WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR ROOMMATE

1.Repeat thoughtfully the last word of everything your roommate says (e.g. Your roommate: "How are you doing today?" You: "Today.... Today......")

2.Continuously refer to your roommate using terms of endearment (sweetcheeks, honeybuns). Slap him/her in the face if s/he ever does the same.

3.Kill several people. Store the corpses underneath your roommate's bed. Call the police.

4.Become Forrest Gump.

5.Incessantly rant about the government's attempts to control our minds by poisoning us with Dihydrous Monoxide. If your roommate tries to explain that Dihydrous Monoxide = H2O = Water, exclaim "HA!! THAT'S WHAT THEY /WANT/ YOU TO THINK!!!!"

6.Intensely study the complete list of ways to annoy your roommate. Form a discussion group with your roommate. Give tests.

7.Start a food drive around campus to feed your roommate. Comment often on how fat s/he's getting.

8.Read nothing but "Human Calculator" books. Consistently make mistake's on simple math (e.g. "2 + 2 = ..3? No, 5! No.......")

9.Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

10.Twitch a lot.

11.Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

12.Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

13.Become a subgenius.

14.Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

15.Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

16.Speak in tongues.

17.Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

18.Walk and talk backwards.

19.Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

20.Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

21.Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man, "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

22.Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

23.Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

24.Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

25.Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

26.Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

27.Eat glass.

28.Smoke ball-point pens.

29.Smile. All the time.

30.Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

31.Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

32.Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

33.Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

34.Dye all your underwear lime green.

35.Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

36.Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

37.Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).

38.Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

39.Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

40.Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

41.Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

42.Shave one eyebrow.

43.Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

44.Put horseradish in your shoes.

45.Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

46.Always flush the toilet three times.

47.Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

48.Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

49.Give him/her an allowance.

50.Listen to radio static.

51.Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

52.Cry a lot.

53.Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's Email.

54.Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.

55.Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.

56.Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
57.If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.

58.Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.

59.If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

60.Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.

61.Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.

62.Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.

63.Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.

64.Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

65.Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

66.Follow him/her around on weekends.

67.Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

68.Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

69.Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

70.Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.

71.Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.

72.Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.

73.Let mice loose in his/her room.

74.Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.

75.Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.

76.Skip to the bathroom.

77.Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.

78.Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foiliage.

79.When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.

80.Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.

81.Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.

82.Burn incense.

83.Eat moths.

84.Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.

85.Collect Chia-Pets.

86.Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

87.Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.

88.Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.

89.If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.

90.Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

91.Don't ever flush.

92.Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."

93.Lick him/her while they are asleep.

94.Dress in drag.

95.Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.

96.Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.

97.Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray!You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

98.Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."

99.Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.

100.Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.

101.Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares. 102.Eat lots of "Lucky Charms."


MORE WAYS TO BE ANNOYING

- Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
- Drum on every available surface.
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
- Set alarms for random times.
- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
- Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
- Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
- Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. - Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
- Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
- Light road flares on a birthday cake.
- Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
- Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
- Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
- Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
- Drive half a block.
- Name your dog "Dog".
- Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Change your name to Jane Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy".
- Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
- Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
- Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
- Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
- Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
- Never make eye contact.
- Never break eye contact.
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


FUN THINGS TO DO IN A COLLEGE DORM SHOWER STALL

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"

2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.

3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.

4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.

5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune "It's a Small World After All."

7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.

8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.

9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.

10. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them "Not to do it" and ask them "Not to give in to sin". Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.

11. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residue water on the floor as your battle medium, and float litte battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.

12. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch". Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.

13. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting "Redrum! Redrum!" in your best groggy voice.

14. Bring a Yoo-Hoo to the shower with you. Complain about a stomachache, then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh", and pour the Yoo-Hoo down the drain "ditch" for all to see.

15. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.

16. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.

17. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage "ditch", complaining about the quality of water these days.

18. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old McDonald Had A Farm", making the sound of their animal in the stall.

19. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benefence and glory. If they don't tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.

20. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.

21. Levitate. If anyone complains, tell them that they are breaking your concentration and just because they have bad karma doesn't give them the right to spread it.

22. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.

23. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.

24. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim "Ohmigosh...do you know what these words REALLY mean?"

25. Walk in a man. Come out a woman. Complain that there are men in the bathroom.

26. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that they Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect OR pretend to be a fountain.

27. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.

28. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shape when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.

29. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT...)

30. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.

31. Role-play with the guy in the stall next to you. If he claims to have rolled a natural 20, call him a liar and fire your bottle of shampoo on to his side. Complain about oily hair for the rest of the day.

32. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and Q-Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people using the toilet stalls.

33. Scream out that your washcloth is attacking you, then fall to the floor and cover your face with it. Lie there for 2 hours. Three days later, have a little washcloth pop out of your stomach and terrorize the school.

34. Bring SCUBA gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans. Be cocky.

35. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make a "Mmm!" sound, and then announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of tastes like head cheese.

36. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.

37. Steal everyone's clothes from the changing compartment. Go into their rooms and take all their other clothes. Donate to a needy organization.

38. Hang "Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown" signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.

39. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle everytime Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.

40. Stare at people's feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them so. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they do wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.

41. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout "I'm coming for you, Moby!". Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a pegleg.

42. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. Then they'll pay.

43. Hook up your shower-heads to a local dairy-farm. If anyone complains about the washing facilities, tell them that they should be thankful for a wholesome, pasturized, vitamins A & D fortified wash. Call them ingrates.

44. Put an electric eel in the water heater. Laugh everytime someone gets a shock. Call them glowworms.

45. Set up a slip and slide into the shower. Hurt yourself everytime you bump into the wall. Complain that your favorite physics professor shuts gravity off at the wrong times always.

FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN EXAM

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

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