out, we'll need to do this now. We have a very special guest...Imperial Commando's mom! ____ ===|\ | |/___| || [] __||__ \/ o o| / o .= o| LS / o || o| / o || o| / o `= o| /___________| DEX 1 Security Sentinel (__) (__) - Side View - Imperial Commando's Mom: Hello Mr. Reporter. Arnold Reporter: Hello Mrs. Commando. How are things with you? Mrs. Commando: Oh, just fine, and what about you young man? Arnold Reporter: I've ticked off everyone I've interviewed so far, but other than that... Mrs. Commando: Glad to hear it. Arnold Reporter: I'll go ahead and ask you the first question now. Why do you think your son is....well...the way he is? Mrs Commando: You mean a very smart young man with a successful e-mailing list. I credit my good parenting. Arnold Reporter: If that's your answer, I'm going to have to skip the next couple questions...(flips through a few index cards) So, Mrs. Commando, has your son ever come to you for help on the e-mailing list? Mrs. Commando: Hold on just a second please...(digs through her purse, and pulls out a sheet of paper, and begins to skim) Nope, nothing here about telling you if he needed help...The answer is yes. Many times, in fact, I do most of the writing, he just takes credit for it Arnold Reporter: Are you serious? Mrs. Commando: no, not to my knowledge, I must have Emperoritis. Arnold Reporter: This must be a very bad time for interviewing. Bob, if I come down with Emperoritis, presidentitis, or Imperial Commando-itis, it's coming out of your paycheck OH, BIG WOOP. MY PAY CHECK HAS EIGHT MORE DIGITS THAN YOURS. AND BELIEVE ME, YOUR PAY CHECK AIN'T BAD. BACK TO YOU ARNOLD. Arnold Reporter: Is this job supposed to be so intimidating, or is it just Bob? \\\|||/// Han's hair(when you see this, you know it's time to send your buddy some REAL ascii art!) Imperial Commando: My guess would be Bob. Hi again Bob. I haven't seen you in...6 episodes! How've you been man. OH, I'VE BEEN JUST FINE. I GOT A RAISE TWO WEEKS AGO. I HIRED IMA REPORTER'S YOUNGER BROTHER ARNOLD JUST AFTER IMA QUIT. AND I'M LEARNING HOW TO BOSS PEOPLE INTO DOING WHATEVER I WANT. BACK TO YOU ARNOLD REPORTER AND IMPERIAL COMMANDO. Imperial Commando: Oh, that's good to hear. I've been ok too, exept I think I'm coming down with Emperoritis. I got word from the genetics lab that it has mutated into a form that can last longer than a week, even if treated. Untreated it could become Sithitis. Arnold Reporter: ok, this intimidation has gone beyond Bob. Now there's a Sithitis? Imperial Commando: Yeah, but we have an antibiotic for it. it comes from Yoda's species. All we have to do is kill him, and careful we be, to like him not talk. Arnold Reporter: AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!(runs off camera. scream fades as Arnold gets farther, and farther away) Imperial Commando: heh! I love doing that. Hey Darth Vader, guess what I just did. ___ / \ /_____| |- - # | /_ _.-`--'/ `--. /| \\// / \ / | || | \ / | || | \ / | || / ( )/ \ /_/ /| || _.-|\/_ | |__| | || /|/ `/ \ _| |___||__.-'/ __/ |/ \| _/_ / | ^|_ [/ .\/ `|#| ` \_ |__/| |#| / |\ | LS |#| /| | | |#| /.' `. | \#| | | | | | | | \ // \ -/| |___| | /| ### |___| ### ### ### ### ### ### #### ### .####'' ### Bespin Guard ### Darth Vader: ...WANT TO KNOW MORE, I ALSO HAVE TWO PETS, ONE IS GAY. WANT TO KNOW MORE, I HAVE... oh, hi Imperial Commando...where's Arnold Reporter? Imperial Commando: It was weird. He just ran away for no good reason. It was probably Bob's fault. I RESENT THAT. BESIDES IT WAS *YOU* WHO SCARED HIM AWAY BY TALKING LIKE YODA. NOW HAVE TO HIRE ARNOLD'S YOUNGER BROTHER FRED REPORTER, I AM GOING TO. Darth Vader: YOU were talking like Yoda? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That is classic! Did you catch Yodaitis or something? Imperial Commando: No I didn't thank you very much. I got the immunization shot when I was little. Darth Vader: There's a Yodaitis? Uh oh... Hey look, a microphone...and a camera. Hi mom. Imperial Commando: hi mom. Darth Vader: how do you know your mom's watching? Imperial Commando: She's not. Look next to me. Darth Vader: OH! hi Mrs. Commando. Excuse me, but is Imperial Commando on drugs, or are you just a bad parent? I mean, how'd he get...you know...the way he is. .