|
I-FALLING
ON DEAF EARS TALKING ABOUT THESE ISSUES
MAY NOT BE A PROBLEM; GETTING YOUR PARENT TO HEED ANY ADVICE, HOWEVER, MAY BE
EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING. YOU KNOW YOUR MOTHER SHOULD SIGN A WILL. YOU ARE CERTAIN
THAT YOUR FATHER SHOULD MOVE OUT OF HIS HOUSE. BUT HE REFUSES TO BUDGE. WHAT
COULD POSSIBLY BE MORE MADDENING THAN A PARENT WHO SIMPLY WON'T LISTEN? YOU MAY NEED TO STEP IN
REGARDLESS OF YOUR PARENT'S WISHES IF THE SITUATION IS TRULY DIRE, BUT IT'S
MORE LIKELY THAT YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING FAR MORE DIFFICULT: ACCEPT YOUR
PARENT'S AUTONOMY, AND APPRECIATE THE LIMITS OF YOUR CONTROL OVER HIS LIFE.
YOU MAY BE CONVINCED THAT HE'S MAKING A MISTAKE, BUT UNLESS HE IS IN REAL
DANGER, YOUR PARENT HAS A RIGHT TO TAKE RISKS AND MAKE FOOLISH DECISIONSWILL
HAVE THE SAME RIGHTS, DESPITE THE BETTER . ONE DAY YOU JUDGMENT OF OTHERS. |
|
II-REMEMBER
THE GOOD OLD DAYS IF YOUR PARENT IS QUITE ILL,
IF HE HAS GOTTEN CROTCHETY IN HIS OLD AGE, OR IF HE HAS DEMENTIA, FIND A
PHOTO FROM WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER. PUT IT ON YOUR REFRIGERATOR OR ON YOUR DESK.
IT WILL HELP YOU REMEMBER BETTER TIMES, WHEN HE WAS STRONGER. IT WILL HELP
YOU RECALL THE FATHER WHO LAUGHED WITH YOU AND CARED FOR YOU AND TAUGHT YOU
THINGS. IT WILL HELP YOU REMEMBER WHY YOU ARE DOING SO MUCH FOR HIM NOW. |
|
III-WHAT
HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE? IF THERE IS AN ISSUE THAT
YOU'VE BEEN WANTING TO RAISE WITH YOUR PARENT BUT YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT, THINK
ABOUT WHAT MAY BE STOPPING YOU. WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
WHAT DO YOU FEAR? ARE YOU AFRAID OF BREAKING SOME UNWRITTEN FAMILY RULE? WE
DON'T TALK ABOUT DAD'S DRINKING. ARE YOU AFRAID THAT YOUR PARENT WILL BE
HURT, GET ANGRY OR BE DISAPPOINTED IN YOU? ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT GETTING INTO
THE KIND OF PAINFUL ARGUMENT THAT ALWAYS ENDS IN TEARS? ARE YOU AFRAID OF
HEARING WHAT YOUR PARENT HAS TO SAY, OR OF LOSING YOUR ROLE AS THE CHILD? WEIGH THE POTENTIAL COST
AND GAIN OF RAISING THE SUBJECT OR LEAVING IT ALONE. THEN DECIDE WHICH WAY
YOU WANT TO GO. IF YOU LEAVE IT ALONE, DO SO BECAUSE YOU HAVE CONSIDERED THE
MATTER AND MADE A CONSCIOUS DECISION, NOT BECAUSE YOU PUT IT OFF OR AVOIDED
IT. THEN, TRY TO ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR DECISION AND MOVE ON. |
|
IV-WHAT DOES
HE WANT FROM ME? YOU HAVE JUST SPENT THE DAY
ZIPPING AROUND YOUR PARENT'S HOUSE, DOING HIS LAUNDRY, CHANGING THE BED AND FIXING
HIS DINNER. TWO DAYS LATER HE SAYS THAT YOU NEVER VISIT HIM. WHAT'S A
