*****episode 4***** Of: TTTTTTT h eeee T h e e T h h h eeeee T h h e T h h eeee EEEEEE MM MM PPPPPP IIIIIIIII RRRRRR EEEEEE E MM MM P P I R R E E M M M M P P I R R E EEEE M M M M PPPPPP I RRRRRR EEEE E M M M M P I R R E E M M M P I R R E EEEEEE M M P IIIIIIIII R R EEEEEE "The Checklist" TODAY ON IMPERIAL NEWS--THE EMPEROR STARTS THE CHECKLIST OF SUPPLIES THAT WE'LL NEED TO START FIGHTING THE REBELS. REPORTING LIVE FROM THE SCENE IS IMA REPORTER. ______________________________________________________________________ | . . . . . . | | . . . ___,_ _ . . | | . . . [:t_:::;t"t"+ . | | . . . `=_ "`[ j.:\=\ | | . . . _,:-.| -"_:\=\ . | | . . . _,-=":.:%.."+"+|:\=\ . | | . _ _____,:,,;,==.==+nnnpppppppt | | _.;-^-._-:._::.'';nn;::m;:%%%%%%%\ . | | . . .;-'_::-:_"--;_:. ((888:(@) ,,;::^%%%, | | __='::_:"`::::::::"-;_`YPP::; (d8B((@b."%\ .| | ,------.. __,-:-:::::::::`::`::::::"--;_(@' 88P':^" ;nn:, | | ,-":%%%%::==. ;-':::::`%%%\::---:::-:_::::::_"-;_.::((@,(88J::\ | | /:::__ ::%::== """"""""""""""`------`.__.-:::::;___;;::`^__;;;:..7 | | /::.' `.:%%=:=`-=, . i . """" | |Y:::f j :%%%%:::=:: ,^. . |-| . . | |l `.__+ :::%%%%:::_;[ |o| | ||^~'-------------""~:^| _` ` _ .. __,,,,+++O#@@# |! ::::::::::%%%%==:{ __j [,,j [#O|||O#@@#O++:|@@# | \ `::====: ==== :=' .__,,,++::::.j " " [%+++::|@##O+::+O## | \:== :: == :==' __,,,+++|O|. +++.. :::j_[nnj_[_++:+%%_%%|+%|%+O# | "-. =_:::: },+|O##|+::+|:++:::.. ::: .:+%%%%%%j [%O%%j [:+++|++|O | _,,`-------' .+#O#+:||%+ ____ :: .. .:++|O###O%j `' `' [:::::::++ |.+:..:++|++||||+.O.::++:|::| _ |:...:++++|||+O##||%j [%..%j [+::LS:+%| || \ | || || eath Star II above Endor, surveyed by ||_/ | the Super Star Destroyer "Executor". |____| Ima: Well Bob, this list started at about 5:32 PM Imperial Standard time, and since then has improved dramatically. We have just recieved word that we will begin attacking the rebels shortly. I have next to me an eyewitness named Vader. Mr. Darth Vader, did you take part in this list in any way? Vader: Yeah, almost the whole thing was done by me. I have to put up with that arrogant blabbermouth all day, taking credit for all of MY hard work. But today, I'm gonna take the rightfully deserved credit. Ima: uuuh, I....seeeee....What is the special significance of this checklist exactly? Vader: Well, the checklist has a list of all the supplies we'll need to launch the first attack. After all, the Rebels are currently busy rebuilding the Death Star that they destroyed last week. So we can take our sweet time. Also, we are in radio contact of the rebels, so we can ask them things such as "what bugs them the most about us?" and, "What weapons do the most destruction on you guys?" and they are very helpful. The checklist has all that information, and when we get the supplies, we just uncheck it. _______ _______ /\:::::/\ /\:::::/\ /::\:::/::\ /==\:::/::\ /::::\_/::::\ .--. /====\_/::::\ /_____/ \_____\-' .-.`-----' \_____\ \:::::\_/:::::/-. `-'.-----._/:::::/ \::::/:\::::/ `--' \::::/:\::::/ \::/:::\::/ \::/:::\::/ Sienar Fleet Systems' TIE/In \/:::::\/ \/:::::\/ Space Superiority Starfighter (1) LS """"""" """"""" Ima: How do you plan to UNcheck the marks that you made in pen? Vader: Oh that's easy, you just....um....hmmm...well you could....no, no, that wouldn't work. ooooh. Well, I suppose we could mak another checklist with the same stuff on it. I'll get out the photocopier. Ima: Ok Bob, maybe this wasn't such a good idea to be our top story tonight. YES, OF COURSE IT WAS. BACK TO YOU IMA REPORTER. Ima: Um, ok thanks. Now then, Darth, how did the photocopies turn out? Darth: I just realized that photocopiers won't be