--. :::\`--._,'.::.`._.--'/::: :::::. ` __::__ ' .::::: :::::::-:.`'..`'.:-::::::: :::::::::\ `--' /::::::::: -Don Mrs. Commando: Don't make me come over there! Darth Vader:(confused look on his face) What? Mrs. Commando: You want a piece of me? NEVER INSULT MY PARENTING!!! HiYAAA!!! Darth Vader: OW! hey, cut that out. There's something sharp in that purse. OW! Imperial Commando: Oh, um, Darth I think I forgot to warn you...NEVER insult my mother. She's...well...got a temper. Mrs. Commando: What was that son? Imperial Commando: um... I said... this...is...my...mentor. Yeah, that's it! I said "This is my mentor" I didn't say that you have a temper. Mrs. Commando: Good. Because that's what I thought you said. Imperial Commando: Really? Which one? Mrs. Commando: Does it really matter?(picks up the microphone) We now continue our behind the scenes look at 'The Empire' by seeing what was my son, Imperial Commando was thinking when he was creating this E-mailing list. Son, what on EARTH were you THINKING!?!? Imperial Commando: Um, mom. You're not a reporter. You were just supposed to be in this issue for the interview. It's not my fault that Arnold Reporter messed it up. I hate him too. But you don't need to take it out on me by embarassing me on live television. Mrs. Commando: ok, maybe you'd like to be the reporter.(hands Imperial Commando the mike, and walks off) Imperial Commando: This gets my vote for weirdest issue. What about you Darth? Darth? Darth? DARTH??? Imperial Commando: Darth, turn down the volume on those headphones! Darth Vader: (taking off the headphones) What?!? I can't hear you, some wise guy turned up the volume on my head phones. Imperial Commando: Gee, I didn't notice(rolling his eyes). Emperor: Those are YOUR headphones? I thought they were mine! My hearing aid isn't working very well, so I had to turn the volume up. If those are YOUR headphones, where are mine? Imperial Commando: hmmm, guys, do I recall saying on Christmas when I gave you the headphones that you would never have them on during an issue. DARTH VADER!!! I'm cutting your pay in half for this issue!!! Emperor...Keep up the good work. Darth Vader: why aren't you cutting his pay in half? Imperial Commando: he doesn't realize it, but he isn't being paid for this job. I can't cut zero in half... Very effectively that is...Well... Emperor: Now, we continue our special behind the scenes issue, with Darth Vader, just exposed to Emperoritis from Imperial Commando, giving a speech in front of the WHOLE empire. Darth Vader: Oh, NO!!! That's right, I have to give a speech for the whole empire. They could all get infected with Emperoritis! Imperial Commando, remember an issue or two back, you threw that surprise party, because you said that things were about to get ugly...is this what you meant? Imperial Commando: Darth, the next battle won't be pretty either. It'll be much worse than this...for the Rebels!!! I think..... Darth Vader: I don't like the way you said that! I'm telling my mommy! Right after I give the speech. Imperial Commando:(looking at the camera) Tune in next week when we see how bad this can get... And until next time...Watch out for Emperoritis, and Sithitis. And I hope none of you catch any of that nasty Rebelitis that my friend's son caught. *couLUKEgh* Ahem. __,.__ / || \ ::::::| .-'`-. |:::::: :::::/.' || `,\::::: ::::/ |`--'`--'| \:::: :::/ \`/++\'/ \::: -Don ~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Flames? my e-mail is: imperial_commando@hotmail.com so feel free to e-mail me! Feel free to forward this mailing to any friends of yours who like Star Wars. Heck, save yourself the trouble, and get them to subscribe! If you didn't like this issue, I'll be funny next week, I promise Everything on here is © 2000 Imperial Commando, except the ascii art, (except for the ASCII titles) and the top ten lists. After all, I'M not clever enough to come up with those! To subscribe: the-empire-subscribe@egroups.com To UNsubscribe(My publisher makes me put this part in): the-empire-unsubscribe@egroups.com -Imperial Commando