DAUGHTER TO DO? IT MAY BE THAT YOUR PARENT
DOESN'T WANT MORE OF YOUR TIME, JUST MORE OF YOU. THAT IS, YOUR COMPANY AND
AFFECTION MAY BE MORE IMPORTANT TO HIM THAN CLEAN SOCKS AND HOT MEALS. SO
WHILE YOU ARE BUSY AS A BEE, HE IS FEELING IGNORED. LATER ON HE WONDERS WHY
HE NEVER SEES YOU BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS, HE HASN'T. THE DILEMMA IS THAT THESE
TASKS HAVE TO BE DONE AND, TRUTH BE TOLD, IT MAY BE EASIER TO BE IN THE
KITCHEN COOKING THAN IN THE LIVING ROOM TALKING WITH HIM. FIND A COMPROMISE
-A LITTLE TIME IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM, A FEW MINUTES BY HIS SIDE. OR HAVE SOME
CONVERSATION WHILE YOU FOLD THE LAUNDRY. ASK YOUR PARENT WHAT HOUSE- HOLD
CHORES HE MOST WANTS DONE, AND THEN CUT OUT SOME OF THE OTHERS. BY ADDRESSING
HIS MOST FUNDAMENTAL NEEDS FOR COMPANIONSHIP AND AFFECTION, YOU WILL BE
GIVING HIM FAR MORE HELP, AND YOU MAY HEAD OFF SOME OF THE I-NEVER-SEE-YOU
LAMENTS. IF HE STILL COMPLAINS THAT YOU
DON'T VISIT ENOUGH, AVOID ARGUING -I WAS HERE JUST TWO DAYS AGO! WHAT DO YOU
WANT FROM ME?- AND SIMPLY REASSURE HIM THAT YOU LOVE HIM, THAT YOU WILL COME
TO SEE HIM AGAIN AS SOON AS YOU CAN. HIS COMMENTS MAY BE MORE A REFLECTION OF
HIS OWN LONELINESS AND INSECURITY THAN A CRITICISM OF YOU. |
|
V-DEEP IN
DEPRESSION DEPRESSION IS A PHYSICAL ILLNESS THAT
NEEDS IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION. IF YOU HAVE SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION
-FEELINGS OF EXTREME SADNESS, RELENTLESS WAVES OF SELF-CRITICISM, APATHY AND
HOPELESSNESS, CHANGES IN EATING OR SLEEPING HABITS, TROUBLE CONCENTRATING,
THOUGHTS ABOUT DEATH -CONSULT A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY. DEPRESSION CAN USUALLY BE
TREATED QUITE EFFECTIVELY WITH COUNSELING AND/OR MEDICATION. FOR IMMEDIATE HELP CALL THE LOCAL CRISIS
INTERVENTION, SUICIDE OR DEPRESSION HOTLINE, OR 155. FOR INFORMATION ABOUT
DEPRESSION AND A REFERRAL TO A LOCAL SPECIALIST. |
|
VI-IN THE
EXAMINING ROOM IF YOU STAY WITH YOUR
PARENT DURING ANY SEGMENT OF THE EXAM, STAY IN THE BACKGROUND AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
BE CAREFUL NOT TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ADDRESSED TO HIM BECAUSE QUITE OFTEN, THE
DOCTOR IS NOT SIMPLY LOOKING FOR AN ANSWER BUT IS OBSERVING HOW YOUR PARENT
RESPONDS. YOU ALSO NEED TO GIVE YOUR PARENT AND THE DOCTOR A CHANGE TO
DEVELOP SOME REPPORT. IF POSSIBLE, WAIT UNTIL THE
DISCUSSION PERIOD TO ADD ANY INFORMATION THAT MAY HAVE BEEN OMITTED. |
|
VII-UP IN
SMOKE EVERYONE KNOWS THE POTENTIAL RAVAGES
OF CIGARETTE SMOKING, BUT WHAT'S THE POINT OF STOPPING SO LATE IN LIFE?