invented for a while. Ah, there's my buddy Imperial Commando. Hi Imperial Commando! Imperial Commando: hi darth. Oh, Hi Mom! I'm on TV!!! What's your name mr reporter? Ima: Ima Reporter. Imperial Commando: Yes, I can see that, but what is your name? Ima: Ima Reporter Imperial Commando: Yes, we already established that, but what....is...your...name... Ima: My name is IMA REPORTER. My last name is Reporter, and my first name is Ima! Imperial Commando: You had some funny parents. Anyhoo, I've come to take Darth Vader to the hospital, because he is very ill. He has a sickness called Emperoritis. It is caused by being around the Emperor too much. The early signs are agravation, and always furious. Then you become delerious, and start to think like the Emperor, become less competent, stuff like that. He should be fine in a few days, meanwhile, I'll have to help write the new checklist. Ima: Yes, my parents were drunk when they named me. So, this Darth Vader isn't always like this? Imperial Commando: oh no, not at all. He usually thinks strait, more clearly, and in any normal circumstance, he would realize that UNchecking something wouldn't work, you're supposed to CHECK it. Ima: Oh, I see. So, what are you supposed to do about fixing the checklist. Imperial Commando: I already said, I'm going to make the next list so that when we have the materials, we make a CHECK mark in the box. Ima: Ok, I get it. So, how are you going to help the checklist? Imperial Commando: You're still mad about me mistaking your name for a job, aren't you. Ima: Sayyyyy, now that you mention it... Imperial Commando: Ok geez, I'm sorry. Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering what is actually on the list, right? _____________________ | __ | | .-",`"-. | | .' '_ _ `. | | | (._, _,) |\ | | | =d:'b= ,;'| | | /. ;_ ,l -| | | |:|.` __ <;l _| | | | ;|_'--`.:l / | | ;"o8 "--"_|; .8oo.| |.o( (8888oo88' d8888| |888. `^|887^' \d88888| |8888o/__ , _.od888888| |88888888888888888LS88| Twi'lek Ima: yeah, a bit. Imperial Commando: well, I'll tell you later, but first a song. Ima: That's it, I quit. Imperial Commando: no, no, no. We have to break out into song first. Ima: I said NO Imperial Commando: no, actually I said no, 5 times now. Ima: Bob, send someone else down here, I've quit, and I'm going to seek a new job in lion training. NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT, YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT, REMEMBER? BACK TO YOU IMA. Imperial Commando: Also, isn't this live? You can't quit on live TV. Ima: Ok Bob, you're right, I have a contract. Here it is(pulls sheet of paper out of his pocket). Now is where you're wrong Bob(Starts tearing it in half, then puts sheets together, and tears them in half again). Imperial Commando: (picks up sheets of paper, and puts them together)Ummm, Ima Reporter, this is a large check for several million dollars. __________________________ | .... .. | | .;:-%/%%%%:: | | %:'%%%%'~%%%/:. | | :/ `%~ :\%::. | | :' - _ - - :%%::. | | | . ::%=:' | | )-=~>` `<~=- :::=|' | | ; | :: ::')' | | : ' ' :: ::v:' | | `. (_.=:.` /:':: | | `./ :: \ :' :' | | | ____ | :: | | ( '~ ~` .'| | | \ '~~ .-'.::. | | x---:' .::-'| LS| | _./ `-._.:'~ :. | | _.-'~ \ .' `. | |~ `-._____.-' `| |__________________________| Senator Palpatine Ima: oops, I had to deliver that check to Bob...I'll uh.. be under a rock if anyone needs me. Here, Imperial Commando, you take over(hands the writer of this E-Zine the microphone). Imperial Commando: uh...ok..... So, if we walk over here, we can see the faulty checklist, that we'll need to be copying, so that we can CHECK it, rather than UNcheck it. It has the following things on it...  