ACCORDING TO A RECENT REPORT FROM THE SURGEON GENERAL, THE BENEFITS OF
QUITTING, EVEN AT AN ADVANCED AGE, START IMMEDIATELY. WITHIN HOURS OF THAT
LAST CIGARETTE THE BODY BEINGS TO REPAIR AND RESTORE ITSELF -OXYGEN LEVELS
INCREASE, NERVE ENDINGS REGENERATE, BLOOD PRESSURE FALLS. WITHIN MONTHS YOUR
PARENT SHOULD BE MORE ENERGETIC, HAVE A BETTER APPETITE, SLEEP BETTER AND
GENERALLY FEEL BETTER. AT LEAST ONE STUDY SUGGESTS THAT A 65 -YEAR- OLD
PERSON WHO STOPS SMOKING CAN ADD FOUR OR MORE YEARS TO HIS LIFE. YOUR PARENT CAN'T REVERSE ANY SEVERE
AILMENTS CAUSED BY SMOKING, SUCH AS EMPHYSEMA OR LUNG CANCER, BUT IF HE QUITS
AT LEAST THE WON'T BE MAKING THE CONDITION WORSE, AND HE WILL BOLSTER HIS
IMMUNE SYSTEM AND IMPROVE HIS GENERAL HEALTH. TO FIND OUT HOW TO QUIT, CALL THE
TURKISH CANCER SOCIETY. |
|
VIII-SIGNS OF
DEPRESSION IF YOUR PARENT HAS
SEVERAL OF THE FOLLOWING SYMPTOMS FOR MORE THAN TWO WEEKS, PRESS HIS DOCTOR
FOR ACTIONS OR GET HIM TO A PSYCHIATRIST: ü DEJECTION
AND SADNESS WITHOUT ANY APPARENT CAUSE ü LACK OF
INTEREST IN ACTIVITIES THAT WERE ONCE CONSIDERED ENJOYABLE ü CHANGE
IN APPETITE OR WEIGHT ü INSOMNIA
OR CHANGE IN SLEEP HABITS, INCLUDING WAKING EARLY IN THE MORNING ü FATIGUE AND LETHARGY ü LACK OF
CONCENTRATION, TROUBLE THINKING CLEARLY, INDECISIVENESS ü TALK OF
SUICIDE OR DEATH ü FEELINGS
OF HOPELESSNESS ü EXCESSIVE
FEELINGS OF GUILT AND WORTHLESSNESS ü IRRITABILITY
OR HOSTILITY ü VAGUE
COMPLAINTS OF CHRONIC ACHES AND PAINS THAT SEEM TO HAVE NO PHYSICAL BASIS ü WEEPING
OR TEARFULNESS ü CHANGE
IN BOWELS, USUALLY CONSTIPATION ü INCREASED
USE OF ALCOHOL, DRUGS OR TOBACCO. |
|
IX-"WHY
DON'T YOU EVER COME TO SEE ME?" IF YOUR PARENT DOESN'T
REMEMBER THAT YOU HAVE VISITED OR DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE WHILE YOU
ARE THERE, TRY TO REMEMBER THAT YOUR VISITS ARE VERY IMPORTANT NEVERTHELESS.