Lotsa weapons  Some ships  Battle droids  Hostages  A double layer cheese, and bacon sandwich  A Large side of Fries  A large Coke  Several light sabers  A dark saber  Some swivel chairs  One of dem chalupas  And supersize that! Imperial Commando: Well, it's only a rough draft, I'll have to....edit it a little. But enough about me, I've just recieved word that Darth Vader is out from the hospital. Here we are live at the Death Star....oh...wait, we already..were..here. Anyway, here's Darth Vader now! Darth: Hi Imperial Commando, I just flew in from Hoth, and BOY are my arms ti... _,.-"T _.--{~ :l c" `. :I | .-"~-.\ l | Y_r--. Y) ___I |[__L__/ j"~=__]__ ___| \.__.r--<~__.| T '--rl___/\ ( () ).,_L_].--. `--' `-^--^\ /___"(~\ Y "~ \ " `/ ]--[ |: L `| o\ I [ l: | `|_I L :] [n]l I // /]"/ //./ _ // / _ ,-="_"^K_/ -Row [ ][.-~" ~"-.] Imperial AT-ST (1) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Imperial Commando: OK, WELL, that's Darth Vader folks! Here we have The Emperor, who is trying to figure out a battle plan for the first attack. Emperor: I'm thinking of a post pattern, 86, hook right, but there's also the matter of wind velocity in space, and how well sound carries, due to the fact that there's no air to get in the way, so I guess I'll just pull out the shotgun, hit a grandslam, touchdown, goal, and we all go home with a victory. Imperial Commando: Are you at all aware that sports won't be invented for a while? Emperor: Say...Am I on TV? Imperial Commando: ahh, I see, you want to a reporter..well, here you go, bye!(hands the emperor the microphone) Emperor: Well, as you can see, the epidemic of Emperoritis is hitting us all very hard indeed, unfortunately, it takes a week to recover, so we'll just go to commercial until then... This is the Emperor, signing out...good night! (cut to commercial) Annoying sponser: Hi everbody(snort) Did you know that YOU can buy CHEAP bumper stickers from US? Well, if so,(snort) you're wrong, BUT, you can buy very good EXPENSIVE bumper stickers from our competitors!(snort) Quite frankly, (snort) we don't do squat! But, our competitors sell bumper stickers with the following logos:(snort) ~~~~~~(talk about crummy, even for Imperial)HUMOR~~~~~~~ TOP 10 IMPERIAL BUMPER STICKERS 10. REAL PILOTS WEAR BLACK 9. MY KID ARRESTED YOUR HONOR STUDENT 8. JOIN US! 7. TIE FIGHTER PILOTS' UNION, LOCAL THX-1138 6. IMPERIALS DO IT IN FORMATION 5. ONLY WIMPS HAVE SHIELDS 4. THAT'S NO MOON...I'LL SHOW YOU A MOON! 3. MY OTHER SHIP IS THE EXECUTOR 2. I BRAKE FOR.... I DON'T HAVE BRAKES! AAAAAAAAHH! 1. IF YOU AIN'T A DARK LORD, YOU AIN'T SITH (Darth Vader only) Annoying Sponser: They also sell very expensive Rebel Bumper stickers:(snort) ~~~~~~(that's SOOO funny I fogot to laugh)HUMOR~~~~~~ TOP 10 REBEL BUMPER STICKERS 10. IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, RAM 'EM! 9. REMEMBER ALDERAAN 8. IF YOU CAN'T BE GOOD, BE CAREFUL 7. IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU ARE TOO CLOSE. LOOSEN UP. 6. MY R2 UNIT SAYS "PBBBBBBT!" TO YOUR SFS TARGETING COMPUTER 5. IF YOU OUTLAW BLASTERS, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE BLASTERS 4. *I* HAVE SHIELDS 3. STAY ON TARGET! 2. I AM NOT THE SQUADRON LEADER. SHOOT SOMEONE ELSE. 1. I FLEW THE DEATH STAR ASSAULT, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY BUMPER STICKER! Annyoying Sponser: Act now, while supplies last(snort). ----------------------------------------------------- To subscribe: The-Empire-subscribe@Egroups.com To unsubscribe(but why?): The-Empire-unsubscribe@Egroups.com