THEY ARE COMFORTING, AND THEY ALLOW YOU TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR PARENT IS
BEING WELL CARED FOR. THEY ALSO SHOW THE STAFF THAT YOUR PARENT'S FAMILY IS
CONCERNED ABOUT HIS CONDITION AND THE QUALITY OF HIS CARE. |
|
X-WALKING
FOR LIFE WALKING IS A GREAT FORM OF
EXERCISE FOR AN ELDERLY PERSON. IT'S EASY ON JOINTS. IT'S ENTERTAINING. IT'S
CHEAP. AND IT CAN BE SOCIAL. IT REQUIRES NO SPECIAL SKILLS AND CAN BE DONE
VIRTUALLY ANYWHERE. YOUR PARENT MIGHT JUST WALK TO THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY
AND BACK. OR FOR MORE SERIOUS WALKING, SCHOOLS OFTEN HAVE OUTDOOR TRACKS AND
SOME MALLS ARE OPEN DURING CERTAIN HOURS JUST FOR WALKERS. (SCENIC ROUTES ARE
MORE ENJOYABLE, BUT HE SHOULD AVOID WOODED PATHS WHERE ROCKS, ROOTS AND
STUMPS CAN TRIP HIM UP.) GET HIM TO START WITH A
SHORT WALK, WHICH MAY BE A FEW PACES OR A FEW MILES, DEPENDING UPON HIS
ABILITIES, THREE TIMES A WEEK, AND THEN ADD A LITTLE MORE EACH WEEK. IF
POSSIBLE, HE SHOULD PICK UP THE PACE FROM A LEISURELY STROLL TO A MORE
DETERMINED STRIDE. AS HE WALKS, HE SHOULD STAND STRAIGHT, WITH HIS HEAD ERECT
AND ARMS SWINGING LOOSELY AT HIS SIDES. TELL HIM TO LIFT HIS FEET RATHER THAN
SHUFFLE, SO HE DOESN'T TRIP ON CRACKS AND BUMPS. YOUR PARENT SHOULD DRINK
PLENTY OF LIQUIDS SO HE DOESN'T DEHYDRATE. AND HE SHOULD DRINK BEFORE HE'S THIRSTY;
ONCE HE'S THIRSTY HIS BODY IS ALREADY SERIOUS LOW ON FLUIDS. BUY YOUR FATHER
COMFORTABLE SNEAKERS WITH ARCH SUPPORTS AND THICK RUBBER SOLES. FIND SNEAKERS
MADE OF NYLON, MESH, CANVAS OR OTHER MATERIAL THAT LETS THE AIR CIRCULATE. HE
SHOULD WEAR LAYERS OF CLOTHING THAT HE CAN SHED AS HE WARMS UP. IF HE NEEDS
TO CARRY THINGS WITH HIM, GET HIM A FANNY PACK. SOMEONE SHOULD ALWAYS KNOW
WHERE HE IS HEADED, AND HE SHOULD KEEP TO WELL-POPULATED, SAFE AREAS. |
|
XI-SPIRITUAL
NEEDS AS A PERSON'S LIFE HEADS
INTO ITS LAST STAGES, QUESTIONS ABOUT MORTALITY AND THE MEANING OF LIKE TAKE
ON A NEW IMPORTANCE. WHETHER OR NOT YOUR PARENT PRACTICED A RELIGION, SHE
MIGHT LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH OR SYNAGOGUE, ATTEND A RELIGIOUS DISCUSSION GROUP,
SPEAK TO A MEMBER OF THE CLERGY OR HAVE SOMEONE READ TO HER FROM THE BIBLE OR
OTHER RELIGIOUS BOOKS. IT'S QUITE POSSIBLE THAT
SHE MAY BE EMBARRASSED TO BRING THIS UP WITH YOU, OR SHE MAY NOT EVEN THINK
OF IT UNLESS YOU SUGGEST IT. |
|
XII-HELP
FROM FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS WHEN YOUR FATHER NEEDS
HELP, SOME OF HIS IMMEDIATE FAMILY AND CLOSE FRIENDS MAY VOLUNTEER THEIR
ASSISTANCE RIGHT AWAY. BUT WHAT ABOUT MORE DISTANT RELATIONS AND LESS DEAR FRIENDS,
AND WHAT ABOUT HIS NEIGHBORS? ALL OF THESE PEOPLE CAN SUPPLEMENT THE WORK OF
VOLUNTEERS AND PROFESSIONALS, PROVIDING NOT ONLY PRACTICAL HELP BUT
MUCH-NEEDED EMOTIONAL SUPPORT AND ASSURANCE. YOU MAY BE RELUCTANT TO ASK
FOR HELP, BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT WHILE PEOPLE MAY NOT COME TO YOU TO VOLUNTEER
THEIR SERVICES, THEY ARE OFTEN MORE THAN HAPPY TO HELP OUT ONCE THEY ARE
ASKED. KEEP FAVORS SMALL. A FRIEND MIGHT PICK UP A
FEW GROCERIES FROM TIME TO TIME, GET BOOKS OR VIDEOS AT THE LIBRARY, WATER
THE GARDEN, WALK THE DOG OR DROP BY FOR A VISIT EVERY NOW AND THEN. A
NEIGHBOR MIGHT TAKE YOUR PARENT'S GARBAGE OUT ONCE A WEEK, A NEIGHBOR'S CHILD
MIGHT ADOPT YOUR PARENT AS A GRANDPARENT, OR A LOCAL TEENAGER MIGHT HELP WITH
RAKING OR SNOW-SHOVELING OCCASIONALLY (PERHAPS FOR A NOMINAL FEE). ALSO, ASK THE PEOPLE YOUR
PARENT SEES ON A REGULAR BASIS -THE NEWSPAPER DELIVERY BOY, THE APARTMENT
SUPERINTENDENT, A BARBER, A RABBI OR A GROCERY CLERK- TO CONTACT YOU IF
ANYTHING SEEMS WRONG, FOR EXAMPLE IF YOUR PARENT SEEMS CONFUSED OR HASN'T
PICKED UP HIS NEWSPAPER FOR TWO DAYS. (OF COURSE, YOU SHOULD APPROACH ONLY
THOSE INDIVIDUALS YOU KNOW YOUR PARENT TRUSTS. YOU DON'T WANT OTHERS TO KNOW
THAT YOUR PARENT IS FRAIL AND ALONE.) MAIL CARRIERS AND UTILITY WORKERS ARE
SOMETIMES TRAINED TO SPOT TROUBLE THE MAIL HASN'T BEEN PICKED UP, THE LAWN
HASN'T BEEN MOWED, THE POWER HASN'T BEEN USED. CALL THE LOCAL POST OFFICE AND
UTILITY COMPANY TO FIND OUT IF SUCH A PROGRAM EXISTS IN YOUR PARENT'S
COMMUNITY. DON'T FORGET YOUR OWN
FRIENDS. PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THE SAME SITUATION MIGHT SHARE SOME OF THE
WORKLOAD -YOU CHECK OUT LOCAL DAY- CARE OPTIONS WHILE YOUR FRIEND
INVESTIGATES MEDICAID ELIGIBILITY AND PROCEDURES. THOSE WHO AREN'T IN THE
SAME SITUATION MIGHT BE WILLING TO EXCHANGE DUTIES WITH YOU IN THE NAME OF
MUTUAL RELIEF AND A REFRESHING CHANGE OF PACE - A FRIEND SITS WITH YOUR
PARENT WHILE YOU TAKE HER CHILDREN TO THE MALL. IF YOU DON'T HAVE FRIENDS
IN THE SAME SITUATION, YOU CAN START A COOPERATIVE OF ADULT CHILDREN CARING
FOR AGING PARENTS. NOT AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT GROUP, BUT A REAL COOPERATIVE-
PEOPLE WORKING TOGETHER, SHARING TASKS AND TRADING INFORMATION. |
|
XIII-A NOTE ON
FINANCES HOME CARE IS EXPENSIVE, BUT
ALMOST ANY TYPE OF CARE YOUR PARENT RECEIVES NOW WILL BE COSTLY, AND IN MOST
CASES, HOME CARE IS THE LEAST EXPENSIVE OPTION. LOOK AT THE OTHER OPTIONS
AVAILABLE, SUCH AS ASSISTED-LIVING HOMES AND NURSING HOMES. COMPARE PRICES,
FIND OUT ABOUT ANY POSSIBLE INSURANCE COVERAGE, AND CONSIDER HOW MUCH CARE
YOUR PARENT NEEDS, HOW LONG SHE IS LIKELY TO NEED SUCH CARE AND HER OWN
PERSONAL PREFERENCES. IF YOUR PARENT NEEDS ONLY A LITTLE HELP OR SHORT-TERM
HELP, AND GOOD SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE, HOME CARE PROBABLY MAKES THE MOST
SENSE. BUT IF SHE IS CHRONICALLY ILL AND NEEDS EXTENSIVE CARE, HOME CARE MAY
BE IMPRACTICAL IN THE LONG RUN. WHATEVER YOU DO, CONSIDER
THE NURSING HOME OPTION EARLY. YOU NEED TIME TO REVIEW THE CHOICES AND YOU
MAY WANT TO GET YOUR PARENT'S NAME ON WAITING LISTS. ALSO, IF YOUR PARENT'S
SAVING ARE RUNNING LOW, IT MAY BE BETTER TO APPLY WHILE SHE STILL HA ENOUGH
TO PAY FOR SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR OF NURSING HOME CARE. ONCE SHE HAS LITTLE
MONEY LEFT OR IS ON MEDICAID, SHE WILL HAVE FEWER CHOICES. |
|
XIV-WHEN
THERE IS TROUBLE SERIOUS PROBLEMS ARE RARE,
BUT THEY HAPPEN. A WORKER MISTREATS YOUR PARENT, STEALS FROM HIM OR GETS
DRUNK ON THE JOB. THE BEST PROTECTION HERE IS COMMON SENSE. DON'T LEAVE MONEY
OR JEWELRY IN SIGHT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRUST A WORKER. LOCK THE LIQUOR
CABINET, IF NECESSARY. AND DON'T EVER GIVE A WORKER ACCESS TO YOUR PARENT'S
BANK ACCOUNT OR WALLET. BE ALERT TO ANY SIGN OF
POSSIBLE PHYSICAL ABUSE, SUCH AS UNEXPLAINED BRUISES OR WOUNDS, AND TO
INDICATIONS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE, SUCH AS A PARENT'S UNUSUAL FEAR OR
NIGHTMARES. IF YOUR PARENT IS CONFUSED, SHE MAY MAKE ACCUSATIONS THAT ARE
FALSE BECAUSE SHE IS PARANOID OR ANXIOUS. TRY TO CONFIRM HER COMPLAINTS, AND
THEN REASSURE HER IF YOU DETERMINE THAT SHE IS INVENTING PROBLEMS. IF HER ACCUSATIONS
CONTINUE, EVEN IF THEY ARE UNTRUE, YOU MAY HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER WORKER WITH
WHOM SHE IS MORE COMFORTABLE. WHEN YOU SUSPECT TROUBLE
AND HAVE REASON TO THINK THAT YOUR SUSPICIONS ARE VALID, ACT IMMEDIATELY.
DISMISS THE WORKER AND CALL THE AREA AGENCY ON AGING TO FIND OUT HOW TO
REPORT ABUSE OR EXPLOITATION. YOU MAY NEED TO CONTACT AN ELDER ABUSE HOTLINE,
THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU, THE LOCAL CONSUMERS' AFFAIRS OFFICE OR A
LICENSING AGENCY. NOTIFY THE BANK OF YOUR CONCERNS IF THE PROBLEM HAS TO DO WITH
YOUR PARENT'S ACCOUNTS. |
|
XV - TEN
COMMON REACTIONS TO HAVING A PARENT IN A NURSING HOME 1. GUILT
THAT YOU ARE NOT DOING ENOUGH FOR YOUR PARENT 2. ANXIETY
THAT SHE NURSING STAFF WON'T DO ENOUGH FOR HIM 3. GUILT BECAUSE
YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER PUT HIM IN A HOME 4. ANXIETY
ABOUT WHETHER YOU WILL END UP IN A NURSING HOME 5. GUILT
THAT YOUR PARENT ISN'T IN A NICER, MORE EXPENSIVE HOME 6. ANXIETY
OVER THE HIGH COST OF THE NURSING HOME HE IS IN 7. GUILT
THAT YOU DON'T VISIT HIM MORE OFTEN 8. ANXIETY
ABOUT HAVING TO VISIT SO OFTEN 9. GUILT FOR
FEELING RELIEF THAT YOUR PARENT IS IN A NURSING HOME 10. ANXIETY
THAT IT WORK AND YOU'LL HAVE TO DEVISE ANOTHER PLAN |